Last year, I wrote this article about why I don't like Christmas anymore, what quickly transpired was that whilst Christmas Day makes me depressed, I do still love pre-Christmas, the build-up. in the weeks before.  I've since asked questions to people, I've listened to answers and it seems I'm not alone.

Most people don't actually think very much of Christmas Day, we're either spending it with difficult family members we can't wait to get away from or we're on our own and maybe lonely with no one to celebrate with.  For several very good reasons, Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year for many, including me, the self-declared queen of all things Christmas.  Let's just take a moment to think about that though, not the queen of Christmas Day, the queen of all things Christmas.

I love pre-Christmas, once Looby has had her birthday on the 25th September I can think of nothing else, I read all the magazines, I write lists, I shop, I Pinterest, every single detail is meticulously planned.  I guess it's that which I find most magical of all.  For instance, I throw a Christmas party every year and that's probably the most exciting event of my year, it's always a riot and now one leaves without being well-fed, and usually a little tipsy.  In all probability, I think it's that experience which I crave as the best Christmas Day ever.

Maybe I peak too soon, by the time we get to Christmas Day I've watched 100's of Hallmark Christmas movies,  I've watched every single Christmas TV special I can get my hands on and then you get to Christmas Day and you don't want to watch anymore trimming the tree or snowfall at midnight on Christmas Day, all you have left is a pile of sprouts and nothing to look forward to other than a long hard winter and your annual tax return.

I have an idea though, why don't we just enjoy all of the Christmas build-up for as long as we possibly can, as a friend of mine said in a video the other day "Anyone who's seriously triggered by someone putting a Christmas tree up early needs to take a long, hard look at themselves".

My suggestion for this year is to go to all of the festive markets you can, go and hug as many Santa's as you can irrespective of how old you are.  Dance with elves, go down the festive helter-skelter.  Drink egg nog or mulled wine, make the biggest and best hot chocolates you can, toast marshmallows, squirt canned cream into your mouth.  If it snows make snowmen, have snowball fights, go sledging.  Imagine you are the real-life personification of Buddy the Elf.

My theory here is that by the time it actually get's to Christmas Day that you will be so worn out with all of the Christmas activity that you will be able to sleep the day away or you just won't care anymore and will happily sit on your own with a selection box in front of the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special.  Here's hoping anyway!

10 Things I've learnt after 45 years on the earth

In just a couple of weeks I'll reach the great age of 45 years old, I'm part grateful and part stunned that I've actually made it through life so far.  I actually attach some disbelief to the age tag because since I was around 16 I've always imagined myself as 35.  I'm not sure if anyone else does this but I feel like I've always been in my mid thirties and the thought of reaching the next age category on many surveys, well it's a little daunting.  I'll be officially slipping over the boundary and sliding into the great age of 50 and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that.

Over the years though you learn a thing or two and once you're over 40, people tend to actually listen to you because maybe you've picked up a gem or two.  Just lately though (and maybe this is the gift of 45) I feel like I've learned more about myself than ever before.  Rather than ramble too much though here's just 10 things I've learnt in my first 45 years on the earth.

1. To a narcissist you will never be good enough and it doesn't matter what ever you do to try and attain that persons love, even if at times they build you up so highly you think you can't be loved any more, in those times, the higher they build you, the farther you have to fall when you do something they disagree with.  Just know that you are truly good enough at all times and turn your attention to others who see and appreciate your true value.

2.  Learning to love yourself is the most important thing you'll ever do, it's also the hardest, especially if you have spent years being knocked down by others but as the great Ru Paul tells us "If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you going to love anyone else?"

3.  Even the most neglected things can be resurrected with just a little bit of love and nurture, we all have times when we're so busy we forget about the little important things, like watering the houseplants but worry not, they'll still be there and will thank you for the extra attention by blooming back into life.

4.  You should always be happy working in your own business, yes there will be troubling times and challenges to conquer but if you're not happy in your own business then something is seriously wrong, after all, many people are unhappy working for others so they start their own businesses, why would you ever do things in that, that you don't want to do.

5.  In life and work you cannot do everything, outsource, outsource, outsource!

6.  You cannot change anyone else but by changing yourself you can bring about changes in others as they bend and mould to your changes.

7.  It is better to be happy and single with a dog than sad in a relationship.

8.  It is not the number of friends you have but the quality of the friendships which counts.

9.  Never give up on your dreams because you may just find them in the most unexpected places.

10. Don't ever beat yourself up for past mistakes, to err is human but every new day is a gift where we can start again trying to always be the best version of ourselves.

I'm sure in the next 45 years (hopefully, the females in my family seem to live for a very long time) I'll discover much more wisdom and many more truths about myself and others, I'm certainly not as scared of becoming 45 on February the first as I was to become 40 and actually I know why that is now, my life fell apart with my marriage when I was 40, well going into 45, I'm happy, I'm single, I have Holly Bobbins, my awesome teenagers and my brilliant and wonderful friends surrounding me.  I mean, how bad can that be, eh? 

