Happy Christmas Adam Everyone! For anyone who doesn't know, Adam of course, came before Eve and therefore, the 23rd of December is known as Christmas Adam, I'm sure it's not just me that calls it that?!

So, I've just played "find a hole in the fridge for the carrots" (not a euphemism) after being rudely awoken by my fabulous veg man, our fridge is packed so tightly it's a game of skill to find space for even a sprout right now but we are ready for Christmas, hurray!

I just have a couple of presents to wrap which I picked up on a festive saunter through the Metrocentre yesterday with Harriet and Abigail, it was lovely, we went for Yo Sushi and then we wandered around the shops, all around us men (really, yes, mostly men) were running around like headless chickens with their faces contorted with worry searching for the best Pandora charm, or even worse, in the Primark lingerie department which has been recently replenished with the cheapest red underwear I've ever seen!

There's a point I need to make to the menfolk, I know I don't exactly have one but if I was going to be bought lingerie, I along with most of the female population would agree, it's either La Perla or go choose another gift, never ever buy us cheap undersized red lace underwear and especially not from Primark!

I have to admit that I've never really fully understood the male psyche and that is of course why I'm perpetually single but surely they know when Christmas is coming, it can't be a complete surprise that the 25th of December is some kind of special holiday, surely the arrival of the Christmas tree is a big enough hint?  Suffice to say, I'm sorry but I can't really give you any sympathy when you're queuing to get into the Pandora store for 2 hours today although at least with Pandora she's not going to get an uncomfortable crotch just to try and please you.

Now I don't want to bash men because some of them are kind and thoughtful, some of them spend hours agonising over the right presents, many years ago when I was happily married to the girls dad, I was pregnant with Abigail and so a lot of the normal presents were not going to work, I awoke on Christmas morning to find an enormous hamper full of presents, each one individually wrapped, they weren't expensive things, some were just little bubble baths but the fact that he'd gone to the trouble of wrapping up about 50 small things, plus the most gorgeous silver bracelet which was around a cuddly Bagpuss's neck meant everything to me, he actually bought me several bracelets in the time we were together and really, you can't go wrong with a beautiful bracelet.

Anyway, I kind of got distracted there but there's a point in there about thoughtful gifts, to me, the best gifts can't be given in small packages, it took me a long time to realise that, the best gifts for me, well they're experiences, they're time you can't get back, they are the memories you'll dream of in the many years of the life that we live.  I guess that's why I've travelled so much this year because, no matter how trying life can sometimes be I can always look back at the amazing memories I've created with the people I love and then I can smile and appreciate how wonderful and precious life is.

This Christmas won't be about presents for me, it will be about the friends who visit, it will be about the people who have stayed by my side through thick and thin, as my therapist is helping me to understand, it's not worth worrying about the things you can't change and really, you can't change the thoughts of another person, sure there will be those you lose along the way side but if they won't talk to you, what is the point of imagined conversations inside your own head, I'm learning through therapy to put aside the things I can't change, my therapist said more than anything, she wants to give me back my self worth, something that I've lost over many years, I don't think that's something which is going to happen in 8 sessions but I can already see the changes taking place, it's having a profound effect on the anxiety which troubles me so greatly from time to time.  The funny thing is, since finishing work on Tuesday afternoon, mostly all my anxiety has subsided, I haven't really done a lot but I've enjoyed the feeling of just being happy and relaxed.

Today, it's Saturday, the first Saturday I've not had to worry about work in a very long time, I'm going to applaud that and who cares if I stay in my pyjamas all day, you've got to love the life you have, you have to grab it by the horns and be happy that you are living in the way you want to because it's your life, you are unique and no matter what happens, no one ever can take that away from you.

I've Made A Decision

Sometimes in life the hardest thing is to live in a fog, you can't see ahead of you and sometimes in the thickest fogs you can barely breathe, that's how parts of this year have seemed so far, thankfully we're only just over a month in and so I'm fairly certain that the other 11 have the potential to be brilliant beyond brilliant.

I spoke to Harriet last night about the medication predicament, up the dosage, be immune to love, unhappiness and the human condition but also lose laughter, feeling and be numb to almost everything including my children  and at the heart of it, they were the most surprised when I started laughing, it never even occurred to me that I hadn't laughed in 10 years.

