It's Wednesday night, it's perpetually thrown it down with an icy rain since Monday night and it's been the blandest day of February I can ever remember.  I'm watching the first episode of Joanna Lumley's Home Sweet Home and within about 5 minutes that familiar itchy feet feeling has returned, I crave to travel and right now, I crave to travel anywhere that's more than a few miles from my front door.

I've written before, dear reader, that I came to travelling quite late in life, well at least overseas travel, where the UK is concerned I have traversed as far and wide as I could as often as I could.  We live in this magnificent country, steeped in history with the most beautiful views at every turn.  There are very few of us who have to travel more than a few miles to find something historic or beautiful or both.  It might be an amazing part of a city or an incredibly beautiful scene in a rural location, the UK is simply amazing.

Last year when we were safe to travel I spent 2 weeks walking in the Lake District and then later on at the end of the summer I spent 10 days in the Scottish Highlands, both trips were completely on my own and unlike when I'm stuck at home alone, I was not lonely, even for one minute because travel was all of the company I needed.

On my trip to the Highlands, I learnt the joy of taking an organised trip which meant that I got to experience even more than I could ever have dreamt of and because of travel restrictions, no trips were busy and I never had to sit next to anyone I didn't know (hurrah).

I think this year I shall take more coach trips and I don't even care if they're filled with others who are much older than me.  I don't drive and I like to drink in the views when I travel so a slow bus with not too many other people is now my idea of a dream, well in this country. I'd go for a cruise right now but I reckon it might be a while yet before they're safe to go on.  The only thing I think I miss when I travel alone is a companion to have dinner and drinks in the evenings with, it's not that I am scared to have dinner on my own but having a gin alone isn't quite so much fun as having drinks with someone you love whether that be a friend or family or a life partner (and I'm on a mission this year to find myself one of those).

I will never regret the travel I did last year because if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have had the memories and the photos I can console myself with on these long lockdown days alone. I've often said how I don't buy souvenirs on trips (other than the occasional fridge magnet) but I do take a lot of photos and for me, that's what it's about, I travel as light as I can, I find the best views and I look at old photos on the down days, the dark days, the days when you feel you can't go on.  There have been too many of them during this lockdown but at least I am writing again, trying to find my groove and most of all, distracting myself with memories of past trips whilst also thinking about where I'll go first when this last (hopefully) lockdown is finally over.

I have 2 vouchers, both for 2 nights accommodation and I haven't decided whether to use them all in Scotland (because it fills my heart and soul) or whether to be daring and head for Cornwall, one of the few places that I've never experienced, Belfast and Northern Ireland are also on my list for this year, I must take my own photo of the Dark Hedges in County Antrim, one of the amazing Game of Thrones locations.

In this long, dark, arduous, lonely lockdown when very little makes sense and my photography career is like some kind of weird dream, I think travel and the inspiration it provides is one of the few things keeping me going right now.  I don't wish to get too maudlin but I have days lately where my first thought upon waking is when can I go back to bed?  The days are endless and being trapped inside your own thoughts without any other humans for days, well it almost feels like a punishment.  To be honest, at the moment I have no idea how I'm ever going to pay for travel again but I also hope that once lockdown lifts that people will start planning weddings again, they will come out into the sunshine and want big family portrait sessions and with that money I will invest a lot of it into my gift boutique but the rest, well if there's anything else, I shall save it for as much travel as I can possibly cram in.  

I've reached a part in my life where I really only have my cats to answer to, Abigail and Looby both live their own magnificent independent lives, Looby would prefer to be with the horses and Abi, though we do love to travel together, she also has her own life.  I used to believe I could only travel if it was with one of them, that it was selfish to travel on my own but really, it was selfish to expect them to travel with me and enjoy the same things that I do.  I hope in the future we'll travel sometimes together but I'll never make anyone have fun or adventures against their own will.

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Why I'm going on holiday on my own...

I guess today is the end of the year for me, well, the end of the summer term.  Tomorrow I leave for Tenerife, a week, on my own, I'm hoping to find out who I am again.  I'd wanted a holiday for ages, I'd have loved to have taken Looby but she refused on the grounds of wanting to be with the horses more than her old mum (in the nicest way, obviously).  I'd never push any of my children to do anything they don't want to do and she'll be fine, she'll be great!  Initially, she was going to stay at her dad's until he told her I would have to pay him £300 which she acknowledged was not okay so she's going to stay with Harriet and Holly Bobbins instead.  Thank God for a best friend who's been like a second mum (or dad, they do call her Bruce thanks to an old inside joke) to all of my kids.

