Let’s talk about that delightful little brain trick where the second you feel even slightly sad, you go full Sherlock Holmes on yourself trying to figure out whether it’s just a down day or the start of another trip down the depression mine shaft. Spoiler alert: there are no clear signs. No flashing neon that says “This is fine” or “Welcome back to the void.” Just vibes. And not the good kind.

This week? The vibes have been terrible.

It started with one thing—one stupid little thing—toppling. And like any good neurodivergent woman, my brain took that as an excuse to spiral into a full symphony of what ifs, what now, and oh god not again.

Because here’s the truth: when you’re autistic and life loses its comforting sense of constancy, your mental health is usually the first to file for divorce. We like stability. We like the known. We do not enjoy surprise plot twists. Especially the ones that come without commercial breaks or a warning at the top that says “this episode contains scenes of emotional peril.”

I’ve done all the things this week. Manifested like a woman possessed. Hugged my cats like they were emotional support therapy cushions (because they are). I’ve sipped ceremonial matcha and whispered sweet nothings to the universe while wondering if my brain is quietly sabotaging me behind my back.

Because once you’ve had depression—proper depression—you don’t just feel sad anymore. You interrogate the sadness. Is this depression again? Is this hormones? Is it burnout? Is it because Mercury’s retrograde and I haven’t saged my living room recently? Or am I just reacting normally to circumstances that are, in fact, a bit shit?

The answer, unfortunately, is probably “all of the above.”

And layered on top of that is the charming internalised monologue of my mother telling me I was born to make people unhappy and ruin lives. Lovely stuff. Really puts a bow on the whole experience.

So yes, I’ve spent too much time thinking this week. I’ve tried to soft life my way out of it with cosy corners and scented candles. I’ve tried to remind myself that just because I feel low doesn’t mean I’m doomed. But there's still a niggling fear at the back of my mind that happiness isn’t for people like me. That maybe I manifested too hard and the universe’s returns policy has kicked in.

But I’m still here. And if you are too—reading this, nodding along, wondering if you’re the only one panic-checking your mental health status every time your mood drops—then please know you’re not alone.

We’re not broken. We’re just human. Neurospicy, overthinking, cat-hugging humans trying our best to get through the week without crying on the bus.

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🔗 Soft Life Tools for When You're Falling Apart (But Aesthetically)

• Ceremonial Matcha Powder – The one I actually like, because no one needs bitter grass water when they’re already emotionally fragile.

• Milk Frother/Hot Chocolate Maker – For people who want barista energy without the burnout.

• Scented Wax Melts from the Northumberland Candle Co. – I call this one 'Emotional Stability in Scent Form'.

• Weighted Blanket – Like a hug, but from capitalism.

🧠 Neurodivergent Comforts

• Noise-Cancelling Headphones – Block out the world and listen to rain sounds while pretending you have it all together.

• Sensory/Fidget Tools – For when you need something to do with your hands besides doomscroll.

• Books That Soothe the Chaos Brain – Gentle reads for existential dread.

❤️ Mental Health Resources

• Mind UK – Coping with Depression

• Autistica – Mental Health in Autism

• The Blurt Foundation

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If you're someone who's been googling "how to know if you're depressed again" or "how to stop overthinking everything at 3am", welcome. You're in good company. This blog is filled with soft life comforts, neurodivergent tools, and tiny hacks that sometimes (just sometimes) help stop the spiralling. You’ll find my favourite matcha, the only wax melt that smells like emotional stability, and the cat-approved blanket I basically live under when life gets a bit much.

Three Unexpected Things I’ve Learned Since Starting MJ (And Why I’d Still Do It Again)

I’ve been on MJ (you know the one—starts with Moun, ends in jaro, but we don’t say it too loudly online) since the end of October 2024. I started on the lowest dose—2.5mg—and today I’ve just moved up to 10mg. I’m not quite at my target yet, but I’m getting close.

And along the way, there are a few things I’ve learned—things no one really tells you, and things that might not happen to everyone, but they definitely happened to me.

So here they are. Unfiltered. Midlife. Neurodivergent. Real.

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1. The energy crash is real.

I have type 2 diabetes, and what I didn’t realise was just how much MJ would affect my energy levels. Around week 7, I felt like I was living on the sofa. Not in a romanticised “main character in a cottagecore film” way—more like I was permanently horizontal.

Each time I’ve increased my dose, I’ve had to go through a weird adjustment phase. My body kind of… forgets how to function for a bit. The energy I used to rely on just vanishes. But the good news? It does come back. Slowly. But you have to be gentle with yourself while you wait for the reboot. I'd also suggest taking a good targeted multivitamin like My Journey from Wellgard which was designed for people like you and me, together on this journey

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2. Food noise? Gone. Appetite? Also missing.

Everyone talks about MJ getting rid of “food noise”—and it does. But what they don’t mention is how confusing it is when your brain no longer knows what it wants. Not in a oh, I’m being good today way. In a staring at a menu for 40 minutes like you’ve never eaten before kind of way.

You won’t feel hungry in the way you used to. You’ll probably eat far less. And it will mess with your head a bit. I found it genuinely hard to figure out what to cook or order. That part takes some getting used to. You won’t feel like yourself—but not in a bad way. Just… different.

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3. It’s not just weight—it’s mental health, pain, and sleep.

This one surprised me the most. MJ hasn’t just helped me lose weight—it’s helped with my anxiety, my sleep, and even my fibromyalgia flares. I feel calmer. I sleep better. I’m functioning in ways I haven’t done for years.

It’s not a miracle drug, and I don’t believe in hype, but it has made me feel more like myself. A better version of myself. A version I actually like.

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But here’s what you really need to think about…

No one talks about the long-term. What happens when you hit your goal? Do you stay on it for life? What happens next?

I’ve made peace with the fact that I’ll probably be on this for the next 50 years—and at £169 a month, that’s not nothing. So it’s important to plan. Know your reasons. Have a strategy. And for the love of serotonin, go with a good pharmacy.

I use Cloud Pharmacy and they’ve been brilliant—helpful, quick, and not out here judging me when I email them in a panic. It’s not the cheapest option, but I trust them, and that counts for a lot.

