People often ask me this very question, like it's some great unanswered hanging speech bubble and some things have happened lately that I wanted to talk about so, armed with a keyboard and some coffee it seems as good a time as any.

I love Martyn, not in that way before you all get overexcited, I love him because he's my friend and I love all of my friends, he's witty and clever, we both like superheroes, musicals and cake and on many subjects we have the same kind of viewpoints. In some ways, we are so completely different though but that's what makes a good friendship!

Martyn recently fell in love with his own beautiful princess and you know what, that's what you want for your friends, you want them to be happy, in love and live happily ever after.  I know, you're wondering why I'm telling you this, it's my blog where I write about my stuff but hang on in there because this is where it gets interesting.

Sometimes for whatever reason, love, relationships, they don't work out and watching your friends go through heartbreak is hard, even harder when they live so far away and you can't just pop in.  

So now I want to tell you some of the things my friend is not - 

He is not a threat to women, 

He is not a sexual predator,

You see it's bad enough that he had his heart broken but then this princess turned out to be more like Maleficent than Sleeping Beauty, she started stalking him, calling him repeatedly and when he refused to give her the attention she invented the most incredulous lies, lies that threatened to actually not only ruin the life of a good man but lies which also severely threatened his mental health. 

That's not even the worst part, the worst part came after the radical feminists got involved!

I want to state for the record that I identify as a feminist, an egalitarian feminist, my ancestors were actually suffragettes so we're all strong independent women who believe in equality for women, what we are not (unlike radical feminists) are Misandrists!  Recently it's come to light that some kind of underground network is currently gunning for Martyn and any men who stick up for him, women who stick up for him are blocked, they choose not to listen to what the female friends and social media followers think because to them, that means that my friend has brainwashed them.

Now, I've spent time with Martyn in real life, I never once felt threatened, he's certainly never brainwashed me, it didn't work out because we're far better friends than anything else (and why ruin a great friendship?) he didn't try to silence me, he certainly was not a sexual predator (I'm a big girl, thanks very much) and our friendship only continues to thrive and flourish.  Surely if he was this evil villain that he's purported to be I would know about it?   I don't suffer fools and I'm only friends with a select bunch of utterly fabulous people I adore so if I'd even had one hint that he had some kind of sinister side I would have ran a mile!

How is it that we live in a society where a woman makes up horrible lies about a man we believe them and yet if it were the other way around there is a witch hunt?  I'm ashamed to say it for my own womenkind but sometimes women are bad people too.

I'm speaking out today because there's an assumption out there that I am one of those mistreated, abused, silenced women that Martyn has used and I want to tell you that it's just not true, choose to believe whatever you want but today I'm standing up for my friend and should anyone want to question that, go ahead, I'm an open book, I have absolutely nothing to hide and neither does he.

Goodbye Mr France

Each story that I have ever told has had a beginning, a middle and an end, each post complete in its own individual merits, just like my views on images that each individual image should tell a story in itself.  The last 3 months have been my favourite chapter on my blog and my biggest adventure in online dating because of meeting Mr France.

I'm going to London on Saturday and by this time next week we will both know if things are going to work or not, we've discussed the possibility that our first real life date could end up being completely disastrous and really, it's true, no matter how much you have chatted and Skyped online, real life is a different thing entirely.

In my heart I am hopeful but I am also being real enough to accept all of the possibilities that this may or may not work.  We have talked a lot and I don't think that you can make friendship up so whether it works or not in a dating way I think we'll always have a friendship, I hope so anyway, he knows way too much!

In getting ready to meet him and after a weekend where I have wrestled with so many thoughts and anxieties in my head I have to come to terms with the fact that a lot of the last 3 months has been a vicarious adventure, something almost unreal which happened and yet didn't happen, the messaging and the Skype chats, yes they all happened and there's been nothing but good things to come out of them, we have laughed a lot and we have had some really serious conversations too.

I was always kind of vague about him and that's because I didn't want to expose him before he was ready, I know he says he is grumpy and has lots of faults and issues and yes he does, he's human but so am I and as I've already said I am far from perfect myself.

Some things remain, he is kind and he is funny, these things are facts, in looking at the relationships he has online, I've only found respect and love for him, he writes with honesty and he is always just the way he is, whether that be a mess or whimsical or funny or whether he's tackling something deadly serious or something more fun.

If there's one thing I've learnt, perhaps the hard way, is that you can never be too honest, he has taught me that it's better to just be yourself rather than project a better image of yourself, so where I would always be caught up in putting out there that I was the happiest, the best, the smiliest, the most whimsical (I love that word way too much) but I wasn't, yes, sometimes I was but I certainly wasn't as honest with him as I could have been because I wanted to only project the very best image of myself, now I'm not sure if this is something everyone does when they are interested in another person but I have promised to just be real now, I won't hide my emotions or always have the same emotion.  I will still be silly and magical and whimsical because those emotions are very much part of me and there are almost certainly more musicals, movies and TV shows to plan together, more inventions no one has ever thought of and probably wouldn't buy but it's good to have that to distract you from the realities of the often mundanity of general day to day life.

Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for my Mr France and the happy thoughts he has brought me, for me to move on and for you dear readers to, we have to say goodbye to him, next week I'll write about him whatever happens but he won't be Mr France, he'll just be the real him with his good bits and his bad bits and I will just be me, I'm not sure if it's the old me or the new me but I know now that it's definitely the real me.

There is one thing and this is real and true and there's no question about, whatever happens, this man who fell into my life has almost certainly changed my life for the better, people always come into your life for a reason, I firmly believe that and if his soul purpose was so that I could find out who I really was then for that, I will always be grateful.

