For the last couple of mornings I have woken up to spring light pouring through my thin bedroom curtains, I've turned over to shut my eyes again for that extra 5 minutes of cherished sleep and as I've yawned and stretched for the first time every day I've remembered.  Each day there's that wonderful moment before I remember, life has changed, nothing will ever be the same because of Coronavirus.

I'm lucky I guess, I was one of the first to get sick, I experienced my body feeling so hot I thought I would burst into flames, my throat unable to swallow, blocked by shards of hot glass whilst my joints ached so much it made me sleep for 20 hours a day, this virus which invaded my immune system making me so poorly that I went from running a small business community to having a cyst burst and then projectile vomiting my own blood within just a few hours.  When this virus gets into your weak places, it really does it well.  So why am I lucky?  I'm lucky because I survived.

On the 27th of March, I can officially leave the quarantine period, I shall gallop through the park (Miranda style) with a grateful mind that I am one of the lucky ones.  I haven't been into the real world (barring hospital) since last week, Tuesday maybe?  Looby had been ill with a fever before I started to feel off-colour but when I was last out, the world was normal, I was, as I have always been, a freelance and mostly well-employed photographer.  

My previously recession-proof career died almost overnight, life stopped, weddings got postponed or cancelled and I went from a good income to no income, my business doesn't have premises so I won't get a grant and I think I'll be too small to apply for a business interruption loan when they launch next week and even then, when do I pay that money back, when will we switch from a public crisis where people are dying every day to wanting lovely family portraits of us all having fun.

Currently, none of my bills is suspended, I qualify for no help and the only piece of legislation which might help means that I won't be evicted whilst we have this crisis, I literally could lose everything but it could still be worse than that so for now, I am grateful to be here.

I see my job now to be one of the entertainers, I shall put myself out there, no matter how ridiculous I have to be to make people smile, I shall dance every day in my kitchen, I shall plant seeds and potatoes, I shall resume the redecoration of my home, I will bake cakes on Instagram, I will use the platform I love to cheer people up, to make people smile, laugh at me or laugh with me, as long as it makes you smile inside your tummy then it's all good with me.

Social isolation is hard and yet my hermity ways have been preparing for it for years, this is no time to complain or worry about the state of my own life because we are only just at the start so until I am dragged kicking and screaming whilst being evicted, and as long as I have an internet connection and something to broadcast on, that's what I'm going to do and I hope for light relief you will still pop by here and read my words or watch my Instagram and I promise to always be grateful that I am here and for now, whilst there's sunshine, my pets and a garden that I love, life could be so much worse.

A Decade in review 2010 - 2020

2020 is just around the corner, the roaring twenties some are calling it, it seems like the blink of an eye since I stood on the Redhugh Bridge with my friends Darren and Neil or as we called him that Christmas (Neilenium).  As the clock struck midnight we wondered what was around the corner, the Y2K bug never actually happened and technologically I think there've been more advancements in the last 20 years than ever before.

In 2010 (and thanks to my blog for being the diary of the last 15 or so years) I'd been in business for 3 years, I was settling in and loving what I was doing, my portraiture didn't really take off until around the end of 2011, just after Facebook introduced advertising, I was an early adopter and I'll always remember Christmas 2011 as the time when I accidentally made £30k in 3 months, I wish I could do that now but when I say FB ads have gotten more expensive, you wouldn't believe just how much more expensive, I've spent over £20k with FB ads in the last decade, if I hadn't, my business would have died long ago.

In April 2010, I'd just renewed my wedding vows, this last decade saw me wake up to the narcissistic abuse and coercive control and finally in 2015 I found my freedom, for the last 5 years I've had freedom from over 40 years of narcissism and although it's cost me highly I wouldn't change it for the world.  No one ever gets angry with me, no one ever tells me what to do or that I can't do something and I'm not even sure I'd take another chance on love, or it would have to be a very special person.  I've still never experienced someone having unconditional love for me and I'm not sure I ever will but at least I know I gave it and tried with all of my heart, to narcissists though, you'll never be good enough, that's one lesson I've learnt.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff because if there's been one amazing thing that's happened in the last decade it's that I've embraced my love for travel, I've still never done long haul but I've loved Europe with all of my heart. I even got paid to go on a cruise and be treated like a rockstar thanks to blogging and I shan't be forgetting that in a hurry!  Spain is my favourite country and Barcelona remains my favourite city.  Until you have seen the sunset over Tibidabo you have never really lived.  

In 2010 Looby was just 7 years old and now look at her, she's blossomed into one of the most amazing people on the planet, she's the product of unconditional love and no arguments, yes I annoy her by breathing sometimes but that is the teenage way!  I've never said no to Looby, I've never really needed to, she's such a beautiful individual girl who knows her own mission and has a heart of solid gold, her finest moment this year was to "come out of the cupboard" as she called it after she baked me a cake which said "I'm Gay" now we have to have cake every year on the same day and I'm totally on board with that!

Iain in 2010 was 14 years old, that alone makes me feel old, they continue to be an upstanding person in life too, they've been on their own personal journey with the realisation that they are non-binary, it's been the subject of many conversations and I'm still learning every day about the differences between gendered and non-gendered people, it's been a lot to get my head around but as I told them, as long as they're happy, that's my only wish.  It's something I need to write a complete article about, I just haven't had the time as we've hurtled towards the end of the year but they want me to do it, they freely give me permission so that in the end it will help anyone else (or their parents) who are going through the same thing.  I will say this for now, when we are born, we are formed from chromosomes which give us our assigned sex at birth, but that's far from how we can feel inside ourselves, gender is like a piece of string, we're all a little bit male or female or both or neither, non-binary is most opposite to genderqueer, Iain wishes their pronouns to be they and them and I respect that whole-heartedly.