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Would I do it all again?

Yes. 100%. Even knowing what I know now—the exhaustion, the food confusion, the cost—I’d still do it. Because this isn’t just about weight. This is about taking control of a life that didn’t feel like mine anymore.

My only advice? Get proper guidance, make sure your targets are realistic, and find a community. The MJ communities on social media have honestly kept me going—and that support makes all the difference.

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Soft life looks different for all of us. This is part of mine.

And if you’re starting this journey too, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re just… rebooting.

The Greatest Lie We Tell Ourselves

 

The greatest lie we tell ourselves? “Just one more thing, and life will be perfect.”

For years, I believed if I just had more money, I’d finally be happy. Or if I could just be thinner, everything would magically fall into place. Spoiler: I got richer. I got thinner. And guess what? My mental health still packed its bags and went on a little holiday without me.

Here’s the reality when you live with chronic mental health issues: there’s no magic fix. No scented candle strong enough, no bubble bath deep enough, no vision board powerful enough to chemically rewire your brain. Even with medication, self-care rituals, and my best attempts at being positive (insert slightly sarcastic jazz hands here), there are still days when my mind decides to take me on a journey I absolutely did not sign up for.

Yesterday, for example, my health anxiety took me straight to “You’re definitely having a heart attack and going to die before lunchtime”—a direct route from mild discomfort to full existential crisis in under five minutes. My anxious brain doesn’t do maths properly; it takes two and two and somehow makes six… and then throws in a bonus catastrophe for fun.

And here’s where it gets complicated. I long for a peaceful life where nothing changes and everything feels safe and predictable. But also? I would hate that. Give me the gentle pace, but please don’t tell me exactly what’s around the corner. This is the neurodivergent contradiction I live with every single day. ADHD and autism together mean my brain departments aren’t exactly… collaborating. It’s less a high-functioning office and more a chaotic open-plan nightmare where everyone’s shouting and no one’s sent the memo.

So, we take it one day at a time. Some days the world feels like it’s falling down around us. But even on those days, we have to remind ourselves—this isn’t the end of the story. Tomorrow is still waiting. And while I’m under no illusion that I’ll live to 101 (though wouldn’t that be a dramatic plot twist?), I can try to make peace with the life I have now.

Some days will be a write-off. And that’s okay. On those days, be kind to yourself. Sit under the blanket. Re-watch your favourite comfort film for the fifteenth time. Eat the snack. Ignore the productivity police in your head.

Because here’s the hard truth—they’ll replace you at work before you’re even cold. You are entirely replaceable to them. But to you? You’re irreplaceable. You’re all you’ve got.

So fill your own cup first. Love yourself like you’re the most important person in the room—because you are.

I love you. And I hope—truly—that you are loved. But even if the world feels quiet today, remember this: you are enough.

My Mounjaro Journey: The Brutally Honest Truth About Weight Loss, Fibromyalgia, and Midlife Chaos

 

In October last year, I had what we’ll politely call a “this isn’t working” moment. I’d spent every single day on a treadmill, burning calories like it was my full-time job—and yet, I was getting absolutely nowhere. Sure, I was about a stone lighter than I’d been after having tumours removed in February 2023, but the results weren’t matching the effort.

In February 2023, post-surgery, I weighed in at 14 stone 3 pounds. My BMI was high, and my menopausal body—bless her—had decided that my sole purpose in life was to eat cake and develop diabetes. Charming, really.

So when I heard about Mounjaro, I thought, why not give this a go? And in the last week of October 2024, my Mounjaro journey officially began.

Spoiler Alert: It Wasn’t Easy. Not Even a Little Bit.

For a while, Mounjaro sucked the life out of me. And I don’t mean that in a romanticised “this is fine, everything’s fine” way—I mean I spent a good seven weeks on the sofa, doing very little else except existing in a fog. The weight loss? Slow. Gradual. Frustratingly so. While social media is full of people dropping pounds faster than I drop sarcastic remarks, my journey felt like wading through treacle.

But despite the slow progress, something changed. Today, I weigh 10 stone 6. My BMI sits somewhere between 24 and 25. And while I’m still what I like to call girthy around the middle (currently a size 14), I’m content. Do I secretly want to slide back into a size 12? Of course. But if this is where I stay, that’s okay too.

That said, the journey isn’t over. I’ve had to increase my dose to 10mg because the food noise—that relentless, nagging background hum—has crept back in. And if you know, you know just how loud it can get.

It Was Never Just About Weight Loss

For me, Mounjaro wasn’t a vanity project. This was about finding peace. A quieter mind. Less anxiety. And, unexpectedly, relief from the constant inflammation and pain of fibromyalgia.

For a while there, I felt like I had my life back. I had more energy, less pain, and a mind that wasn’t constantly running on anxiety-driven chaos. And honestly, that’s why I’m continuing this journey. Not just for my body, but for my mind.

Because if you live with anxiety, you already know how much it steals from you. Your time. Your peace. Your life.

So, my journey continues. It didn’t end the way I thought it would—but I’m still here, still learning, and still working toward a life that feels a little bit calmer, a little bit lighter, and a lot more mine.

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My Mounjaro Survival Kit (AKA: Things That Helped Me Get Through This Madness)

If you’re on this journey yourself, here’s what’s helped me survive and feel human again:

• Wellgard My Journey Multivitamin – Fills 21 nutritional gaps and includes a hefty dose of iron. Because let’s be honest, the energy crash is real.

• Wellgard Gutstar Probiotic – An absolute must if you’re on Mounjaro and dealing with, shall we say… digestive drama.

• Wellgard High Fibre Gummies – Because nobody tells you that fibre becomes your best friend on this journey. Trust me, just get them.

You can find all of these in my Amazon Storefront here. And no, this isn’t just a plug—it’s literally the stuff that kept me functioning when everything felt impossible.

This post contains affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Thank you for your support!

When the world feels heavy

When the world feels heavy

The world feels heavy right now, doesn't it?  It's been such a long two years of coronavirus and in the flick of a switch Sky News changed their titles from Covid to the Ukraine crisis, we literally went from a pandemic to war in Europe in the blink of an eye.  You'd be forgiven for feeling exhausted and helpless right now.