It's hard when your children get older and more independent, when you have focused your entire existence around them and suddenly they don't need you anymore, it's a tough break.  It's my own fault, of course, I intentionally bred independent, forthright, confident feminists for daughters (and a feminist son too).  It's only right that they should be out there, with their own jobs, with their futures ahead of them being the bright shiny things that they are.  I haven't heard from Abigail in months but I'm sure she's still out there changing the world and one day I hope she sees through the destructive mind control, I can only hope that university gives her that distance that she needs to see the world more clearly.  Suffice to say, I still pay her phone bill every month and if she ever needs anything or anyone, I am there the second she asks.

Last week I spent most of it with a group of teens from the NCS and the Newcastle United Foundation building a community garden practically right outside my front door, it was an unloved patch of overgrown weeds and I wanted to brighten the place not just for the bees and the butterflies but also for my own community so with the help of Newcastle City Council and Your Homes Newcastle we actually made it happen.  It's just really the start as my £90, the NCS put in £50 and the council's £60 did not make for the best budget but one of the beds is nearly finished and though it looks sparse, the flowers and plants will soon grow, if not this year then next.  It's proof that you can change things in the world, even if it's only on a small scale.  last week it brought out some of the children on our estate, they helped with the planting and some of the spadework and to me, that's proof that kids need to have things to do.  No one starts out bad or committing crimes, how we nurture kids from an early age really can shape their lives.  I hope that as we go through the years they'll help with planting seeds and generally care for the gardens that we've built.

Tenerife Here I Come

In choosing to go to Tenerife, I've chosen the canaries because they're gloriously sunny, perpetually springlike and safe for solo female travellers.  It's not the first time I've been overseas alone, back in 2016 I went on a cruise for solo travellers on assignment for Cruise International magazine, it was life-changing and I really found myself.  That one was a little different because I was staying somewhere aimed at singles where you could go out to dinner as a group every night.  In Tenerife, I will be completely on my own.  The main guests at the hotel I'm staying will be mainly Spanish or German, I barely speak a word of either language and I'm not really a chatty Cathy anyway!

It's weird though, the joy of solo travel is the choice to do whatever you want, when you want without judgement from anyone, it's kind of like my life in general where I've chosen to be on my own because the thought of being with anyone is imposing someone else's judgements on me and I can't ever do that again.  I can't even dare to think of being with someone without the fear of being controlled, in that sense, I am damaged to the end and I know there are people out there who wouldn't try to control me but it's too dangerous a chance to even try and take, especially as I fall for the same kind of people over and over.

I do hope to try and find myself again though, I literally have no idea who I am or who I want to be for this next stage in my life, I guess you could say it's a midlife crisis of confidence but I'm guessing every mum who has children who fledge from the next will at some time, feel exactly the way that I do right now.

There is one thing that I know though, if you are going to take the midlife crisis holiday, there's no better place to do it than somewhere in the sunshine.

A dog friendly adventure in Cumbria and Wales {ad}

During Spring we were invited to review The Plough at Lupton, luxury dog-friendly accommodation in Cumbria which offers suites at incredible prices, I was excited, Holly Bobbins was excited but our calendars we all so busy that it took us until a couple of weeks ago before we could arrange it all.

We had a plan to go to Wales and the fact that Upton is next to Kirkby Lonsdale, literally on the way to Wales, it seemed to be a good idea to start our adventures off with a night at the award-winning Plough.  We stayed in the Bellingham suite and I can't even tell you how much I loved the luxury of it all, at some hotels when you have a dog you end up in a room which is unloved and sometimes broken but not at the Plough.  All of their rooms apart from the honeymoon suite are dog-friendly and they're all equally as luxurious.  Holly particularly loved the cool floor tiles on a day which was warm and a little sticky.