Whilst we are on the subject of life-changing, 6 years ago, 4 little paws wandered into my kitchen, I fell in love immediately and Holly Bobbins has been my four-pawed best friend ever since, I've also rescued, or adopted several cats in that time, some who are no longer with us, a sad part of pet ownership but which teaches us just how precious life really is.

Speaking of friends, 10 years ago I hadn't met Harriet, I can't remember when that happened but we instantly connected and she's been my best friend and soul sister ever since, when I say we've had some adventures together, we really have, there've been holidays, tequila, dancing until dawn, laughter, crying, love and support and it's something I'll never stop being thankful for, I'm not someone who has a lot of friends (it's hard when you're a socially awkward hermit) but the friendships I do have, I cherish, Stacey, Rachel, Steph, all amazing female friends I've met in the last decade and I should also mention Ron and Steve who I've been friends with for over 20 years now and still see often, scary how time so quickly passes.

I could write more about this decade we're just about to step outside of but we'd be here all year, a decade is a long time to put in one blog post and I guess there are some parts I just don't want to talk about or even think about.  I'd say it's been a wild ride but actually, it's been pretty gentle, well I am now in my mid-forties after all and the wild party days of my twenties are long over, would I do it again if I had the choice?  Erm, no, I like going to bed at a reasonable time and my hips aren't what they used to be.

So 2020, I am ready for you, you're going to be my year, I don't know why, I cannot tell what's going to happen in the future but I am ready for you so come and get me!

I'm changing my blog, here's why...

I've always been a great documenter of things, I scrapbooked, I take a billion photos, much to my families dismay and I have been a blogger since bloggers weren't even in fashion.  I've loved my blog, I've hated my blog and my writing style and photography has changed a lot over the last 13 years.

Here's the thing though, my brain doesn't work as many people's, my part autistic, part bipolar thought processes are not quite so straight forward and add some long term bipolar meds in there and wahey, you're in for a mixed-up cornucopia of nonsense on some days.

I've just come back from a (possibly life-changing but too early to tell) solo holiday to the north of Tenerife, I left my Macbook at home and took only my camera, my iPhone, oh and an overpacked suitcase filled with more than I needed.

I wanted to remember everything that I'd done and as I had no one to remind me and my thought processes are often jumbled, I started writing a kind of list every day on Facebook, not just a list, it had an added commentary as well as the collected thoughts of the random things that go on inside my head every day.  After a week I'd grown to love the new shorthand way of writing and after doing a little research I've found it also makes good accessible reading.

I've had so much great feedback from it and found a whole new love of writing in a completely different style that I've decided to start writing my thoughts on my everyday life in the same way.  The only thing is that I'm not always standing in the crater of a volcano or going on a jeep safari so I've decided to just start by doing a weekly post but it will be a collation of my daily thoughts.

My next post will be a collated post of my week in Tenerife as it was written in the moment every evening, although I might correct some of my "in the moment" grammar as writing long posts with one finger is trepidatious, to say the least.

Now, I could have just started with my "Today I Have..." posts but not all of you lovely readers are also friends with me on Facebook and I did it through my personal profile and not my page because it was intended to just be something for me. 

It may not work, it may not translate to my everyday life and that's why I'm doing a roundup post each week at first. If I can think of enough to write though, well, we see how it goes and if you are one of my Facebook friends, feel free to skip the next post and I'll see you all on the other side, probably on a Wednesday!

National Stationary Week

I don't know about you but I find, even as an adult, or actually especially as an adult I have a weird addiction to stationery, let's call it a penchant for pens, a love of luminous highlighters, a romance with rubbers... oh, yeah, I'll stop now before this gets out of hand.

When Stabilo asked me to be one of their ambassadors it took about 0.2 seconds to accept, I mean who would refuse regular surprise delivery of pen and pencil heaven.

I'm particularly partial to the pretty highlighters which always make me smile and I adore the writing felt pens, if you've seen my other post about being organised you will know that felt tips are the thing I use to fill in my planner every single week, so much so it gets out of hand and none of the pages end up without a plethora of stickers and bright colours, does it help me to achieve my goals, heck yes!!

For sure if I start every week with a page full of bright coloured writing and motivational stickers you know I'm going to work faster, harder and better to achieve everything I've written down, it might sound weird but it works.

From April 29th to May 5th is national stationery week, a week to celebrate, the pens, the pencils, the erasers, the paperclips.  If your desk has too many pens for the pen pot then you'll definitely know what I'm talking about.

I guess some people might think I'm crazy to get excited about this stuff, and indeed some people think I'm a little crazy and that's even without the pen addiction but I have no fear of declaring my love of stationery to you and certainly no fear of thanking Stabilo for choosing me to send copious amounts of colouring pencils to and don't worry, if I'm a little too old for them, (they do offer a full range from 2-102) they find a good home with some of the smaller people I have in my life.

So thank you Stabilo and thank you stationery for making my world a brighter, happier, lovelier place.

I am an ambassador for Stabilo. I do not get paid to post but I do get occasionally lovely parcels full of pens and pencils.

10 Things I've learnt after 45 years on the earth

In just a couple of weeks I'll reach the great age of 45 years old, I'm part grateful and part stunned that I've actually made it through life so far.  I actually attach some disbelief to the age tag because since I was around 16 I've always imagined myself as 35.  I'm not sure if anyone else does this but I feel like I've always been in my mid thirties and the thought of reaching the next age category on many surveys, well it's a little daunting.  I'll be officially slipping over the boundary and sliding into the great age of 50 and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that.

Over the years though you learn a thing or two and once you're over 40, people tend to actually listen to you because maybe you've picked up a gem or two.  Just lately though (and maybe this is the gift of 45) I feel like I've learned more about myself than ever before.  Rather than ramble too much though here's just 10 things I've learnt in my first 45 years on the earth.

1. To a narcissist you will never be good enough and it doesn't matter what ever you do to try and attain that persons love, even if at times they build you up so highly you think you can't be loved any more, in those times, the higher they build you, the farther you have to fall when you do something they disagree with.  Just know that you are truly good enough at all times and turn your attention to others who see and appreciate your true value.