The thing is, covid hasn't even gone, the government is just choosing to ignore it, I'm hoarding LFTs for when they stop being free as being a wedding photographer, I feel like it's my own personal responsibility to make sure I don't go to a wedding with covid and risk making someone's elderly relative very poorly or worse...

Of course, if we end up with war breaching Ukraine into a NATO country like Poland then we are truly screwed and in world war 3, some would say that won't happen but anyone who doesn't also believe that Putin is a maniacal dictator is also lying to themselves right now!

It's okay to feel heavy

It's okay to feel heavy, it's okay to feel confused, it's okay to feel completely discombobulated, your feelings are valid whatever they are and no matter what anyone else says to you. I'm an empath so I always feel these things like they're sitting right on my shoulders.  A few months ago I stopped watching the news and it was blissful but I also have a constant need for information so I found myself reinstalling Sky News on my phone.

Take a break

Take a break from doomscrolling, whether that be a walk in the park or an adventure to a place you've always wanted to go.  I currently have travel guides to Somerset, Devon and Cornwall and I have another arriving today about Oxford and the Cotswolds.  My usual trauma responses are to travel and go on adventures or if I can't do that I just throw more fairy lights at it.  I was a guest on a podcast yesterday and I was explaining that every time I get agoraphobic I go somewhere far away because for some reason my brain loves to travel even if I can't face going beyond my gate on some days.

We do not know how things are about to play out with the war or with covid but for your own sake you have to just try and be happy and try to find little pockets of joy in each and every day, for me, that ultimately means wandering with my camera, taking happy, colourful or interesting photographs to share with the world.  

Ways to support my writing

If you have enjoyed this article or found it useful and would like to support my writing I'd love a virtual coffee

I also have a lovely Facebook group I'd love you to come and join 

You could also come and follow me on Instagram or  TikTok keep up with my adventures, I really am grateful for all

of your love and support.

Oh and of course, you could just treat yourself to something lovely from Philomena's Boutique, my gift boutique

which is diverse, sustainable and totally lush!

Brighter days are coming

Brighter days are coming she repeated to herself, not sure whether it was a manifestation or a mantra...

It's been a tough start to the year and I'm so exhausted that yesterday I went to meditate and I woke up 2 hours later, I thought that might wreck my sleeping patterns but it seems that chronic fatigue is currently the order of the day and I could possibly win the Gold medal for sleeping for England.

My health is a joke, as are my finances but I keep pushing myself onwards knowing that I have weddings this year and in a month or so I'll start receiving income from those and so I just need to get there.  On paper, I have 2 potentially successful businesses, one of which was super successful before the pandemic and one which is still a startup but has the most amazing potential if I could just grow the audience past the 3000 or so people I've attracted in the last 18 months.  At first, when I started the boutique I had the money for advertising thanks to the government but now as I try to stop direct debits from bouncing and my covid debts spiralling it really feels like a long way from where I want to be.

There is no answer, of course, I live on a weekly food waste hamper I get from a local charity for £15, as frugally as possible and each week I scramble to pay my rent and top up my energy meters before they run out of money.  I went over to PAYG energy a few years ago because of the lean winters as a photographer and it does help to have no big bills but right now, it's like a battle.

I am doing everything I can to push each business and I hope to take on a few more weddings this year, I think I have around 15 now and I'd like to reach 25-30 if possible because weddings are guaranteed income (lockdowns allowing of course).  I was going to retire completely at the end of the year but I've decided to keep my hand in and just photograph some smaller weddings next year, 2,3,4 hour bookings, perfect for me really.  I am still really good at what I do, I just need to get through the pre-wedding anxiety which has me in knots.  When I get there I love it, I am the least anxious person there thanks to my superpower.  It's weird how my brain works.

This week, on Friday, I am going to see my doctor, I want to get reassessed to see if I have ADHD, I did an online test where I scored 11/12 and 6/6 so I think it's probable, suffice to say, I think there's also a possibility that I could win an award for the most screwed up unquiet brain in Britain but hey, at least I get uber creativity as a reward.  I also want to sort out my weight, I am unhappy in my current body but need help as the traditional things don't work so I'm going to have a chat about Saxenda and see what the process is for that, I'd like to be a whole new person by the time I'm 50!

At the end of 2020 I got some travel vouchers for a collaboration I did so currently I have 2, 2 night breaks just waiting to be taken and for Mother's Day, I'm getting some train vouchers.  I plan to put the breaks to good use and take my camera to create more original photographic art I can sell through Philomena's Boutique.  to me, the boutique combines all that I love and need in my life, I get to be creative, I get to make things and I also get to complement that with things that I love, it's hard now but if I can successfully increase its audience then one day it has the potential to be incredibly successful.

I do not know what the future holds but there's one thing I am holding on to and that is that brighter days are coming...

Ways to support my writing

If you have enjoyed this article or found it useful and would like to support my writing I'd love a virtual coffee

I also have a lovely Facebook group I'd love you to come and join 

You could also come and follow me on Instagram or  TikTok keep up with my adventures, I really am grateful for all

of your love and support.

Oh and of course, you could just treat yourself to something lovely from Philomena's Boutique, my gift boutique

which is diverse, sustainable and totally lush!

Therapy is Necessary

This is a collaborative post in association with Psymplicity

Therapy is Necessary

Therapy is important to make sure you can live your life as well as possible, whether you’re trying to overcome the stress of daily life or you’re hoping to overcome an addiction or mental illness. But despite the benefits of therapy, many people avoid it for one reason or another. Perhaps they feel embarrassed to admit they need help, or maybe they don’t want to spend the money on it. 

Why Therapy Is Necessary

Therapists aren’t just there to tell you that everything is going to be okay. Therapy can, and often does, help us through difficult periods in our lives when we need a guiding hand and a shoulder to lean on. Therapy isn’t just for those who have major issues in their lives: everyone has problems and challenges, and therapy can provide solutions where self-help books fall short. The benefits of seeing a therapist include:

Learn new coping skills -- In some cases, people turn to unhealthy habits as a way of coping with stress or traumatic events. When individuals have nowhere else to turn but themselves, these destructive behaviours may become worse without intervention from professionals with specialised training. Learning more productive ways of dealing with emotions and stressors not only promotes healthier habits but can also lead to a higher quality of life overall.