I have a very weird love/hate relationship with social media, Facebook has always been my constant because it's where my real friends are, the people I love, the ones closest to my heart and I know that with all of the support I've received in the last few years it's not something I would want to be without, other than that though I fall in and out of love with most other forms of social media and being trying to be present on all of them saps both my energy and my time so it was whilst I was lying in my purple fluffy nest during yesterday's amazing Reiki session with Susan that I came to a huge decision.  I need to get some time back to refocus, I need to sort out my psyche, my business and my personal life, I want to live more in the real world and away from the constant microscopic examination of Twitter et al.

Obviously, I can't just give up social media or dramatically delete it, I do still need it for my career but what I can do is go on a digital diet, that means I get more time back for me, I can keep in touch with those closest to me via other means so I'm reining in my tweeting and going back to basics and this means I can concentrate on the things that matter, I have big aspirations where blogging is concerned and this is going to be my year when writing and photography lead to great things, I know it in my heart but that's not going to happen without a lot of hard work, I have a domain I bought at Christmas and I need to build the website for that,  I can't do that when I'm blabbering on Twitter about absolutely nothing!  

I've got the whole weekend off and I plan to take some time to reconfigure, work out what the important next steps are I need to take, both in life and in business, my future looks so bright and shiny but I'll be the first to admit I need to get a little help so yesterday I self-referred to Talking Helps in Newcastle, a much quicker and more effective way to have therapy than the last time when it took pretty much 2 years of fighting.  When I came out of my last relationship, I ended up being the woman with such low self-esteem, very little self-worth and my self-assurance was ultimately completely ruined.  I thought I had gotten that all back but it's only in the last few months that I've realised and I'm going to quote Ru Paul here because, why shouldn't I? "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?"

I spend a lot of my life blagging confidence and sparkle and really, I'm either being very silly or very serious and there's not a lot in between, it's not that I'm lying it's just that I'm trying to convince myself I'm not so broken, I realise in the last few weeks I've decided to just own the fact that I'm messed up but wouldn't it be the dream to really be those things, to have self-esteem and self-worth, to really feel as self-assured as I would like to, well maybe I won't be able to reverse the damage completely but I think there's a fair chance I can at least feel good enough for myself and not be too much of a nightmare to date either.

So here's to the weekend and here's to the future, a future of good things, happy things and productive things and more time in the real world, walking in the sunshine, feeling the warm glow on my skin accompanied by a happy beagle and even more so here's to more weekends with real people, good people, people who fill my heart and soul with joy, let's call them friends, close friends, my wonderful friends.

Why I'm reducing my Bipolar medication

13 years ago, there or there about I gave birth to my beautiful Looby by C-Section, no sooner was she born than I was handed a box of medication to control my Bipolar ll disorder and several months later I eventually found a medication that worked for me and my life was changed forever, I still have slight hypomania and I still have times of depression but for the most part the very extremes don't happen which mean I can live, love and function and for 12 years without any change in my meds this is the way it's been.

Here's the thing though, whilst controlling the most extreme effects of my psyche what this medication has also done has robbed me of some fundamental emotions that most people need to get by and function with, for 12 or so years I never felt real emotional pain and I also lacked empathy and lost the ability to laugh at the most simple of things, for all intents and purposes I became a high-functioning robot, that doesn't mean I didn't feel happiness because I did but it's just not like a normal person would, there were still times I would cry but it would be all too short before I just got on with life.  The impact of this was mostly good, it's amazing what you can do without being controlled by emotions but as time has drawn on Robot Mandy has become more and more noticeable.

Around 6 weeks ago I started a program to reduce my medication to half of the dose, it was felt that it was the right time in my life, I was in a good place, have great friends, amazing kids and I know myself inside and out and practice self care so well that I would notice instantly if something was wrong and could revert to the top dose.  I told my good friends and also my daughters so that if I didn't notice something but they did they could come to me and talk to me about it, I trust those close to me enough to know when my behaviours are different from the norm.