2.  Learning to love yourself is the most important thing you'll ever do, it's also the hardest, especially if you have spent years being knocked down by others but as the great Ru Paul tells us "If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you going to love anyone else?"

3.  Even the most neglected things can be resurrected with just a little bit of love and nurture, we all have times when we're so busy we forget about the little important things, like watering the houseplants but worry not, they'll still be there and will thank you for the extra attention by blooming back into life.

4.  You should always be happy working in your own business, yes there will be troubling times and challenges to conquer but if you're not happy in your own business then something is seriously wrong, after all, many people are unhappy working for others so they start their own businesses, why would you ever do things in that, that you don't want to do.

5.  In life and work you cannot do everything, outsource, outsource, outsource!

6.  You cannot change anyone else but by changing yourself you can bring about changes in others as they bend and mould to your changes.

7.  It is better to be happy and single with a dog than sad in a relationship.

8.  It is not the number of friends you have but the quality of the friendships which counts.

9.  Never give up on your dreams because you may just find them in the most unexpected places.

10. Don't ever beat yourself up for past mistakes, to err is human but every new day is a gift where we can start again trying to always be the best version of ourselves.

I'm sure in the next 45 years (hopefully, the females in my family seem to live for a very long time) I'll discover much more wisdom and many more truths about myself and others, I'm certainly not as scared of becoming 45 on February the first as I was to become 40 and actually I know why that is now, my life fell apart with my marriage when I was 40, well going into 45, I'm happy, I'm single, I have Holly Bobbins, my awesome teenagers and my brilliant and wonderful friends surrounding me.  I mean, how bad can that be, eh? 

How to be less anxious

In all of the years I've had anxiety, it's only the last few that it's become chronic anxiety, it swings between mild worry through to utterly disabling panic attacks  and some times it's the most ridiculous things which tip it off. Anxiety is the distorted reality that lives in side of you it's like it's real, it feels real but in the back of your mind you know it's not (hence the photograph above).

The only time I don't have anxiety is when I'm out working and have my camera, weirdly it's like some kind of super power, I'm literally super calm and relaxed, I just wish I could channel this feeling into all of the other parts of my life.

Take this week, I've been determined to get as up to date as possible so I've edited two weddings and 7 photo shoots, this makes me anxious because I always assume that no matter how hard I work everyone will hate everything that I produce, it's completely irrational, I use thousands of pounds worth of photographic and editing equipment, I've been in business for 12 years, shot hundreds of weddings, thousands of photo shoots and 99.9% come back time and time again, people send me kind words, thank you's, some I never hear from again but that's just business, people have busy lives but I think I give so much of myself in photography, maybe I care too much so I have that abject fear of rejection, fuelled by a past of being told I'm not good enough.  Yeah, realistically, psychologically and objectively I can explain everything rationally but that doesn't stop that fluttery anxious feeling which lives deep inside of me and knocks me so sick that I can't leave the house some days.

Just over 3 weeks I started on a supplement called Hempceutix which a company called Natures Plus asked if they could send to me.  I told them that I wouldn't write about it before I got a feel if it was going to work.  The ones I'm taking contain 5mg of phytocannaboids and I can report that it does seem to be having an effect on my anxiety levels, yes I'm still anxious but it's just the start of a long road finding the right type of hemp product that is going to work for me, I know I can increase the dose as these ones also come in a 15mg strength and I think that's my next step but overall I'm feeling much more relaxed in general and I'm getting out for wanders with Holly Bobbins, I even went to a dog friendly post office yesterday with her.  The truth is, I'll try anything at this point as all of the prescribed medications just haven't worked and the medication I've been on long term for bipolar has, I believe made the anxiety worse.

I had a course of CBT last year and I really didn't find it helpful with the exception of one thing the therapist said which was that in every situation we have to ask ourselves when we get anxious "can I do anything to change this situation and if not, is it worth worrying about?"  It's slightly more complex than that but she definitely had a point so now I try to take action where I can and not worry too much about the things I have no control over.

Last week I had 2 evenings of being social and not only survived but had a great time.  I truly hope that this is just the start and that I can just be a little better at accepting myself, at not worrying about money, life, Christmas, my worthiness as a business person and a mother.  I really do want to love myself and I guess I do, a lot more than I did, anyway.

I'm not about to make any miracle claims about the supplements and like most things, what works for me might not be the thing which works for you but I'm certainly willing to explore the world of CBD products until I find the best one for me, at their very worst they just might not work but if they make even a small difference then it's totally worth the trial.

My Daughters, The Superheroes

Hello lovely world, I'm back and I hope I can start blogging more often again now that I've actually caught up to date with editing for the first time since summer.  It's been a mad old year, it was quiet for so long and then completely crazy and with autumn being the gorgeous season it has been, work has been off the hook crazy which is good for me!

Yesterday I breathed a huge sigh of relief, no weddings or photo shoots to edit and this weekend I'm only working on Sunday as I have a rare Saturday off to go to London to do a photo walk with Three with Looby and Harriet.  Harriet hasn't ever explored London before (she's in her mid 30's so I find this fact weird) but Looby and I have promised to take her to see some of the sights and more importantly to take her to the Christmas department in Harrods.

Things have been going amazingly lately with my own businesses and Inspire, since we became a social enterprise it's made people realise that we're not in this to buy big mansions whilst we watch others struggle, if anything, it's probably the other way around, we literally put everything in we can whilst taking very little, tomorrow we've got our first big video recording day and the Inspire gift guide full of locally sourced products produced by women from all over the north of England promises to be quite the event, looking at the box of currently wrapped gifts we've received makes me feel, festive, fuzzy and warm.