My experience with autism and bipolar disorder

I was diagnosed with both autism and bipolar disorder in my late 20s. I’ve worked hard to manage these diagnoses, but nothing beats therapy. Both conditions are chronic, so you need someone who can help you deal with the long-term. A combination of periods of therapy and good mental health medication has helped to keep the worst symptoms of bipolar at bay and helped me to learn to appreciate my technicolour neurodiverse mind.  

If you’re dealing with something similar or know somebody who is, it would be a good idea to see a counsellor. Therapy isn’t just about supporting your current mental health—it’s also about building resilience against future problems. As we age, our brains change physically and cognitively, so it makes sense that we should constantly reevaluate our self-care routines as well. Everyone needs guidance and support when they're in crisis or facing significant stressors (like losing a job). If we don't take care of ourselves mentally and emotionally we're likely going to end up mentally ill; there's no guarantee that even if you think like somebody without an illness that one won't pop up because of environmental factors such as poverty or an abusive relationship.

How to Choose a Therapist

The first step in getting therapy is choosing a therapist. It’s not as hard as you might think, but there are still some things to consider when looking into private psychiatry. How long has your prospective therapist been practising? Is he or she licensed and insured? A good rule of thumb: Don’t work with someone who isn’t qualified to do so. 

What Should I Expect From Therapy?

Your therapist isn’t there to give you advice but will encourage you to do your own deep thinking about how you can get what you want out of life. Your therapist will help you better understand yourself, other people and different types of relationships. If something in your life doesn’t feel right, therapy can be a safe place to look at why that might be so.

My life now

My life now is stable and good, I get to be creative every single day and my neurodiverse brain is content with life, I have best friends who love me for who I am and appreciate that my honesty will never let them doubt how I feel about them, the world and everything.  Not every day is plain sailing and I realise that I see the world very different from your average neurotypical person but I'm happier now than I have ever been and long may that continue!

A turbulent and troublesome week?

It's 7pm on an average Saturday evening, I'm watching Rocketman (because musicals make me happy) and eating a pork pie, yes, old school Ploughmans, don't worry I'm accompanying it with cucumber and some salted popcorn, I like to mix things up a little. I want to say it's been a turbulent and troublesome week but really it hasn't, mostly it's been filled with adventure and lots of walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  I saw the Kelpies, I went on the Falkirk Wheel, I took myself to the Botanic Gardens and felt happy as I walked, surrounded by nature feeling the sunshine on my skin the weather was colder than normal for this time of year.  

When I travel alone, I don't really get too many pangs of loneliness but I always wish I could share sunsets or beautiful vistas with someone special. It's taken me a long time in my life to find friends, I still struggle with the complexities of friendship, Abigail said to me, and quite rightly, that to be friends with me you have to understand that I see the world in a completely different way to everyone else.  I'd like to try and illustrate that but I can't because I've never lived that ordinary, neurotypical life.  I have wished on more than one occasion to just be like everyone else but no one has that magic wand and over the last couple of years, I've been increasingly interested in just trying to embrace all of my divergences and love myself more.

Look, this is as plainly as I can explain it but, on a good day my life is glorious technicolour, everything is vibrant, food tastes better, flowers smell amazing and I want to sing my way through the day (quite possibly why I love musicals so much).  I am confident that I have so many plans and ideas, and I can truly conquer the world.  On the good days, I am funny and great company to be with.  The flipside however is a dark and lonely place.  On the dark days, I am lonely, I am anxious, everything and everyone is grey, nothing holds any interest to me and I can't concentrate on anything or anyone.  You might assume I don't listen to people, but I'm trying so hard and failing. The flipside of me is a dark chasm, I assume everyone hates me and I'm suspicious of everything.  I have no energy, I eat everything in sight and all I want to do is sleep for days.

That paragraph is perhaps an oversimplification of how my general life works but should you have a spare half hour, please go and watch season 1, episode 3 of Modern Love, Anne Hathaway's interpretation of being a bipolar woman is my life entire.  Of course, I am medicated for that but what I'm not medicated for is the autistic part of my brain and when you put everything together, even with medication I can be a difficult and complicated person to love.

In some ways now, I think if I could just switch off that lonely part of my brain, the Achilles heel, I would do furthermore extraordinary things on my own and I would not worry that I was missing out on the things that neurotypical people enjoy so much.  Like visits to the pub and parties and crowds.  I do like occasional nights in the pub, I love to throw a good party but they all have parameters where I become exhausted and it can take me a week to recover from excessive peopling.

Look, I won't say, it's hard to be me because really, it's hard to be a human, especially this last year, sometimes it's been an emotional battle just to want to go on, to continue to not just give up completely but I am still here.  

It's now Tuesday and I went to bed very early last night because I could not deal with the day or the weekend any longer, I just wanted to sleep and forget, when I am depressed, the bed is my cocoon, sleep is the thing I love most and this morning outside it is gloomy.  The rain is falling and splashing against the window.  The cherry blossom still blooms though, it hangs heavy and abundant in the trees outside my window on the ugly urban estate on which I live, it reminds me that beautiful things still happen even on the darkest of days and as someone once said, what if things aren't falling apart? What if things are just shifting into a better place?

Thanks for reading, today and every day...

Ways to support my writing

If you have enjoyed this article or found it useful and would like to support my writing I'd love a virtual coffee

I also have a lovely Facebook group I'd love you to come and join 

You could also come and follow me on Instagram  keep up with my adventures, I really am grateful for all

of your love and support.

Oh and of course, you could just treat yourself to something lovely from Philomena's Boutique, my gift boutique

which is diverse, sustainable and totally lush!