So what has happened in a month has completely blown me away, I have emotions now, I have my empathy back and I am able to laugh, get excited and all of the things many people would take for granted, however, the double-edged sword of emotions is that I'm also now feeling absolutely whacked by sorrow, pain, loss and loneliness, all of the emotions I should have experienced when Paul left but didn't, I never grieved at all, I just got on with life and at the time I spoke about it with friends because I was worried with the numbness.

Right now, life is hard and messy, being flooded with emotions is unexplainable unless you've been through something like it yourself, the nearest thing I can equate it to is when you become a teenager and you're hormone flooded body doesn't know what the hell is going on, I have no choice but to sit it out until everything levels off or I could just make the decision not to bother and go back to the medicated level I was at, I've had definite moments when I've considered it because my heart aches but that's the cowards way out and I know if I can just make it through the next few weeks and months then I should be ok in the end, everything will settle, I'll let go of all of the pain and to all intents and purposes I'll be pretty bloody normal (ish) for the first time in years, I might even be able to read books again.

So why am I writing this all down, well I firmly believe we need to talk about this stuff, there's little enough information out there for people and actual experiences from real people are still in the minority, we misunderstand mental health because we lump each part of it together, even within Bipolar there are many many different presenting symptoms and whilst some people will need heavy medication there are plenty of high functioning individuals who take no medication at all, I don't feel no medication is an option for me just yet and it may never be but for some self-care, diet, exercise and therapy alleviate the need and that's good.

Whilst I may write about amazing shoes, or a fabulous autumn coat, at the heart of everything I write is me, slightly eccentric, mostly happy, smiley, bipolar me, I'll always be Bipolar but I'm also a business owner, mum, friend, advocate, mentor and I believe that mental health shouldn't stop people doing anything, you just have to do things on your own terms and the more we go out there and talk about our health just as we would if we had asthma or diabetes the more understanding and tolerance there would be.  Bipolar is just a label, I'm actually defined only by my own actions.

Aarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Horrible horrible day!!

Paul broke down this afternoon leaving me outside of therapy with no phone, no money and no coat, it's February, it's raining, it's winter and it was a very long 3 mile walk home during most of which I was only slightly terrified and remembering that those agoraphobic feelings are still there at times.

Back tommorrow, hopefully having a far better day!

No rest for the wicked....

You may have noticed that I've not updated for a couple of days but when I tell you that I've just been snowed under with work I'm sure you'll understand. Currently Happy Scrapper is very busy indeed, lots of new things on the way in the next couple of weeks so it's all preparation for that, then I have a memory book on the go, a retirement album which will hopefully reach it's conclusion at some point over the weekend and also I have a photography job on next week as well. It really is hard to beleive just how much our lives have changed over the last few months, I think that trip to our lovely friend Jacquis really sorted our heads out because since then I think a little of her scottish luck has definetly rubbed off and things have gone from good to great. Of course i think the most important factor could be the release from the dark Overlords who have tried to control our lives but really I don't think we need to worry about that any longer, yes we may average atleast 4 "Last" letters a week but when the writer actually writes on the back of an envelope "This is not a letter it's a PS" you kind of realise just how disturbed someone really is. It's pretty farcical really but still I worry about Iain who has lost an enormous amount of weight recently, he's so skinny even though we're feeding him up like you wouldn't beleive. Anyway upon further discussion with my therapist and other parties we've decided that he shouldn't have to read anymore letters, come to think of it though he didn't read the last couple as he also thinks the sender is competely barking! So from now on we're keeping the letters of course in case needed at a later date just to prove the insanity of the writer but we'll leave them unopened and stick them in a drawer.

One thing has become very apparent of late, we're all so very happy, the children are happy, Iain is much happier and totally enjoying school at the moment, he has a new teacher who makes him laugh and is only strict when he need be, I say a big old Hurrah for that! I think we just need to get some of that weight back on him, of course he really has always been a bean pole and he did have a week of sickness over the holidays so once again i'm just doing that parental worrying thing!!

So it's the weekend and although I'll hardly look up from work I'm determined that tonight we'll do something fun and Sunday we'll maybe get away for the day.

Do you know, I just ordered some gorgeous shoes from Next and for the first time I didn't have to worry about the price, I never really appreciated the freedom from financial worry until the last couple of weeks. Work Hard, Play Hard, Laugh Harder, thats my new motto!!