It's ok to not be ok

It's the start of a brand new week and I've just come in from a photo shoot with a lovely lady who needed some new headshots, the sun shone brightly and I could feel the warmth of the glow on my skin.  Sunshine is like a drug to me, in the dark days of January, especially in the last couple of weeks when my mood slipped.  I have craved the feeling of the sunshine on my face so badly, it gives me hope when seeing the first snowdrops and the buds of the daffodils just poking their tiny new heads out of the ground that spring is around the corner, yes it's still a little too far away to touch but without a doubt, better, brighter, sunnier days are on the horizon.

Now that I'm coming out of the fog I've been in for a few days, I've come to a huge decision in my life, something which kept me from sleeping, you see, I think I am the same in real life as I am online but then it seems like I only interact with people if I am happy and bouncy and if I'm not I lie to myself so well that I believe that I am, I've come to understand that this might not be for the best and maybe I should just admit everywhere that I am not perfect (far from it) and that actually though I am stronger than I have been for a very long time I still have large periods of time when I am not ok, I have anxiety and paranoia, I have upswings where I don't sleep and downswings where I sleep like a cat and can't wake up and days where I stay in bed until noon just wondering what the hell I'm going to do to sort myself out.

The thing is that I feel like I'm doing myself a great injustice in always pretending to myself that I am happy, whimsical and magical, I am of course all of those things but I'm also vulnerable, raw, mixed up, and pretty much a mess but I have to allow myself to be like that, I went through a huge period in my life where I could only have positive moods, it's a form of control when someone says they can't handle certain moods or they use their own moods to control things so much that you are essentially always treading on eggshells frightened to show your real emotions.

I'm not sure what happens now but I know there are stories which may need to be retold, modified or even rewritten, it's the end of a chapter and the start of a new one, having emotions still scares the living hell out of me sometimes.  I think there's a fear in me that thinks if I say I'm not ok that it will be frowned upon or ignored because people in general love to read the happy, upbeat, magical tales that I tell and really, there are lots of those mixed in with the not so good things I usually just gloss over or deflect.

Oh and yes, I know that's annoying, that I only choose to hear what I want to hear, that's just kind of protection for my heart, as Harriet will tell you, I am incredibly bad at dealing with anything which isn't positive, negativity in any form has a dark and profound effect on me because I feel it as a direct criticism of my own psyche, I guess that's the paranoid inner brain which secretly believes at all times that I am not good enough.

You readers, you have stuck with me through everything, the good, the bad, the whimsy and the real, I hope that if I start to express who I am more than I have ever before that you will be with me on the bad days, the dark days, the not so ok days, maybe I'll help someone, maybe I'll save myself in the process.  I know that not all the roads I go down will be happy but I do know that I am made of strong ingredients, I know I have the capacity to cope with more now than I ever did in the past and by finally coming out and being honest with myself and everyone else including you, dearest readers, I hope you will stay with me for although some of the paths ahead are treacherous there's still no doubting that I have some very big adventures ahead too.

Why Pickled Onions Will Never Be Cake...

Let's face it, the darkest days of January are no fun for anyone, I know that Sweden, Denmark etc are busy embracing their Hygge but I'm not sure it's ever going to translate to Britain really, I think we the British, well, we sort of excel when things get a bit "whiny" shall we say, if people ask us how we're doing we say "oh, I'm ok" and then we quickly find things we can complain about like the weather, the light levels, the fact that it's not yet spring, things that deflect from why we're actually unhappy.

I feel right now that I need some sunshine, in 9 days I'm off to London to meet Mr F and currently I am as pale as a cucumber and my hips have about an extra stone of sponge cake on them, my quest to lose a stone in the first few weeks of January failed in style, don't get me wrong either, this week, as advised by the bouncy slimming world lady I swapped cake for pickled onions (yes, she really did suggest that) did it work?  Well erm, no, actually I put 3lb on when I weighed in last night, I am currently a rotund barrel of pickled onions, I hope Mr F likes a barrel-shaped jar of pickles in lady form.

I'm going, to be honest, actually meeting Mr F in the flesh (gosh that sounds ruder than it's meant) is currently feeling 52% exciting and 48% full on terrifying, I mean up until now, we've only really seen the top half of each other on Skype, what if he actually thinks me a fat buttered baked potato?  I realise it's not massively likely because I think he likes me for me, for my brains and wit (ha, it's bad to say this out loud isn't it, I'm not being arrogant I promise), well you have to hope so because if he's expecting Miss World to turn up and it's me, well that's not going to work is it?

Okay, so I've been on first dates before and I've mostly just winged it, none have been too disastrous but then it's probably because I didn't care whether they worked or not, this is different because whilst it's technically a first date, we have been Skype dating for 3 months, please tell me it's not all going to fall apart because my body is akin to that of a giant white jelly baby!