Why I'll never give up, no matter what life throws at me

This week has not been the best week with regards to my health, if ageing is the cause then I'd quite like a refund, please!  After several more conversations with doctors, my lovely longterm doctor thinks it's probably I have Fibromyalgia, basically, it's a pain syndrome, yes, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "oh that does not sound fun" and you would be right.  It's actually quite possible that I've had it for quite some time as I've had all of the symptoms but they've always been looked at in exclusion rather than as a whole and it's only now because of me going through agony with my neck, head and arms that we finally seem to be coming to the same agreement.  it's a genetic thing and my mother has it and I'll be honest, I think there's a good chance (or actually not good at all) that Iain and Abigail have it as they already have symptoms.

My next step is to see a specialist physiotherapist who'll test my pain points and then depending on the outcome they'll refer me to a rheumatologist and possibly the pain clinic because currently, the neck pain is off the scale and I can't currently find the £600 it would take to make it better with Chiropractic or massage which is what I've done in the past. I'm also thinking of visiting Auris Ear Care.

The point of this blog post isn't to whine or complain though, I mean, I rock a disorder and I'm amazing at syndromes, yes it's another hurdle to get over but you know what?  No one has ever died from Fibromyalgia or Bi-polar or indeed Reynauds (that's all my disorders and syndromes right there, although I think Reynauds may well be a phenomenon).

Yesterday I went to my very first TEDX at Newcastle College, the theme was life finds a way and pretty much it was about health, life, death and mental health, it was one of the most inspiring events I have ever been to and it's only reinforced my ambition to one day give a TED talk.

Death, cancer, mental illness and suicidal ideations, all things which are the end of some and you know what, that is to be completely forgiven.  I have had times in my life where I could have crawled into a corner and never come out or where I thought those dark thoughts and nearly ended everything but in every case, just as in mine, the decision to fight onward, to choose life and to accept the things you can't change, it's those things which were paramount in all of the speakers lives just as in mine.

You see, if you fight against something you can't change, you are just using energy pointlessly, it's the fighting for the things you can change and moving onwards despite the situations, finding some kind of inner strength that you're not sure where it came from, those are the things which inspire other people.  Not only that, those are the things that define you as a person for the rest of your life.

So here I am, some days, the pain is so bad, even the good drugs won't take it away, the searing, burning pain at the base of my neck and feeling like my shoulders are like a giant breeze block because everything is in spasm.  the migraines I wake up with every day, the tingling and pins and needles in my hands, the pains in the centre of my hands which made me question if I was about to experience stigmata...  but am I about to give up?  Hell no, I've come too far for that.  I do have 2 companies to run and I've had to make a few adjustments to my work calendar just until it settles down again, the good thing about flare-ups is that they are exactly that and so I should be back to tip-top form soon enough.

Yes, it's tough that I can only work 1 day at weekends currently but if I look for the positive in that, it's actually pretty lush doing photography one day at weekends and then on a Wednesday because I am absolutely loving what I'm doing, I have the best work-life balance I've ever had and every week I can't wait to get out there again with my camera.

It's funny how things happen I think, I did not know that when I started my garden that I would end up with a haven where I might not be able to do lots of heavy stuff but I can enjoy it, it's reached that point where it's lovely just to sit in and listen to the trickling water fountain and watch the birds as they come and grab some food from our all you can eat bird buffet.

There are so many things to enjoy in life, so many things to be positive about that I refuse to let another disorder, a syndrome or pain destroy the happiness I've worked so hard to find within myself.

Is there any end in sight? The ugly side of Lockdown

Abigail messaged me last night to ask why I'd stopped blogging, she said when she reads my blog, every post is like a letter from the inside of my mind.  I explained that right now, I don't feel like I have any craic at all, my mental health is not the best during this current lockdown and during every day I go through so many emotions that it's hard to just sit down and empty my mind.  I think I lost my blogging mojo sometime around the first lockdown only to get it back when we could travel again and then so swiftly it was taken away again and now here we are, almost locked into our houses, some of us, completely alone, whilst others juggle life/work/kids/marriage.  I don't think anyone has it easy, to be honest, we're all dealing with something.

I've taken to dehydrating fruit this time around, yes, my life, really is that exciting, now I could write a blog all about the joy of dehydrating fruit but it sounds about as exciting as repeatedly sticking pins in my eyes, there's nothing even slightly salacious about a jar of dehydrated grapes, which, by the way, if anyone knows why grapes suddenly change their identities to become raisins during the drying process could you get in touch and tell me, dear reader?

January has no highlights to it, I am in the middle of being divorced (still haven't got my head around that one even though I've been single for over 5 years) my income is scary/hilarious due to having no income.  Well I lie, the boutique on its own doesn't bring in enough, and especially during January when retail is at it's quietest.

No one is booking weddings or photoshoots, I mean, who could blame them, we don't even know what's going to happen next week, never mind in 3 months.  I can't plan for a day of Mother's Day sessions or Easter photoshoots.

There's so much un-fun stuff going on that even I, someone who's good at finding small pockets of joy, have nothing to get excited about, my birthday is coming up and I'm dreading it, Abigail is trapped in Durham (the uni not the prison) and I only get to see Looby once a week.

I try normally to be a paragon of positivity but I'm running on empty, let's just say, I'm glad I won't have a tax bill this year because I'd be paying for it in dried fruit!!

Originally this blogpost was going to be called "Ten ways to survive January" but I gave up after the first two sentences, I do still post a happy or funny thing in my Facebook group every day and it's as much for me as it is for others as I go purposely searching for happy, funny, cute photos and videos, it's a small thing but it's something I guess.

The first lockdown was hard but the sun shone, I taught photography and I spent the rest of the days in the garden, the second was time limited and I knew Abigail was coming home from Uni for Christmas.  This one, well we know there's a vaccine and that's about as much as we do know.  I've heard easing of restrictions being mentioned for mid-February, late February, Easter and then someone the other day said, Oh we'll have restrictions until summer.  Plus every interview you see with an MP, they just say, the NHS is overwhelmed, we can't make plans until that lessens.  Let's not get into the fact that if more financial support had been given over the years to the NHS then this might not have happened.  Let's also take a moment to think about New Zealand, an island, just like us, where they've ended all restrictions, NZ is free of the virus, Jacinta Ardern is the prime-minister we all need.  I would rather have locked down earlier and for longer than be in this current state.