My dear Mr. France, who knows what happens from this point on but know this, to this point you have only made life better, you might have a problem believing that but I'm telling you anyway, goodbye and thanks for being the best chapter I've ever written, see you on the other side, when you are you, I am me and we most definitely are just us.

Meeting Mr France - 7 Day's To Go

Don't you ever wish that for each perfect moment in life you had some prior warning so you could record it in your mind, the moments that we are the happiest are often forgotten at the time and it's not until we are flatter and more introspective that we realise that it was that moment, that pinnacle that we felt the happiest we'd ever felt in our whole entire lives, I think hindsight is a blessing and a curse.

I went in search of the first conversation I'd ever had with Mr France on Twitter, I know it wasn't too long after I'd published my dating article on my blog and I know there were early discussions about Moulin Rouge and also him sending me cakes but the weird thing about Twitter is that everything gets a bit lost and complicated, twice I've had to ask him for his address because it's impossible to find 54 direct messages later, it does seem a shame then that it's there, written down and recorded in history but it's ridiculously hard to decipher, I can't imagine my descendants wading through that, I wonder what they would think anyway if they came across two people discussing the creation of a musical about a Koala or the production of a TV show where the Chuckle Brothers are introduced to 3 angry seagulls (TV Gold), I do know however that some of our most joyous conversations are by far the more absurd and ridiculous ones.  I remember on our first Skype date that I'd just relaxed and fell into myself 4 hours in and telling him my greatest fears one of them being bananas because they're sinister and suspicious, I should have known by the fact that he didn't run away at that point that he was as crazy bonkers as me.

We're 3 months in now and our first real date is in a week, without a doubt, I've had my greatest whimsical adventures in conversation with Mr France, I'd have to hope that in person it's even better, I can get a little tongue-tied in the presence of men I find attractive, in fact, I'd go so far as to say I can't speak to them, I literally lose my voice, now I haven't thus far with Mr F because it's been Skype, I just hope face to face I don't come across like a blabbering idiot but if I do then, Mr F, if you are reading, it's only because you're my kind of hot 😉

I think this week I'll have much excitement and many panic-stricken moments as I worry about our first date but it's only because I want it to be wonderful and I don't want to make an idiot out of myself and I don't want to disappoint him, I'm sure he's having the same exact thoughts, maybe it wouldn't be so terrifying if we hadn't spent a lot of time Skyping and we only lived around the corner so we went for a quick coffee, actually no, I know what would have happened then, I suspect I would have still been there 3 days later talking about writing a new detective show where he solves crimes whilst I assist wearing a ballgown.

I want to tell you now that Mr F isn't perfect, he has his faults just as I do, he can be grumpy, he's terribly forgetful and he's so clever that some of the low-level stuff completely surpasses his brain, he has as many issues like the rest of us , I write about him like he's a superhero because isn't that the way we should all be written about, like photographs, it should be the very best version of ourselves and I'm sure that I'll complain about him at length in the future, I am an honest blogger and this is my diary after all but this brings me back to the point I opened with, pressing record, because at the start of any new adventure, especially dating, you have that window where you only see each other as magical figureheads or Grecian Gods and Goddesses (I should be so lucky) so it's good to write it down this time, I want to make sure I capture those thoughts and feelings so that when the challenges hit I can revisit them and with 2 months between our first and second real life date I feel there are times when I'll just stop by and remind myself of a beautiful beginning.

Who Are You Mr France, The 11 Questions You want to know

It's Tuesday evening (only just) and I've just climbed into bed after what will forever be remembered as a bad day made better by Skyping Mr France, I love that Looby just came and plonked herself down for a while and chatted to him tonight, it's kind of weird but good weird if you know what I mean.

I'd been feeling horrendous due to the withdrawal from Reboxetine, I have every withdrawal symptom on the list and there was a point today when I was weeping over a Toblerone for some unknown reason, even tweets today have made me teary and add to that feeling jittery, anxious and having 17 million purple sparkly (I'd imagine) crawly things running all over your body whilst feeling like you're wearing invisible giant mittens and having electric shocks every 30 seconds and that's pretty much how Tuesday, at one point I'd even decided that I wasn't going to Skype Mr F tonight because he shouldn't have to deal with me but I also know he understands and really he did, we talked about some serious stuff tonight, not all of it was the most fun subjects but that is us, it's usually absurd to deadly serious back to absurd or laughing at each other or with each other. Anyway, I managed to gently prod (imagine a fully charged fluffy cattle prod) Mr F for his answers to our questions and without further ado, here's my interview with Mr France.

1. Lisa from Little Orange Dog asks are your friends all as crazy bonkers as you are?

Imaginary ones that talk to me or real life? I think that answers that. 

2. Tracy from Hooks and Dragons asks if you could host a dinner party for 5 people past and present, who would they be and why?

Four of them would be my comedy favourites.

1. Norman Wisdom. He's not only hilarious but a musical mastermind. 

2. Kenneth Williams. Deep, emotional and brilliantly funny. 

3. Ronnie Barker. Do I need to explain why for him?

4. Hattie Jacques. She was beautiful, funny and personally, could produce a look that would have perfect comic timing. 

5. My Mum. She always loved the above. She was my the person to introduce these old time comedians and prompted the things I find funny and built my humour the way it is. So I could share the funniest favourites with me. 

3. If you could visit any place in time and space which would it be and why?

I'd like to travel 100 years into the future and meet my descendants. 

4. What's your favourite version of you in the multiverse and why?

The one where I have perfect hair and it doesn't take me ages to sort it. It has a mind of its own! Imagine the free time I would have not faffing around with it. I could solve so many problems in that time. 

5. Harriet asks Are you an African Prince?

Ek kan nie vir jou sê, want ek die geheim Wet onderteken

6. What is your favourite song and why?

It's a split between 

Everyday by Buddy Holly. Just makes me happy.