I think I picked the wrong week to rejoin Slimming World, withdrawing from medication plus a new healthy eating regime was always going to be a bit of a fail but hopefully getting back on the meds plus regaining my happy outlook and I should be able to say no to chocolate and yes to spinach once again, I love spinach, no, really, I do.  One thing we must note, though, Pickled Onions will never be cake and it doesn't matter how many ways you try to introduce that subject or theory (who's theory, I'm not entirely sure, clearly they're deluded) it's just not true, I get none of the pleasure from a pickled onion that I do from cake or chocolate and if I ever hear this untruth at any time in the future I shall be tempted to throw a jar of said pickles at the proclaimers head (not at the Proclaimers, they're lovely bespectacled geeky singers with guitars, I'm sure they wouldn't say such things).  We do know though and there's no doubt about this, my funny, my humour, my whimsical synapses, they're definitely returning and that's something to be celebrated and you know the best way to celebrate...

Slice of Victoria sponge anyone?

Today I'm Grateful...

I awoke with a start this morning, a knock on the door, only when I ran down to answer it in my half sleep, half awake state there was no one there, once again my dreams predicted a delivery that wasn't quite ready in the real world.

I haven't blogged for a few days, I've had a blogging rest and then there's also the fact that I'm very much sitting here typing somewhat encumbered by the dressings on my left hand, I had a bit of a disagreement with a Jamón knife yesterday leading to 2 hours in the walk-in centre, and a bit of a blue peter repair of sticking me back together, I have to go back again tomorrow for clean dressings and my usually Flash like fingers are typing at a much slower, more fat-fingered pace than usual. 

Whilst I looked on enviously when everyone finished work and school earlier than us, I'm now smiling smugly that the girls aren't back to school until Monday and so I'm actually going to get to spend some time with my gorgeous daughters this week, the very festive and social Miss Charlton's have been so busy that I've seen them less than when they are at school, we shall be binge watching Harry Potter today to make up for it.

Yesterday, though, I was grateful for Looby and the first aid skills I didn't even know she possessed, after trying plasters which just laughed at my bloody lacerations she fashioned some dressings from our now much depleted first aid kit and waved me off to the walk-in centre, I'm also grateful that the battery on the iPhone7 Plus is stupendous, I never have to worry about running out of charge during the day now, I used it solidly to pass the time whilst I waited to be stuck back together.  One other joyful thing I'm super grateful for is Mr France and his hilarious silly humour getting me through the two-hour wait with much laughter, medical centres are lonely miserable places to sit and wait in, especially on bank holidays when everyone seems to be ill or having accidents, I felt dreadful for wasting time but the nurse was so lovely and confirmed that it wasn't something I could have dealt with at home, on my own, without glue and strips and dressings so another thing I am definitely grateful is the fact that in our country we still have the NHS and walk-in centres a short walk away on busy bank holiday afternoons.

I've practised gratitude for several years now, of course, I always fall off a little during the dark grumpy days when I selfishly hide away not remembering how much more splendid my life is than the less unfortunate, we all do it from time to time and there's nothing wrong with that, it's the human condition after all, "Why God, Why Me?" we lament, often holding our fists to the heavens but it's at those moments when we need to take a moment to breathe and count our blessings, I am so lucky in my life right now, I have the best friends, amazing teenagers, wonderful pets, a great job and of course Mr F who expects nothing of me other than to be just me and I in turn only ever expect him to be just him as he is.

So today, in the dark January day when you are going back to work and the traffic is bad, your lunch is horrible or your boss is mean and grumpy, just take a moment to think about all of the good things in your life right now, see if you can make yourself smile because if you can smile then you're on the path to being happy, really happy and extremely content.

Looking For Answers...

This week, this long week which has been like a roller coaster for my life, my emotions, and my heart, this week is finally over and I'm so thankful for my Monday/Tuesday weekend that I give myself every week.

In this past week I have looked to a Numerologist and  Reiki healer to try to help my spiritual, emotional funk, the energies are there but they just seem to be in the wrong places, for just a moment, a short blink, life was perfect, a glimpse of the future perhaps?  I want you to know that I have never regretted any action I have ever taken, I may have made some wrong decisions along the way because I always listen to my heart in everything I do but I've always believed that in every mistake we do make there's a chance to learn something new.

I cannot be anyone other than the woman I am but I am constantly changing, learning and evolving, healing and growing stronger.   Since the day I halved my bipolar medication I have become happier, I have become more emotional but even under stress, I have been able to cope.  Yes it's hard to have emotions and understand them after being without them for over 10 years but I love feeling real emotions, last night, for instance, I watched the first season of Miranda, now I always thought it was funny but last night I laughed out loud for all 6 episodes, really hearty laughs which make you feel happy, you can't understand just how amazing that is when you haven't felt that for so very long.

There have been rough times, as my medication levels rebalanced themselves and I was reintroduced to the emotional pain and grief I'd never fully dealt with, and for a time I reconsidered going back to a higher dosage but this too has passed and now I feel more emotionally capable of dealing with everything that happens in my life from this point on.