I wish I could say the rooms were the best thing about the Plough, Lupton but no, for the biggest treat was yet to come as we ate in their delicious bar, surrounded by the other happy diners, no being thrown in a corner because Holly Bobbins was with us, no, Holly was quite the little celebrity graciously accepting all of the attention as she sat under the table hoping for tasty morsels to be dropped.

Sadly for Holly, there was no such luck although I did share a little steak with her because she'd done so much exercise on our earlier ramble around nearby Kirkby Lonsdale, we'd walked to see Ruskin's View, previously loved and painted by Turner, it's not a massive walk from the main parking area and I recommend it if you're are staying locally.

It's no wonder we were exhausted and very full after all 3 courses and we all fell into bed, Harriet and Bobbins had a great night's sleep, I know this because I had to listen to their snoring... all night!

After a delicious cooked breakfast and an amazing shower, it was time to say our goodbyes and head for the green and pleasant land of Wales!  

The last time I went to Wales, (with the exception of going to Bluestone in 2017) was when I was just a teenager so I'd been looking forward to it for ages and really it could not have been more perfect, we stayed 8 miles away from Aberystwyth, in a little Airbnb (if you click on that link we both get some travel credit) studio in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.  It was literally in the middle of the Cambrian mountains and not even 1 bar of phone signal but thankfully we did have wifi (couldn't miss the Love Island final now could I?).  

To say we had the best time is an understatement, we walked for miles, we got lost at the top of mountain roads and we visited Devil's Bridge, Aberystwyth, Machynlleth and Llangollen where we went on the highest navigable aqueduct in the world in a canal boat, it was an amazing experience and we all loved it.  I think Holly has been on more modes of transport than most children, she's not been on a plane yet but I'm sure if there were pet-friendly flights she would love it.

For me, there are no better adventures than the ones I have with my best friend and my dog, we laugh so much and it's when I'm at my most relaxed, I'm even pretty funny when I relax you know 😉 I think there's just something brilliant about travelling with friends, it's definitely not the same as family travel because truly you are free to please yourself and Harriet just kind of goes with the flow, well I say that but as long as I choose child-friendly activities for her inner 5-year-old she's usually happy.  I already can't wait for our next adventure even though we don't know where or when it's going to be.  

We stayed at The Plough, Lupton, a luxury dog-friendly Inn near Kirkby Steven in Cumbria, we were given a suite plus bed, breakfast and evening meal in return for an honest review.

Let's start this again shall we?

You may remember me from previous blogs such as...

Yep, I haven't blogged for nearly a month for a variety of reasons - 

• I've shot a lot of weddings lately and in between shooting them, (often with smoke bombs) I've been a slave to editing and to all manner of portraits and client work.
• When Google+ closed its doors it slashed my traffic by around a third and that's hard, especially as a blogger who does occasional sponsored posts but I've given myself a talking to about why I started blogging in the first place and I still hope to be writing my scattered thoughts for the next decade or so.
• Abigail cut me out of her life because I shared a post about coercive control on Instagram and I still can't process it months later, being silent about any kind of marital or relationship abuse just leads to more abuse, we can only stop this stuff from happening if we talk about it.  I'll always be here for her and she knows that and that's all I can really say right now because I still can't talk about it without feeling my heart actually hurt.
• I went on holiday with Looby and Holly Bobbins and actually did no work whilst I was there, this is a rare occurrence for me.
• I started to live the slow life, I've spoken about this before but these days you will mostly find me in my garden.

So, a lot of things have happened and yet, nothing has really happened, just life.

The summer holidays are just around the corner and for the first time I'll be spending more time alone than ever before, Looby will be off with friends and horses for most of it and I haven't really worked out what I'm going to do with myself as yet.  Harriet finishes work on Friday and we're going away on the 28th to Cumbria and then a couple of nights near Aberystwith, all with wonder dog Holly Bobbins of course.

I was also trying to plan a one-woman trip to the highlands but coach companies are so complicated and it doesn't seem like I've been able to find one which works with the dates when I'm actually available.  I have been thinking about whether I can do a one-woman rail and Airbnb  (if you click that link you can join Airbnb and get £23 off your first trip and I'll get some credit towards my travels) trip to the highlands but it just depends on the price of rail tickets etc.