Something I've experienced this year which has stood out to me is that I've found people who have issues with me, this to me is so weird as I rarely have issues with anyone I literally live my life in a little bubble, I write about my life in the here and now keeping it as real as I can and giving a first person account of a single entrepreneurial parent who lives with bipolar and anxiety, I don't gloss over the bad parts but I feel pretty lucky that there are more good parts and yet this year I've found people who have judged me, people who have "beef" for no good reason and some that even wanted my actual downfall.  Well I'm still here, I have virtual ear muffs on to drown out any haters and I'm eternally thankful to have a small circle of the most incredible friends who support me and love me for who I am.

I'm also lucky enough to have daughters who are total superheroes, just to give a for instance, I went out on Monday to a blogger event, it didn't start well as I had a migraine but I don't think I'd ever been to an event where I felt so uncomfortable and out of place, I should say it was nothing to do with the event and everything to do with me, I just can't do people or social situations, I'm incredibly awkward, I can't make small talk and when I left, along with every muscle in my neck being in spasm, I was an anxious mess.  I got home, told Looby and she gave me a massive hug because she knows, she's just come to understand how it is, when I'm out with her or Abigail, I usually always feel safe and like I can conquer the world and if I do get anxious they hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  Abigail is by far the most amazing girl for advice and for telling me off when I hate myself.  Of course it's a two way thing and I provide them with everything I can give but isn't it a wonderful thing to have such an amazing relationship with your teenagers?

As we start our descent into the crazy season, Christmas is the closest thing to a bipolar manic state, anyone who has bipolar will understand what I mean, bipolar is like the over-excitement of Christmas combined with the sad regret of January all combined in one.  My manic states can be compared to those dancing Christmas lights which get faster and faster, they start so pretty and twinkly and end up an utter mess of overstimulation.  Be kind to your friends who have mental health issues at Christmas because without a doubt, it's the most challenging time of year from us, I make light of it, of course, because you have to laugh at yourself.

Well, I've rambled quite enough now, in truth I was going to write this at 1am when I couldn't sleep and a snoring beagle was so close to me she was almost lying on my cheek, I'll be back with another gift guide very soon and until then, enjoy that build up to the most wonderful time of the year.

When life smacks you in the face...

Today is my first day back at my desk after being overcome with germs last week, I'd not been ill for nearly 2 years but boy did those germs smack me in the face, it had started with weird dreams and just after I wrote that post, I ended up in bed sleeping for practically 24 hours.  I managed to find the energy to work over the weekend but slept a lot in between. Oh and we also had all 3 dogs from last Thursday until today, that's a whole lot of energy, it also makes me realise just what an easy dog Holly Bobbins is, much like babies, I like my sleep too much to have a puppy!

It's my own fault, I'd been working relentless 15 hour days and pushing myself harder than one should, it's understandable though, working on a new project and getting that off the ground is hard, especially when you are risking your own life's work on it.  I am pleased to say it's all been worth it though and as those hazy lazy days of high summer come into play we are settling into calm with The Inspire Network, we took in so many members last week that we've temporarily closed our membership program to give us time to catch up, we relaunch on the 1st of August though and it's going to be big!

I'm a huge fan of vitamins to keep me going and I'd completely forgotten to stock up, another reason I think contributed to the sudden downfall of my health so when the postman knocked I nearly snatched his hand off.  Lovely company Care have just launched 3 new supplements and they're all for women like me, in our prime, in our forties, you know when you still feel young enough to conquer the world but your body says "hang on a minute, you're not 20" . Suffice to say I'm now taking their Advanced Immune Support forever, it's definitely something I need, I have no time for sick days, I have too much I want to achieve.

I'm also adding in Care collagen beauty formula because I want to keep my youthful complexion for as long as I can and it's not all about Botox and fillers you know, even though I'm a convert to those too although I think that's more often about you doing you, shouldn't everyone invest in themselves as much as possible?

I've also started taking the Care collagen joint formula because, well I walk a lot and it's in your forties when you start to notice those joint aches and pains.

I think between the 3 products I should be good to go although I have been taking a high strength Vitamin D3 and a magnesium tablet for quite some time now, they keep my brain in order and they keep me sane during the dark winter months.

Tomorrow I have 2 meetings and then we're off, Me, Harriet, Abigail and Holly Bobbins, Looby double booked herself with riding competitions which is a shame but I'm so ready to completely switch off and that's what I am actually doing this time, I've removed Messenger from my phone, I'm going to stay away from Facebook unless it's for checking in and sharing lovely holiday photos, that's totally allowable isn't it?  No work though, in fact the lovely Airbnb Cottage we're going to doesn't even have wifi.  We're having adventures in the Lake District and more adventures in the Southwest Coast of Scotland as it's smack bang in the middle and right on the Solway Estuary, it actually looks to be about a 10 minute walk from the banks of the estuary so for me, that's bliss, whenever I'm by the water it calms my soul.

To be honest the next 6 weeks will have a more laid back feel to them, our ladies at Inspire all holiday during the summer and my photography calendar isn't too overwhelming, I could take on extra work but I'm being really selective about what I do take on, it's a great feeling to be in that position.

In all probability this will be my last blog of the week, I'm aiming for once a week during the holidays, I have adventures and family time I need and want and I have no doubt at all that you'll all still be around in September when we'll all be revived and reinvigorated.

Happy Summer everyone, go make some memories!

Rumours, Challenges and Misconceptions...

Well it's been another relentless week with endless days, a change in the company structure (again) and stuff to deal with that no one could have planned for, I guess my experience of running a company has been much like my experience of shooting my first wedding all those years ago, a baptism of fire!

I think I've already admitted that learning how to be a CEO isn't easy but I do have inner strength and utter resilience and after all, I've overcome so many obstacle's in my life to get to right here, right now that I know we as a company are growing in strength every day that we exist.

So much good has happened, no less than 31 licensed groups, 43 paid members, every day is about finding people who are on the same mission as me.  My Linkedin pings me approximately once every hour with someone who wants to add me and then sends me a message trying to sell me help, consultancy, coaching, I'm not entirely sure that's the point of Linkedin but it certainly makes me prickly.