Work of late has been the busiest I can ever remember and after floundering a little and losing my focus, I am on a mission to not only regain it but to push myself forward to the next level, whatever that may be.  I have felt for a while like I'm on the cusp of the next stage of my life like there's something waiting for me just out of reach, just around a corner I can't yet visualise, I think for a while now I felt like this because in life we have to take the rough with the smooth, we all experience times of great turbulence interspersed with calmer happier times.  I know with all of my heart the things I want and need in my life.  I want to live, I want to love and I want to travel, give me just a handful of all of those things and I'll be happy, I don't want to be the richest or the most successful, I don't want to own an empire, I just want to love and be loved and I want to go on great adventures to far off places, I want to learn and understand more about life and love, I want to dance in the rain, I want to sing out loud, I want to show my children that you can have it all, that it's possible if you work hard enough, wish long enough, love hard enough.

At the end of the day, I'm still young and more than anything, I just want to find my happy, my content, my stable, I just want to find the whole complete me.

5 things you can do today to make someone smile!

I don't know about you but for me there's nothing I love more than making someones day with a small gesture or good deed, I try to do good deeds every day as my active practice of just being a better person, I've always felt collecting good karma points comes in handy at times when you're having a rough time and the more good you do in the world the more the world will smile back.  The thing is though that if someone is having a rough time even the simplest act can cheer them right up and it really is as simple as holding a door for someone or offering your seat to a weary passenger who's overloaded with bags no matter what age they are.

With that in mind and the fact that the weather in the north east of England is currently hideous as I'm sure it is in other parts I thought I would end the week with a little list, something to go out there and practice, here's 5 things you can do today to make someone smile.

1. Smile, this is the simplest act but you wouldn't believe what smiling at someone can do, it has the power to bring about the most profound changes, warmly smiling at someone who's had a rough day makes them smile and we all know that if you smile (even at yourself in the mirror) you'll instantly feel better, smiling is free too, told you it was simple!

2.  The act of sending flowers can make the most rubbish day seem better, my friends at Prestige flowers, clients I've worked with in the past sent me these beautiful roses last Friday and a week later they are still in full bloom smiling at me every time I walk past them in my hall, flowers are the perfect tonic to a dark day and though we expect that everyone has been sent flowers at some point in their lives it might not be the case, earlier this year I sent Harriet some flowers from Looby and I and would you believe it was only the second time in her life someone had sent flowers, now I may not receive flowers very often but I'm lucky that I have lovely clients who send them or I'll sometimes send them to myself, they're the perfect gift for birthdays and of course at Christmas, gifting flowers can be the ultimate lift to a dark winters day.

3.  Hugs, hugs should be given out freely to whoever needs them and they should always be freely available in my opinion, I am a stealth professional hugger and I have friends who also like to hug and I hug my daughters as often as possible, now I'm not suggesting you should run up to strangers and offer them hugs but I'm sure the next passing friend you see would appreciate one and you end up getting a warm hug back, it's like a free gift!

4.  Send someone a handwritten letter, when was the last time you received a letter or a card or a postcard even that was full of feeling and penned in your own handwriting?  In a world of junk mail and card companies who do it all for you, why not pop to a shop today and pick up  card to send in your own handwriting, I guarantee it will make someones day.

5.  Bake a cake, baking is my ultimate way to relax, it's the one time I can shut down my computer and put down my phone, when you bake a cake the whole world ceases to exist just for a while and if you can make a cake which you can then gift to someone, well that's calorie free baking right there and in my experience no one ever refuses cake!

Now I'm not going to claim any cosmic responsibility for this but as i'm sitting here typing away I've noticed that the rain has finally stopped, maybe I made the weather feel better, just the act of putting happy things out there can often make happy things come back towards you, I don't deny that sometimes life can feel like an uphill struggle but the smallest acts can help and maybe if someone had helped Sisyphus with that boulder at the top of the hill maybe it wouldn't have rolled all the way down again, just saying...

One Year On, Just Being Me!

It's funny I think how we fixate on dates and anniversaries, I'm pretty sure it's a female thing, 1st February, my birthday, 14th April 2000, date I got married, 4th September 2014, the date my husband walked out on me...

I remember writing at the time that I wish I was a year on, or even 6 months because I knew that I would be better, that life would improve, that my heart wouldn't feel quite so broken.  So now I sit here just approaching the first anniversary of that momentous day and truly I do feel better.  Don't get me wrong, there's still an ache in my heart which may always be there, it creeps up on me every now and then and suddenly I'll feel catastrophically sad, I still ask myself the same unanswered questions, where did it all go wrong?  What did I do wrong? Could I possibly have saved it?

For the most part though, I am happy and bouncy and quite possibly even more whimsical than I ever was because it's quite possibly the first time in my life I've actually enjoyed being me on my own, making my own company, having conversations with my dog, she doesn't always answer but I'm sure she knows exactly what i'm thinking.

