Abigail messaged me last night to ask why I'd stopped blogging, she said when she reads my blog, every post is like a letter from the inside of my mind.  I explained that right now, I don't feel like I have any craic at all, my mental health is not the best during this current lockdown and during every day I go through so many emotions that it's hard to just sit down and empty my mind.  I think I lost my blogging mojo sometime around the first lockdown only to get it back when we could travel again and then so swiftly it was taken away again and now here we are, almost locked into our houses, some of us, completely alone, whilst others juggle life/work/kids/marriage.  I don't think anyone has it easy, to be honest, we're all dealing with something.

I've taken to dehydrating fruit this time around, yes, my life, really is that exciting, now I could write a blog all about the joy of dehydrating fruit but it sounds about as exciting as repeatedly sticking pins in my eyes, there's nothing even slightly salacious about a jar of dehydrated grapes, which, by the way, if anyone knows why grapes suddenly change their identities to become raisins during the drying process could you get in touch and tell me, dear reader?

January has no highlights to it, I am in the middle of being divorced (still haven't got my head around that one even though I've been single for over 5 years) my income is scary/hilarious due to having no income.  Well I lie, the boutique on its own doesn't bring in enough, and especially during January when retail is at it's quietest.

No one is booking weddings or photoshoots, I mean, who could blame them, we don't even know what's going to happen next week, never mind in 3 months.  I can't plan for a day of Mother's Day sessions or Easter photoshoots.

There's so much un-fun stuff going on that even I, someone who's good at finding small pockets of joy, have nothing to get excited about, my birthday is coming up and I'm dreading it, Abigail is trapped in Durham (the uni not the prison) and I only get to see Looby once a week.

I try normally to be a paragon of positivity but I'm running on empty, let's just say, I'm glad I won't have a tax bill this year because I'd be paying for it in dried fruit!!

Originally this blogpost was going to be called "Ten ways to survive January" but I gave up after the first two sentences, I do still post a happy or funny thing in my Facebook group every day and it's as much for me as it is for others as I go purposely searching for happy, funny, cute photos and videos, it's a small thing but it's something I guess.

The first lockdown was hard but the sun shone, I taught photography and I spent the rest of the days in the garden, the second was time limited and I knew Abigail was coming home from Uni for Christmas.  This one, well we know there's a vaccine and that's about as much as we do know.  I've heard easing of restrictions being mentioned for mid-February, late February, Easter and then someone the other day said, Oh we'll have restrictions until summer.  Plus every interview you see with an MP, they just say, the NHS is overwhelmed, we can't make plans until that lessens.  Let's not get into the fact that if more financial support had been given over the years to the NHS then this might not have happened.  Let's also take a moment to think about New Zealand, an island, just like us, where they've ended all restrictions, NZ is free of the virus, Jacinta Ardern is the prime-minister we all need.  I would rather have locked down earlier and for longer than be in this current state.

So I'm sorry this isn't a more positive blog and Abigail, when you read this, just know, one of the things getting me through this is the thought of a huge hug with you at the end of lockdown whenever that may be.

Ways to support my writing

If you have enjoyed this article or found it useful and would like to support my writing I'd love a virtual coffee

I also have a lovely Facebook group I'd love you to come and join 

You could also come and follow me on Instagram to keep up with my adventures, I really am grateful for all

of your love and support.

Oh and of course, you could just treat yourself to something lovely from Philomena's Boutique, my gift boutique

which is diverse, sustainable and totally lush!

The 8 positives of Lockdown

It may sound weird to say that there have been some positives to lockdown but aside from missing people, the financial worries and rising anxiety which comes and goes, I have to say that there are definite positives.

1. I've rescued some relationships I thought were gone forever and I'm so thankful for that.
2. I've had time to start teaching kids the wonder of creative photography.
3. I've started a brand new business, Planty Mandy's Gardening Gang, something I wanted to do last year but just never had the time.
4. I've spent so much time tending to my garden, sowing seeds, planting things and watching the plants grow.
5. I've sat in the sunshine every day and felt the warmth on my face and every day I do that, I feel less anxious and better about life.
6. I've embraced cooking and baking like never before, you can tell that from my ever-extending waistline.
7. I've wandered with Holly Bobbins not worrying about the time it takes (she's very slow) and enjoyed our gentle walks observing nature and the wonder of spring.
8. I've reacquainted myself with the enjoyment of a glass of good wine, I couldn't drink alcohol from around 2011, I was completely intolerant and it turned out when they took me off bendroflumethiazide that it was that medication which made me intolerant.  Hurrah for wine and gin and an Aperol spritz in the sunshine. 

Now please don't think I'm being glib or that I'm not empathetic to the pains of lockdown, I've had anxiety at least once or twice a day and some days the lockdown malaise is so bad that I simply don't have the energy to do anything.  The thing is though, I'm a perpetual optimist, I live on the bright side of things.  For instance, some of my favourite restaurants are now doing great organic grocery deliveries, bakers are doing treat boxes and you can get most things delivered straight to your door, which is handy, if like me, you're in the increased risk category.

