Music, one of the very most important things to me, when I am happy I listen to music almost every day all day, when I'm out I have my earbuds in and when I'm at home I stream it all around the house.  When I am depressed or sad or having mental health issues, the first thing that goes is my enjoyment of music, it begins to sound too loud and becomes uncomfortable but at its heart, music is one of the greatest loves of my life.

I've talked about music on my blog on several occasions and I've written about music for at least 5 years before the pandemic, I have reviewed so much music and had very few bad experiences because, for me, live music will always be like magic.

I wanted to compile an essential playlist for a friend but what became clear, very quickly was that for each track I was going to add to my playlist I would also need to annotate why that particular piece of music is important to me.  After 30 minutes I realised the gargantuan task that I'd just set myself in a throwaway comment.  Compiling a playlist of every song that is important to me would probably take a month and where would I start?  If I go back in time with my musical history, I could go all the way to Chopin, Holst, Gershwin and listening to a playlist that goes all the way from the 19th century probably isn't consumable in one easy sitting.  My history of musicals alone goes from George and Ira Gershwin and covers at least 100 years of music.

So let's say this is my first essential playlist and there are probably 10 more deep cut playlists for every single genre because really, I love music from so many genres, from jazz to rock to country to uplifting house and even my hatred of rap music was questioned when I heard the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time, yes it's a musical but if it isn't rap music in there then what is it?

So, let me start by saying that when I compiled this on Spotify, I didn't organise it by history (and yes, I am sure that's going to annoy some people). I simply pulled the music from various playlists that I play endlessly.  I do add new music to my playlists but there are core tracks that will always be there. This entire playlist may not be to your taste but I am unapologetic about the music that is on it, musical education is never wasted.

Mandy's Essential Playlist (click that link to listen on Spotify)

1. Blackbird - The Beatles.  I feel like I came to The Beatles quite late but I've been lucky enough to see The Bootleg Beatles live which were about as near as you can get today as well as extensively listening to their music.  Blackbird is such a simple song but it's also beautiful.
2. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys.  I was writing for an online site a few years ago and had the honour of attending a concert, it was shortly after the atrocities of Manchester Arena and security was so high just to get into Sage Gateshead but they completely blew me away.  God Only Knows will always touch my heart, the lyrics in the second verse get me every time
3. Zac and Sara - Ben Folds.  I saw this performed live when Ben Folds came to the northeast a few years ago, there's just something joyous about the heavy-handed piano style of Ben Folds and the complex lyrics of this song, there really is everything in this song if you listen to it.
4. Us - Regina Spektor.  I discovered this song from watching the movie 500 days of summer and it became one of the most iconic pieces of my life, in 2010 it was one of 3 songs I chose to be played at the vow renewal of me and my then-husband, I had to reclaim this song after we separated because I loved it so much and I didn't want to not be able to play it again.  I play it now and it reminds me of a time and place in my life and I think it's important that we don't erase those memories because everything brings us to the place where we are now and the person we have become.
5. Leave a Light On - Belinda Carlisle, this was a difficult choice because the Runaway Horses album defined the summer of my fifteenth year on earth, I managed to see this whole album performed just a couple of years ago for its 30th anniversary, I went on my own and I loved every single second, this was the soundtrack to my teenage years and to my first experience of love and all of the complexities that come with it.
6. Prelude/Angry Young Man - Billy Joel.  I have loved Billy Joel since I was 11 years old and received the Innocent Man cassette for my birthday, Billy has such an eclectic style that it just makes me happy.  I may not have seen him in concert but I have seen Elio Pace who performs "The Billy Joel Songbook" 3 times, he sounds more like Billy Joel than Billy Joel and when he starts the show with Prelude/Angry Young Man, I always get that intense ASMR reaction.
7. Old Town - The Coors.  The Coors were the soundtrack of my mid-twenties, or at least my weekday soundtrack, my weekends were mainly made up of euphoric house music but I remember working in the men's department at House of Fraser in the Metrocentre and being able to take in my own CD's and I used to play this track a lot because it's happy and bouncy and I am at my best when I am happy and bouncy
8. Greatest Day - Take That.  I have seen Take That live about 4 times now and this song is anthemic, when I hear it, it's so full of promise, and the reality is, every day could be the greatest day of your life.  I will always love Take That, they're the soundtrack to my life in two parts.
9. Proud, Heather Small.  This is another anthem, every day you should ask what you've done today to make you feel proud and if you're guessing the theme, I love uplifting music, I also love Miranda and you can't listen to Proud without thinking about Miranda.  A couple of years ago I arrived at a festival just as Heather Small came out and when she sang Proud I cried because I was so happy to hear her sing it live.
10. Bad Habit, Ben Platt.  This is a pretty new addition to my ultimate playlist, I discovered Ben Platt through Dear Evan Hansen and when he started to produce his own music, I fell in love with it, this one has the lyrics "Someone to quiet the voices in my head, make the sing to me instead, you do" and really, those lyrics about having anxiety and wanting to be with people who make you feel happy, well that's what the meaning of life is to me
11. Waving Through a Window, Ben Platt.  Two mentions on one list but this is my favourite song from Dear Evan Hansen written by Pasek and Paul who also wrote the soundtrack to The Greatest Showman.  Dear Evan Hansen is the show I was going to see before the pandemic, it's probably my favourite musical now and I think it's because it's about fitting in, I never fitted in, I have always been different and whether you're growing up or an adult, wanting to desperately fit in can be hard, this song really sums that up and the anxiety that goes beside it.
12. Defying Gravity, Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth.  Wicked, the musical, saved my life and I am unapologetic about my love for it.  I was in a really dark place when Elphaba came along and told the world that she might be different but she was going to do things on her own terms. I love this musical so much that I've seen it live at least 3 times and it was the first West End musical I took my daughters to see, Looby was only just about to be 4 at the time and we've all loved Wicked ever since.
13. Heroes, David Bowie.  David Bowie, obviously a genius and yet, I love this song not because of him but because of Moulin Rouge, it features in the Elephant Love Medley and the lyrics sang to me "Though nothing, will keep us together, we could steal time, just for one day" I love that lyric so much, I can't promise my entire life to someone nor would I expect them to do the same of me but those days where no one else matters, the days which never end like a little bubble of time, maybe they're the meaning of life.
14. Mr Brightside, The Killers.  If there's ever a party this is the one where everyone is on the dancefloor, arms in the air, completely euphoric, I bloody love this song.
15. Mr Blue Sky, ELO.  This is such a happy song but there's an amazing string section in there and when you play it loud it makes you want to dance.  It also features in one of my favourite episodes of Doctor Who, I love it, my children love it and if there was ever a happy road trip playlist, this always features on it.
16. I've got the music in me, Kiki Dee.  So I've always loved this song and then last year I watched Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist and this was in an episode which made me want to do a Flashmob before I was 50, I have 2.5 years left and one day, flashmobs will be allowed again, it's the ultimate dancing down the street, singing at the top of your voice kind of song and during lockdown I'd play it in the garden, singing it loudly because it made me feel happier and then one day my neighbours came out and said how they would hear me singing and they'd love it.  We have been friends ever since even though they've all moved back to India.
17. Don't You, Forget About Me, Simple Minds.  Classic 80's song and The Breakfast Club, was there ever a more iconic 80's movie, I was in love with half of the Brat Pack and I still love the movies today, I also love when the Barden Bella's sing this and you'll only get that reference if you love the Pitch Perfect movies as much as I do.
18. St Elmo's Fire, Man in Motion, John Parr.  Obviously, I was now onto the '80s. Brat Pack vibe and my favourite of all of the Brat Pack movies, St Elmo's Fire, I don't know how many times I have watched this movie but I will love it until the day I die!
19. New York State of Mind, Barbra Streisand.  I was really conflicted about this one as iconically Billy Joel wrote it and he'd already had a mention.  Barbra, my ultimate diva, well I couldn't decide on which song from her amazing back catalogue I wanted to include but if I had not added any Streisand to my essential playlist then it would not have been my playlist.  I discovered Barbra in my early 20's and fell in love, she's one of the most celebrated female musical icons of our time.
20. Black Eyed Boy, Texas.  I'm going to say a word which might instil in you a deep fear or loathing or both but for many years, this was my favourite Karaoke song.  In my mid-twenties when I would go out partying we'd go to the club, we'd dance around with our arms in the air and then quite often we'd end up back at my house which was pretty much at hovel at that time and we'd put on the tunes and do some karaoke, they were some of the best times of my life and I regret nothing.
21. Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve.  Did you know that the piece of classical music at the start of this isn't really classical music?  It's just written in the style of a great symphony but oh those strings and that orchestra make my heart sing.
22. Love of My Life - Queen.  The song that Freddie wrote for his muse and lover Mary Austin, it's simply a beautiful song and I will fight anyone who disagrees with me.
23. We are Family, Sister Sledge.  I play this at every party I have, I love it as a piece of uplifting disco and I honestly believe the people I have in my life now, they're my very real and wonderful family.
24. This Woman's Work, Kate Bush.  If you have ever seen the video for this or if you have seen it in She's Having a Baby, the 80's Kevin Bacon movie, you will probably have shed a tear, anyone who's a mum will understand this song.  It's haunting, it's so quiet and yet powerful.
25. Labour of Love, Hue and Cry, some of my favourite Scottish songsters, my love for their music began in the 80's and this song, part song and part major political message, well by the end you're left in no doubt where the political affiliations of the Kane brothers.
26. Fergus sings the Blues, Deacon Blue.  My youth in the '80s was accompanied by Deacon Blue and though the popular choice might be to go for Dignity, I remember playing this over and over on the jukebox in the village pub in my latter teenage years and still listen to it today with a spring in my step.
27. Say a Little Prayer, Aretha Franklin.  I don't even have to give an explanation, it's Aretha, I love northern soul and this is one of the most iconic songs of all time ever!
28. This could be (an everlasting love) Natalie Cole.  Not only does this feature in my favourite Christmas movie, The Holiday, it's also so happy and upbeat, but it's also a song that is filled with hope and we all need a little hope in our lives.
29. Come What May, Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor.  My favourite movie musical of all time, the third of Baz Luhrmann's red curtain trilogy and the only original song to feature in the jukebox musical, it was written originally to go into Romeo and Juliet and it just didn't fit and so when he went on to Moulin Rouge and needed the "lovers secret song" this was it and honestly, any man who can sing to me like Ewan Mcgregor, I'll fall in love with in about 3 seconds.
30. A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton.  This song is probably one of the most listened to songs since it was first released in 2002 and I have listened to this at least once a month since then, if this song doesn't make you feel a little something with its upbeat twinkly piano medley then you might just have to check you're actually alive.