Settling down..

Well atleast that was the plan, and actually it was all going swimmingly, iain was ill all day yesterday with the sicky bug, only me and Looby to go now!

I painted yesterday afternoon with the girls, they made such lovely painty messes and wonderful works of art were indeed created and then after they got cleaned up Paul baked with them, Thomas cakes and Dora cakes. I think they had a great afternoon and it was fantastic to just be doing something normal.

I commented to hubby that i thought we had been good parents, he said we've always been good parents it's just other people who have chosen to suggest otherwise, this of course is all true, I've worked through it on many an occassion with my therapist and we realised that we've always been plenty good enoug, it's just now that we're well and happy we're flippin fantastic parents most of the time! LOL

We had another letter arrive this morning from the dark headquarters of evil HQ, this one was so completely full of B@~#S;=T that dear reader we're not even going to rise to half of the accusations, to put it plainly it's all a load of crapola!! Iain quickly dispensed with his letter, he knows full well it's a load of rubbish and thank goodness we have such great children, children who realise the difference between truth and lies, wrong and right, good and evil.

Apparently my weirdness began when I was young, probably about the same time as the abuse I would expect. Yes dear reader I'll say it now I am wierd, my husband loves me because of this, I'm quirky, I'm different, heaven forbid that I would be normal!!

Oh and 1 last thing, apparently if you read my blog from beginning to end you can see I'm someone with mental issues, dear reader did I ever say I wasn't??????

have a nice weekend, my blogging pals, may your lives be filled with "Sunshine and Lollipops" just as the song says!!

Onwards to a new dawn

Well dear reader yesterday turned out to be another day of high drama, there were phone-calls and rantings, pretty much the same old same old with one distinctive difference:- by around 2pm yesterday the whole family had been disowned never to be contacted again
Hurrah!!

I think mother realised she was defeated when even Iain had enough and hung up on her, he told us that she was trying to say awful things about us and obviously Iain loves me and his dad very very much. We're so proud of him for standing up to the malevolence and saying a big fat NO, funy how when you empower your children and give them a daily dose of love and support they can conquer almost anything.

I'm still unclear as to whether we're being sued for libel, there was a ranting that me publishing mothers email was illegal but I think it was time for the world to know!

Thanks for all the kind words and comments, I've received more friendship, love and support from my time on the internet than i ever received from my family (well until i met paul obviously!!!)

I bought myself a domain and hosting package last night and it's my intention to start hosting my blog on my own domain, that way I can ban certain IP addresses and also take further steps to protect my images. I'll let you know as soon as I move my blog over to the FTP server, Thank goodness for my webstats though as now i know exactly which IP addresses come from where.

I think the final word on this must go to hubby whom whilst on the phone to granny commented that the last time when we went to her about all the abuse none of it was denied, the comments we received back were "It was a different time and she deserved it all" Yesterday again he raised this point and I would like to state again that NOTHING WAS DENIED. Atleast that is one thing we're all clear on and if it should end up in a court somewhere I don't think I'm going to be the one left crying.

Just to say this is my last word on the matter as I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life dwelling on evil people, in the end the kids were only really upset that all their pocket money had been stolen from them, well they see it as stealing since they aren't allowed to have it unless they all see mother at her house, on her terms, by themselves. Do you really think I would leave my children alone with someone as dangerous as her. No I most certainly would not!!

Happy Days and onwards to the future!!

I told you so!!

That's one of Abigails favourite faces, mostly saying "I told you so" LOL

I was going to stop posting images on my blog since I found out they were being stolen but handily enough I found a canny peice of Javascript which you insert in your tempate and it automatically disables right click, a feature which in my opinion should be included with blogger as standard.