There's so much talk about ending lockdown, about saving the economy and it just doesn't sit well with me, even though I'm out of work I'd always favour saving lives over saving the economy.  For me, I want lockdown to end, when it's safe to end, even if that means setting free our young people whilst I languish in lockdown for just that little bit longer, better to do that than die and that's pretty much our choices at present.  I won't feel safe until the day I can access an antibody test that confirms that yes I've had Coronavirus and yes I have antibodies.  It seems for the latter part though, we still don't know just how much immunity the antibodies will gift us and that's anxiety-inducing too.

Last year I had an idea to start a subscription gardening club for children, I wanted to teach them how cool it is to grow your own plants and flowers whilst also learning about just how amazing wildlife and nature is, the bees are like the rockstars of the insect world and I will wax lyrical about that as often as I can.  Would I have launched Planty Mandy's Gardening Gang if we hadn't had lockdown?  Maybe, but I was always too busy.  Having no business to worry about has certainly been a boon at times.  In less than a week I have broadcast my first episode, I have set up a Facebook page and I have ordered all of the elements for the very first gardening gang boxes, including the boxes, thankfully it's all tax-deductible and good use of what little savings I had.  The gardening gang won't replace photography because I'll always be a photographer and really, having good photography skills is very helpful for such a business.

Quite simply I'm putting all of my passions together and starting something wonderful, it's unlikely to make a million but if it enthuses small children to save the bees and care about the wildlife then saving the world is much bigger than anything that financial gain could provide.  It does also help that I ran a membership site for the last couple of years so I've gained a lot of skills in that area.

I feel quite confident about the future, about my future and the future for us all, it might be bumpy but it can still be truly wonderful, as many have said, this too shall pass.

If you have enjoyed this article, I would love your support in buying me a virtual coffee ko-fi.com/mandycharlton for every person who supports me before May 7th I am entering them into a draw to win a 12x8 print of beautiful Newcastle, I have over 25 prints to give away so you have a really high chance of getting one of your walls.  Thank you!

How Lockdown is Helping me Move on With my Life

Coronavirus and Lockdown have changed the world, probably forever, I don't think for one moment that the world will ever go back to the way that it was previously and for all of the bad stuff that's happened, I've personally found that Lockdown has helped me to move on with my life.

Lockdown gives you a lot of time to think, the emotions we feel are so much stronger and I've been at the point of a mental health meltdown once or twice, those times when having a friend hug you and make you a cup of tea would have eased the pain but with no one there, you're left to your own thoughts and feel yourself slipping further and further into the abyss.  I spoke to a mental health worker fairly early on when I thought I was losing my mind and their reassurance that it wasn't a "me" problem but a whole world problem still carries me forward during the darkest days.

Losing 2 businesses almost overnight was nearly impossible but having had time to think and understand I know now that it was time to walk away from the one which had negatively impacted on my health and overwhelmed my mental health for so long.  When you spend each day trying to look after thousands of people it can be all-consuming so over the last few weeks I've learned to appreciate the joy and freedom that is time and space.  For the first time, I actually got closure with no chance of return and I will admit that I went on a spree blocking on mass not just on social media but also email addresses, newsletters, Facebook pages.  I wanted to be completely free and now, that I am.

The closure of my photography business was harder to stomach but over the last few weeks I have turned my attention to teaching children the joy of creative photography and now I'm going one further and have my first zoom chat with a marketing organisation on Wednesday to teach them how to make better images with their smartphones.  I've also completely redesigned my offerings to training aspiring professional photographers and I really feel the future is bright.  I've decided that I want to offer more photography tuition for kids and adults.  I know I have so much to offer after 13 years running multiple businesses, all of which had great imagery at the heart of them.

Some things have not changed, I have always been and will always be a photographer, I live my life creating images for myself and others, my main subjects may currently be my pets but the principles are much the same and I may only be using my smartphone but I reckon after 13 years I deserve a little holiday from my big camera, anyone who's ever seen my wedding claw the day after I shoot a big wedding would attest to that as would other professional photographers!

I think more than anything the time and space for self-development has never been more optimum, I'm not suggesting you learn a new language or write a book but if anything you can cleanse your life, your inbox, give yourself closure from painful things and difficult situations and more than that, maybe if you get one thing from all of this, it's to learn to be kinder to yourself.

By the time we made it to the weekend, I'd even managed to take a couple of photographs of myself that I didn't filter and I didn't hate and at the tender age of 46,  I didn't even hate my face so much, although, let's not talk about the bushy eyebrows.  The truth is, and this is the message, I've had such a battle with myself for years, I've been angry, I've been anxious, I've stressed myself out because of the bad relationship I've had with myself so if Coronavirus and Lockdown have given me one thing, it's that I love myself a little more and I can't ever see that changing again.

If you have enjoyed this article or had some value from it, I would really appreciate a virtual coffee ko-fi.com/mandycharlton

How I'm trying to get through lockdown one day at a time

When lockdown began I thought I would be okay because I would just write my way out of it, I would blog every single day and I would regale you with the tales from the voices inside my head, 3 weeks in and I've realised that I can't write every day as I just don't have enough things to talk about without becoming ranty and wisened and honestly, it's enough just to get through the day without punching myself in the face and not having a giant meltdown right now!