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Why I'll never give up, no matter what life throws at me

This week has not been the best week with regards to my health, if ageing is the cause then I'd quite like a refund, please!  After several more conversations with doctors, my lovely longterm doctor thinks it's probably I have Fibromyalgia, basically, it's a pain syndrome, yes, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "oh that does not sound fun" and you would be right.  It's actually quite possible that I've had it for quite some time as I've had all of the symptoms but they've always been looked at in exclusion rather than as a whole and it's only now because of me going through agony with my neck, head and arms that we finally seem to be coming to the same agreement.  it's a genetic thing and my mother has it and I'll be honest, I think there's a good chance (or actually not good at all) that Iain and Abigail have it as they already have symptoms.

My next step is to see a specialist physiotherapist who'll test my pain points and then depending on the outcome they'll refer me to a rheumatologist and possibly the pain clinic because currently, the neck pain is off the scale and I can't currently find the £600 it would take to make it better with Chiropractic or massage which is what I've done in the past. I'm also thinking of visiting Auris Ear Care.

The point of this blog post isn't to whine or complain though, I mean, I rock a disorder and I'm amazing at syndromes, yes it's another hurdle to get over but you know what?  No one has ever died from Fibromyalgia or Bi-polar or indeed Reynauds (that's all my disorders and syndromes right there, although I think Reynauds may well be a phenomenon).

Yesterday I went to my very first TEDX at Newcastle College, the theme was life finds a way and pretty much it was about health, life, death and mental health, it was one of the most inspiring events I have ever been to and it's only reinforced my ambition to one day give a TED talk.

Death, cancer, mental illness and suicidal ideations, all things which are the end of some and you know what, that is to be completely forgiven.  I have had times in my life where I could have crawled into a corner and never come out or where I thought those dark thoughts and nearly ended everything but in every case, just as in mine, the decision to fight onward, to choose life and to accept the things you can't change, it's those things which were paramount in all of the speakers lives just as in mine.

You see, if you fight against something you can't change, you are just using energy pointlessly, it's the fighting for the things you can change and moving onwards despite the situations, finding some kind of inner strength that you're not sure where it came from, those are the things which inspire other people.  Not only that, those are the things that define you as a person for the rest of your life.

So here I am, some days, the pain is so bad, even the good drugs won't take it away, the searing, burning pain at the base of my neck and feeling like my shoulders are like a giant breeze block because everything is in spasm.  the migraines I wake up with every day, the tingling and pins and needles in my hands, the pains in the centre of my hands which made me question if I was about to experience stigmata...  but am I about to give up?  Hell no, I've come too far for that.  I do have 2 companies to run and I've had to make a few adjustments to my work calendar just until it settles down again, the good thing about flare-ups is that they are exactly that and so I should be back to tip-top form soon enough.