I'm a very straightforward person really, I am who I say I am, I'm always honest, I have learned some tact and diplomacy over the years but I recognise there's still a way to go.  I do know that it's not always easy when you have anxiety because you always believe you are in the wrong and that people naturally hate you but in reality I try to spread only love, if you ask anyone, I rarely say a bad word about anyone and if I do it's usually a question of "How can this person be this way, I don't understand?" because I naturally start with love in all relationships and between us, I'll never get my head around bullying or backbiting, to me it makes no sense at all.

I think we as women tend to internalise a lot of things, we are definitely the ones who deal with guilt and often we are great over thinkers, I guess this can lead to feelings of persecution but really it shouldn't, if you think someone has issues with you, what you should do is approach that person, offer out a hand of friendship or maybe even coffee and cake because you might just find someone is different on a one to one basis than they seem to you online or in emails.

I remember in my childhood doing a performing arts week and some girls saying to me "you're so different to what everyone say's you're like" I'd been bullied and the rumour mill was in overdrive and really it's this kind of thing that has followed me through life, a photographer met me a year or so ago and was honest enough to say "you're lovely, people told me that you didn't like other photographers and that you're crazy" (i'm paraphrasing but words to that effect) and I do internalise the facts that I wonder what it is that makes people even want to start rumours.  Jealousy?  Fear?  I'm not really sure but I do know this, no one should ever be jealous of me and scared?  No one should ever in a million years be scared of me.

This week in photography has been a dream, I've booked 5 weddings, 4 photo shoots and all in life is good, it deflects some of the challenges I face because I know well respected I am and so if I can just continue to get these feelings to grow and if I can reach people and let them really know the leader I am and that I am trying to be then truly I have the power to inspire and do great things.  I know I have by my side the most amazing team and together we are going to change the world, you better watch this space because we've only just begun.

How Do CEO's Take Holidays?

Last night after just 3 nights in beautiful Northumberland, we came home early due to various issues, mostly to do with work and the lack of not only WIFI but also pretty much zero phone signal, a half bar of 3G which lasted for just a few moments every hour wasn't a great prescription for being able to work whilst relaxing.

It sounds like a first world problem but even though I'd told people that I would be away on holiday with my both of my daughters together for the first time since 2015 it didn't stop people asking so much of me that I couldn't do that I felt anxious, overwhelmed and eventually decided to come home and so I'm back at my desk well before I was due to sit down again on Monday.

I don't remember this ever happening with my business in 12 years, my wonderful photography clients just always understood but being a CEO is different, not only do you have a team of people working for you, you also have the demands of your members, the licensee's and the admin who just don't have the ability do do some of the things you can.  I understand it, once you become a CEO people feel they have ownership of you and even when you gently impress on them that you're on holiday they still send repeated requests because there's no one else they can ask.

I suppose it's a unique situation, most CEO's have achieved so much that their team deal with most issues because they're paying them, they've built huge powerful iconic companies and they have payrolls to match.  We don't have that, we are two months old, we were a not for profit, we started with zero funding and yet there are some who feel that I should be able to pay large amounts of money or the expectation that we are suddenly rolling in it at the cost of our members and it's just not true.  We did make a profit in our first month of our £400 and in our second month of just under £600 which is amazing for a brand new organisation.  That doesn't actually account for money payable as a salary though so yes it seems like we're doing well and we are actually doing amazingly but we're far from being a company who can employ the people we want to employ like admin staff, coaches and problem solvers.  The suggestion by someone that I'm running a pyramid scheme made me laugh out loud, I live in the dodgy part of Heaton, holiday in cheap caravans and don't even have a yacht for the bath never mind in real life.

I have such belief that we can be a globally recognised organisation that I am risking everything, in 2020 I'm retiring from wedding photography and even next year I'm taking the business I love so much down to just 1 day at weekends so I'm ever more available for people who need me to do things.  I already give more hours a day than is possibly healthy but I'm willing to do whatever needs to be done to achieve the goals I've set myself.

I don't know if I'm going to holiday again anytime soon, usually I try to take a break every couple of months just for my mental health but it's not tenable if I end up back at my desk, early, feeling anxious and depressed because overwhelm has grabbed me by the throat.

I know there's a suggestion that I could maybe just turn off all notifications, not read or respond to emails and maybe even totally disconnect but anxiety won't let me do that, I'd dread and fear opening my email box after a week away.

Abigail quite rightly says that Richard Branson has his own island for a reason, CEO's can't have holidays so he bought an island, from where he can leave his desk and go kite surfing at any given moment so whilst I can't quite afford my own island I do have a plan for the future to work hard, buy a caravan (with super fast internet) and escape to their as often as I can whilst still being able to be present.

Life is changing, life has changed, I'm still adjusting but I'll get there...

A progress report...

"Where in the heck have you actually been?"  I hear you ask?  Well, apparently in the 19 hour workday's I've been working for the last month, no one really left any spare moments to come and update my poor blog, it's like that year when I started my first business and only blogged 34 times in one year, shameful really and it's kind of the worst because so much has been happening that it would have been great to tell you all stage by stage!  

So, I took over as CEO of The Inspire Network International Ltd when the company was formed on May 2nd, my manifesto for Inspire is to educate, inspire and empower entrepreneurial women at every stage of business and my main task for May was to launch 30 new licensed groups which would mean meetings all across the NE of England and beyond, ready for our June 1st launch when we become national (or international if we can find the ladies out there who want to come and join this thing we're building).

We've successfully launched 25 groups all over the NE and one in North Yorkshire so I'd say it's going well.  We've made a profit from our first day but we're still a very long way from being able to employ me formally, we will though and thankfully I have Mandy Charlton Photography to fall back on which just about feeds the kids and Holly Bobbins although there'll probably be no holidays for us this year, no matter though, I had good holidays last year and I know it won't always be this way, times of transition are always the toughest and also the most character building.  I do need to find some time to try and get away to a small cottage in the middle of nowhere though just for a few days, I have so much planning I need to do and I need quiet, time and no wifi to be able to achieve that.  The business plans in my head need to be written down!