I really want to make the most of summer even if I'm childfree but for me, I'm still trying to process that my kids are older and the summer holidays aren't that magical thing they used to be.  I'm sure like Christmas I just need to redefine them for myself, I'm sure if I don't it will end up in knocking off my depression and that's not what I want at all.

What I need I think is some kind of grown-up summer holiday bucket list I can check off and live my best life but I think I'm currently going through some kind of mid-life crisis in all kinds of areas of my life.

One thing that is definitely happening, I campaigned for a community garden and it's happening with the help of the NCS (national citizen service) I cannot wait to help build a garden for my local community with the help of 15 or so enthusiastic young people.  The plan is to remove a massive box hedge and a boulder from a disused and nettle filled flower bed, then to put in herbs and bee attracting flowers as well as putting a park bench and maybe a picnic table, finally I want to get lots of outdoor toys for the local small ones and hold a big party in my community to really bring them together.  Hopefully, it's the start of something amazing and I've already pledged to contribute time and financially so much as I can.  After all, I believe that small scale philanthropy can change the world, I know I am imperfect but that doesn't mean that I can't do amazing amounts of good for the community.

How to have free (or really cheap) days out on your next staycation

I'm a great fan of staycations and they can be really cheap or even free if you do it right.  This week both Harriet and I are taking some days off at the same time, our plans to have a staycation and get the most out of the time with the least amount of spending are spectacular.

You see, I'm a joiner, I like schemes and memberships and loyalty cards, currently I am a member of -

English Heritage - Individual member, I can take me and up to 5 children in for free - approx £5 per month

National Trust - Family member, I can take me and the kids free and Abigail's dad also has a card which I pay for so that they always have somewhere to go for days out even if finances are tricky - approximately £10 per month

Royal Horticultural Society - £4.80 per month

Harriet is also in the National Trust so we both walk into hundreds of properties for free, English Heritage is free for me so we just split the cost of the properties and it's usually just a few pounds.  The RHS, I've recently joined so I get in free to lots of places but if we go to the 4 RHS Gardens not only do I get in free, I also get to take one adult guest or 2 children up to the age of 16. You also get in free to hundreds of partner gardens so again it just means a two for one arrangement if we go together.

I also have handy loyalty cards from - 

Wyevale Garden Centres, discounts in the restaurants and at the till

Dobbies Garden Centres £10 per year for free tea and coffee every month, discounts at the till and in the restaurant plus loyalty vouchers

Gardeners World Gardens Card which came free in the May issue and gets 2 for 1 into hundreds of gardens.

I have £33.50 of vouchers for Wyevale from their now defunct points system, I also have a voucher for £5 off in the restaurant at any RHS Garden and our nearest is Harlow Carr in Harrogate.

So, you can see how these discounts all stack up, both garden centres are dog-friendly as are a lot of the gardens although Harlow Carr isn't but Harlow Kennels next to the gardens will look after your dog for you for £4 or I can just leave her with Iain on that day, Holly Bobbins isn't a high maintenance dog.

We could of course also save even more money by taking our own picnic but then you need picnic food and sometimes that can cost just as much if you want a nice picnic, plus who wouldn't want to have tea at Betty's at Harlow Carr, it is legendary after all.

I do always wonder why dogs aren't allowed into gardens, I get that they can't really go into castles but in gardens on a lead, maybe it's a consideration for the future as we become a much more dog-friendly country.

This summer, whether I'm with Harriet or Looby I plan to have the most fun it's possible to have in our wonderful country but you can be sure I'm going to make days out as cheap as I possibly can whilst still having amazing experiences.  Cheap or free days out are easy, finding amazing places in that budget is the tough part, add kids or teens into that mix and then a dog and the challenges become so much greater.

This year however, I plan to smash it and with a camera at my side to record it all, you can be sure I'm going to come back with memory cards full of, well, memories.  I cannot promise not to splurge on things for the garden though, well you've got to have something to spend money on in the gift shop

Why your brain needs you to take a holiday

I love travelling, I love holidays and I love exploring new places, I rarely come home from holiday any less tired than when I go on them because I feel the need to explore and share, to document and write about them.  I've never taken a beach holiday where I literally did nothing, well until this week.