Yes, it's tough that I can only work 1 day at weekends currently but if I look for the positive in that, it's actually pretty lush doing photography one day at weekends and then on a Wednesday because I am absolutely loving what I'm doing, I have the best work-life balance I've ever had and every week I can't wait to get out there again with my camera.

It's funny how things happen I think, I did not know that when I started my garden that I would end up with a haven where I might not be able to do lots of heavy stuff but I can enjoy it, it's reached that point where it's lovely just to sit in and listen to the trickling water fountain and watch the birds as they come and grab some food from our all you can eat bird buffet.

There are so many things to enjoy in life, so many things to be positive about that I refuse to let another disorder, a syndrome or pain destroy the happiness I've worked so hard to find within myself.

A Decade in review 2010 - 2020

2020 is just around the corner, the roaring twenties some are calling it, it seems like the blink of an eye since I stood on the Redhugh Bridge with my friends Darren and Neil or as we called him that Christmas (Neilenium).  As the clock struck midnight we wondered what was around the corner, the Y2K bug never actually happened and technologically I think there've been more advancements in the last 20 years than ever before.

In 2010 (and thanks to my blog for being the diary of the last 15 or so years) I'd been in business for 3 years, I was settling in and loving what I was doing, my portraiture didn't really take off until around the end of 2011, just after Facebook introduced advertising, I was an early adopter and I'll always remember Christmas 2011 as the time when I accidentally made £30k in 3 months, I wish I could do that now but when I say FB ads have gotten more expensive, you wouldn't believe just how much more expensive, I've spent over £20k with FB ads in the last decade, if I hadn't, my business would have died long ago.

In April 2010, I'd just renewed my wedding vows, this last decade saw me wake up to the narcissistic abuse and coercive control and finally in 2015 I found my freedom, for the last 5 years I've had freedom from over 40 years of narcissism and although it's cost me highly I wouldn't change it for the world.  No one ever gets angry with me, no one ever tells me what to do or that I can't do something and I'm not even sure I'd take another chance on love, or it would have to be a very special person.  I've still never experienced someone having unconditional love for me and I'm not sure I ever will but at least I know I gave it and tried with all of my heart, to narcissists though, you'll never be good enough, that's one lesson I've learnt.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff because if there's been one amazing thing that's happened in the last decade it's that I've embraced my love for travel, I've still never done long haul but I've loved Europe with all of my heart. I even got paid to go on a cruise and be treated like a rockstar thanks to blogging and I shan't be forgetting that in a hurry!  Spain is my favourite country and Barcelona remains my favourite city.  Until you have seen the sunset over Tibidabo you have never really lived.  

In 2010 Looby was just 7 years old and now look at her, she's blossomed into one of the most amazing people on the planet, she's the product of unconditional love and no arguments, yes I annoy her by breathing sometimes but that is the teenage way!  I've never said no to Looby, I've never really needed to, she's such a beautiful individual girl who knows her own mission and has a heart of solid gold, her finest moment this year was to "come out of the cupboard" as she called it after she baked me a cake which said "I'm Gay" now we have to have cake every year on the same day and I'm totally on board with that!

Iain in 2010 was 14 years old, that alone makes me feel old, they continue to be an upstanding person in life too, they've been on their own personal journey with the realisation that they are non-binary, it's been the subject of many conversations and I'm still learning every day about the differences between gendered and non-gendered people, it's been a lot to get my head around but as I told them, as long as they're happy, that's my only wish.  It's something I need to write a complete article about, I just haven't had the time as we've hurtled towards the end of the year but they want me to do it, they freely give me permission so that in the end it will help anyone else (or their parents) who are going through the same thing.  I will say this for now, when we are born, we are formed from chromosomes which give us our assigned sex at birth, but that's far from how we can feel inside ourselves, gender is like a piece of string, we're all a little bit male or female or both or neither, non-binary is most opposite to genderqueer, Iain wishes their pronouns to be they and them and I respect that whole-heartedly.

Whilst we are on the subject of life-changing, 6 years ago, 4 little paws wandered into my kitchen, I fell in love immediately and Holly Bobbins has been my four-pawed best friend ever since, I've also rescued, or adopted several cats in that time, some who are no longer with us, a sad part of pet ownership but which teaches us just how precious life really is.

Speaking of friends, 10 years ago I hadn't met Harriet, I can't remember when that happened but we instantly connected and she's been my best friend and soul sister ever since, when I say we've had some adventures together, we really have, there've been holidays, tequila, dancing until dawn, laughter, crying, love and support and it's something I'll never stop being thankful for, I'm not someone who has a lot of friends (it's hard when you're a socially awkward hermit) but the friendships I do have, I cherish, Stacey, Rachel, Steph, all amazing female friends I've met in the last decade and I should also mention Ron and Steve who I've been friends with for over 20 years now and still see often, scary how time so quickly passes.

I could write more about this decade we're just about to step outside of but we'd be here all year, a decade is a long time to put in one blog post and I guess there are some parts I just don't want to talk about or even think about.  I'd say it's been a wild ride but actually, it's been pretty gentle, well I am now in my mid-forties after all and the wild party days of my twenties are long over, would I do it again if I had the choice?  Erm, no, I like going to bed at a reasonable time and my hips aren't what they used to be.

So 2020, I am ready for you, you're going to be my year, I don't know why, I cannot tell what's going to happen in the future but I am ready for you so come and get me!

I have something to say, after all of these years...

You know when you just get into your groove and then life throws something else up in your path and disturbs it?  Yeah, well, that happened.

It's okay though, as much as I loved my new off the cuff writing style, the numbers would suggest that not many other people did so I'm reverting to weekly updates and long rambling sentences (lucky you!).

It seems so long since the carefree days of my holidays, I currently feel like I've shot 100 weddings this year, I haven't but I have shot a lot and I've loved every moment. the editing pile though, uy!

You know I said that I'd stopped swearing and instead replaced it with the word "Uy" well, I now say that approximately 784 times a day and even more if I'm tuned into Sky News.  I'm grateful for my continued success in business.  Both companies are currently thriving, Inspire is only in its second year so it provides more challenges than photography which just continues to be a constant that I am supremely grateful for.

I decided that I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life but at the same time I'm super picky, I installed dating apps and yet, I think I only did it to feel more normal, because window shopping is good in the quiet moments of the night.  I decided that I would truly be myself and so, choosing Pansexual from the list, I was emboldened, even though I've never declared myself to be anything really.

Oh and for those who wonder, what's Pansexual, the Wikipedia definition is - 

"Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others"

The truth is though, just between us, if you ask my friends, I've always been someone who thinks that attraction is based on the person rather than the gender and I've always been someone who's refused to give myself a title, there's  a "love without labels" movement for instance and I've always been a bit of a wild bohemian, though, let's be honest, I'm 45, I'm still a bohemian but my wild days are over.

