Let’s talk about that delightful little brain trick where the second you feel even slightly sad, you go full Sherlock Holmes on yourself trying to figure out whether it’s just a down day or the start of another trip down the depression mine shaft. Spoiler alert: there are no clear signs. No flashing neon that says “This is fine” or “Welcome back to the void.” Just vibes. And not the good kind.

This week? The vibes have been terrible.

It started with one thing—one stupid little thing—toppling. And like any good neurodivergent woman, my brain took that as an excuse to spiral into a full symphony of what ifs, what now, and oh god not again.

Because here’s the truth: when you’re autistic and life loses its comforting sense of constancy, your mental health is usually the first to file for divorce. We like stability. We like the known. We do not enjoy surprise plot twists. Especially the ones that come without commercial breaks or a warning at the top that says “this episode contains scenes of emotional peril.”

I’ve done all the things this week. Manifested like a woman possessed. Hugged my cats like they were emotional support therapy cushions (because they are). I’ve sipped ceremonial matcha and whispered sweet nothings to the universe while wondering if my brain is quietly sabotaging me behind my back.

Because once you’ve had depression—proper depression—you don’t just feel sad anymore. You interrogate the sadness. Is this depression again? Is this hormones? Is it burnout? Is it because Mercury’s retrograde and I haven’t saged my living room recently? Or am I just reacting normally to circumstances that are, in fact, a bit shit?

The answer, unfortunately, is probably “all of the above.”

And layered on top of that is the charming internalised monologue of my mother telling me I was born to make people unhappy and ruin lives. Lovely stuff. Really puts a bow on the whole experience.

So yes, I’ve spent too much time thinking this week. I’ve tried to soft life my way out of it with cosy corners and scented candles. I’ve tried to remind myself that just because I feel low doesn’t mean I’m doomed. But there's still a niggling fear at the back of my mind that happiness isn’t for people like me. That maybe I manifested too hard and the universe’s returns policy has kicked in.

But I’m still here. And if you are too—reading this, nodding along, wondering if you’re the only one panic-checking your mental health status every time your mood drops—then please know you’re not alone.

We’re not broken. We’re just human. Neurospicy, overthinking, cat-hugging humans trying our best to get through the week without crying on the bus.

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🔗 Soft Life Tools for When You're Falling Apart (But Aesthetically)

• Ceremonial Matcha Powder – The one I actually like, because no one needs bitter grass water when they’re already emotionally fragile.

• Milk Frother/Hot Chocolate Maker – For people who want barista energy without the burnout.

• Scented Wax Melts from the Northumberland Candle Co. – I call this one 'Emotional Stability in Scent Form'.

• Weighted Blanket – Like a hug, but from capitalism.

🧠 Neurodivergent Comforts

• Noise-Cancelling Headphones – Block out the world and listen to rain sounds while pretending you have it all together.

• Sensory/Fidget Tools – For when you need something to do with your hands besides doomscroll.

• Books That Soothe the Chaos Brain – Gentle reads for existential dread.

❤️ Mental Health Resources

• Mind UK – Coping with Depression

• Autistica – Mental Health in Autism

• The Blurt Foundation

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If you're someone who's been googling "how to know if you're depressed again" or "how to stop overthinking everything at 3am", welcome. You're in good company. This blog is filled with soft life comforts, neurodivergent tools, and tiny hacks that sometimes (just sometimes) help stop the spiralling. You’ll find my favourite matcha, the only wax melt that smells like emotional stability, and the cat-approved blanket I basically live under when life gets a bit much.

The Greatest Lie We Tell Ourselves

 

The greatest lie we tell ourselves? “Just one more thing, and life will be perfect.”

For years, I believed if I just had more money, I’d finally be happy. Or if I could just be thinner, everything would magically fall into place. Spoiler: I got richer. I got thinner. And guess what? My mental health still packed its bags and went on a little holiday without me.

Here’s the reality when you live with chronic mental health issues: there’s no magic fix. No scented candle strong enough, no bubble bath deep enough, no vision board powerful enough to chemically rewire your brain. Even with medication, self-care rituals, and my best attempts at being positive (insert slightly sarcastic jazz hands here), there are still days when my mind decides to take me on a journey I absolutely did not sign up for.

Yesterday, for example, my health anxiety took me straight to “You’re definitely having a heart attack and going to die before lunchtime”—a direct route from mild discomfort to full existential crisis in under five minutes. My anxious brain doesn’t do maths properly; it takes two and two and somehow makes six… and then throws in a bonus catastrophe for fun.

And here’s where it gets complicated. I long for a peaceful life where nothing changes and everything feels safe and predictable. But also? I would hate that. Give me the gentle pace, but please don’t tell me exactly what’s around the corner. This is the neurodivergent contradiction I live with every single day. ADHD and autism together mean my brain departments aren’t exactly… collaborating. It’s less a high-functioning office and more a chaotic open-plan nightmare where everyone’s shouting and no one’s sent the memo.