So much has changed in the last year, I rescued myself and I not only rescued my business but completely turned it around, I blogged my way not only back to happiness but also to success, I sit here today with excitement in my stomach that in just a few weeks I depart for my first international travel writing/photography assignment, the anticipation to see Rome and Barcelona in November is the thing that I'm holding on to whilst my girls are in Majorca with dad at the moment.  I hope it's the first of many assignments which will help me tick some treasured places I've dreamed of photographing, it's quite a long list but I get stupidly excited when I go on airplanes, just taking off makes me feel giddy, you know that bit where your head is pushed back into the seat as the acceleration and G force kicks in, it's a simple pleasure I suppose but it's connected to adventure and you all know how I love an adventure.

Whilst I can't say that this has been the best year of my life, I can say that in retrospect it's been a lot better than I ever imagined it would be, I want to give hope to you if you're sitting there reading this in the place I was this time last year, just keep holding on, those first few weeks and months seem like an eternity, one day though, you'll wake up and smile and feel happy again, it takes time, it only really happened to me one day during early summer, I felt happier than I had felt for years, I guess it was the day I knew I had become me again, the new me, the me I quite like, I'm a stone lighter than I was this time last year, there's an eternal battle between me vs the cake but a certain beagle ensures I get enough exercise to beat it, well just about...

I have great friends who've helped me get to the place I am now, they've laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me when I needed it and said nice things when I couldn't even bear to think them of myself.

This next year, well I'm just putting this out there but for me it's going to be the best year ever, I intend to travel and work (possibly combining the two) and I'm going to make sure I have the happiest children (and dog) on the planet, I want to spend time feeling the warmth of sunshine on my face and I want to have the glow of happiness in my heart.  You never really know what's around the next corner but if you set out to believe that there's happiness and adventure then I think maybe you're giving yourself a head start so lets all just do it, lets all just say that today, tomorrow, next month, the next year will be the very best!

5 Life lessons I've learnt from my dog

I've thought for a long time how much easier life would be if we were like dogs, we go out, we sniff each other and then we're life long friends forever, sounds like a good plan to me!

Seriously though, there are some things which I've really learnt from my dog which can hopefully help me to be a better person and hopefully you too, we could all learn something from the furry ones we spend our lives with, not the cat creatures though, they just show the perfect model of ambivalence to everything although they do like to sit on the bed when you're poorly which is nice!

1. Be excited to see each other, I've never known anything like it when I have been away from home for an hour and she makes me feel like I haven't seen her in a year because she's just so happy and excited to see me again, I'm not suggesting that we all jump up and lick our friends when we see them but be so delighted that you make them feel really wanted.
2. Cuddle often, sometimes Holly will jump up and cuddle me and then she hops down and gets on with her own thing (usually eating the floor tiles or any wood she can get her beagle teething gums onto) but she comes to cuddle me often just to remind me that she loves me.
3. Forgiveness, I think dogs never bear grudges and I try to be forgiving but lets face it we can all get a little lost along the way so on January 1st I made my pledge to the universe that I forgave everyone who had every wronged me and my shoulders fell and relaxed instantly, I also forgave myself.
4. Be lovely to everyone!  Holly greets the world with love, pretty much every where she goes she wants to say hello to fellow dogs and humans and isn't that how we all should be?  We should have a cheery word or just a smile even when we are passing people on the street, after all a smile costs nothing!
5. Greet each new day with a smile!  Holly likes 8-10 hours of sleep a night, much like me really but when she wakes up at around 8.30/9am she hops on to my bed to say "Good Mowning, I love you mummee" she's a happy little thing and she greets the day with the expectation that each day is going to be the best day ever.

I'm sure there are other things we can learn from our canine friends and please do get in touch if you've been struck from any more life lessons, I mean after all, even o2 have been telling us to "Be more dog" for a while now!

New Years Resolutions

I've never been one for complicated lists of new years resolutions which I'll promptly give up or forget about 3 days into January, usually my one resolution is to continue to be fabulous dear reader, both in life and in business!  I'm sort of half joking as that sounds a little arrogant so maybe the plan has always been to continue to be happy although I sort of fell off the log on that one too this year even if it wasn't intentionally.

I really wanted to have a list of goals for next year but I think that the first one has simply got to be to make it through the next year as unscathed as possible, divorce after all isn't exactly a joyful thing, looking at the positives in that though means being able to really move on and start again.  I always think each year should have your own personal buzzword, just one word to focus on and pull you back in times of need.  My word for 2015 is renewal or rebirth, it's the start of a whole new phase in my life, one which will hopefully end in completion and by that I mean that I end up complete, it's not the same completion as in Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro! it's a very good book/movie if you haven't read/watched it but it's definitely not a happy story!

If you're a regular reader of my blog you'll know that each week we have tasks to do on our family to-do board, usually they're all written by Looby as she comes up with much more interesting ideas than I ever could!  This week, number 5 on her list is Write an inspirational quote, so here goes :-

It is only once you have experienced the dark that you can truly appreciate the sunshine on your face.