Our first event is tomorrow night, we had 75 tickets which were gone in 24 hours and that's very heartening though I still have to finish writing my TED talk "You can do anything you want as long as you do it on your own terms".  I want to Inspire women no matter what situation they're in that the can go out there and change the world, in fact, it's one of the reasons I took on the company because I fundamentally believe that I can change women's lives for the better.  When I first spoke about my crazy ideas to Julie and Amy (my board of directors) I said we were going to become a for profit company but with philanthropy always at the heart of it.  I want to always give more than we receive and no one should underestimate my power and strength in making things happen.

Overwhelmingly I've been met with joy and anticipation, the kind words of support are so encouraging, last week at the launch of a delicious summer menu at Mr Petit, a small, chic Tapas bar situated in old Eldon Square (check it out if you're in the area, the food is delicious and they make their own magical blend of Sangria, sadly I was allergic but I am allergic to most alcoholic drinks these days) I encountered so many enthusiastic friendly faces who were all excited for the future of Inspire.

My work in June is just to continue the work that I've started, at weekends I go back to my first love, photography and it's really like a holiday in itself because it's so completely different to being a CEO although when I get into bed exhausted on a Sunday evening, I wonder just how many hours someone can work in one week!  Thankfully I'm superwoman and because I announced next year I'll be only doing photography part time I know there's an end in sight although not necessarily to the 19 hour days.  I took one whole day off in May, that was on Monday this week, it was such a big help just to have fun and not worry about a thing, I'm aiming to do the very same kind of thing a couple of times in June, after all you have to look after your own health before you look after the health of a company!

Abigail is coming to work for Inspire as a paid intern once she's finished her exams and that's going to help so much as she'll be handling many of the administrative tasks which take up time but aren't necessarily the most productive things I need to work on.  It's going to give her so much work experience to add to her CV and we'll be looking at setting up our not for profit Young Woman's Inspire group over the summer too.

In mid-June we'll be having a summer social for the whole network and I'm hoping these become a staple of the calendar, a time to kick back, relax and for the first one at least, there'll be artisan pizza's courtesy of our friends at The Northumberland Hussar.

If you thought May was exciting, you won't believe what's coming next...

Is it really worth upgrading to the iPhone X just for the camera?

In November last year I upgraded to the iPhone 8Plus purely and simply for the camera, I have enough phone contracts because I pay for all of my teens on the condition that I get the newest phones and really they don't mind that at all.  So after using that until a few weeks ago I decided to loan and iPhone X from my lovely friends at Three who I've worked with lots of times now.

I'd tried an iPhone X in the shop when it came out but I really didn't like the swipe up instead of the home key and I wasn't at all convinced I would like the fact that you unlock the phone and pay for things by using your face, hell, I don't even like my face!!

The phone came, I unboxed it and I was safe in the knowledge that I could use it for a month and then send it back, I really was sceptical about the fact it's got a whole new camera system and could it really be better than the 8Plus?

Let me tell you, it took me 3 days to not only completely fall in love with the phone but by the Saturday I'd been in store to do the upgrade on my own contract.

The iPhone X completely knocks it out of the park when it comes to photography, I'll give you an example of when I was in the lake district with the iPhone X and my DSLR which had a £1500 lens attached to it, I didn't really believe that a phone retailing at just over £1k would equal £2500 of professional photography equipment but you know what?  I was wrong!!

Now I would tell you which on was taken with which but that really would spoil the fun so which one do you think was taken with an iPhone X and which one was taken with a Canon professional body plus a Canon L Lens?

One of them was quickly edited with Instagram and the other was edited with Lightroom but the differences are completely subtle.

Now I'm someone who's always believed that it's not about the camera it's about the person behind the camera and also that the best camera is the one you have with you at the time.  I know after using the iPhone X for nearly a month now I no longer feel the pressure to take my big camera unless I'm specifically shooting for a stock photography agency and then the only difference really comes down to pixels rather than quality.

So, let me show you some more favourites from this last month taken with the iPhone X

I think we'd all agree that for something which you can just have in your pocket all of the time it does a pretty great job and really for me it's a little scary just what a good job it does, I don't think there'll ever be a time when we don't have digital SLR's but at the same time, technology is progressing so quickly, it's only a couple of years since Apple introduced portrait mode which could throw out the background and it's come on since it was first launched in Beta on the iPhone 7Plus.  If you can replicate the effects of a £1500 - £2000 lens with something you can carry in your back pocket, well the world is your oyster and it's a sign of the times that photography will never be the same, I do still think there are times when my big camera is always going to out perform the iPhone and thank goodness but if they're this good now, can you imagine the progress over the next 10 years, maybe one day I'll just need to go to weddings with six small iPhones in my kit....I'm joking about that, no, really it's way too scary to even imagine that.

Thanks to Three for the loan of the iPhone X and for introducing me to my own new phone.

Where do I go from here?

Last week I sat down and wrote an impassioned post about business and work and my frustrations about the weather and sustaining business for the next decade.  I deleted the post about 12 hours after I posted it, it felt like a knee jerk reaction and the very next day the weather changed for the better and it's been pretty much sunny ever since, maybe the universe has a way of saying "hang on in there, things will get better"

A week on and I'm feeling low, and that's not helped by the fact that I've put on 4lb of weight in 8 days and my rosacea has broken out, I thought meal replacement shakes were supposed to be the easy way to lose weight?  Especially after amping up my exercise levels, Harriet has also noticed my depression markers have risen considerably over the last week so it's a sure sign something is wrong and I think the only way to find out is to speak to a doctor, they are after all, the experts.