So there you go, I just sort of came out (in public, on my blog, at least) I guess but that's what you do in your forties isn't it, you figure out exactly who you are, you redefine yourself because after so many years of being defined as mum, your kids are independent and you have to rediscover the whole of you.

I should point out at this point that generally I'm hoping that one day I'll meet someone in real life because it's easier to meet someone on a pub than it is online, I mean, after all, I am a bloody good photographer, I actually look nothing like my dating profile in real life.  At least if you meet someone at the pub then visually at least, what you see is what you get!  Will I ever meet someone?  Who knows, I favour Scottish men and men who have beards and are thin, it's no wonder my top 3 list is Ewan Mcgregor, Richard Madden and David Tennant.  For sure I have a favourite type, I can compromise on the beard and on the Scottishness but hair is super important.  I'm, also not willing to compromise on one other fact...

If you've never seen Moulin Rouge or you hated it, we're never going to have anything in common because to me, Moulin Rouge is more than a movie, I have a clip of it saved on my phone to watch whenever I'm feeling sad or distressed or confused, it always makes me feel better and I guess it has something to do with it being about the bohemian ideals of beauty, truth, freedom and love.  As long as they can put up with the fact that I watch it at least twice a month and that "Come What May" is an anthem for life, well we'll be just fine.  I remember watching it for the first time with my then-husband in 2002 and falling in love with it because we had both found what we were, although I always say, if you think I was a bohemian, he was the real wild one, that's why we fell in love in 1999 because we were the same, at least for a while.

So there you go, my life as it is, it has so much more freedom, something I've fought so hard for and something which has cost me more than you can ever understand.  To have this freedom, I've had to lose things I've loved with all of my heart but I'm happy now, whether that's on my own and accompanied by a beagle or out, at the local with my best friends and friends I've yet to meet.

Being free is future-facing, being free is me, now, and forever

Why I'm going on holiday on my own...

I guess today is the end of the year for me, well, the end of the summer term.  Tomorrow I leave for Tenerife, a week, on my own, I'm hoping to find out who I am again.  I'd wanted a holiday for ages, I'd have loved to have taken Looby but she refused on the grounds of wanting to be with the horses more than her old mum (in the nicest way, obviously).  I'd never push any of my children to do anything they don't want to do and she'll be fine, she'll be great!  Initially, she was going to stay at her dad's until he told her I would have to pay him £300 which she acknowledged was not okay so she's going to stay with Harriet and Holly Bobbins instead.  Thank God for a best friend who's been like a second mum (or dad, they do call her Bruce thanks to an old inside joke) to all of my kids.

It's hard when your children get older and more independent, when you have focused your entire existence around them and suddenly they don't need you anymore, it's a tough break.  It's my own fault, of course, I intentionally bred independent, forthright, confident feminists for daughters (and a feminist son too).  It's only right that they should be out there, with their own jobs, with their futures ahead of them being the bright shiny things that they are.  I haven't heard from Abigail in months but I'm sure she's still out there changing the world and one day I hope she sees through the destructive mind control, I can only hope that university gives her that distance that she needs to see the world more clearly.  Suffice to say, I still pay her phone bill every month and if she ever needs anything or anyone, I am there the second she asks.

Last week I spent most of it with a group of teens from the NCS and the Newcastle United Foundation building a community garden practically right outside my front door, it was an unloved patch of overgrown weeds and I wanted to brighten the place not just for the bees and the butterflies but also for my own community so with the help of Newcastle City Council and Your Homes Newcastle we actually made it happen.  It's just really the start as my £90, the NCS put in £50 and the council's £60 did not make for the best budget but one of the beds is nearly finished and though it looks sparse, the flowers and plants will soon grow, if not this year then next.  It's proof that you can change things in the world, even if it's only on a small scale.  last week it brought out some of the children on our estate, they helped with the planting and some of the spadework and to me, that's proof that kids need to have things to do.  No one starts out bad or committing crimes, how we nurture kids from an early age really can shape their lives.  I hope that as we go through the years they'll help with planting seeds and generally care for the gardens that we've built.

Tenerife Here I Come

In choosing to go to Tenerife, I've chosen the canaries because they're gloriously sunny, perpetually springlike and safe for solo female travellers.  It's not the first time I've been overseas alone, back in 2016 I went on a cruise for solo travellers on assignment for Cruise International magazine, it was life-changing and I really found myself.  That one was a little different because I was staying somewhere aimed at singles where you could go out to dinner as a group every night.  In Tenerife, I will be completely on my own.  The main guests at the hotel I'm staying will be mainly Spanish or German, I barely speak a word of either language and I'm not really a chatty Cathy anyway!

It's weird though, the joy of solo travel is the choice to do whatever you want, when you want without judgement from anyone, it's kind of like my life in general where I've chosen to be on my own because the thought of being with anyone is imposing someone else's judgements on me and I can't ever do that again.  I can't even dare to think of being with someone without the fear of being controlled, in that sense, I am damaged to the end and I know there are people out there who wouldn't try to control me but it's too dangerous a chance to even try and take, especially as I fall for the same kind of people over and over.

I do hope to try and find myself again though, I literally have no idea who I am or who I want to be for this next stage in my life, I guess you could say it's a midlife crisis of confidence but I'm guessing every mum who has children who fledge from the next will at some time, feel exactly the way that I do right now.

There is one thing that I know though, if you are going to take the midlife crisis holiday, there's no better place to do it than somewhere in the sunshine.

I'm a nightmare to travel with

It's Saturday morning, just after nine on the beautiful Côte d'Azur and I'm having breakfast on my own at our hotel, Abigail is still fast asleep after begging for a lie in because she's exhausted and I'm wondering just how long I'll actually have to stay still.   To me if you're not up and out pre 9am when you are travelling then you are wasting precious seconds, it's no wonder that I'm pretty much seen as a nightmare to travel with!

The thing is you see, I've always been someone who believes that you have to grab life by the neck, that you should go out there and not stop until you have extracted the very last drop of juice from that fresh orange that we call our existence.

I have a blister on the bottom of my foot, yesterday evening after climbing every possible hill for the best view in Villefranche-sur-Mer I decided that once we'd got back to Nice on the tourist bus that we should walk the length of the Promenade des Anglais back to our hotel, the promenade of course starts at number 1, we're around 450 (ish) or maybe 6 or 7k, I can't be sure but I know when we got back to our room yesterday we'd walked over 22k, not that much, you might think, well try it in 34c heat.

I'd say that it was the straw that had broken the camels back but we'd already argued before that point, Abigail likes to know what's going to happen and although I like to have a guiding schedule, it's not quite moment to moment and I do tend to wander and dander just a little too much.