Have you ever seen the rain by credence clearwater revival? It encompasses the hard days.

7. Name 5 things that make you happy

My children. 

Drawing. 

Reading. 

Playing the piano

Teaching

8. What is your philosophy in life?

"It's better to be a live dog than a dead lion"

9. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would they be?

To eat whatever I liked without gaining weight. 

To be taller....and before you say it...I'm short it will make a difference! 2 inches would be nice. I'm sure the ladies would agree that an extra 2 inches makes all the difference. 

To be able to transform into various animals

10. What makes you smile without fail?

One of those deep belly laughs that really reaches the soul of a child....especially my own. 

11. Abigail would like to know, if you could change one thing about the world what would it be?

The destruction of wildlife to create and use palm oil. The use of Palm oil is ridiculous. 

And the quickfire round where I asked Mr F not to think too much about the answers

crusts - on or off? On

Crocs - right/wrong? Wrong

Snacks - sweet/savoury? Seriously, it's food, I don't care

Bed - soft/firm? Soft

cats or dogs? Dogs

brains or beauty brains

Marvel or DC? Marvel.....no choice

Romantic or cold hard Pragmatist? I'm somewhere in the middle. 64% romantic maybe

Tea or Coffee? Coffee

Cake or Chocolate? It depends on both. I would choose cheesecake over an orange aero but would choose a dairy milk over a carrot cake

So there you have it, Mr France has spoken, I think he gave some great answers, we're having a tiny fight over Marvel vs DC but only because my favourite superhero is The Flash, we might also fight over cheesecake because I hate chocolate and orange as a flavour but I don't like Dairy Milk so I'll have the carrot cake instead, I am glad we have the same stance on Crocs though, that might have been a fail from the start.

A note to Mr F,

I want to say the biggest thank you for answering all of these questions, especially some of the more ludicrous ones, you've had lots going on and I really appreciate that you took time out to do it, I also want to say something else, something that I couldn't say to your face earlier, or at least I couldn't find the right words, you worry that when people find out who you really are that it will be disappointing and you worry that you are at some point going to disappoint me but we are a couple who met in a weird situation and have the weirdest early relationship I know of but there's nothing of you that I expect that would disappoint me, I read pages and pages and pages of your blog before we started Skyping, possible before we'd even done little more than chatted on Twitter, we have spoken for hours, we talk every day and I'll never expect you to be anything that you are not capable of giving, we laugh together, we discuss, life, the universe and everything in between and I'm sure we'll end up crying together and some days you'll shout and scream and so will I but what we have started with is a really honest trusting friendship where we can talk about anything and where we just get each other, my expectations are only the things that I already know and that is that we are going to have lovely adventures together so removing all of the other stuff, thank you for being a friend who I can trust, a friend who cares and a friend who made the end of my day far better than the start of it

"Mammy, we haven't got a fence anymore"

"Mammy, we haven't got a fence anymore" were the exact words I woke up to this morning at 7am, as I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and walked to my window I got quite a shock to find that not only did we have no party fence anymore I couldn't even get out of my back door or through my back gate.

Now, let me say I've been a single mum for over 2 years now and I generally have coped pretty well, I don't think there's been a situation I couldn't handle but when it comes to manly tasks or manual things I pretty much fail at life, don't get me wrong, I can garden and I know many of the latin plant names, I know where to put plants for the best light and I adore my garden in the summer, but entire fences falling down are not my speciality.

Anyway, I called someone and some strong men and a lady came and took my fence away, I also placed a call to our council because a tree had fallen outside the front of our house, when I say fallen, I mean the winds had snapped it in two.  Weirdly we never usually have to deal with such things living in the city where we're sheltered from the worst winds so for the winds to have the strength they did to take down a massive fence and a tree is what you could call an unusual predicament.  

My garden is usually the place I love to sit on summer days, I love my little oasis of calm but today it really doesn't look like these photos at all!

When you become a single parent no one gives you a manual for the extra tasks you weren't in charge of, I did ask Mr F if he maybe had that chapter and I'd just missed it but apparently fence repairs and escaping your own garden aren't included as standard.  For the first time this year I had a moment where I wanted to go and hide under a blanket in the corner until it all went away, instead I messaged Mr F and swore at him privately, well not so much at him but sometimes you need someone who cares, no matter how far away they are, it's not about them being able to help or offer advice, it's just about knowing they are there for you and here and now, I am so grateful for him, you see, he's always there, we speak to each other every day, sometimes privately, sometimes publicly, sometimes he'll bring about random uncontrollable laughter in a quiet moment when you least expect it, it's weird that we are so far apart but yet I feel like he's nearer than I have felt to anyone for a very long time, even if he does think that I live in his phone!

So today, I am thankful once more for people who come and rescue you from fallen trees and fences and most of all for Mr F who almost fell into my life accidently from the other side of the internet and yet when I look back now, it's as if he's always been there, he really gets me and I love that I don't have to be anyone else but me when we are "together" which leads me to believe that when we are in actual close proximity it's going to be truly magical.

Put Your Questions to Mr France

Monday came and went in a flash,  Hollys morning constitutional seemed to stretch through the afternoon and before I knew it the girls arrived home from their first day back at school and Harriet arrived for dinner, it was lovely to be back in the swing of Monday night's open house until Looby had a huge teen meltdown overhearing someone chewing (she has misophonia) and went screaming to bed and that was the last I saw of her, she did briefly make an appearance but only to tell me how much she hated me, everyone and the world entire.