So I'm sorry this isn't a more positive blog and Abigail, when you read this, just know, one of the things getting me through this is the thought of a huge hug with you at the end of lockdown whenever that may be.

Ways to support my writing

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How to survive Christmas if you're on your own

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Surviving Christmas 2020 if you're on your own is admittedly going to be harder than ever, for people who live alone or for many reasons won't see family this year, loneliness threatens to be much worse than ever before.

During the first lockdown, I managed 9 weeks alone but it was sunny and I spent most days in the garden pottering.  This time it's been different, the light levels are awful, it's cold and the twinkliest time of the year reminds us even more so of the people we're really missing right now.

I do have some experience of spending the Christmas holidays alone, I've seen people on odd days but for a while, I thought I'd be completely on my own on Christmas Day this year.  Finally, a couple of weeks ago Abigail and Looby told me they'd be spending Christmas Day with me this year and that's the only Christmas gift I really need.   Still, though, I've had a yearly campaign to end loneliness, not just with the old and frail but for everyone, as no one should be alone at Christmas, I've had an open house for the last few years and it breaks my heart that I cannot offer that this year but I acknowledge that it's just not safe to welcome strangers into my home or even people I know, I don't believe it's okay for us all to abandon the caution like Boris has told us we can, I think that's a recipe for causing the death of your nan if I'm honest and a lockdown in January will be horrific. 

There is great hope, of course, we now have a vaccine in the UK and I'm in the 6th category myself to get vaccinated, I cannot wait, I'll queue for it now if they'll let me!

Christmas Day Alone

Almost certainly for a lot of people, this will be the hardest day to spend alone but there are things you can do.  Sarah Millican has a hashtag on Twitter #joinin and it's for people spending the day alone to just be able to talk, I did tweet last year when I was alone for part of the day and it's a really lovely community feel.

My first thought is that to get you through the day you are going to need treats, so get yourself a box, a hamper, something to put wonderful things in over the next couple of weeks, it could be a book you've wanted to read, a bottle of amazing gin or maybe even a special present like a subscription that brings you treats once a month for the rest of the year, Willies Cacao has a chocolate subscription full of wonder and when I was talking to them about this article and my gift guide they asked if they could send me an example of what you get every month through your letterbox and wowser, it's a load of chocolate so you can spoil yourself throughout the month whilst learning about chocolate.  They'll even send you the tasting notes, maybe when all of this covid nonsense is over you could throw a chocolate tasting party, that's my plan!

another subscription you could try is the Craft Gin club, I mean, who wouldn't want a monthly treat of craft gin with accompaniments, a magazine and all kinds of extras, I've been a member now for 3 months and I look forward to it's magical arrival every month, oh and they even have a special Christmas gin produced in association with Philip Schofield,  you can bet I'm having a bottle of that in my love yourself Christmas hamper. If you sign up with my link you'll get a massive £16 off your first delivery.

Christmas TV

This year it seems the TV channels have pulled out the stops and so the schedule is going to be a bumper one with more people staying at home than ever before and I for one shall be fixed to the sofa for this year's festive Doctor Who with my favourite Captain Jack, I honestly can't wait, I haven't read all of the schedules just yet but I will be heading out very soon to grab my yearly copy of the Christmas Radio Times, it's a yearly tradition since Childhood, you know that Christmas is definitely here when the special Radio Times appears in the shops, I definitely buy it for nostalgic reasons more than anything else as I would never usually buy a hard copy TV guide.

How to survive Christmas 2020 with a mental health issue

I've written previously about how to protect your mental health at Christmas so I'll let you pop over and read that but I still stand by the fact that for me, Christmas is a season, it's not just one day so embracing the whole of December is the best way to enjoy it rather than focusing on the one day, putting all of your hopes, dreams and aspirations into that and then ending up depressed and anxious as I have over the years.  Now I try to embrace each twinkly moment of joy and it really helps.  This doesn't mean, however, that we will manage the whole period unscathed so just know that it's okay not to be okay and that this isn't your whole story, it's just a brief pause before the next wonderful chapter.

Without a doubt, the festive season this year is not going to be the same and I'm so happy that I had the best New Year's Eve last year because there's obviously not going to be any hint of a New Year's Eve party nor indeed my annual Christmas party, honesty, no one is going to have the best Christmas ever this year so please don't let social media fool you that they are.  in many people's lives, they will be mourning the loss of normality or even worse, they'll be mourning the loss of a relative with an empty space at the table so please do not put pressure on yourself, just be kind to yourself as much as you possibly can.

I also want to write about the fact that whilst many will be having Zoom Christmas parties and virtual present openings with their families and friends,  I cannot think of anything worse, I loath the phone, and even more so I hate video calling.  For me, it's in person or nothing and I already have my plan on the Saturday before Christmas to be Santa to all of my friends I can't be with, I'm off to deliver special packages to them all,  I will be using hand sanitiser, masks and I'll be stepping away from the door to a safe distance for them to retrieve their parcels but because for me, spoiling my friends is the best part of Christmas this will mean everything.  I'm making a lot of gifts this year because of the restriction of budget due to covid but that doesn't make them any less special.

From the bottom of the dark chasm

This weekend, everything hit, the world literally fell apart, the news that it's just me and Iain against the world living at home has broken my heart and the news that the new owners of Inspire chose to announce their arrival at pretty much the same time left me wondering just what the point of life was for a while.

But...

By yesterday evening when talking with Iain I said: "you know, nothing more can happen, we have reached the point where things can't actually get worse than they are now so the only way is up."  It seems my life and inner resilience has been there all along just waiting to get me through things like this.

I still can't talk about Inspire, it hurts too much, I took a drastic decision to protect my family and to survive when I was really bloody poorly, well I still am, in many respects, I still have a tumour on my parathyroid that isn't going anywhere and that has a profound effect on my energy levels, on my mental health and how thirsty I constantly feel.  So know that this was something which has happened at breakneck speed but it won't really be over until the summer and maybe then, I'll write that book!