This morning I promised that she could not only stay in bed but that the first half of the day would be a pool day, this is my actual idea of hell, I can manage a pool half hour but then I get a little stir crazy and want to be out exploring so that I feel I've gotten every last moment of the travel experience whilst we're here.  When you go to a destination you only have a few days, a week, if you're really lucky, a fortnight but what if you never go there again?  What if you miss the best thing you'll never see?  I don't want to be that person and yes, I can understand how this makes me the person you'd least like to travel with.  I'm sure if you asked Harriet, she'd tell you exactly how it is, that I have an inability to stay still in one place for more than 20 minutes, when we went to Barcelona I actually enjoyed our mid afternoon pool hours but that's all they were, I don't think I ever managed any longer before I wanted to be out there experiencing life and other cultures and capturing each experience so that I can not only hold it in my mind but so that I can share it with the people who read my blog or watch my vlog, oh and that's another thing, my usb and camera aren't speaking to each other which means my daily vlogs are pretty much trapped in my camera until we get home next week, it's a good thing I suppose as it forces me to not worry about working for several hours each night editing the masses of video I've captured.

Yesterday I didn't take my big camera, I thought I'd just take my small one, the pains in my back and neck had been bothering me and I thought I would get to see more if I just took along my vlogging camera and the result?  I'm disappointed with the images I did capture, to me they're not authentic or professional enough, I probably won't share them, or very few of them will make the cut and so part of my experience of Villefranche-sur-Mer will be lost forever.  You know, I waited my whole life to visit there, I'd fallen in love with the place after watching "An Affair To Remember" one too many times, when Nickie visits Grandmere Jalou at her little house at the top of the mountain of Villefranche-sur-Mer, even in the late 50's it looked like the most beautiful place in the whole of the world, and it was, it really was.  It's vast curving bay with an azure sea, we lunched on the edge of the harbour wall, our only views were the small yachts bobbing up and down with the gentle currents of the mediterranean sea, bougainvillea lined the walls of the old town, it's fragrant purple flowers smiling at us as we explored (although with me, it's more of a forthright march) and climbed to find the best vistas.  This pretty village will always remain in the corners of my mind, a place I dreamt of seeing and I finally got to fulfil my wish.

In all of the years that I have been a single parent, first with just me and Iain as we struggled together against the world and later with all 3 of my fabulous teens, through the dark and turbulent days, through the lean times, the mean times, the barely scraping enough money together to survive times, the one thing which pushed me onward is the thought that one day I would travel, I would travel as much as I possibly could and I would admire the jewels of the earth. For it's these very things that make me feel enriched and whole so I hope you'll excuse, now that I can, my inability to let each moment pass me by, I can't relax, I can't sit still, there's too much to see and next week I'll be back at my desk with only the memories of my time in the sun.  Of course I'll be planning my next chaotic full on trip to somewhere else I've never been, somewhere, no doubt I'll remain a nightmare to travel with!

Why I don't blog every day anymore

It's Sunday night, it's late (ish) and I'm yawning, yes that kind of tired, I've felt overwhelmingly exhausted since mid afternoon and I can't even put my finger on the reason why.  I now have that "I should have worked this afternoon" type of guilt but the truth is that I haven't achieved very much at all.

So I wanted to take a moment just to address the fact that I'm barely blogging once or twice a week at the moment.  Now historically if you have followed my blog over the years you'll know that summer tends to be busy, well technically spring through to midwinter but hey, busy is good!  I was just saying today how I love what I do so much, I'm driven to work, to achieve, to beat targets, I don't work because I have to, I work because I want to, I need that challenge, it's the thing which has kept me sane for the last 10 years and as long as I can find a way to make an income from photography and writing then I'll continue to.

At the moment life is pretty manic, I'm working 20 hours a day and it doesn't leave very much time to blog, plus I'm also working on my vlog and in establishing that I find it hard to do both things at the same time, I think it's probably a factor that I don't want to bore people with the same voice, even though I think, my Youtube channel is more like my immediate thoughts, I grab the camera whenever I have a moment, with blogging I guess my thoughts are more considered, this will always be the first place that I share images because I just think they work better in blogs.  

Since winning Portrait Photographer of the Year and then the next week being named as one of Lux International Magazines best wedding photographers of 2017 business has become even busier and that is such a good thing, I haven't done any major PR and you're not likely to see any from me directly as I just don't feel the need to, it's not something that's going to change me and I certainly didn't seek the validation, I'll always strive to do my very best and if anything it's just proved that I am doing exactly the right things.  I'm not planning on massively raising my prices, I charge less now than I did in 2007 and to be honest, I wasn't even 10% as good as I am now, I still plan to be 100% better and more accomplished in 10 years time though.

I would like to think that having achieved these titles may open some new doors and lead me to places I haven't been before but I guess we'll have to see what happens in that area.  With regards to travel writing and blogging I'm most definitely still on a path to achieve more with that but it's only really been a couple of years that I've been working on that aspect of my business, I know there are fantastic things I'm going to achieve so that's one of those "watch this space" items.

In truth I just don't know if I'm likely to get back to daily blogs anytime soon, do you know if I was dating I would have many more readers, I've lost around 10k readers since I decided that I was quite happy to remain on my own for the foreseeable, of course it's always there in the back of my mind that I might happen upon someone in an unexpected moment but if it does happen then that's almost certainly the way it will happen because I am not looking...at all, I mean, have you seen my schedule?  I've always maintained that long distance would be lovely, someone low maintenance who has their own life and ambitions who just wants to share the best parts of life together in short bubbles of happiness, I think it's a low expectation really when you think about it.  Full on, full time....whoah, no thanks, been there, done that!

I'm sure the people who are out there still reading my sporadic mind dumps are the only people I care about anyway because you've been with me through thick and thin and you're not just hear for the sensationalised stuff (even if it was kind of fun for a while).

So that's me, super, crazy busy, mostly chasing my tail, working for a better future not just for me but for my fabulous kids and my menagerie of animals, life is good and it's getting better all the time, not everything is about boys you know!!

Today, I am 43!

Today I am 43, yay, Happy Birthday to me!  

This means of course that whereas the meaning of life is 42, those dastardly mice in charge of the universe failed to give me any great understanding of why I'm on the earth and so as the clock struck midnight I really failed to be anything other than just 43.

During the last year, I've seen many changes in my life, I've squeezed a lot into the last 12 months, I finally dealt with the end of my marriage and moved on, I'm happy to have achieved ambivalence rather than hatred, it takes a long time to get there and whilst I'm far from healed I have at least healed enough to begin dating again without the fear that I'm just going to mess someone else up, I'd definitely recommend that 2.5 year break where I got to find myself again, well sort of find myself, some days I'm so lost even the mountain rescue with a large St Bernard dog couldn't find me.

I've certainly had some interesting dating experiences online but no one particularly piqued the interest until the man with all the smarts came along and though we don't know what's going to happen, where it will lead or if indeed it will lead anyway, my life has been changed and made better by his presence in my daily life, the man has a bit of an obsession with analogies though, that's all I'm saying!!

