It's funny I think how we fixate on dates and anniversaries, I'm pretty sure it's a female thing, 1st February, my birthday, 14th April 2000, date I got married, 4th September 2014, the date my husband walked out on me...

I remember writing at the time that I wish I was a year on, or even 6 months because I knew that I would be better, that life would improve, that my heart wouldn't feel quite so broken.  So now I sit here just approaching the first anniversary of that momentous day and truly I do feel better.  Don't get me wrong, there's still an ache in my heart which may always be there, it creeps up on me every now and then and suddenly I'll feel catastrophically sad, I still ask myself the same unanswered questions, where did it all go wrong?  What did I do wrong? Could I possibly have saved it?

For the most part though, I am happy and bouncy and quite possibly even more whimsical than I ever was because it's quite possibly the first time in my life I've actually enjoyed being me on my own, making my own company, having conversations with my dog, she doesn't always answer but I'm sure she knows exactly what i'm thinking.

So much has changed in the last year, I rescued myself and I not only rescued my business but completely turned it around, I blogged my way not only back to happiness but also to success, I sit here today with excitement in my stomach that in just a few weeks I depart for my first international travel writing/photography assignment, the anticipation to see Rome and Barcelona in November is the thing that I'm holding on to whilst my girls are in Majorca with dad at the moment.  I hope it's the first of many assignments which will help me tick some treasured places I've dreamed of photographing, it's quite a long list but I get stupidly excited when I go on airplanes, just taking off makes me feel giddy, you know that bit where your head is pushed back into the seat as the acceleration and G force kicks in, it's a simple pleasure I suppose but it's connected to adventure and you all know how I love an adventure.

Whilst I can't say that this has been the best year of my life, I can say that in retrospect it's been a lot better than I ever imagined it would be, I want to give hope to you if you're sitting there reading this in the place I was this time last year, just keep holding on, those first few weeks and months seem like an eternity, one day though, you'll wake up and smile and feel happy again, it takes time, it only really happened to me one day during early summer, I felt happier than I had felt for years, I guess it was the day I knew I had become me again, the new me, the me I quite like, I'm a stone lighter than I was this time last year, there's an eternal battle between me vs the cake but a certain beagle ensures I get enough exercise to beat it, well just about...

I have great friends who've helped me get to the place I am now, they've laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me when I needed it and said nice things when I couldn't even bear to think them of myself.

This next year, well I'm just putting this out there but for me it's going to be the best year ever, I intend to travel and work (possibly combining the two) and I'm going to make sure I have the happiest children (and dog) on the planet, I want to spend time feeling the warmth of sunshine on my face and I want to have the glow of happiness in my heart.  You never really know what's around the next corner but if you set out to believe that there's happiness and adventure then I think maybe you're giving yourself a head start so lets all just do it, lets all just say that today, tomorrow, next month, the next year will be the very best!

Sweet Poison and Davina's 5 weeks to Sugar Free

Ever since I joined Slimming World and started to respect my body a little more dear reader i've become fascinated with trying to understand how my body works and why I've always had a problem with my weight, it's only in the last couple of years I've really got to grips with that and that's why I'm more than 2 stone lighter than I was in April 2013.

Just lately as I've really been changing my life in all aspects for it I've taken a really hard look at what's going on inside my body as much as I've looked at all of the external things which affect me, my life and my business.

Last week I tentatively started on Davina's 5 weeks to Sugar Free and I'm actually really enjoying it, I've not cut out all sugar yet as it was my birthday, I went out for drinks but it's around a week since I started putting most of it into practice and I'm 2lb down, feel a lot brighter and definitely have more energy during the day.  I am also reading "Sweet Poison, why sugar makes us fat" by David Gillespie recommended to me by a friend and it's a good (although quite heavy in places) book  all around the same subject that refined sugar isn't good for us at all but we're all blooming addicted to it and if we can just restore our bodies to the way they're supposed to work we'll feel and look a whole lot better.

Now obviously I'm not a diet guru just like I'm not a life guru and actually it's probably more the case that if I can do it anyone can but we're all in this together right?  We made it through January and came out of the end better people because we took control, well this is one of the next step because we need to love ourselves and respect ourselves in all areas and that includes what we're putting in our bodies.  I love cake, i'm sorry, I do, it's not my fault!  I've just experimented by making a Victoria sponge using a recipe from Davina's book which substitutes the sugar by using Maple Syrup and which swaps white flour for wholemeal spelt, I can tell you that it was so delish that Looby asked for more!!  Ideally I think no maple syrup or honey would be the ideal but none of us are perfect so if we can just cut out most of the sugar, swap white flour for wholemeal spelt (yes I know, spelt, it sounds hideous but I promise it's not, I made a loaf, I didn't die and I didn't suffer from bloating, I didn't even have middle aged lady night sweats)  I also made our Yorkshire puddings with it yesterday and Iain (yes the one with aspergers who doesn't like anything and won't try anything) didn't notice the difference, obviously I didn't tell him until after he'd eaten them!