My usual Monday night Skype dates have returned with Mr France after a couple of weeks of having to move them around to accommodate Christmas etc, I like Monday nights with Mr F, it gets my week off to a brilliant start and he usually manages to inspire blog posts throughout the week, he is very much my muse, I write better, more consistently and with more passion than I ever did before we bumped into each other across the internet.  Apparently, he still doesn't think I'm real, though, I'm just the lovely lady who lives in his phone and his laptop, I've told him he can pinch me to check that I'm real at the end of the month when we're both together at a lovely luxury hotel in Chiswick.  I've also mentioned I might be just a little over-excited about this!

Tonight we went shopping together and although I can't tell you what for because I was helping him with a blog thing what I can tell you is that, there was a certain amount of magicalness and serendipity to the evening just as there always is, I'm not sure how it happens but I think it's probably just that we're the same kind of crazy, bonkers and we get each other, we really are 'just us'.

Somewhere during the shopping, we were chatting about our upcoming weekend away and blog things leading up to that and we thought it might be quite a nice idea to interview him for my blog so dear readers, I'm wondering what kind of things we should ask him, I'm going to write some questions but is there anything that you the reader want to know?  Before you ask "Who are you?" I can promise you will find out but he's going to blog about that after our weekend away, once he's checked I really am a living breathing actual person and not just a projection of his consciousness that appears online whenever he's around.

So here and now, what can we ask him to get to know him better?  He really is a very interesting guy and very much multifaceted with lots of tales to tell.  But what do you want to know about this darling, diminutive dad who has captured my heart?  I am so delighted that he's not only agreed to do this but he might have been the one who suggested it although I think I mentioned it in passing, I guess that's one of the wonderful things about us, the collaboration, the fantastical ideas, life is pretty stupendous.

What I will say is that 3 weeks isn't so long to wait and yet every hour of the day seems to be creeping by so slowly, testament to the fact of just how excited I actually am, I guess these moments of wonder just don't happen that often and even less so when you are a woman in her fourth decade, I do keep joking about the fact that I'm a cougar being a little over 8 years older than him but everyone knows that women in their 40's well, we really have got our heads, lives and hearts in check and under control, we are forthright, confident and not ageing too badly (thankfully), my body may be a bit of a write off but my mind is still fully intact and the last time I looked my face hadn't fallen off just yet.

There is just one thing, when Mr F and I chat on Skype on Mondays, he always appears a little dark, shadowy and sometimes just a little blurry, I apparently am usually just out of sync leading him to laugh hilariously when my mouth doesn't match with my voice and despite reassuring him that I'm not actually the same in real life, I guess he just wants to make extra sure  before coming out of the French armoire!

Leave your suggestions for questions below and I'll post his interview next week hopefully!

Mr France, The Magical Centaur

It's 9 am, it's dark and rainy, I'm holed up in my bedroom, still cosy underneath my Christmas bedding with summer light patterned sheets and outside the rain threatens to fall at any given moment, it's January, it's damp and the light levels are perpetually low, usually at this time of year I start to feel the pangs of seasonally affected disorder.  There's just one thing, this year I didn't have any post-Christmas blues, I haven't been hit by any great overwhelming urge to hibernate, well no more than I usually do and yesterday I went out for my first big 10k walk of the year!  It was a joyous affair with Looby and her best friend, Holly Bobbins loved every second, granted she still managed to be what I'd like to describe as a big fat barky pants when I was Skyping Mr France last night but that's kind of normal.

Whenever Mr France and I Skype Holly has a weird reaction, I'm sure that she recognises his voice but she can't quite work out where he is so she barks and barks and then she gets bored and goes to sleep, hopefully when they meet it means she'll just wag her tail a lot and she'll love him to bits, I'm sure she will, anyone with even a grain of sense adores Mr F, he's the sweetest, kindest, loveliest man, Looby spoke to him last night and I do believe he even stuck up for her and said I should have let her build a fort in my living room, ok, maybe next time I will, she apparently made one in her bedroom and then cleared it properly although I never saw it so I can't be entirely sure!

I do love that Looby thinks Mr F is a magical centaur, it's a big relief when you meet someone and your teenagers approve, she was even heard to be telling her best friend all about him yesterday, suffice to say I'm sure if he comes to Newcastle this year (which I truly hope he will) I don't think I'm going to have any problems introducing him to anyone I know because kids, friends, everyone who's spoken to him thinks he's just right for me.

Last night we were talking and I was telling him how much I love telling our story when all is said and done it's truly beautiful and unique, I don't know anyone else who's met in the same way as us, if you are reading this and you have however do get in touch as I'd love to hear from other people and maybe share their stories too (with permission of course) maybe we could do some happy relationship stories in time for Valentines Day?  

I may have rambled a little (I'm well known for it, ask Mr F) and digressed from my initial point which was that it's the first year I can remember where I have entered the year with so much hope and excitement for the future, my walk yesterday with Looby and her best friend felt magical and joyous, it did end up costing me a lunch and a Starbucks in bribery to make sure they stayed happy for the whole 10K but it was a pleasure just to feel the winter sunshine on my face and that gorgeous golden glow of the light which we always get around this time of year.  the days may be currently short but when we get beautiful sunny ones, the light is the most special you'll ever see, by the time we got home from our walk the hues of orange and red made the whole of the world pretty as the sun dipped it's head behind the horizon as it climbed into bed for it's longer winters nap, I adore the long heady days of summer but this year I am taking the pleasure and joy in the every day, something to hold up high and cherish.

We have so many moments in our life and we cannot remember them all, that's why I write in the way that I do so that I can look back and remember some of them, sometimes there are small pleasures in the minutiae of our daily lives and it's only when we can look back at a later date that we remember just how defining and life changing some of them were.  I don't know where you started when I embarked on this great adventure with Mr France, maybe you were there on that first day when I put my dating profile on my blog, or the first time I described him as Mr France, maybe you came along to find our story half way and have followed some of our weekly Skype dates?   Whenever you first came by to read our story, I hope you'll stick around because this, right here, is just the very start of something very special.