So, we take it one day at a time. Some days the world feels like it’s falling down around us. But even on those days, we have to remind ourselves—this isn’t the end of the story. Tomorrow is still waiting. And while I’m under no illusion that I’ll live to 101 (though wouldn’t that be a dramatic plot twist?), I can try to make peace with the life I have now.

Some days will be a write-off. And that’s okay. On those days, be kind to yourself. Sit under the blanket. Re-watch your favourite comfort film for the fifteenth time. Eat the snack. Ignore the productivity police in your head.

Because here’s the hard truth—they’ll replace you at work before you’re even cold. You are entirely replaceable to them. But to you? You’re irreplaceable. You’re all you’ve got.

So fill your own cup first. Love yourself like you’re the most important person in the room—because you are.

I love you. And I hope—truly—that you are loved. But even if the world feels quiet today, remember this: you are enough.

A turbulent and troublesome week?

It's 7pm on an average Saturday evening, I'm watching Rocketman (because musicals make me happy) and eating a pork pie, yes, old school Ploughmans, don't worry I'm accompanying it with cucumber and some salted popcorn, I like to mix things up a little. I want to say it's been a turbulent and troublesome week but really it hasn't, mostly it's been filled with adventure and lots of walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  I saw the Kelpies, I went on the Falkirk Wheel, I took myself to the Botanic Gardens and felt happy as I walked, surrounded by nature feeling the sunshine on my skin the weather was colder than normal for this time of year.  

When I travel alone, I don't really get too many pangs of loneliness but I always wish I could share sunsets or beautiful vistas with someone special. It's taken me a long time in my life to find friends, I still struggle with the complexities of friendship, Abigail said to me, and quite rightly, that to be friends with me you have to understand that I see the world in a completely different way to everyone else.  I'd like to try and illustrate that but I can't because I've never lived that ordinary, neurotypical life.  I have wished on more than one occasion to just be like everyone else but no one has that magic wand and over the last couple of years, I've been increasingly interested in just trying to embrace all of my divergences and love myself more.

Look, this is as plainly as I can explain it but, on a good day my life is glorious technicolour, everything is vibrant, food tastes better, flowers smell amazing and I want to sing my way through the day (quite possibly why I love musicals so much).  I am confident that I have so many plans and ideas, and I can truly conquer the world.  On the good days, I am funny and great company to be with.  The flipside however is a dark and lonely place.  On the dark days, I am lonely, I am anxious, everything and everyone is grey, nothing holds any interest to me and I can't concentrate on anything or anyone.  You might assume I don't listen to people, but I'm trying so hard and failing. The flipside of me is a dark chasm, I assume everyone hates me and I'm suspicious of everything.  I have no energy, I eat everything in sight and all I want to do is sleep for days.

That paragraph is perhaps an oversimplification of how my general life works but should you have a spare half hour, please go and watch season 1, episode 3 of Modern Love, Anne Hathaway's interpretation of being a bipolar woman is my life entire.  Of course, I am medicated for that but what I'm not medicated for is the autistic part of my brain and when you put everything together, even with medication I can be a difficult and complicated person to love.

In some ways now, I think if I could just switch off that lonely part of my brain, the Achilles heel, I would do furthermore extraordinary things on my own and I would not worry that I was missing out on the things that neurotypical people enjoy so much.  Like visits to the pub and parties and crowds.  I do like occasional nights in the pub, I love to throw a good party but they all have parameters where I become exhausted and it can take me a week to recover from excessive peopling.

Look, I won't say, it's hard to be me because really, it's hard to be a human, especially this last year, sometimes it's been an emotional battle just to want to go on, to continue to not just give up completely but I am still here.  

It's now Tuesday and I went to bed very early last night because I could not deal with the day or the weekend any longer, I just wanted to sleep and forget, when I am depressed, the bed is my cocoon, sleep is the thing I love most and this morning outside it is gloomy.  The rain is falling and splashing against the window.  The cherry blossom still blooms though, it hangs heavy and abundant in the trees outside my window on the ugly urban estate on which I live, it reminds me that beautiful things still happen even on the darkest of days and as someone once said, what if things aren't falling apart? What if things are just shifting into a better place?

Thanks for reading, today and every day...

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I am everything and I am nothing - A Post for World Mental Health Day 2018

Today is World Mental Health Day, a day when we raise awareness and understanding of mental health and I personally believe we've made more progress in the last 10 years than ever before.  The first news article I was featured in talking about bipolar caused me to lose business but now more than ever most people I know, clients, family, friends, pretty much all of them are aware of the personal battles I continue to fight, they also know it doesn't make me a worse person in business or in my personal life.  Because I have the ability to talk about my own issues in a public forum it also helps to create an understanding that I am who I say I am and if I'm not doing so well I will let people know, that's actually part of my own self care.