So back to those New Year resolutions - 

1. Try not to be bitter

2. Try always to be positive

3. Try to learn from the past to move forward to the future

4. Try always to appreciate the sunshine on my face

5. Continue to surround myself with wonderful friendships

6. Love my friends and let them know how much I appreciate them

7. Don't let toxic people upset me in business or personal life

8. Be Happy and smile every day

9. Allow myself to make mistakes without beating myself up about it

10. Sparkle!

So, what's your buzzword for 2015 and what goals are you going to set yourself, remember that you should think about these things and don't just chuck a list of things together which you know you'll fail at by this time next week, it's good to write them down and if you don't get it right first time, don't get cross at yourself, no one is perfect after all!

Whatever you are doing tonight to celebrate the passing of the year and the birth of the new one make sure when midnight comes that you are happy and content, the birth of a new year is not the time to get grumpy!

2014, a year in review...erm, maybe not

I think it's fair to say that 2014 has been for me a bit of a rough one, there were good things which happened don't get me wrong but on the whole everything that happened ended up being consumed by final collapse of my marriage and it's been like a death really and I find now that some days end up being harder than others.  There are some core things which I hope I've held onto though, I think even though inwardly I beat myself up and think I'm letting my children down the fact remains that I am a pretty good mum with the most fabulous children.  I wrote them all long messages in their Christmas cards thanking them for being amazing.

I didn't really get around to sending out cards to all of my wonderful friends but the chances are that you're one of the people reading this here blog and so let me say this now...

You guys, you're the ones, the reasons I'm here today, still relatively well balanced and in charge of my life, my business, my kids and I guess my destiny.  You will never know just how thankful I am for each and every one of you.

I guess you could say that the cruelty of one person revealed the warmth of human kindness of a multitude.

This little wonder has made the end of the year very happy, even if I am 1 rug down and my vintage milking stool only has 2 unscathed legs, this week we're dealing with Hollys first season, Abigail has taken her under her wing telling her hormonal girls know how hormonal girls feel, I hope they don't plot to kill me ;)

I'm going to work today because I just can't let 5 families down, the chances are that this is going to completely wipe me out for the rest of the weekend but hopefully given a nearly 2 week break at the end of it makes it doable.

To those of you in emotional pain this Christmas do remember that in just a couple of weeks it will be 2015, if ever there was better time to start afresh it's just around the corner and you know, we're all amazing really, you can choose to be anything you want because there's so much more ahead of you than there is behind you.  If you're unhappy, you have the power to change it even if you might not feel that you do, it's in there though burning away and the second you are ready grasp onto it run like hell until you find the happiness you desire, in fact if you want a running partner then run with me and we'll all go and grab that happiness together.  Things are better when there are more of you than just 1!

I feel my blogging may end up being a little erratic over the festive holidays, I'll still be popping on and writing my scattered thoughts at varying times but I find I'm planning nothing and seeing where the wind takes me (not my personal wind) so let me take this opportunity to say thank you for being my readers, my friends and I hope you all have the merriest Christmas ever.

Single parenting, I've got this!

It's been a full on week of sparkle barring the last couple of days when I've been pretty ill, still feeling quite horrid this morning but I'm off into the world for 2 photo shoots in Jesmond Dene this morning and then I'll run home to a blankie on the sofa I think!

This weekend I have 4 photo shoots in Wharton Park, Durham and then 6 in Jesmond Dene on Sunday so it's a much busier weekend than the last couple of weeks but that's a good thing, I really need those 2 weeks off at Christmas without worrying about financial implications, it's always a bit of a battle taking time off when you are self employed!

I have kept up with living a life of sparkle and yesterday once the bin men had taken the 20 black bags I'd cleared from Abigails bedroom I managed to make our seating area just a little bit more sparkly and festive.

It's still a little too early for the Christmas decorations but it's never too early for a bit of extra sparkle in our lives.

I also made a practice batch of peanut butter tablet, a roaring success containing about a million calories in every bite but what the heck, it is going to be for Christmas presents after all.  I've amazed myself this year, I've made blackberry jam, I've pickled beetroot, I've made my own sweet mincemeat, my Christmas cake is maturing nicely, I've made quite good progress with Christmas shopping too, amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it!  I think I might be getting good at this single parenting thing, if I manage to get Abigails room decorated next week then I've nailed it, if only the cats could do housework ;)

So whilst you go about your wonderful weekends enjoy every minute of them and remember that being nice doesn't cost anything at all, be kind to yourselves and others dear reader and I'll be back on Monday to regale you with tales from my weekend, hoping to fit in just a little festive stroll around Durham tomorrow after my photo shoots!

On friendship and being grateful

Good morning dear reader, another Monday heralds the start of a new week and you find me still very much under the covers and this is pretty much where I plan to stay today because I am ill/poorly/sick.