Today I'm Grateful...

I awoke with a start this morning, a knock on the door, only when I ran down to answer it in my half sleep, half awake state there was no one there, once again my dreams predicted a delivery that wasn't quite ready in the real world.

I haven't blogged for a few days, I've had a blogging rest and then there's also the fact that I'm very much sitting here typing somewhat encumbered by the dressings on my left hand, I had a bit of a disagreement with a Jamón knife yesterday leading to 2 hours in the walk-in centre, and a bit of a blue peter repair of sticking me back together, I have to go back again tomorrow for clean dressings and my usually Flash like fingers are typing at a much slower, more fat-fingered pace than usual. 

Whilst I looked on enviously when everyone finished work and school earlier than us, I'm now smiling smugly that the girls aren't back to school until Monday and so I'm actually going to get to spend some time with my gorgeous daughters this week, the very festive and social Miss Charlton's have been so busy that I've seen them less than when they are at school, we shall be binge watching Harry Potter today to make up for it.

Yesterday, though, I was grateful for Looby and the first aid skills I didn't even know she possessed, after trying plasters which just laughed at my bloody lacerations she fashioned some dressings from our now much depleted first aid kit and waved me off to the walk-in centre, I'm also grateful that the battery on the iPhone7 Plus is stupendous, I never have to worry about running out of charge during the day now, I used it solidly to pass the time whilst I waited to be stuck back together.  One other joyful thing I'm super grateful for is Mr France and his hilarious silly humour getting me through the two-hour wait with much laughter, medical centres are lonely miserable places to sit and wait in, especially on bank holidays when everyone seems to be ill or having accidents, I felt dreadful for wasting time but the nurse was so lovely and confirmed that it wasn't something I could have dealt with at home, on my own, without glue and strips and dressings so another thing I am definitely grateful is the fact that in our country we still have the NHS and walk-in centres a short walk away on busy bank holiday afternoons.

I've practised gratitude for several years now, of course, I always fall off a little during the dark grumpy days when I selfishly hide away not remembering how much more splendid my life is than the less unfortunate, we all do it from time to time and there's nothing wrong with that, it's the human condition after all, "Why God, Why Me?" we lament, often holding our fists to the heavens but it's at those moments when we need to take a moment to breathe and count our blessings, I am so lucky in my life right now, I have the best friends, amazing teenagers, wonderful pets, a great job and of course Mr F who expects nothing of me other than to be just me and I in turn only ever expect him to be just him as he is.

So today, in the dark January day when you are going back to work and the traffic is bad, your lunch is horrible or your boss is mean and grumpy, just take a moment to think about all of the good things in your life right now, see if you can make yourself smile because if you can smile then you're on the path to being happy, really happy and extremely content.

The continuing adventures of dating Mr France

Me at the Holly Ball 2016

It's late and I'm over emotional, I'm writing this in the dark stillness of the night, the place I use to collect my thoughts when I need to get my head in gear.  I think I have a grumpy liver today and it's shaped most of my day.  Today we have lounged and chilled, I have eaten too much cheese, one too many florentines and I've drunk copious cups of Fortnum and Masons Royal Blend, my liver has been grumpy from too much Christmas excess, Cosmopolitans on Christmas Eve, a bottle of Champagne on Christmas Day and 3 glasses of Prosecco yesterday, maybe that's not a lot for some but it is for me, especially as I have a lack of the enzyme which breaks down the poison in alcohol, I've all but decided to give up alcohol entirely though my doctor tells me I should be ok once a month, so yay for my upcoming birthday! I'll be truthful, though, not drinking alcohol hasn't ever really bothered me, I'd rather give up Champagne than cake though I might miss it on an occasion, I'm just as fun without alcohol, especially when I'm on top form as I have been of late, I am most definitely at my best when I am happy in my heart.

Here's the thing, I am happy in my heart, I genuinely have joy back in my life, it's wonderful and scary and amazing and joyful and terrifying all in the same breath, just having someone say "you look lovely" when you go out for your once yearly ball, it may not be the biggest thing but it's enough.

There really is so much more than you the reader knows of Mr F, to know him thus far is really only half of the story, he is much more amazing than you can imagine, he's crazy bonkers and he's made me laugh so much my sides have hurt, I'm not actually sure why he's not considered a career in comedy but perhaps it was because he was just off being equally brilliant doing other things. I keep telling him that I adore his mind but I'd be lying if I didn't say that he's just my type physically too, I am a big fan of geeky types.  For our weekly date this week we Skyped for a couple of hours and then we watched Jonathan Creek together whilst messaging about who we thought was the perpetrator of the dastardly deed, Now I should point out that Mr F is rather good at solving crimes and would probably beat everyone at Cluedo, you should never watch Murder She Wrote with him for he will tell you who did it before Jessica even so much as gets a look in, I'm not suggesting you should call him in a time of crisis but he's just very good with patterns and general brilliance.

What is lovely is feeling like you are watching TV with someone even when they're not physically next to you, maybe the way in which we met and the way in which we are dating isn't traditional, maybe you're sitting there thinking "oh no, that's just a bit too weird" and yes it is weird, it's weird and wonderful and unexplainable and extraordinary but I get just as excited to see Mr F on Skype every week as I would if we were seeing each other in real life and if you're wondering if I feel frustrated that I can't hold his hand or give him a hug or dare I say, kiss him, well, yeah a bit but not as much as you would think because I know that'll happen, maybe though the way we've chosen is the best way, we get to know each other properly, all of our quirks and foibles are there without the added distraction of being attracted to each other, which of course we are,  I've never been one to take my time in matters of the heart, I'm over-excitable at the best of times and thus being hundreds of miles apart works for that very reason, it gives us both space and time to spend magical moments together whilst still getting on with our own lives, he did say that one day we'll be able to sit on the sofa together and then, just as you would expect, we'll be on our social media still talking to each other and that's something I just can't wait for...