The truth is, and I honestly believe this, you just need to do, whatever you need to do, to get through this.  It's an extremely challenging time and berating yourself for not learning a new language or baking banana bread every day just isn't going to help.  I know some will flourish and will come out of this with a whole new skill set but I don't think we should be judging people who are struggling or people who manage to sit on the settee and just watch box sets every day.

Mental health issues are at an all-time high, being caged and trapped at home just isn't good for humans who, like plants, need food, water and sunshine to flourish and I'm truly thankful I get to take Holly Bobbins for a daily stroll, sometimes we head to the park or sometimes we just ramble around our estate whilst I turn it into a giant hide and seek game, I hide and then she runs, if she spots me, she stops so it's great exercise for her and she's doing really well.

One brilliant thing I have done is get a group of talented friends to help me turn my pre-existing Facebook group, Secret Superheroes Club into a place where every day we have a live photography challenge as well as having science, music and even storytime, it's truly a wonderful place with so much love and potential and I think, although I'm biased, it's one of the loveliest Facebook groups for parents and their children to spend their time.

if you are in business and particularly my self-employed friends who run small and micro-businesses just know that I am with you in spirit and I'm empathising with you that we're trapped in the most difficult financial circumstances and to anyone who says that we should have had savings, I had a buffer, it got me through a quiet December, January and February just as I was about to resume my usually busy business in March, this couldn't have happened at a worse time but really, I don't think there was ever going to be a good one.

The truth is, I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss being around people and I'm just taking things one day at a time to get through this, some days I feel really positive, sometimes I laugh and I drink wine in the evenings, sometimes I bake and I cook every day and then there are the times when I cry, when I get so anxious I feel like I'm having a panic attack, there are the times I worry not only for my own mental health but for every one of us.

Taking things one day at a time is my considered approach to self-care and that comes from such a long time of living with chronic mental health and health problems.  So let's just do what we can, smile when we can and cry if we need to, really there's no shame in this and if there's anything I can say which I think can be of solace, it's that, every day we spend without each other, is a day closer to the time when we'll all see each other again, when we'll hug and laugh and maybe get a little tipsy and we'll remember just how wonderful our friends and family really are.

If you've enjoyed reading this article or had some value or maybe it's even just helped you get through the last 5 minutes, I'd love your support in buying me a virtual coffee so I can continue to write and so that I have a business to go back to when all of this is over.  Thank you so much to all who have supported me so far.

From the bottom of the dark chasm

This weekend, everything hit, the world literally fell apart, the news that it's just me and Iain against the world living at home has broken my heart and the news that the new owners of Inspire chose to announce their arrival at pretty much the same time left me wondering just what the point of life was for a while.

But...

By yesterday evening when talking with Iain I said: "you know, nothing more can happen, we have reached the point where things can't actually get worse than they are now so the only way is up."  It seems my life and inner resilience has been there all along just waiting to get me through things like this.

I still can't talk about Inspire, it hurts too much, I took a drastic decision to protect my family and to survive when I was really bloody poorly, well I still am, in many respects, I still have a tumour on my parathyroid that isn't going anywhere and that has a profound effect on my energy levels, on my mental health and how thirsty I constantly feel.  So know that this was something which has happened at breakneck speed but it won't really be over until the summer and maybe then, I'll write that book!

There's also the fact that at some point I'm going to have to apply for Universal Credit and because there are only Iain and I living here, we'll be subject to the bedroom tax.  I can not believe we have come to this place.  I swore when I started my photography business in 2007 that I would never go back on benefits.  Believe me, when I also say that I was thankful that I could claim disability benefits when I was super poorly with my mental health,  we were under a kinder, more socialist type of government then though.

I think like most of us I alternate between moments of utter hysteria to feeling calm because I no longer have to worry about all of my clients and the women I was looking after and nurturing and reassuring every day.  I am still doing that of course, I have a small and wonderful community which I'm building into something new and different which will service the small business community as well as "normal" employed families who are also consumers, it's going to take time and love but I've done it before and I know that I can do it again because...

You can take everything away from a person but you will never replace spirit, love, and most of all authenticity.  You cannot be a fake and last forever, sooner or later you will be called out and whilst I may have my up and down moments and a personality which can be confusing to even myself, I think you all know by now that I only have love in my heart and fire in my belly.

I'm advertising again as a photographer in Newcastle to photograph weddings in 2021/2022 because we have to believe that this will all be over soon, well maybe not soon but I have no doubt that 21/22 will be bumper years for weddings and probably for portraits too as I'm sure many new lives are being created right at this time, new loves are forming and people in extraordinary circumstances are becoming soulmates.

Love always wins, I truly believe that with all of my heart and so I'm supporting decisions which I did not take knowing it's the best action for me, for now, because it makes things hurt less and because deep inside my psyche I still have hope.



If you have read this article I'd love you to buy me a virtual coffee so that I can keep writing until I can resume my life's work as a photographer.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.