As many of you who read my blog know, I have chronic anxiety, I worry and overthink everything, I pour my heart and soul into everything I do in life and work and it can be exhausting, I have intense periods of working myself to the bone followed by burn out periods where I'm afraid of the world, where I can't go out and want to perpetually run away.  The only times I'm protected from this is when I have my camera in my hand, it's like a shield to me, it protects me from my own mental health I suppose but the flip side is that after every wedding or day of portraiture I'm exhausted from giving so much of myself, this is why, this year I've tried to only be out shooting at weekends with the week at my desk and time spent with my family although I can't imagine life any other way because I love what I do, it's not just a job, it's my entire life.

When a last minute holiday popped up to go to the Greek island of Corfu came up for Looby and I, I snatched it with both hands, a few days by the Ionian sea would do us the world of good.  I took 2 books, 1 novel and 1 business book with low expectations that I would read any of them but as it happened, I finished a huge novel (While I was Sleeping, very good, I really recommend it) and nearly finished She Means Business by Carrie Green too.

You see, I've travelled a lot with Looby but we've never had a beach holiday, she's phobic of boats so most trips were out of the question and our one potential excursion to Corfu Town didn't happen due to Corfu having a massive rubbish problem I didn't want to have to endure as I'd seen enough passing through the island and it's not a memory I wanted to bring home with me, we'd smelt it wafting in the wind when we were in the sea on Wednesday and that was enough.  It's a shame to see lay-by's piled high with rotting rubbish, the Greek economy needs tourism but if it doesn't fix it's refuse problem the tourists will stop going.  Where we were in Benitses it wasn't too bad although it was still evident.

Benitses though is a lovely sleepy village, yes it's a little dilapidated, a shadow of it's former days but amongst the crumbling buildings and the shut up shops there is beauty to be found, glorious sunrises and pink hued sunsets I watched from our balcony which looked directly at mainland Greece in the distance across the crystal blue waters of the warm Ionian sea.  We stayed at the Potamaki Beach Hotel, once a grand hotel, the grandest in Benitses, it probably still is though it has seen better days and could do with refurbishing.  It was comfortable though and far from unsatisfactory and we spent our days mostly submerged in the pool or the sea, we swapped from mornings at the beach to afternoons at the pool and our only change of routine was to do a morning by the pool and an afternoon next to the sea.  Even though there was a museum next door to the hotel we didn't venture in once (even though I wanted to).  For just 1 break I wanted to live at Looby's pace to just be at one with the ocean, to snorkel and realise we were amongst huge swathes of the most beautiful fish.  By day 2 I was so relaxed I even photographed Looby underwater by the pool, yes the iPhone X is waterproof.

Here's the thing I've come to realise, when you have an intense job which constantly requires you to be focused, when you are in a role which you can never switch off from, you need to relax, you need time to let your brain recover, for all I love my business and my company I never switch off and for just a few days my brain was grateful for the rest. I actually had some new ideas, I unwound, my thoughts became clear, for just a while I felt completely zen and at one with the world and when we flew home yesterday I knew I was ready for a whole new year.  It's just a shame that even less than a day later it feels like I've never been away.

So, the next time you are planning your next adventure, ask yourself when the last time you really had a rest was, and if you can't remember the last time you had a chance to read a book and not check your phone every twenty minutes, maybe go and search for a sunshine holiday by the sea, with an epic view and a chilled back way of life and go and do it, don't beat yourself up for taking me time, don't punish yourself because you need to stop and not do anything because in the end your mental health, your family and your busy companies and businesses will thank you in the end.

How Do CEO's Take Holidays?

Last night after just 3 nights in beautiful Northumberland, we came home early due to various issues, mostly to do with work and the lack of not only WIFI but also pretty much zero phone signal, a half bar of 3G which lasted for just a few moments every hour wasn't a great prescription for being able to work whilst relaxing.

It sounds like a first world problem but even though I'd told people that I would be away on holiday with my both of my daughters together for the first time since 2015 it didn't stop people asking so much of me that I couldn't do that I felt anxious, overwhelmed and eventually decided to come home and so I'm back at my desk well before I was due to sit down again on Monday.

I don't remember this ever happening with my business in 12 years, my wonderful photography clients just always understood but being a CEO is different, not only do you have a team of people working for you, you also have the demands of your members, the licensee's and the admin who just don't have the ability do do some of the things you can.  I understand it, once you become a CEO people feel they have ownership of you and even when you gently impress on them that you're on holiday they still send repeated requests because there's no one else they can ask.