2016, A Reflective Post

So this is it, my last blog post before Christmas,  and I'm up to date with brand collaborations and outstanding articles, something I've learnt this year is how much pressure I feel to do the best job for the companies I collaborate with, another thing is that since I photographed cocktails at the Science Bar, I almost always get invited to cocktail based events, I for one shall not be complaining about that anytime soon!

Whilst this year has had it's trying times and many challenges all I can see now as I sit here reflecting are the good times, there have been so many highlights like going to Barcelona with Harriet, visiting Stratford and having many Shakespeare moments with Abigail, walking Alpacas, exploring Amsterdam and of course I couldn't complete my round up without mention of meeting Mr France, he really is the sweetest geek.

When I started this year, I wanted to have great adventures, that was the main focus of my resolve for 2016 and I have done that both offline and online.  I finally found the strength to move on earlier this year and on the day I did I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders and now my life is filled with happiness and smiling every day, I feel again, in fact, I have all of the feels, I have enough feels for me, Mr F and the whole of the land and I quite often have tears of happiness when I realise just how far I've personally and emotionally grown this year.  

Don't get me wrong, I still have anxiety, I still have moments where I suffer from almost crippling low self-esteem but every neurosis is something that's been caused over a period of years so I have to allow for the years ahead to heal me.  I remember a conversation on Twitter a while ago about The Phantom and whether Christine should have chosen him or Raoul, the overwhelming response was the Christine should have chosen The Phantom because love was the only way to heal him, we're all like that a little bit I think, we need to find our people, our crew, our squads, whether that be friendships, relationships, whatever, it's only when we view the world with love and let love in that we can be healed and live to our full potential, I hope to do more of that in 2017 than I have done thus far.

I'm taking some time off over Christmas, I just have one planned photo shoot on the 28th, it's a bit of a weird situation because I'll almost certainly be more active on Twitter for the next couple of weeks than I am normally but that's because lots of friends are away over Christmas, my children will be social butterflies and so it's my online friends who will mostly keep me sane, well the ones who are around, if no one is around then I shall just resort to talking to myself or Holly Bobbins, I do that quite enough anyway!

I cannot really say what will happen in the future, I literally have no plans currently, my hopes are that I'll get to meet Mr F in 3D and that's almost certainly going to happen in January, much, much excitement at that prospect even though our Skype dates are almost like having him sitting next to me, no really it is, if you've never tried a Skype date I can't recommend it highly enough!  What I would say is what we have found almost certainly cannot be defined or labelled and nor would I want it to be that way, I hate labels and being pigeonholed, I've had that for my entire life.

So I wish to take this opportunity to say thank you for staying with me this year, through the tears, the laughter, the moments of complete ridiculousness and absurdity, next year will be my 12th year of blogging, I'm not sure there are many others out there with a blog as old as mine and yet I am still small fry in the blogging world, I'd love to be just a tad more well known and I'd love my story to lead somewhere further, I know I want to continue to do more writing, oh and on the business front, I bought a couple of new domains yesterday, I have this idea for a website which I'm going to work on over Christmas, can't say too much though because it's just an exciting quirky idea in the corner of my mind at the moment!

So here and now to each and every one of you, I want to wish you the best Christmas ever, may you be with the ones you love and hold dear to your hearts, may you kiss often, laugh lots and hug like bears, have yourself a merry little Christmas now...

I have a big dilemma Mr France

Last night, Skype date number 3 and Mr France had put himself on a curfew because he was shattered and had to be up super early today for his children, it's quite endearing as I don't think I've ever put myself on a curfew before but perhaps I should start?

Of course, Skyping Mr France before bed always keeps me awake, I usually remember all of the things I was going to tell him but forgot whilst we were actually Skyping, sometimes our conversations are so whimsical and ludicrous that I can't even remember them, we do throw some serious stuff in there for good measure but I love that he's as whimsical as I am, in fact I would go so far as to say that he's sometimes more whimsical and that's what you have to love about him, there's literally no one else in the whole world like him, I could search the planet for the rest of my life and there's no way I would find someone even vaguely similar, he's just the right kind of crazy bonkers for me!

Something kept me awake last night though and yes, I realise I'm not exactly sleeper of the year at the moment but bear with me, you see we were talking and I think anyone who knows me probably knows who Mr France is but it's not the same for him, he said he can't blog about me because he's unable to be even slightly subtle and would end up just talking about me, Mandy!  This is all fine but it got me thinking, maybe I should just reveal who he is now because it's not just my story anymore, it's our story and by keeping his identity secret maybe I am inhibiting his story and he's someone who blogs with passion and has the same view as me, that his blog is his story, his log of who he was for his descendants (sorry for paraphrasing Mr France, if you're reading).

The reason I called Mr France by not his real name was that it was easier to write about him without calling him by his true identity and also there was always the chance that once we got to our Skype date that we wouldn't have got on etc but I really don't see anyone in my future now apart from him, it's almost certainly got to be long term and at a slow pace because of our lives and the distance we live apart but that's kind of the best bit, I said to him last night that I have no intention of ever getting in the way of how is life is, I just want to add to it, enhance it, I guess I want to be like the best kind of buttercream icing on the perfect cake or the glorious soft pink sponge in a Battenberg (that's the only part I like actually but Ssh).