The germies have absolutely infiltrated  and I have my first cold of the year which during the night was kind enough to graduate to my chest and stop me from breathing properly.  It's not the best way to start the week but at least I have an Iain who is going to pick up Looby from school later and Abigail will get the bus home, small mercies having older children, Petunia is staying at her dads until tomorrow as she's off to visit her pack today, she goes every couple of weeks to see all the other lovely huskies and she loves it.

I think given my current state I might just hold off on conquering any small countries for the foreseeable but I am pleased to report that I did get through Loobys birthday luncheon before the germs really took a hold thank goodness.

Looby had a great luncheon joined by Abigail, her daddy and 4 of her very best friends, all who are utterly lovely girls, they're also all moving on to the same secondary school together which is lovely as when Abigail transferred there was only 2 other pupils from the same school who went with her.

It makes me realise just how important friendship is, even from a very early age our friendships help to define us as people, they become the people we laugh with, we cry with, people we turn to in times when we're not strong enough to face things alone and we in turn do the same for others.  It's taken me many years to have a solid, small, sturdy group of friends who I can share my life with and over the past few weeks I have really come to understand how much I'm loved by that group of special people as much as how much I love that group of brothers and sisters who have become an intrinsic part of my daily life.  Some of them I may not see very often, some of them I have known for years but only on line but that doesn't mean that they are any less special to me and if you're one of them who is reading this right now I want to say that I love you and I want to thank you for being in my life right now.x

I'm so proud of my beautiful daughters and my son too although the chances of you seeing a photo of him on here anytime soon is slim!  They really do amaze me with their wit, knowledge and strength of character, Abigail and Looby are like chalk and cheese for two people who have only 16 months between them you really can't get 2 people with more differences between them, it's lovely then when you see them hugging and telling each other that they love them.  Looby gives freely with hugs and love, Abigail not so much but occasionally she does tell me she loves me and hugs me back and that makes it all worth it, behind every hormonal angry teenager is a lovely young lady just waiting to get out!

So today think of me with my Lemsip cold and flu tablets, at least I have a comfy bed, warm blankies and a lovely environment to be poorly in (well apart from the 22 My Little Ponies and Lucy the scary welsh doll), some people are truly alone in this world without friends, family or a nice place to live, some don't have a place to live at all and so today lets all be grateful for the things we do have, go tell someone you love how much you truly care about them today, I promise you will make their day and it will make you smile inside your own heart too.

Happy Birthday Looby

Today dear reader is a day for celebrations, a day for putting differences to one side, a day for coming together as one family to say Happy 11th Birthday beautiful Looby.

Looby is such a special girl, she's always bright and cheery, of all of my children it's Looby who looks forward to the future with such hope in her heart and happiness in her soul, for her no matter what the situation she believes that in the fullest time of things that life will be better than ever in the end.

She loves without fear and is loved in return by so very many people, she has an unique ability to cheer anyone up and has often sent messages to my friends when they're feeling low telling them something simple like "you're awesome" or "you're beautiful" just to make them feel better, her capacity to love human nature is unbounding.

She loves her friends at school although she's not the biggest fan of formal education, as she has put it many times "but mammy, I don't really need to go to school, I could just come on adventures with you, everything I need to know in life I could learn from you or daddy"

From the youngest age Looby has been a friend of the animals and more of my direct debits every month go out for Loobys latest adopted pets than they do for bills, she currently sponsors a guide dog puppy, some snow leopards, the RSPCA and a dog from the dogs trust (and for she sponsors, you can assume it's actually me that pays for them, haha).  From the day she could tell us what she wanted to do when she grew up she said she would love to be a farmer and to this day it's the thing she wants to do, she loves horses and rides very well, I honestly don't think there's anyone who Looby doesn't like or love.

So to my very special daughter I want to say a huge Happy 11th Birthday and may you fulfil every dream you have and just for you here's some highlights of your 11 years on this earth.

Happy Birthday Looby, never change even one little bit!

Unexpected moments of loneliness

For many years dear reader Saturday nights have seemed to offer the same routine, a house full of family, usually just the girls, Iain, Paul and I but I loved it, we didn't do anything special, sometimes we weren't even in the same room as each other but there's a comfort in knowing you're all together in the same place on a Saturday evening.

Don't get me wrong, Last night Iain and Abigail were here and I love my children very much but it's not quite the same as having the person there who you feel you've spent your entire life with, the one who knows the little inside jokes you've built up over so many years, the one who even when they irritate and annoy can still make you laugh.

I know I'll get used to this strange new routine, I have made plans with friends for lots of the alternate weekends when I'll be completely on my own and there's a definite solace in great friendships.  I also think that it's easy to fall into a yearning in those first few days and weeks on your own, your mind can play tricks and I simply have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that it's taken me 40 years of my life to finally learn that love is not enough, 2 disparate people with completely different core values cannot conquer everything just because they love each other, unfortunately I don't think love does conquer all, if it did I wouldn't be in this situation.