Anyway thats all by the by, I'm back and I'm better than ever, one of the many features of my childhood would be to be given as presents secret diaries, one I definetly remember had a lock, anyway it usually occurred that I would write in it for a while, then it would be broken into and I would be punished. My blog was never a secret, I doubt it would have had 14,000+ readers if it had. I always knew that my family would find it one day and luckily it came at a time in my life when therapy has helped me not be scared of them any more. So dear reader I shall continue to share, my ups, downs, therapy and other assorted effluvia in exactly the same vein as before and should anyone try to stop me from doing that, i'm sure there are news agencies around the world who would find it quite an interesting story to publish. You may of course wonder why I am taking such a stance, well quite simply freedom of speech and freedom from persecution and if dear reader someone in similar circumstances is helped by any of it then i've done my job. Dear reader I am damaged, given that I'm a whole lot less damaged than when my husband met me, if you want to know just how bad it was then you'll have to ask him (by the way he's not been frightened off blogging either you'll be pleased to know).

It's funny the things we think are normal until we have something "normal" to compare them with!

So dear reader I'm not going to ramble any further this morning, I have said what needs to be said and taken steps to protect myself and long may I continue to blog, for me it's a permanent record that one day my children (from whom i have no secrets)can look back on, they can discover what they were up to when they were just wee beans and beyond!

Threatened!

Yes dear reader it had to happen,

I have received threats due to having a blog, oh and you're going to love this, the threats were from....

My Mother!!

Dear reader I'm sure you've been following the story and I was already mad to the point of contacting a solicitor myself after yet another letter full of what can only be described as Liabel about my husband (Apparently he's got some dark secrets). Anyway after discussing the letter with my hubby we decided that we would give her one more warning before we took the matter further and then dear reader i receive this in my in-box this afternoon

"

We suggest that at the start of a New Year you refrain from writing your libellous comments on a public site and also stop writing fantasy about things which did not happen in your life except in your mind.Both written article and reply comments can be held as libel when it is there for all the world to see.We have always kept things within the family and we would not issue written libel on a public site.We could take this matter further but for the sake of our grandchildren enough is enough and it ends both ways.NO MORE WRITTEN ALLEGATIONS ABOUT US AND NO MORE LETTERS FROM US.We will still write the occasional letter to Iain and hopefully he will be allowed to phone us.We also reiterate that we have NEVER said that we do not want to see the children which you well know and we have nothing to do with what granny does,although when we show her what you have written over the year goodness knows what her reaction will be.So once again no more on your Blog and no letters or communication by us to you.We will never stop loving the children and we live in hope that one day we will be allowed to see them at our house in a manner in which I can cope as long as I am able to.We just hope you never have what I have, as it is not hereditary, and we wish the children well and hopefully we will hear from them and even though the feeling is not returned we hope you get your life on track which is all we have ever wanted whatever you think.

Goodbye and goodluck.

Love and Happy New Year to our 3 grandchildren"

So dear reader will I be removing the comments and posts I have made about her, no I bloody well will not. Don't abusers always say things like "it's all in your head"

I'm saying this now, once and for all, loud and clear I am not scared, she knows she could have seen the children at any time she wanted all she had to do was have them all at once or alternatively come and see them, we have reiterated this till we're blue in the faces. Our son doesn't want to ring her because he's mad as hell with her.

The reason i am doing this is so that when my children look back they will see that no one gets away with abuse forever, as she said in one of her many rants "What goes around comes around"

Thanks for listening.

growing and growing!

It's funny how you can see the same thing every day without noticing any difference and then one day kaboom, you notice and OMG! Thats pretty much how I feel about the girls getting bigger, just lately I haven't had much time for photography, in fact sometimes it's been hard to squeeze in life and photography has just fallen by the wayside. These photos are about the only ones I've taken over the last couple of weeks and it hit me tonight whilst I was editing them just how fast they're growing, Looby isn't my baby but a very sweet little girl and Abigail is turning into a beautiful young lady. Yes I know they're both really still my babies but it just goes to show that sometimes the things hardest to see are the ones right before your eyes.

Dear reader I must tell you I was seeing my therapist and she of course noticed just how well I am and how happy, I think it's got a lot to do with not having my mothers influence over my life and also a little to do with the fact that for the first time I am totally and completely relaxed about Christmas! I know for once that theres only the family to worry about and how easy can pleasing this lot be, just show them a big pile of toys and a few bars of Chocolate come Christmas day and they'll all be happy, as for Mr Scrapping Through Life, well much the same really, let him play with his toys, eat piles of choccy and festively drink the day through, then when the children are in bed, slip into that something which he hasn't got me yet but better get the hint and it's wayhey all the way until Boxing day!