There's also the fact that at some point I'm going to have to apply for Universal Credit and because there are only Iain and I living here, we'll be subject to the bedroom tax.  I can not believe we have come to this place.  I swore when I started my photography business in 2007 that I would never go back on benefits.  Believe me, when I also say that I was thankful that I could claim disability benefits when I was super poorly with my mental health,  we were under a kinder, more socialist type of government then though.

I think like most of us I alternate between moments of utter hysteria to feeling calm because I no longer have to worry about all of my clients and the women I was looking after and nurturing and reassuring every day.  I am still doing that of course, I have a small and wonderful community which I'm building into something new and different which will service the small business community as well as "normal" employed families who are also consumers, it's going to take time and love but I've done it before and I know that I can do it again because...

You can take everything away from a person but you will never replace spirit, love, and most of all authenticity.  You cannot be a fake and last forever, sooner or later you will be called out and whilst I may have my up and down moments and a personality which can be confusing to even myself, I think you all know by now that I only have love in my heart and fire in my belly.

I'm advertising again as a photographer in Newcastle to photograph weddings in 2021/2022 because we have to believe that this will all be over soon, well maybe not soon but I have no doubt that 21/22 will be bumper years for weddings and probably for portraits too as I'm sure many new lives are being created right at this time, new loves are forming and people in extraordinary circumstances are becoming soulmates.

Love always wins, I truly believe that with all of my heart and so I'm supporting decisions which I did not take knowing it's the best action for me, for now, because it makes things hurt less and because deep inside my psyche I still have hope.



If you have read this article I'd love you to buy me a virtual coffee so that I can keep writing until I can resume my life's work as a photographer.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

How to survive lockdown - 8 tips from a former agoraphobic

From around 2004 to 2006ish I had a really bad time with agoraphobia, I'd been attacked in Heaton Park and with already having shaky mental health I just stopped going out. If I did go out I had to have someone with me and it was so bad that I ended up on disability living allowance, finally, in 2007 I got better and went from agoraphobic to a professional photographer, writer and blogger, I found my freedom though I'm still a natural hermit and do have flareups when I get anxious and depressed.  In all of that time when I didn't go out I don't want you to think that it was always awful, yes, sometimes it was but I survived and for the most part, I found my happy right from home.

Lockdown is hard for many of us, it feels so unnatural not to go out, like all of our liberties have been taken away and you might feel like you are losing the plot more than once or twice but I've come up with some tips of things I used to do when I was not the person who I am now.

1. Reading, I used to consume books and magazines, you'll be surprised how much easier it is to read when you have no other distractions.
2. Learn a new skill, my entry into photography was born from me being at home, I used my children who were just wee at the time and I practised on them, the cats, things I found around the home and I taught myself all about this art which later became my whole escape, my healing and my entire life.  Now photography is at the heart of everything I do.
3. Craft - in 2004 I decided to make my own Christmas cards and it lead to me eventually working as a buyer for an online scrapbooking company, it also lead to blogging and I started this blog, my second one, in February 2006.
4. Writing - Now is a great time to start a blog, write a diary,  or get to grips with that book you always wanted to write,  there's literally never been a better time.
5. Cooking - Still, to this day I find that if I am particularly stressed out I cook or bake and it makes me feel more relaxed and less anxious
6. Gardening - the art of gardening, to help to create new life, it's one of the most healing things you will ever do, it doesn't matter how big or small your garden is, creating a space that feels like a haven from the world is more necessary than it's ever been.
7. Redecorating - have some decorating supplies or a list of DIY jobs that you have never got time to do, now is that time, you can create a whole new world for yourself, order supplies online though, don't go to the shops, even if they're open, the point here is to stay at home.
8. Planning, there's never been a better time to plan ahead, book that future holiday, schedule your wedding for 2021/2022, make a list of all of the places you want to visit when you can get outdoors, looking to the future is the most positive thing you can do.

You'll notice from this list that it's all about creating things or planning things and growing things, they're all positive actions which will help your health, your mental health and directly, how happy and content that you feel about life. I, myself have had a very tumultuous time in work, life and business lately and I'm hanging onto my sanity by my nail ends but I believe my inner resilience will kick in when I do all of these things.  I guess we have to find our groove and we have to get through the part where you kind of go stir crazy, it takes a few weeks but as we get further and further into this, you will find it easier as the human brain adapts to its situations remarkably well.

Also, remember that whilst we are indoors, we are quite literally saving the world and not only that, we're actually healing the world from all of the bad things that have happened to it, maybe we're lessening the effects of climate change as well as actively stopping a virus which is indiscriminate and kills our favourite people.

By staying at home, it is possible to thrive more than survive so hang on in there because your time is coming I promise.

If you've loved this article or got any value from it, I would love you to buy me a virtual coffee 

How to beat the January Blues Forever

At some point during the festive season, it's not unknown to wake up with a sudden feeling of anxiety or just feeling out of sorts, blue or weepy. January is like the evil twin of Christmas, it's the antithesis to joy, it's the return to routine, the return to boring food, messages in the media that we're not enough and failed resolutions. Here's the thing though, maybe it's Christmas which has a dark side, we're convinced we should eat all of the wrong foods, we're lulled into thinking it's better to be indoors for days at a time and even worse, sometimes with the most toxic people you've ever known (aka family).

I'm trying to love January more, I'm resetting my body today with some chicken, brown rice and green vegetables, it will taste healthy and I will curse the fact I'm not eating cake approximately 23 times but I made a promise to myself and to my liver consultant that I would lose at least 10% of my body weight before I see her again at the end of March, It's probably going to be a big ask to have gotten that far but I'm willing to give it a try. A few friends are joining me on the "Grumpy Girl's Lifestyle". We called it that because we'll be super grumpy if anyone asks if we're on a diet when we're actually just on a quest to change our lives and maybe you can join in too?

The concept is simple, get outdoors more, up your exercise, we're not talking Mo Farrah type marathons just moving a bit more. When it comes to food, something I struggle with because I love carbs and cake, it's just about cutting down a little, especially on cake and carbs, I've done it before and I know I have the power to do it again. I'm not going mad though, I'm not going on any crazy cleanse plans or doing sugar-free (which worked but wasn't at all sustainable on the long term). I'm just having a word with myself and generally trying to be a little more restrained than my festive self when we all say "Ah, sod it, it's Christmas" (for at least 3 months in my case).