I've travelled a lot in the last 12 months and I find that it fulfils my soul, the need to travel and explore is deep within me and it doesn't matter if it's in this country or overseas, I find that I am happiest whilst travelling, I don't see that changing in the next 12 months, I've travelled on my own, with Holly Bobbins, with Harriet and with my kids and each experience is different and brilliant in it's own right.  I have watched sunsets over mountains and trekked with alpacas, I have stood on high and looked down upon beautiful landscapes, I have felt the warmth of the sun shining on my skin and I have seen the stars as the brightest landscape all combining together to make a heavily twinkling patchwork in the skies up above.

I've been lucky enough to make a whole host of new friends this year and mostly they've sprung into my life through my blog, there's not a day goes by when I don't get an email or a message from readers and I love that, as I've said befoe it's incredibly heartening to know that I'm not just rambling to myself but the people who truly rock my world are the people I know in real touchable 3D, the people who gather around my dinner table on Monday nights when I cook and the people who give me cuddles when I need them and who I actively get to hug and support in return, each one of them is a great presence not only in my life but in that of my children's too, my kids are so enriched because of the people who come to dinner and who spend time with their mama and I wouldn't have it any other way.  The most important of those is Harriet, my soul sister who even Abigail says is like a step mum to her, I am just so utterly grateful we have found each others friendship, I believe it was destiny that we met and now we'll always be friends.

Lastly and I couldn't end this review of 42 without mentioning my children who continue to be the most brilliant teens on the planet, there's not a day goes by when we don't grow closer together and I'm amazed by the wonderful relationships I have both with Abigail and Looby and also with Iain, I am proud of them every single day and there's rarely a day that they don't make me laugh, I would not have got through the last year without them because we are a super team together.

I can honestly say that I don't know what's going to happen this year, it's probably the biggest unknown quantity there's ever been, it's part terrifying, part exciting but one thing I know and I know this for sure, when I started the year I was overwhelmingly lonely, my darkest moments were there on the day's I spent alone but going into this next chapter I still have occasional lonely moments but who doesn't?  It doesn't matter, there's always someone there, whether that be in real life or online at the end of Skype, Twitter or simply down at my local pub where I spend a fair bit of time discussing life, the universe and everything with friends and Holly Bobbins at my side.  Whatever this new year brings, one thing I am sure of it's going to be so much better than the old one

You Think You Know Me?

Yesterday was a hard, difficult and complicated day, I'd shared my heart on the internet and I also had to read about myself through someone else's eyes for the first time ever, that is hard if you are someone like me who's brain is scrambled and self-esteem isn't the best but I always favour the truth even when I myself by my own admission like to create a much more magical existence in my own head.

I think there's something which is important to state, what you read on the internet isn't always real, I've been writing this blog now for 11 years and I get lots of emails and comments which thank me for my honesty and you know what, that's great, I never lie but I can tell you something even with the way I write, I write best when I am at my happiest or saddest and when you are in both of those states the world becomes technicolor, it's glorious in all its shades in the happiest times and in the darkest days, you get more than fifty shades of cold hard gray so when you read them you really have to read between the lines almost and I know, you as my readers, you're very good at that thing, you are intuitive and you all know, it's not so much about what is written as it is about what isn't.  I love when people email or comment or leave lovely messages for me and for the most part it's heartening that you do actually realise that there's a real woman behind the words and she has a lot of thoughts and my feelings and can be hurt as much as the next person.

I realise that my right to privacy has been encumbered by the fact that I write about my daily life, I get that and if I didn't write my blog as a diary of my life, I'm not sure what I would actually write about, I guess at least I have an interesting enough life to write about, I should be thankful for that, well mostly, it's not all fun.  Yesterday I read a couple of comments from people who don't know me, negative comments, I didn't like them, I didn't understand them and I still don't know why strangers from the internet feel they have a right to judge me or tell me what I am allowed or not allowed to do. As I sat in my kitchen with tears rolling down my cheeks in a moment of anger and frustration that I couldn't get into an argument with the negative commenters because as much as I know the truth, strangers think they do too.  I considered walking away from blogging, I considered moving to a small island and selling cupcakes to friendly Koalas (that's kind of long been a dream of mine anyway), but in the end I realised that for all of the opinion, I and my real life friends are the only people who truly know me, I have friends online who I've known for longer than I've written this blog and they know me too of course but if you have actually been near enough to touch me (steady on there!) then you're in better position to understand the way my head works because unlike my blog which has what I would say is a 12A certificate, in real life you get the whole picture.

I as a person in my general day to day life am pretty happy go lucky on the surface with a big handful of low self-esteem underneath, I spent so many years in an unrequited relationship just desperately trying to do whatever I could so that I could be loved back that it turned me into someone who is eager to please and who likes to make people happy, in the best moments I follow my own path and dance to the beat of my own drum, I'm headstrong and independent and confident and forthright, in the dark moments, I am emotional, I seek validation from others because I don't feel I deserve it enough to give it to myself, I get overwhelmingly lonely and I cry because I don't know why I'm not good enough to be loved.

I'm messed up in the head, no, let's be real, I'm fucked up, for the most part, I own it and in the dark times, it owns me.  So to the minority of the people who feel they have the right to offer opinion or snap judgement, just ask yourself, before I speak am I going to hurt someone with my opinions, do I really know what's going on if I don't know someone personally, do I really have the right to tell someone what or what not to do?  When people email me with their issues and problems asking for advice, I always answer as honestly and eruditely as I can, they ask me personally for my opinions, I never judge anyone as far as I possibly can because you can't know or understand a situation unless you have truly walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

It's ok to not be ok

It's the start of a brand new week and I've just come in from a photo shoot with a lovely lady who needed some new headshots, the sun shone brightly and I could feel the warmth of the glow on my skin.  Sunshine is like a drug to me, in the dark days of January, especially in the last couple of weeks when my mood slipped.  I have craved the feeling of the sunshine on my face so badly, it gives me hope when seeing the first snowdrops and the buds of the daffodils just poking their tiny new heads out of the ground that spring is around the corner, yes it's still a little too far away to touch but without a doubt, better, brighter, sunnier days are on the horizon.

Now that I'm coming out of the fog I've been in for a few days, I've come to a huge decision in my life, something which kept me from sleeping, you see, I think I am the same in real life as I am online but then it seems like I only interact with people if I am happy and bouncy and if I'm not I lie to myself so well that I believe that I am, I've come to understand that this might not be for the best and maybe I should just admit everywhere that I am not perfect (far from it) and that actually though I am stronger than I have been for a very long time I still have large periods of time when I am not ok, I have anxiety and paranoia, I have upswings where I don't sleep and downswings where I sleep like a cat and can't wake up and days where I stay in bed until noon just wondering what the hell I'm going to do to sort myself out.