There's not a day goes by where I don't speak to Mr France and in each day that I have known him he's brought me happiness and laughter, I said last night that if we went too long without Skyping that I would miss his face and it's true, this small, sensitive pocket-sized man has found the empty space in my heart and I think just nestled himself in there, there's no denying that if I was a kitten I would be smitten!

You know, we're grown-ups, we both have life and complications, neither of us is entirely perfect but as I've found in the past, perfection is unattainable and not what it's cracked up to be, being good enough, that's where it is and I am definitely good enough and Mr France, well he's way more than good enough for me because he might not be perfect but for me he's perfect.

So maybe now I will just tell you all, I'd love to be able to introduce you all, maybe you'll all start reading his blog too, it's different to mine and he's way more successful in the blogging world than I am but as these things go, I need to collect my own thoughts and I need to ask him what he thinks about that because whilst it's my story and our story, it's not my place to out him in any sense of the word so let's just say, watch this space...

Have Yourself A Cosy Little Christmas

It's 5 am in the morning, the tree lights are twinkling and I'm nursing a large steaming coffee in my favourite unicorn mug, it's way too early to be awake and yet my body has hated even the thought of sleep during December and I can only hope that once the equinox passes later this week that I will start sleeping properly again.

When I do sleep, I have the most comfortable bed in the world, so much so that you'll often find me sitting working on my bed or just lying on it because it's like sleeping in a giant bowl of marshmallows and having every limb cuddled, my neck, the dodgy prolapsed disk hasn't given me any pain since I started sleeping on my Eve mattress and since the Eve Pillows arrived in November I have been fighting with my teenagers as they try to pinch them off me, the fiends, what's weird is for the first time in my life I'm sleeping on one pillow instead of two and when I sit up to read I prop myself up with 2 and it's perfect!!  I really do love sleeping on Eve (not a euphemism)

I would like to also state that up until December I slept like a virtual log every night, it's just December every year that likes to mess with me, it's almost certainly a combination of the approaching equinox, the bad light levels, the excitement that Christmas is coming and the usual, "what the heck am I going to do over winter" question that I pose myself each year!

For anyone tuning in to find out what's happening with Mr France, well we didn't Skype last night but we're Skyping tonight instead, I'm very happy and I'm going to take a presumptuous stab in the dark and suggest that the feeling is mutual, what's been really fun is seeing friends and other bloggers and them all asking me #whoismrfrance the hashtag has reached over 200,000 I think now, I never intended it to happen like that, it's almost the worst kept secret on the internet but I usually refuse to confirm or deny although my good friends, my best girlfriends, they all know and they already love him because they know how happy I am, I've definitely been in super sparkly, bouncy Mandy mode and nothing has made me grumpy for ages actually, not that I was the queen of grumpy before you'll understand but well, it's just nice to be liked by someone of the opposite sex again, especially someone as fabulous as Mr France

I've been feeling somewhat reflective over these last few days and wondering if I should come up with some kind of yearly round up post, it's been such an amazing year, don't get me wrong there have been tough times and challenges, I think when you put single parenting into the mix with self-employment that's always bound to happen but I've made it to the end of another year, we all have, my fabulous teenagers and I, I should say that Iain isn't, of course, a teenager any longer but it's just easier to call him one than say he's going to be 21 next year, I'm not even sure how that can be possible!! 

I still have much to do before Sunday, my quest to do the Peter Kaye style big shop yesterday rather ended up in much hilarity, oh I spent the budget but came home with a Jamón, a lovely Christmas dress and some new fabulous underwear, not entirely sure what we'll eat over the next couple of weeks but hey ho, a man is due today with a box of veg and another man is due with some Christmas meat, oh and another man is due with my iPhone7 plus, but shush, I know you can't eat that either!

I don't know what's going to happen with blogging over Christmas, writing is my therapy, something to do late at night or early in the morning when there's just me and the sound of my fingers tapping away speedily on the keyboard, whilst I'm sort of taking a break from the business of photography for a few days, I'm not sure how long I can go without writing something and as Mr France says, if I don't write about him people will start to wonder if he's disappeared, I think he just likes reading about himself superhero style and knowing exactly what's going on in my mind, but shush, don't tell him I said that!!

Whatever you do over the next few days, may it be smooth running, may you remember to smile lots and maybe take just a moment or two to reflect on what Christmas really means, I know I'll be doing exactly that.  Until next time dear friends...

Who Is Mr France? | #whoismrfrance

I have to admit that I wasn't going to write about Mr France again so soon after last week but we were talking last night and he said that if I didn't write about him everyone would wonder, where is Mr France rather than #whoismrfrance, where has he gone, has he disappeared?  The truth is of course that Mr France has become so much part of my everyday life that surely no one could possibly think he's vanished, I talk about him all the time, to anyone who'll listen for long enough and even with the people who know who Mr France is I still call him Mr France, even when I talk to the kids about him, as I told him last night, it doesn't matter what happens now, he'll always be my Mr France!

Today, I am tired, I haven't slept since around November, I'm always affected by the approaching equinox and I know that in January I will want to sleep forever, I will find new powers of sleep, until then I am very much surviving on a nightly lack of sleep and last night after spending 4 hours Skyping Mr France once again I was so happy and bouncy when I got into bed that by the time I woke up at half seven this morning I'd had, I reckon, around 4 hours sleep, yay me! 

You know what's brilliant about Mr France?  That I can be completely and totally myself when I'm with him and even though it's Skype and not touchable 3D real life it does feel like we're together when we're Skyping, I love that I can be all of the crazy, the good crazy, the things I usually have to try and hide away inside, I just don't have to do that, although that is perhaps testament to the fact that he is also slightly crazy bonkers.