The best time of your Life!

I'm using the blog prompt from Jane on UKSscrappers this morning as I need to blog but things aren't going too well at the moment, we had another malicous letter from my mother yesterday followed by countless phonecalls where nothing got resolved and so we're still banished and we don't even know if they're going to be sending the children Christmas presents, this is obviously awful and especially as we have little to no money and what they buy usually makes sure that the children have a fabbo Christmas, I'm starting to dread the mere thought of my usually most favourite season.

Anyway, Jane's blog prompt was to reveal the best time of my life, that for me is simple, Meeting hubby has proven to give me the best times of my life. It's the first relationship I've ever had thats not based on abuse, he can still be a little self centred and controlling at times but hey we all have our faults, I can't list mine as there are far too many!!

Meeting paul has given me freedom from the past for the first time, without him I wouldn't be able to stand up to my parents and I wouldn't have been brave enough to seek help for my mental health and get some therapy. I can't say that it's all be sunshine and daffodils but in comparison to the 25 years previous to meeting him, it's been pretty damn good. My Hubby at his best can be the funniest, silliest loveliest man you could ever hope to meet, at his worst, well it's all about him!! LOL thing is though he's helped me stand firm against my mother without fear of reprisal, something I couldn't ever do before and for that I'll love him to eternity and beyond!

Clinging on to sanity for dear life.

I need to write this so I have a permanent record and to try and get my head straight for fear that if I don't I'll be in a bi-polar spiral quicker than you can say "grab some Lithium" I don't actually take Lithium by the way, I didn't want to when all the consequences and side-effects were explained to me. anyway thats by the by.

I took the vitriolic letter from my parents to my therapist yesterday, we spent an hour discussing it and reached the conclusion that my families love for me is completely conditional on me towing the family line, this of course is no surprise for my mum and dad but to say this for my granny is a shock, however it's also completely true. My therapist said that my family would probably step up pressure until we either broke all ties with them or we gave in, the second isn't really an option though because if I do it again, it's just going to go on and on and on, the way it has my entire life.

So Iain rang his grandma to ask her to sponsor him last night whereupon she asked him when he would get the money, he said he would collect it at the weekend when he went with the girls, at this point she gives the phone to dad who proceeds to tell Iain that they won't be seeing him again until they can see them seperately. So Paul who is steaming mad grabs the phone and asks them just what they're playing at, the upshot is unless we cave they want nothing more to do with us or their grandchildren. Paul tried to get a emergency type meeting set up where they can come accross here and see the children over the weekend but of course thats no good as Mum refuses to come to our house. you know, if it was my grandchildren, I would travel to the ends of the earth to see them even if it was only for 5 minutes. So in the end I grab the phone, tell my dad that they need to grow up, get some therapy and that I'm not ever letting them hurt our children or mess with their feelings again.

We sat the children down last night and explained as best we could what was going on, obviously Iain and Abigail were upset, Looby bless her hasn't a clue whats going on. Oh and of course granny won't have us at her house because we're so wicked so the children won't see her either.

I haven't cried about this though I've been near to tears ever since, the thing is that if I do start crying I just don't know if I would stop.

During my childhood and adulthood my parents have done some terrible and abusive things to me, things which have affected me through my whole life but I always say, you start messing with my children and thats another matter entirely.

I write this today with a heavy heart and I guess I start to mourn the loss of my family and face the facts before me. I thank God for the wonderful husband and children, for the glorious friendships which without my mothers interference I have been atlast able to make, it may take a while but we'll get there in the end.

Thanks for listening.

An Autumnal Walk

Yesterday was pretty awful, the day started badly when the Postman delivered a letter from my parents telling both hubby and I that we were possibly the worst people ever to walk the earth oh and we're also the worst parents in the universe, of course i'm paraphrasing but I can't actually bring myself to copy the whole side of A4 for all to see. this is not the first time it's happened, there have been several instances of mothers vitriolic letter writing, she once wrote a letter to Paul telling him to get away from me quickly or I would destroy his life, oh yes if you want an abusive letter (or text message even) then mother is the place to go to. The funny thing is that i could forgive something written in haste but no, this had been typed on the computer and then hand-signed. So in case you missed what we did that was so completely heinous, we asked them to have all three children in one sitting instead of the girls one day and Iain the next. This is mostly duie to Paul starting work at the post office and his job and football leaving less time to spend as a family. So now we're getting evil letters and Mum has made sure in her own evil dictator type way that the rest of the family disown us too. I'm having a hard time as you can imagine but hey ho atleast i have my therapist who reassures me that we are in the right and that my mother is an abusive and not very nice woman.