The thing is that I feel like I'm doing myself a great injustice in always pretending to myself that I am happy, whimsical and magical, I am of course all of those things but I'm also vulnerable, raw, mixed up, and pretty much a mess but I have to allow myself to be like that, I went through a huge period in my life where I could only have positive moods, it's a form of control when someone says they can't handle certain moods or they use their own moods to control things so much that you are essentially always treading on eggshells frightened to show your real emotions.

I'm not sure what happens now but I know there are stories which may need to be retold, modified or even rewritten, it's the end of a chapter and the start of a new one, having emotions still scares the living hell out of me sometimes.  I think there's a fear in me that thinks if I say I'm not ok that it will be frowned upon or ignored because people in general love to read the happy, upbeat, magical tales that I tell and really, there are lots of those mixed in with the not so good things I usually just gloss over or deflect.

Oh and yes, I know that's annoying, that I only choose to hear what I want to hear, that's just kind of protection for my heart, as Harriet will tell you, I am incredibly bad at dealing with anything which isn't positive, negativity in any form has a dark and profound effect on me because I feel it as a direct criticism of my own psyche, I guess that's the paranoid inner brain which secretly believes at all times that I am not good enough.

You readers, you have stuck with me through everything, the good, the bad, the whimsy and the real, I hope that if I start to express who I am more than I have ever before that you will be with me on the bad days, the dark days, the not so ok days, maybe I'll help someone, maybe I'll save myself in the process.  I know that not all the roads I go down will be happy but I do know that I am made of strong ingredients, I know I have the capacity to cope with more now than I ever did in the past and by finally coming out and being honest with myself and everyone else including you, dearest readers, I hope you will stay with me for although some of the paths ahead are treacherous there's still no doubting that I have some very big adventures ahead too.

Experiencing Life in All It's Colours

Waking up this morning I breathed a big sigh of relief that no more damage had been done by the winds of yesterday, I have a little wait before the new fence is erected and I may even invite my neighbours to have some kind of winter BBQ party while we share a community garden, I made the news yesterday with a huge facepalm as I saw the story "Woman nearly trapped in her house by falling fence" Around once a year I do seem to make the news for all kinds of strange and peculiar things!  Do you remember the incident last year with Facebook, I thought I blogged about it when I was impersonated but I didn't, probably for the best, the girls banned me from ever saying abhorrent again after seeing me on the news!!

Isn't Sherlock the best drama on TV at the moment?  I watched it on Sunday on the edge of my seat and then I rewatched it with Mr F last night, I am still completely lost as a fox (I'm sure that's not a saying but I'm making it one), I did get rather distracted at the end though as I was booking a £28 train ticket to London in March, £28!!!  Can you believe that?  I paid £105 for the one at the end of January, the trains are a couple of hours different in times and I get more time there in January but really, I can afford to go more often at £28 than I can at £105!

In every facet of my life at the moment I am reconfiguring, I am looking at plans and goals and trying to work out what's essential, what stays and what goes, it's a little like a spring clean but instead of it being my house, it's my life.  Yesterday saw me halving my bipolar meds again, after speaking to my doctors I'm fairly sure that there's a chance that I can come off them completely, for anyone who doesn't know, I have bipolar type 2 and haven't had an episode since I was pregnant with Looby and she's 13 now!  I'm just at a place in my life where everything is so vastly different to what it was fifteen years ago, I have no negative influences and my days are filled with happiness, love and contentment, I'm great a practising self-care, I have no vices now apart from my penchant for tech and kitchen gadgets but I don't think that's likely to affect my mental health.

More than anything, though, I have good people around me so if I do start to waver they'll be the first to let me know and if worst comes to worst, it'll take 2 weeks to get back on the medication but I honestly don't envision that's going to happen.

In my life, on most days, apart from where I wake up in the morning with a cat or dog sitting on my face and have a moment of perturbed thought wondering what the heck it is, I'd go so far as to say that I'm bright and bouncy, I can't actually remember the last time I was in a bad mood but isn't that how life should be?  If you have a job you love, great friends and a fabulous pocket-sized bohemian geek, well then life should make you smile, shouldn't it.  Look I'm not going to make anyone responsible for my own happiness because only I can be in charge of that but we all only have one short life so it's surely better to throw heaps of positivity at it, live the life of a bohemian romantic and just get hurt, sometimes rather than being afraid of life, living in fear and never experiencing life in all it's glorious colours.

When I came out of my last marriage I could have become gnarled, bitter, twisted and I don't think anyone would have blamed me but it's just not me, I always say I'm a hopeful romantic, not a hopeless one and if I had become some kind of disillusioned hermit then I would have been shutting myself off from the wonderful happy heart I have now, life is far too short not to take chances.

How I Became Just Me, Whimsical, Happy, Me

All of my life I wanted to be accepted for who I really am, in business, in life, and in a relationship, you see, for a long time I was a bit of a star shaped peg trying to squeeze myself into a square hole, I would adapt to each situation I was in trying to be the person that the other person wanted me to be, after a while I really wasn't sure who I was anymore.  I would go so far as to say that 10 years ago I really didn't have any idea who I was.

Now let me say that constantly trying to reinvent yourself might work for Madonna but I found the whole process exhausting, I would be one thing to the couples I would meet to try and book their weddings, another to my family portraiture clients, another at home, another online... you get the picture, it was I suppose that I found I was only really myself when I was alone with my thoughts or with my kids or my oldest friends who had known me through everything, people like Darren, Steve and Ron, people who've known me for nearly 20 years, friends I am truly thankful for.

Over the last 10 years I have bent and moulded and wavered and suffered many crises of confidence, I would get to parts of my life where I thought I was me and yet my anxiety would punch holes in my chest because I was still frightened of not being accepted and then one fateful day in 2014 when everything changed, perhaps before that, perhaps it caused the fateful event but I can't put my finger on it exactly, somewhere though I started to become me, I still have the anxiety but not that you would notice on most days, I guess I'm still blagging it just a little on those days where anxiousness gets me and confidence is not my friend but we'll not tell anyone, it's just between you and me.

If you meet me today, you can guarantee one thing, I will be the same in real life as I am online, I will be exactly the same in my business as I am with my friends because who doesn't love a whimsical photographer and really, I mainly photograph small people and their families, it's totally acceptable. The wedding clients I do book or who book me embrace the whimsy because they know it will lead to something special, a completely unique interpretation of their love, their day, their story, it's only a true romantic after all who can shoot a wedding with as much love as I do.

I'm lucky now, I have friends who embrace and encourage my whimsical side, they know it's the very best of me, I laugh a lot, sometimes until I fall over, I have magical adventures both in real life and inside my own head and I gallop, twirl, wander, and skip through the days with joy.