So if we were in the US we would no doubt plan to meet at the top of the Empire State building sometime in February, sadly though, this is rainy old england and also, February is a long, long time away.  Being that we're in rainy old England and we both love musicals our plan is set to meet in London and go to see a musical, we're just not sure which musical, his favourite is Phantom, mine is Wicked but we both agreed we should maybe go to see something we hadn't seen already.  I am though super excited to meet him in touchable 3D technicolour.  On Skype, we don't have any set pattern and we have the most bizarre conversations which go from serious life changing opinions down to crazy stories about the strangest things and it all just seems to fit, so much so that I'm always a little sad when I realise the time has once again flown.

I'm not ashamed to say that I am smitten and there have been times when I didn't think I would ever have that feeling about anyone, the best thing is that it definitely feels mutual, for the first time I never ever find myself being over analytical or second guessing myself, I'm not worrying about things, I'm simply having fun and enjoying the adventure and to the naysayers, a small but vocal minority, I want to say something, to the people who say, you shouldn't be talking about this, well I wouldn't be, I could have kept it all in, I could have said nothing but Mr France is fully aware of it all and he's encouraging and supportive and it's part of my story, my story that started right here, on this blog nearly eleven years ago.  And to those who say "That's not dating, don't be ridiculous" let me say this, lots of people meet other people in bars or clubs, they get drunk, they take them home, they spend the night with them, some of them can't even remember their names the next day, with Mr France it's not like that, we can't be physically near to each other right now so we talk, we get to know each other, being connected to someones minds or thoughts is so much deeper so don't knock it until you've tried it.

Last night with the help of a website called Whats Halfway we worked out that Newark is smack bang in the middle of us so that's a consideration for the future as we're both only 2.5 hours away apparently, to be honest though I think I'd rather be on the train for an extra half hour and meet up in London, it's just a little more exciting.

This morning someone said to me, "I know who Mr France is" well I can tell you, it's one of the worst kept secrets on the internet, especially if you use Twitter but I'm not quite ready to reveal his secret identity just yet, in fact I can tell you this, last night he wasn't bespectacled as he usually is so he did kind of reveal his own secret identity, not that he looks all that different with or without spectacles but then again, neither did Clark Kent and he kept the entire planet guessing...

So I went on a Skype Date...

I'll let you into a secret, I have a phone phobia, I hate using the phone and if anyone calls me other than my children and Harriet, I usually avoid picking it up!  The thought of having a conversation on Skype was more than a little terrifying and the thought of a Skype date was possibly one of the scariest things I've ever done, I was so nervous and probably more rambly than ever to start with, I could feel my heart beating way faster than it should have been, I'd propped my Macbook up on a box on the kitchen table to eliminate double chins because if you sit and speak to someone and your laptop is on your lap, well that's not a great angle at all is it?!

Of course, I needn't have worried, not even a bit, I think Mr France was more worried about how I would react to his charmingly bohemian beard in virtual real life, he calls it scruffy, I think it just adds character.  If I had to describe Mr France right now I'd say he's got one of those friendly smiley faces that you feel comfortable and at ease straightaway,  he's a good mix of geek plus bohemian and it kind of just works, his square-framed glasses suit his face and compliment his beard in an attractive geek chic type of way, that's not the best part of Mr France though because the best part is his personality and lets remember a box, however sparkly is really just a box if it doesn't have any contents, Mr France is even more lovely and fun packed on the inside.

I have not laughed on a date as much as I laughed last night, I laughed until at one point I couldn't catch my breath, he has a comedic presence when telling a tale, reminiscent of Peter Kaye, well if you imagine Peter Kaye as a slim, pocket-sized, quintessentially English gentleman.  I told him I would have hugged him if our date had been in real life and I think he may have attempted to do the same which really doesn't work over Skype, you can take that from me 😉  

We talked on Skype for so long that my battery nearly died so I had to carry him up the stairs very gently to plug him in and when it came to midnight and I had to go and he did too I felt a tinge of sadness because we were both having such a great evening.  Chatting for over 3 hours on Skype when you've never met before is quite a unique experience and by the end I was even relaxing into myself, he did say at one point that I wasn't as eccentric as he thought I might be but I told him I was on my best behaviour and also it's really hard for me because when I have spoken to men or tried to date them it's very rare that they actually get me and I always find I have to try to keep the real me inside. This just isn't the case with Mr France and I knew when he didn't run away screaming during my explanation of why Bananas are suspicious, sinister and must never be eaten that I'd found someone just a little special!  He did laugh but that's totally permitted and actively encouraged.

We talked for hours about everything, some things serious, some things not and it felt to me like it was a two way thing, I stopped and listened as much as I spoke, I got excited that we had things which we have exactly the same views on and then it's lovely that we have some areas that we are polar opposites (how can someone not love glitter?).  I think we could have a never ending conversation about all kinds of things and that's incredibly attractive.  I hope that he had just as much fun as me and that he feels the same, I think he does but you know I'm the queen of over analysis and second guessing, I went to bed smiling though and had the best nights sleep!

I'm not really sure what happens now, hopefully, more Skype dates and lovely shared experiences and hopefully if I end up in London for business or pleasure and he can get to London too then we can meet in glorious technicolour huggable real life,  maybe I'll even make it to Kent next year and there's obviously an open invitation if he ever wants to come to Newcastle.  I'd love to take him to some of my favourite places and I'd have no problem introducing him to Holly or my friends because if you fail to get along with Mr France you clearly have some kind of weird mind issues, he's adorable (Ssh, we'll just keep that among ourselves, we wouldn't want him getting a big head).

If you've never had a Skype date before then you should definitely go for it and if you're looking to date, maybe don't just stick with the safe man around the corner because there's just a chance that if you cast your net just a little wider you might just happen upon someone truly extraordinary.