So if like me you're on a path to changing your whole entire life for the better why not give it a go, you can still have pies (wholemeal spelt crust) and you can still have pizza (home made with wholemeal spelt) and you can still have bread and the changes you need to make are minimal, it's actually a lot simpler than I thought and I was doing a lot of it with Slimming World anyway, the one thing I wasn't doing was I was having a lot of low fat things and they seem to contain some not very nice things and some hidden sugars in some cases so now I'm making sure I'm moving back to basics, I'm a pretty good cook and I really enjoy baking and cooking, I find it's actually relaxing, especially if you can put on the radio and dance with your beagle!

So now we're into February, I hope you're continuing on the path to being a better you, you know what I'm working on, well lets just say by the end of the year I hope I'll be able to help you be a better you in person and online, more about that coming up soon...

Taking stock of January

It's February tomorrow dear reader, a whole new month, Holly will be 8 months old and I'll be, well lets just say it's my birthday but if anyone asks I am 35 and sticking ;)  I heard that people are allowed to wish Philip Schofield happy birthday but no one is ever allowed to refer to how old he is, well he's perpetually young so if that's all it takes I'll just tell people I'm 35 forever.

So it's the end of January and I am taking stock of the last month, it's been quite a month for me personally, this month has been about helping myself and others to get control of their lives so that they (and I) can become fuller, better, richer, more fulfilled people.  I want to thank you for all of the messages, comments, discussions on my Facebook (that's my personal Facebook, please do feel free to add me, but not if you're an axe wielding psychopath).  It's great to be able to help others to help themselves and sometimes it's just as much as getting someone else to vocalise the questions you can't seem to ask yourself, I of course do this myself with others who are far more knowledgeable like the amazing Leonie Dawson for instance!  I'm sure you'll hear much more about her as we go through the year.

The very most important thing I did of course was to start the month forgiving myself and anyone who'd ever hurt me, it's given me the power to build the entire foundations of my new life and it's a wonderful amazing thing and life is only going to continue to get better and better.  This single point has brought forth the most questions I've had asked and I just want to reiterate that it's not about knocking on everyones door who has ever wronged you, it's just about you making your peace with yourself, the universe and God and I think from experience that actually it was a lot harder for me to find inner forgiveness and be at peace with myself more than anyone else but my goodness, my shoulders relaxed straightaway and one physical thing I've noticed is that I've had far less neck pain during January, I think holding onto things just builds up inside you and it can actually cause physical pain, of course you have to be able to let go and this was something I covered yesterday, it's taken me time to reconnect with my own emotions and let myself be truly happy, sad, excited, interested instead of pretty numb to it all.  As many of you know I am bi-polar and I take medication which does control at least some of my emotions but I found that digging inside myself I can still reach them all, I just had to look a teeny bit harder.

Look, I'm really proof that if I can do it, screwed up, made a mess of it a billion times and bought the T-shirt then for you, well not only is it possible but it's an absolute definite!

The first key to everything is a simple smile in the mirror at yourself, fake it till you make it if you have to, it's been proven psychologically that if someone smiles at you it makes you happier and if you smile at yourself it makes you happy.

So what are you waiting for?  Smile at yourself, be happy and lets all leap into February and have the best month together we've all had for years!

I shall be starting mine off with dog walking, lunching, caking and champagning, sounds like a good first of February to me!

Who do you want to be and how are you going to achieve that?

This week has been a wonder and a revelation dear reader, it's great to hear so many of you joining in with grabbing your life by the horns and roaring like a panther.  I've been roaring myself in the quieter moments.

You see it's great to help other people find themselves and I think it almost pushes me onwards to become the person I've always wanted to be.

Have you ever asked that very important question of yourself?  Who do you want to be and what are the actions you can take to be that person?

For me, I want to be self confident, honest, happy, lovable, someone who will be embraced and will be able to give as much love as I receive, I still want to be successful although my definitions of success may have changed ever so slightly and of course I want to continue to work towards being an experientialist.

So I know where I want to be, I know what I want to be and now I have to ask myself the questions of how I'll achieve that?  Well I suppose that goes back to my last blog about getting control of your life right now!