I suppose it's a unique situation, most CEO's have achieved so much that their team deal with most issues because they're paying them, they've built huge powerful iconic companies and they have payrolls to match.  We don't have that, we are two months old, we were a not for profit, we started with zero funding and yet there are some who feel that I should be able to pay large amounts of money or the expectation that we are suddenly rolling in it at the cost of our members and it's just not true.  We did make a profit in our first month of our £400 and in our second month of just under £600 which is amazing for a brand new organisation.  That doesn't actually account for money payable as a salary though so yes it seems like we're doing well and we are actually doing amazingly but we're far from being a company who can employ the people we want to employ like admin staff, coaches and problem solvers.  The suggestion by someone that I'm running a pyramid scheme made me laugh out loud, I live in the dodgy part of Heaton, holiday in cheap caravans and don't even have a yacht for the bath never mind in real life.

I have such belief that we can be a globally recognised organisation that I am risking everything, in 2020 I'm retiring from wedding photography and even next year I'm taking the business I love so much down to just 1 day at weekends so I'm ever more available for people who need me to do things.  I already give more hours a day than is possibly healthy but I'm willing to do whatever needs to be done to achieve the goals I've set myself.

I don't know if I'm going to holiday again anytime soon, usually I try to take a break every couple of months just for my mental health but it's not tenable if I end up back at my desk, early, feeling anxious and depressed because overwhelm has grabbed me by the throat.

I know there's a suggestion that I could maybe just turn off all notifications, not read or respond to emails and maybe even totally disconnect but anxiety won't let me do that, I'd dread and fear opening my email box after a week away.

Abigail quite rightly says that Richard Branson has his own island for a reason, CEO's can't have holidays so he bought an island, from where he can leave his desk and go kite surfing at any given moment so whilst I can't quite afford my own island I do have a plan for the future to work hard, buy a caravan (with super fast internet) and escape to their as often as I can whilst still being able to be present.

Life is changing, life has changed, I'm still adjusting but I'll get there...

Dog Friendly Day's Out in The Lake District

Last week whilst it apocalyptically rained in Newcastle, I escaped with Harriet, Looby and Holly Bobbins, we chased the sunshine all the way to the Lake District where we found some respite from the continuous northeast rain which seems to have blighted us since Christmas.

I love the Lake District, It's the one of the most beautiful regions of England there's always a friendly welcome for the waggy tail of Holly Bobbins.  Keswick and Ambleside are busy crowded villages full of bustle as well as four pawed buddies, I think we saw three of each breed last week and it's so refreshing where the number of places you can take your dog outnumber the places you can't.  It makes Holly happy and me too, I think they've cottoned on to the strength of the barking pound and I for one love that I can go shopping with my beagle.  It's not just a great experience for me, Holly also loves it, she's so used to greeting her public that she's always ready to stop for pats and treats and occasional "pawtographs"

Whenever I'm in the Lake District I try to head to Keswick, Lake Windermere and the Kirkstone Pass, a beautiful winding mountain road from Ambleside to Patterdale, because it's so mountainous it's ever changing, you could go on 2 consecutive days and the light would make it look like a completely different canvas, it's calming, it's peaceful even when there are lots of visitors and time in the mountains makes me feel like I can conquer the world upon my return to civilisation.

We like the Inn on the Square, Keswick for lunch and a dog friendly ploughmans but really, there are so many dog friendly places to eat/stay/shop you will be utterly spoiled for choice if you stay in Keswick or indeed any of the Lake District towns and villages.  I could quite easily live there I think if I didn't want to emigrate or live in the Highlands which has a very similar look and feel.

If you've never had a dog friendly holiday and you're just craving to try somewhere with your four legged best friend you really can take a safe bet by booking somewhere in the Lake District, literally every time I go, it's so full of joy and wonder with boat rides, train trips, all being suitable for you and your pooch, I know that Holly Bobbins would definitely give it 12 barks out of 10 and she's a very good critic of all things dog friendly.

I'll leave you with a few more photos of our most fabulous Lake District day out, I just wish we could have stayed a few days longer.