Routine isn't a bad thing either, I go back to work on Tuesday and although my office isn't actually that far away from my bed I am making it my own personal resolution to get dressed every day, preferably before lunch as I'll be honest, Holly Bobbins also prefers an earlier morning walk before she gets down to the serious business of snoozing, beagle style. My mental health and anxiety can generally be at it's worst over the winter with the lack of light and the quietness of my photography business but I've decided that this year I'll enjoy the slower pace of life and I shall try to get outdoors as often as possible as being out in nature, once I actually force myself out of the cosy warmth of my house, is actually really good for me and more importantly for my mind. When I went into the festive season this year I was dreading it, I thought I would crash, burn and have an awful time but for some reason, I really enjoyed all that entailed and even had my best New Years Eve I can ever remember and my first without any alcohol at all, in the past, I've tried to endure alcohol but given that it feels like poison the moment I have 1 sip, this year I probably had 1 bottle of Champagne across the whole of the festive season and I'm happy with that, I am happy being a non-drinker! Whatever plans you have this year or however blue you're feeling right now try to remember that routine isn't a bad thing, the good foods are actually the bad foods in disguise and more than anything else, that you are good enough, you are always good enough, even if you don't believe that you are. Here's to 2020 and just being the same but better!

Surviving Christmas, mental health in the festive season

Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year, the magic, the promise... The general overwhelm, the anxiety, welcome to Christmas with a mental health challenge.

Christmas isn't just one day anymore, it starts in October and runs through to January, the festive period is more like a festive quarter now.  Don't get me wrong, I am the Northern answer to Mrs Christmas having developed my love of all things festive over many a year but as someone with bipolar, anxiety and who is on the autistic spectrum, Christmas can be a tricky time.  I cry more at Christmas than at any other time of the year because my emotions are heightened to stratospheric levels.  Charity adverts, small children doing sign language to Christmas carols, brass bands, they're my niche triggers, they may sound amusing but when you find yourself sobbing your heart out because of the latest Dogs Trust advert, it's really not that funny. 

Over the years I've written a few articles about managing your Christmas mental health and really I do practice all of the things I mention but I still find the whole period a challenge.  This year I was due to be on my own on Christmas Day because I didn't want to bother anyone else with my depression and I acknowledged that the potential of spending my first Christmas alone would be overwhelming but I've since said I'll go out with Harriet and her parents, people who thankfully have no expectations of me.

Good self-care is the most important thing with any kind of mental health challenge, I know from other bipolar friends how much our sleeping patterns can be disturbed by this time of year even when on the outside we might feel okay, last night, for example, I went to bed at 10, was awake between 1 and 2.30 and then I managed to sleep until half seven which is pretty good in comparison to previous years where I've ended up with mild hypomania and barely slept for the last couple of weeks before Christmas.

There is no easy way to deal with Christmas, all you can do is take precautions so if there's a family relationship that's troubling don't go and spend time in that situation.  If you are lonely, try and accept company and really, I know how much easier it is to just shut yourself away but that's kind of counterintuitive.

Next year I need to work on my current state of self-loathing, I need to work on changing my body and my mind, this year hasn't been the easiest with health issues I still haven't got to the bottom of but I plan to overhaul my life and my body come January when the cheeseboard season is over.

In just over 2 weeks time we get a whole new year, a whole new decade and jeez, I hope it's gentler than the last one, I do know one thing though, at least I have my freedom now, something 10 years ago it was still so far away it would take me another 5 years to escape to, it's cost me a lot, in some cases it's cost me everything but I'd never give it up again.

This year, let's celebrate the build up to Christmas

Last year, I wrote this article about why I don't like Christmas anymore, what quickly transpired was that whilst Christmas Day makes me depressed, I do still love pre-Christmas, the build-up. in the weeks before.  I've since asked questions to people, I've listened to answers and it seems I'm not alone.

Most people don't actually think very much of Christmas Day, we're either spending it with difficult family members we can't wait to get away from or we're on our own and maybe lonely with no one to celebrate with.  For several very good reasons, Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year for many, including me, the self-declared queen of all things Christmas.  Let's just take a moment to think about that though, not the queen of Christmas Day, the queen of all things Christmas.

I love pre-Christmas, once Looby has had her birthday on the 25th September I can think of nothing else, I read all the magazines, I write lists, I shop, I Pinterest, every single detail is meticulously planned.  I guess it's that which I find most magical of all.  For instance, I throw a Christmas party every year and that's probably the most exciting event of my year, it's always a riot and now one leaves without being well-fed, and usually a little tipsy.  In all probability, I think it's that experience which I crave as the best Christmas Day ever.

Maybe I peak too soon, by the time we get to Christmas Day I've watched 100's of Hallmark Christmas movies,  I've watched every single Christmas TV special I can get my hands on and then you get to Christmas Day and you don't want to watch anymore trimming the tree or snowfall at midnight on Christmas Day, all you have left is a pile of sprouts and nothing to look forward to other than a long hard winter and your annual tax return.

I have an idea though, why don't we just enjoy all of the Christmas build-up for as long as we possibly can, as a friend of mine said in a video the other day "Anyone who's seriously triggered by someone putting a Christmas tree up early needs to take a long, hard look at themselves".

My suggestion for this year is to go to all of the festive markets you can, go and hug as many Santa's as you can irrespective of how old you are.  Dance with elves, go down the festive helter-skelter.  Drink egg nog or mulled wine, make the biggest and best hot chocolates you can, toast marshmallows, squirt canned cream into your mouth.  If it snows make snowmen, have snowball fights, go sledging.  Imagine you are the real-life personification of Buddy the Elf.

My theory here is that by the time it actually get's to Christmas Day that you will be so worn out with all of the Christmas activity that you will be able to sleep the day away or you just won't care anymore and will happily sit on your own with a selection box in front of the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special.  Here's hoping anyway!