Bipolar, severe anxiety, agoraphobic thoughts, social anxiety, autistic traits, that's how you could describe me and I'd own every single thing because I'm also brilliant, slightly eccentric, a business woman, a mum, a friend, an entrepreneur, I own 2 companies and one beagle, I laugh, I cry, I love, I feel, I am everything and I am nothing all at the same time.

On days when I'm on top form, I am great at making money, I am fantastic at coming up with new ideas, I can speak in public passionately without any fear, heck I can even do a spot on the radio.

On the bad days, I worry about everything, I overthink everything, I'm scared of the world, I'm terrified of people and I'm paranoid that every single person out there hates me, I dread opening emails, I can't pick up the phone and I want to hide from the world forever without ever having to think about the simplest things like cooking or getting dressed or even getting out of bed.

I favour the good days over the bad although I have no choice which is going to hit me, sometimes it's situations I can't handle, sometimes it's work stress but sometimes it's none of that, sometimes I just feel so very very lost and completely lonely and the worst thing, those are the times when I have trouble reaching out and asking for help, the crazy upside down life of mental illness is that the more poorly you become, the more you feel trapped, that's when it's hardest.

I'm lucky, on the neurosis to psychosis scale I've never tripped into anything near psychosis since 2003 and I hope I never do again because that's when it's a quagmire, that's when you feel you are trapped at the bottom of a well with no way of escape.

I write about this stuff because there are others out there who can't, there are people who still don't feel they have the strength to talk about this stuff or they feel if they do it will affect their jobs or the lives they lead and in some cases we do have a way to go in the workplace understanding the effects of mental illness.

Today, I'm okay, I'm fighting a battle at the moment but it's not affecting my work at all and when I'm not at work I get to sleep lots, I don't go out very often but on the self care scale, I'm so much better than I could be.  I'm still funny and make people laugh, I can still have deep and meaningful conversations with friends and family and spending less time going out I have reacquainted myself with my love of cooking and baking, I try to turn each negative into a positive and one day I'll win again, I know I will and if you're in a similar place, if you understand what I'm saying and you feel it too, one day you will be fine too, with help and love and treatment and understanding.  Just don't sit there in silence, reach out to a friend, a mental health professional or there's always a listening ear here with me.

And when you can, continue to burn light the brilliant, bright burning star that you are.

An Angry Rant About Deliveroo

Now I'm not someone who gets angry about things, usually, I get a little sad and disappointed but what's happened tonight with Deliveroo has me more than irked, if I was an average Joe in the street I reckon I'd be apoplectic with rage right now.

You see, there are so many issues with Deliveroo but my son deserved a little treat and Deliveroo was what he requested.  This is the first takeaway we've had for months so I was quite excited

So in case you've lived under a rock, you'll know that Iain has Aspergers, this means he has a restricted diet and likes things the way he likes them, tonight he said he fancied a Byron Burger, so we ordered, except there was no option to remove the various sauces so I emailed and got a reply that because they were so busy I needed to start a live chat, I did that and requested the changes and 25 minutes later our burgers arrived....Cold!

The burgers were cold, inedible and had extraneous Gherkins in the box even though I'd requested no extraneous items, you can't imagine the meltdowns this kind of thing has caused, I know to you and I it might be a small thing but to someone with autism, it's a whole lot more serious.

I contacted Deliveroo and spoke to Ramil, I explained the situation and requested replacements, preferably hot ones, I told him if we were in the restaurant I would have sent them back without question and I rarely complain in restaurants.  Ramil said that he couldn't get replacements as the restaurant were not responding so we could have credit which would expire in 3 months or a refund but that takes 3 days, as Iain was still without food I requested the credit and then we started all over again.  

So this time we ordered from Iain's favourite restaurant, Wagamama, he loves Cha Han with no mushroom, mange tout or spring onion but there was no option or notes section so we could request that so I had to order and then go back into live chat again, this time Abylane was on hand but he said "It's just as well I got through to the restaurant before they started cooking"  now hang on a minute, there's no way for me to order and request changes before I pay so what the heck am I supposed to do?  I mentioned this and he suggested that I should speak to the restaurant direct which rather negates the point of Deliveroo who are supposed to coordinate everything for hassle free delivery of restaurant quality food!

At this point I requested to speak to a manager but was told I'd have to email the support address and would have to explain everything again step by step, he then left the conversation after I rated him as unhelpful.

So, the Wagamama order turns up for Iain, Holly is a happy puppy as she's had cold burgers and I'd given up on eating or reordering anything,  Iain removed the lid from his Cha Han and guess what? Yes, after 2 conversations where I'd asked for no mange tout, it had mange tout in it, seriously all Abylane had to do was copy and paste my request or read it to them over the phone, I could start a new chat but my life is too short for this.

Deliveroo, should you wish to get in touch for a chat please email me at mandy@mandycharltonphotography.com

Next time I think we'll just brave the weather and go for decent burgers at The Grind!