I think it's going to take a while to get my groove back and get used to not being able to randomly tell someone my inner thoughts or offer a mind dump at any given moment by text message.

Yesterday I bought a new book called 102 Free Things To Do: Inspiring Ideas for a Better Life it's my latest dose of positivity and it contains some truly wonderful suggestions about little ways to make life fuller, better and more fulfilling all for free, if you're at a poignant crossroads in your life or even if you simply want to add a little value which doesn't cost anything why not give it a read, you might just find something you can use to make your life even better.

Today, I'm going to write a list, you can join in too dear reader, just pop that list on paper or in the notes section of your phone or your laptop or anything really and now think about 5 things which you love about your life right now, even if you are having a truly awful time reach inside and find just 5 small things which can still make you smile and then at the dark corners of the day you can remind yourself that no matter how turbulent life's journey becomes you will always have something you can focus on to change your thinking back into a more positive state.  I've always believed in my heart that what you give out comes back so negativity isn't going to breed anything other than negativity but with a smile in your heart, well you just never know what lies ahead just around the corner.

On redefining and new beginnings

This weekend dear reader has been such a mix of emotions and I guess this is going to continue, for so very long I've been a happy and positive person, the fact is that even though our relationship had been in trouble for quite some time I was still happy, I think I'm just someone who refuses to be anything other than happy, yes I really am that stubborn.

The truth is that our relationship was ill, it was like a cluster of termites eating the way through the foundations of our relationship slowly. Because it's the 4th consecutive year I'd ended up on my own when Sept/Oct hit we were all more prepared for it than we gave ourselves credit.

I do not wish this blog to become a bitter dissection of a troubled marriage, I have no bitterness, no anger, no wish to place blame, I'm sad, my heart hurts and I feel lonely, but in the corners of the darkness I'd felt that anyway.  In the end it was relief because I never would have made the move but I know it perhaps went on for 2 years longer than it should have.  We tried marriage guidance, I still think that's a recommended path when you hit the bumpy bits you might not be able to steer yourself over.

Our girls are ok, they're hurting but they still have 2 parents who love them and care for them and will do anything they can for them and as for Iain, he has me and as I've said before, one awesome parent is really all any child needs.

I've written now for the last 10 years, I've opened up about my mental health, my troubled childhood with a dysfunctional mentally unwell mother, (who is still actively stalking my children and I) my business, my family, my life.  I always figured that there are others out there in similar situations who might just need to read something and know they're not alone.

I guess my biggest challenge will be redefinition, both of myself and of my business and life goals, my business will continue to grow and thrive but I will take on an ever decreasing amount of weddings, I love them but I can only do so much and my family portraiture business is sizeable now and my girls come along with me when I photograph kids and family so it's the perfect single parent career.  I want to focus more on writing and blogging, and my book?  Well that's the biggest question I have yet to answer, for now I need to be there for my children as much as I possibly can be, I'm not sure spending time alone in a hotel room is the thing I need or indeed they need right now.

I've already started new beginnings, I've rearranged furniture, I've put up new photographs and paintings and room by room I hope to redecorate and redefine the space which surrounds us, and photos, new family photos, I really want to do that, I've shot portraits for people redefining their families and I've always thought it such an important healing thing to do so I want to do that myself for the children and I.

Friends are the most important thing, the messages of support have simply been amazing and last night when the kids were away I got to go out again for the first time in 2 years for a night of fun and laughter, it felt strange and weird, a brave new world, a world I don't quite understand yet but that I'm sure I'll fit into one day soon.

I have not stopped believing in true love, soul mates or life long relationships, Plato said "All love is pursuit of the whole" and I still believe that one day I'll find someone who will love and embrace all that I am and in turn I will with them, never give up hope, never!

The National Media Museum

In Bradford is lots of fun for parents and children alike, obviously I was quite attracted to the fact that the Henri Carter Bresson exhibition was on and it did not disappoint and neither did the Imax 3D presentation of Space Station. It was the first time I had seen a 3D Imax movie before and I was blown away by it all! Can't wait to see another really!

So onwards with some photographs from the museum :-




Iain was delighted to have photographs with a Dalek.




He also tried his hand at reading the news.




Ok this one is a bit of a dodgy photo but I love it, Looby was on a blue screen with the teletubbies and here she is watching the tv which showed the Teletubbies with her, she was a little confused as to where they were.


Standing against the blue screen.




Iain with his 3D glasses on waiting for the movie to begin.




What is hubby concentrating so hard on?




Why he's colouring in a monster of course!!



The original cast of Playschool



Gordon T Gopher, one of my favourite TV icons!

and ending the day and the story of our holidays with who else but....



George and Zippy of course!

So Monday night and we returned rested and relaxed, we crammed so much in and had the best time ever, I love holidays. I've hardly seen Paul since we returned as he's so busy with gardening that he's actually got someone helping him at the moment.

I really can't wait until our next weekend away, when will it be and where? Well I don't really know but you can guarantee it will be fun, fun, fun!