This weekend I have 14 photo shoots booked in my calendar, mainly they're all reschedules from earlier dates where the weather failed us 2, 3 or in some cases 4 times, none the less I feel better when I'm working, it feels so much more productive to me and I know it's a perpetual cycle of people getting excited when they see their images so they tell their friends and then their friends book, something there's been a lack of when I only shot a handful of sessions in the first 3 months of the year.

I guess what took me by surprise this year was that I was prepared for winter, I had savings, no one could have anticipated how long winter actually lasted for and now sprint is on a catch up, in just 3 days the tree outside my window has exploded into leaf growth.  Last weekend when there was no cherry blossom on the trees in Saltwell Park I mused that at least I could offer May cherry blossom sessions this year, probably for the first time as there weren't even leaves on the trees last Sunday.

I'm predicting that the weather now should have sorted itself up and I can press on with marketing for spring and summer safe in the knowledge that when the dark days of winter last too long you usually get a scorching hot summer to compensate.

If you are local to Newcastle these are my next 5 dates you can have an all inclusive £100 mini photo shoot at - 

Jesmond Dene - 29th April - 10, 10.30, 11, 11.30, 12.30, 2, 2.30, 3pm
Jesmond Dene - 12th May 11, 11.30, 12, 1, 1.30, 2, 2.30, 3, 3.30pm
Saltwell Park - 19th May, 10, 11, 11.30, 12, 1, 1.30, 2, 2.30, 3pm

King Edwards Bay -26th May, 10, 10.30, 11, 11.30, noon, 2.30, 3pm

Tynemouth Longsands - 27th May 10, 10.30, 11, 11.30, noon, 1, 1.30, 2, 2.30, 3pm

You get all of the edited images (at least 15x20) and you get the experience of a fun session, all of the kids I meet really enjoy it and there's usually chocolate at the end, I even carry supplies of dairy free sweets, sometimes vegan just in case the small ones are allergic.

Yesterday I also set up a new wedding page on my blog, I think the big dream is to turn this blog into a full on blogsite which encompasses everything I do but I've spent years optimising my actual website so it may take time and a stealthy plan before I can do that.  If you are looking for a photographer in Newcastle for your wedding, that page is a good place to start.

I'm off outdoors now to enjoy some sunshine, a big walk, a healthy lunch, and some time spent with Looby and Holly Bobbins, that I think is just what the doctor ordered.

Does Anyone Have The Answer?

This week has been such a tricky one, it's a weird old life that I lead, last year I think I noted that even though my personal life was dreadful my business one was going from strength to strength. Fast forward to this year and my business life is asking more questions than there are answers whilst my personal life is, well, bloody marvellous actually.

Do you think anyone truly has it all?  Business and personal in a fabulous synergy where everything is just about as perfect as it can be?  Is it stupid to dream that I might be one of those have it all types of women?

It's weird how the oddest things can affect business, I never dreamt that this year would hold rain in store on just about every single weekend since Christmas, difficult when your main source of income is outdoor portraiture.  Weddings I think are the constant I think in my business, they happen whether it's sunny or raining, dull or apocalyptically snowing, in my time it's truly done it all, I guess that's why I love them!

I didn't sleep last night, I worried all night trying to come up with ways to continue offering outdoor portraiture all year round and I still don't have the answer, well I sort of do but it's not the most realistic.  You see I guess, whilst I wouldn't want a studio, somewhere indoors that looks like outdoors is the answer, you know like the Sky Gardens in London or maybe an old ruined castle or manor house, all of those would create amazing backgrounds for portraits and all of them would be infinitely possible all year around.  There's no doubt that we have similar spaces all around the Northeast of England, I mean we have winter gardens, we have castles, we have botanic gardens with green houses but all of those are commercial ventures, you can't just turn up at  Belsay Hall and start shooting portraits without an angry English Heritage representative escorting you off the property because it's a £150 per photo shoot on a pre-arranged date/time.

There must be answer out there though and maybe you know what it is, maybe you have a suggestion?  I know I definitely don't want another studio, I did that for 2 years and I hated the fact that there were no trees, I didn't like that you had one small spot of perfect light where you had to try and contain small people who would love to be running around because running around is what they should be doing, it's natural and that's the thing I love most of all, space and trees and beautiful rich colours of the landscapes of the northeast of England.

Maybe there is no answer, maybe I'm going to have to get a team of umbrella holders called Bob, Bert and Bryan to come keep families and me, my camera gear and everything else dry, I do hope they'll help amuse the kids!  Seriously though a patch of Gunnera would be perfect in these circumstances.

So, answers on a postcard please, I need some help and you, my lovely readers may be wise to something I haven't thought of yet.

The curse of the haunted lens

This time last year, well not exactly this time as it's Tuesday morning, but, last year in the evening I was sitting in my garden with my dog beside me sipping a nice cold glass of Sancerre in the evening sunshine.  Fast forward a year and it couldn't be more different, this weekend we've seen rain, more rain and then as the icing on the weather cake, some snow!

I rescheduled 20 outdoor photo shoots and to put that in to context, I've had more reschedules due to the weather this year than I had in the whole year last year, I think it's probably the worst weather I've ever seen as a portrait photographer in 12 years of business.

I'm not really sure what the answer is or even if there is an answer, I simply have to wait for the sun to come out so I can get back into the swing of things.  I'm lucky really, I booked 5 weddings last week for 2018, 2019 and even one for 2020, I'd decided that I wanted to increase the number of shorter bookings that I shoot and so the universe made it possible, maybe the rain was a large hint?  I also wonder if it's the rental lens I've hung onto since early January, I've even mused that it might be cursed, well it's going back later today and yesterday I went and picked up my very own Canon 24-70 f2.8L, here's hoping the curse doesn't spread.  My OH helpfully suggested that maybe it didn't want to be a portrait lens, maybe it preferred landscapes, I'm sure he's partially right because on Friday when it apocalyptically rained all day in Newcastle, me, my camera and the cursed lens went to the Lake District and took some beautiful photographs which are now buried deep in my editing pile, don't worry, they're worth waiting for.