Most of all, though, I have met a man who accepts me just as I am, I'd even go so far as to say he thinks I'm pretty brilliant, yes, me, just me, it's very enlightening, and completely and utterly magical and I, in turn, think he's amazing just as he is, he said our motto should be "Just Us" and I wanted to write this down so it becomes my history, I've never been with someone like Mr F before, someone who just accepts all of the good bits as well as the not so good bits and you know what, this is what we should all do, we all need to find people who accept us just as we are and I know this might sound harsh but if you ever feel that you can't be yourself, then maybe it's a sign that those people are not your people, your tribe, your squad or even your other half.

Go find someone who will embrace your very essence and then promise that you will celebrate that every day because as I said just yesterday, finding the joy in the every day is almost certainly the path to true happiness.

This is Me, As I am Now

The end of another week beckons and it's my last weekend at work, I get a whole weekend off next week, it might just be because it's Christmas though!  So many brilliant things are happening in my life currently, not all due to the magic of Christmas but I like to think there's an extra sparkle in my step because of it.

So, it's Thursday evening (just about) and I'm pretty tired after 3 events over the last 3 nights, I only have to remind myself that I used to hide away from the world to know just how very far I've come. Even this year I can see a definite transition as I've transformed into, well me, the real me, the me that was hiding inside, I don't want to be narcissistic and say like a butterfly from a cocoon because really, I'm over 40 and I'm far from being a butterfly, maybe I'll settle for a moth, moths are nice too, in their own way and that's me, I'm nice, in my own way.

I have spent too many years feeling not good enough, I've hated the days I feel fat and the days I've felt ugly and the times I've made an effort and had it knocked down by other people were even worse, I am healed well enough now to not completely hate myself every time I look in the mirror and that's important, it was only in September that I actually bought myself a full-length mirror for the first time, mostly I hide it behind a door but I do occasionally look! 

I saw my doctor this afternoon, I have HRT patches now instead of the pills which are surprisingly inconsistent in the hormones they deliver, I am slightly worried about them falling off my bottom in public, "Ooh, what's that you've dropped something" "Oh don't worry, it's just my HRT patch, it must have fallen off my bottom" Anyway, I digress, we talked about the fact that I'd halved my bipolar meds around 7 or 8 months ago now and she's just so happy with my progress as am I, we agreed that I'd probably always need the half dose but that also I'm better than I've ever been and that's testament to the way my life is now, I am a great advocate of self-care and having a great support network around you, I have the best friends online and in real life and I'll never stop being thankful for them.

Now I'm never going to be the biggest fan of photos,  as soon as someone points a camera at me I instantly tense up, so much so that my face is often contorted like a wicked old witch or I look like a woman who's just escaped from a secure facility, and of course there's the blinking thing, yes I am a blinker, you have to take approximately 2867 frames of me to get one where I haven't got one or both eyes shut.  I'm also just better behind the lens than in front of it but I love this photo Harriet took of me, yes it's been edited in the same way I edit all of my images, because if you are going to have photos then they should be the best photos but mostly it's me as I am now, happy, thriving, enjoying life.

Earlier in the week I saw my wonderful psychic friend Susan, she said "You look so great, you are glowing and beaming" I know she could sense the energy I have inside and yes Mr France definitely has something to do with that because I feel alive again, it reminds me of my favourite Roald Dahl quote "If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face and you will always look lovely"

So know this, right here, right now, this is me, not as I was then but as I am now, I am sometimes flaky, I have flashes of creative genius, I am extraordinary and absurd all in the same sentence, I am funny and sometimes cranky, I can get cross and then turn it into laughter in less than 30 seconds, most of all, though,  I love life and I love people and animals.  I love doing good deeds and I love making people smile, I am an idealist, I am completely left leaning and super liberal, I believe in truth, freedom, beauty and love and I truly believe that no one should ever be lonely.

I hope you'll stay around for the next chapter of my adventures because I think, and more so, I feel it in my heart that they might just be the best I've ever had.

Beauty For The Terrified With Benefit and Ellefluence

Photo taken by the amazing Katie Meehan

No sooner had I recovered from our night at The Rub then it was time to get ready again for an evening of beauty and hijinx at Debenhams with the Benefit girls, Laura from Ellefluence had yet again rocked another event by providing not only a free beauty wax for yours truly (more on that later) but also prosecco, pizza from Manny's and of course star photographer Laura Pearman was once again present to capture all the goings on, for the first time in ages I felt safe to leave my camera at home!!  Don't get me wrong, I love being a photographer but when you are the photographer you miss the immersive experience of events and as I'd volunteered to be one of the waxing models I figured I wouldn't have time to take too many photos anyway!

I've always been a Benefit fan and I'll also be the first to admit that when it comes to beauty I know virtually nothing, I have gel nails refreshed once a month and I've been getting regularly waxed brows for about the last 10 years since I discovered the wonder of a good eyebrow wax.  Ladies if like me you are late to the beauty party and you are, also like me, on the wrong side of 40, go treat yourself for a wax at Benefit, you will feel and look 10 years younger, a good eyebrow wax is like a mini facelift, honest ladies, I'm not kidding about such a serious subject, do yourself a bigger favour though and go to Benefit because those ladies are waxing experts.

Now I must admit that when I volunteered for the evening I hadn't realised it was the full waxing treatment, that's brows, top lip and chin, ouch and baby cheesus, it hurt, I can't even pretend it didn't, what we ladies have to go through just to look halfway to decent, well lets just say I'll be getting it again but I might be ready for the pain of having above your lip waxed next time, there was a hilarious video but thankfully I think it's been deleted by time, oh and if it hasn't, well let's just say I won't be sharing it and I certainly won't be including that on my dating profile!!

Another thing I hadn't tried before was a brow tint and it makes such a difference, I can truly say that I love my eyebrows now, I may have even shouted afterwards "My eyebrows are on fleek" don't worry, I shan't be saying such things out loud too often and I did rush home to watch some superheroes on TV to deflect my girly outburst.

What I did do whilst there was some shopping for Christmas, obviously since certain teens are regular readers (I'm talking to you, Amazing Abigail) I can't tell you what I bought but let's just say certain teenagers in the Charlton family might be happy bunnies when Santa pays a visit.

The thing I love the most about any Ellefluence event is the chance to meet other bloggers and at beauty events you can always guarantee that I am the oldest blogger there, you know what, though, I don't mind a bit, I'm quite happy to be the blogger mamma because all the young glamorous beauty bloggers like Katie, Alice, and Chloe, well they're all fabulous and they don't ever look at me like "what in the heck is that old lady doing here?" haha!

I may be 42.10 but I'm really just at the very start of my foray into the world of beauty and with people like Laura in my life organising the most splendid events with companies like Benefit and Urban Decay, well this girl can't go wrong now, can she?  It's never too late to start making the best of what you have got so you might as well get out there and do it now lovely ladies.