So anyway not wanting to dwell too much or I'm going to get upset, we thought we would get out of the house for an hour so we went up to Wallington Hall in Northumberland and had a lovely walk through the woods where I took the above photos, love the interesting Fungi ones, I have a lovel of odd Fungi, they're quite mad those ones don't you think!!

After walking I felt somewhat calmer though I managed to lose the plot over a steam cleaner when we came home and spent the afternoon in bed with a migraine. Last night the kids were away so Paul fed me and got me slightly squiffy. I do feel a bit better this morning and we're off to a fireworks display tonight to celebrate "Guy Falkes" or Bonfire night as we call it in this country.

Oh and I must add that I received my partner for the Christmas Grotto goodie swap, I'm so excited to have a partner in the US which makes the swap all the more exciting, anyway go and see her, her blog is called Mommy Need a Mai Tai ( and i think we can all identify with that one, for me it's a good old Gin&Tonic) and she has 2 twin girls who are nearly four, OMG I can't imagine Looby and abigail having been born at once, no wonder she needs that Mai Tai! I can't wait to get to know more about her, we've emailed already and she really is a lovely lady so why not pay her a vist and say hi!

Have a great lazy Sunday!

Autumn

I did this layout this afternoon in an effort to calm myself down from all the stress which is affecting me badly at the moment, being banished by your family just because you stand up for yourself is never easy but it's been happening to me for 32 years every time i've tried to make my own decisions, I know of course now that it's all about power, abuse and brainwashing, doesn't make it easy though when it's your own mother who is at the head of it. Anyway not wanting to dwell too much, liking this layout of Lovely Looby having autumnal fun. Thank God for my husband and my wonderful childen and my gorgeous group of totally supportive friends, I give thanks every day for that.

New Template!

I thought I'd let Looby jump for Joy about that one! You see I haven't been happy since I changed my template and i did try that google ad-words for a while but to be quite frank i didn't even make a full dollar in a month so I decided to dispense with all the fuss and pick a new template, I've quite had my eye on this one for months and months but really wasn't quite sure if it fitted my personality but now I'm thinking yes it's me, one of my favourite colours is brown and if I did have a doggy it would probably be a Bassett hound or maybe a datschhund (sp?) Nothing much of any note going on here today, i'm having a hard time with my family at the moment, mother has insisted that everyone disown me, my therapist is right up there behind me so I know that i'm not wrong, hard to fight back against an abusor when it's your mother but hey ho i'll get there in the end.

Just got to keep on pushing

I love this photo from yesterday of Abigail, she just looks so pretty and sweet and you know for the most part she is, we've jst been to see her reception class teacher tonight and she's thrilled with how our little girl is settling in and loves how she is bright as a button and a hppay little soul, I'm really proud of her.

So yes I'm pushing, pushing and pushing a little more with regards to my business, it's so disheartning at the moment, the website is now all finished and I secured my professional email address today (more money) so if you want to hire me you can visit the site or email mandy@mandycharltondesigns.com, now thats a huge email addy for you!

The thing is though i still feel like i'm playing at big girl shops and i probably will until someone actually pays me for my services, my friends build me up and give me loads of confidence but there's still that niggling doubt at the back of my mind atleast 30 times a day which says your not good enough, My therapist calls this niggling doubt my mother!!

I have now chosen some very nice leaflets and business cards which are going to take a while but in the meantime I have some cheapie emergency business cards en route which I'm kind of hoping my hubby will help me spread accross the north east. Talking of Hubby, he's doubtful about playing on his calf strain at the weekend, so I'm asking you all to send a little healing energy over to Mr 30minutemeandering so that he gets to play in the county cup n Sunday morning, if he doesn't I fear my life will not be worth living for yet another week!!