I should have published my April roundup post today but it's been so dark and I really wanted light springlike photos, looks like I'm going to have to do them today and then just make them look light and bright and sunny, I think I might require a miracle as it's as equally grim today as it has been all weekend.

Tomorrow, I fly to the Emerald Isle, the land of Eire, a place I've never been before but somewhere I can't wait to visit, we have activities already planned, the Guiness factory with the amazing views of Dublin from the top floor, the Zoo because Looby loves the Zoo and the National museum of the Leprechaun because, well, Ireland, maybe I'll meet one who can lift the weather curse from Newcastle?

Whatever happens and however much it rains, I don't care, I am myself waterproof and I'm taking the big camera for epic shots of Ireland, on Friday Looby and I are going to try and go somewhere rural so we can get a real taste of the republic of Ireland, it's so lovely to be travelling again and I mused to Harriet that it's the first time I'll have flown to somewhere that isn't warmer than the UK, still a bit gutted that it's not a constant 22c and sunny in Dublin, hehe!

Having checked the flights much further ahead i've duly noted flights to Palma for £20 per person in a couple of weeks so the time has come to start a mega travel education with Looby I think although that does require an income and in my case, an income requires weather that isn't constantly flipping raining!  Wish me luck breaking the curse! 

A worrying time for an outdoor business...

Spring, do you even remember what that was?  It's the start of Meteorological spring on Thursday and it's forecast to snow every single day this week, I mean, really?  What fresh level of Hell is this?  I thought I had prepared for winter, I had savings so that I could take most of January off and then I've worked on only a couple of occasions outdoors during February and now I can't even take on work for this weekend because I know that outdoor sunny photo shoots are more than unlikely.  I may yet offer snowy sessions but we'll see how it goes, I'm not sure prolonged exposure to temperatures which feel like -15c is a good idea

It's certainly a worrying time for business owners like me who need to be outdoors, I guess I'm lucky in that I can still do things from home and I have other areas of business I can work on, I can't imagine it's very much fun if your whole business eco system depends on decent weather though.

My life in general at the moment is pretty brilliant minus the irksome weather, my face is settling down after Friday's Facelift and I'm happier with no filters than I've been for a long time, it was even noticed on Saturday night , I guess it's easier for others to see it rather than me although I can definitely notice subtle differences, there are a couple of tiny areas I'm going to discuss with Dr Uzma and her team at my next appointment at the Queensway Skin Clinic but it was always the plan to be sensitive and then be topped up because it's much easier to have a little more than it is to start taking the fillers out again.  The swelling has completely gone now which is amazing and more than ever I'm trying to work on getting to the cause of Rosacea and although I know there's no cure I know there are products out there which can help massively.

This really was just a quick update, It's hard to write every day when life is going so well as it's not necessarily interesting for you to read articles which just say, life is good, life continues to be good, there's nothing groundbreaking and there are no huge plans, it's just nice though, steady and good and though there are some things I don't really talk about here, I will say that life is personally pretty perfect right now, I'm smiling a lot these days!

How not to behave at a Sage Gateshead concert

My beloved RNS, please note, I'm not breaking any rules here, this was before the performance hence empty seats

I'm very lucky to freelance for a couple of fabulous north east sites reviewing concerts and events, namely NE Recommends and Nights Out In Newcastle, mostly at grown up, fabulous venue Sage Gateshead and occasionally at the Theatre Royal or the Whitley Bay Playhouse.  Last year I saw more music performances than I'd seen in my whole entire life, The Bootleg Beatles playing Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, The Beach Boys, Elaine Paige and it's pretty well known that I am the original Royal Northern Sinfonia fan girl, I love live music.  I love orchestra's performing live, for me, the RNS can do no wrong, they could play the alphabet and they would still make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.  I'm quite alright to miss ASMR which irritates the life out of me, just give me an orchestra performing music I love and I'm in Heaven.

Sage Gateshead is in my opinion one of the most splendid music venues in the whole world, indeed it was Ben Folds who called it one of the four best symphony halls in the whole world, it attracts all kinds of performers from the world of classical music right through to pop, each concert is unique and brings it's own kind of audience, it's not a shouting, getting drunk and trying to crowd-surf type of venue although on certain occasions certain audience members have seemed to think that's exactly what it is.  Behaving badly at concerts is one of my absolute pet peeves and I've seen some pretty awful behaviour over the last year, let me take you on a journey through things you should never do at a concert.

1. Do not go out drinking all day and turn up with your "bessie mates" whilst wearing reindeer antlers.

2. Do not shout at a woman who's irritated by you and threaten her with a fight mid concert.

3. Do not try and have sexual relations in the row in front of me after having way too much to drink

4. Don't get told off by stewards for putting your handbag on the stage.

5. Don't be that drunk middle aged couple swinging each other around taking photos of the crowd.

6. Don't try and film the entire concert on your big screened phone, it's on every door that video and photography generally allowed during the performance.

7. Don't spread eagle yourself and settle down for a nap during a classical performance.

8. Don't have a big old chatter throughout an intimate performance when you are sitting just above the performer who's trying to play the piano and sing.

9. Don't have a chat with your workmates who are sitting at the opposite side of the concert hall

10. Don't try to high five the band or climb on the stage during the performance, this is a grown up venue not the back room of a pub.

Now, I realise, I'm a grumpy middle aged woman but really, doing any of the above things will only lead to you being told off or possibly ejected from the hall and you've probably paid quite a lot of money for the tickets to that performance.  If you want to get rowdy, go to a venue which has a mosh pit but don't for the love of all that is music, do it at a grown up venue featuring world class performances.  I've seen children at playgroups behave better than some of the adults I've seen getting ejected from concerts I've been at.

Sage Gateshead is the most wonderful building, the most unique concert venue and it's home to our beloved RNS, don't let your behaviour spoil my most beloved concert venue in the whole world.