My biggest thing was to forgive myself and others so I did that in January, I've talked about this before and lets just take a minute to ponder it, a blanket of forgiveness for yourself and for anyone who has ever wronged you, look I'm not suggesting you go and knock on peoples doors and tell them, nor am I suggesting that you ever have to speak to people who've wronged you ever again but you just need to say it to yourself and to the universe and let it all go, the minute I did it I felt the biggest amount of relief, I actually felt it in my neck and in my shoulders, it was a big Ahhhh moment and I think it's the very first step to any life plan really.

You also need to know that it's ok to feel whatever emotion you are feeling, we spend so much time keeping emotions in and they are damaging, I learnt to keep emotions locked away quite some time ago and it's taken me so long to be able to release them again and I can't tell you just how good it feels to be able to just cry openly again, it still doesn't happen all that often but yesterday for example I had moments of happiness and sadness and I let myself feel those emotions as they occurred and I think I sleep much better at night because my brain isn't constantly in turmoil.

One final thing which is great to embrace is that it's ok to be the person you are, be honest and be forthright, if people can't handle that then it's definitely not your fault, you will end up in a situation where you have exactly the people you need in your life to help carry you forward and you in turn will help them in the same ways, you see we're all on a voyage of discovery, we're all trying to be the best people we can be and as long as we realise you only have to be good enough and not constantly strive for perfection then that is a very good thing.

So this weekend when you have a spare 5 minutes (It's my birthday on Sunday so I'm planning lots of spare minutes....which contain copious amounts of cake or Champagne) just ask yourself that very important question, who do you want to be? and if you aren't already there, and lets face it, we're all mostly on the journey towards it, people who have achieved it are definitely in the minority, so what are you going to do to make those changes and achieve your own personal state of nirvana?

Two for Tuesday morning...

It's lovely and sunny this morning in Newcastle and that makes me happy dear reader, today I'm giving a presentation at an event this afternoon and thats mostly my work for the day as really Tuesdays are usually my day off.

Yesterday after a busy morning spent ordering prints and doing admin and then doing house work and shopping I managed a couple of hours creativity.

We've just celebrated Abigails 11th birthday but on my table yesterday I found a photograph of her on her 10th birthday, I'm sure i'll get to 11 soon enough.

and if you want old photos, I took this one when Looby was 3, I wasn't even a photographer, or at least I was making moves towards becoming one but I hadn't started my business, that happened in June 2007 (6 years old next month, yay)  It was at a time when I was just getting over agoraphobia and making moves to be indpendant, we had a lovely holiday in Scotland and when I came back I was super focused on the future.

Have a super focused and positive Tuesday everyone.

On being happy and hopeful...

I'm most definetly feeling the effects of being happy, hopeful and thankful. I really love life at the moment, I love life, my husband, my family, my business and all my wonderful friends and clients, without you all I wouldn't be who I am!

Last night, or late afternoon rather, I looked out the window and saw perfect light, I quickly grabbed my camera and the girls and took a few photos, you can never have enough photos of your children IMHO. I absolutely loved this one!

Did you know that I have a wonderful new and improved website, so much thanks to my wonderful website providers www.theimagefile.com and James! Go on what are you waiting for, check it out, it's delish, especially the galleries which now have big fat juicy photos!!

I need to redesign my blog so that it all fits together nicely, might get down to doing that after tea which tonight I think shall have a Mexican flavour. :)

Happy Monday everyone!

Just Keep Positive

It's what I tell my children, just lately I've been saying it a lot as various things in life have not gone our way. There have been definite moments of despair like no heating or hot water for an entire week with the coldest overnight temperatures of the year. Or the fact that just got fixed and then the wind smashed all the glass in our front door! Well thats only the tip of the iceberg from last week, imagine all of January and most of February has mostly been like that but worse and you'll understand how one could feel despair at times. On the whole though I tell myself "Just keep positive" I say it to the children and then one day last week I said to Looby "do you know what being positive is?" She said to me in her very cute 4 year old voice "erm getting in and out the bath" LOL so I explained that being positive was aboout being happy and hopeful and it really sunk in, I told her to spread it around the world and you know what, she has, her daddy was cranky the other night and she told him "Daddy, just be happy and hopeful" she went to nursery yesterday and told everyone "Just be happy and hopeful" including one of the dinner ladies who replied "Ok just eat your dinner"!! She's told all her little friends and she even said to me this morning as she was holding Studley the kitten "Look mummy Studley is being happy and hopeful" and I swear since this really took off and we all beleived together things are looking 100% better, it's hard to be grumpy when you hear her little voice in your head. I've always believed that being positive is the way to take on life, I beleive if you open yourself up to the cosmos and truly beleive then good things can and will happen.

So today if you're feeling blue or you're just about to shout just remember a little 4 year olds words and just be happy and hopeful.