What the hell just happened?  I was sitting at my desk quite happily, talking online with another fabulous lady about how happy I am in my life, how great being single is and how I wouldn't change it for the world when "I won't last a day without you" by The Carpenters plays and it makes me cry because it reminds me of my lost love, my soulmate who completed me.  I don't even know what it was about that song, I mean I love the song, I love The Carpenters but it doesn't really have any relevance to my former marriage/relationship.

It's been so long since I cried over Paul, I mean I'm in such a good place ordinarily, I've come full circle to being able to talk to people about how much I loved him, how much he truly was my soulmate and how at times we had movie love and that is one of the reasons I don't mind living a single life.  I genuinely don't believe that you find that in your life multiple times. 

Maybe I'm just cross and sad because I've had my turn at true love so early in my life and yet I'm still so young, the next 60 years probably are too long to spend on my own.

Life is funny like that isn't it, you think you are doing fine and then something, a sound, a fragrance, a memory has you transported back in time and suddenly you find you have salty tears running down your cheeks.

I guess the sad thing about Paul and I is that as far as I'm aware he still hates me so we don't speak at all and that's sad because we lost that friendship and we have children together, it's an easy existence I suppose because we have teenagers, so we have no need to see each other or even communicate but I do wish that sometimes we could at least chat!

I wonder if things will always be this way, with me embracing my singledom and merrily going along with sudden moments of abject loneliness?  Even the temporary ones which last from seconds literally seem to break my heart into pieces and it's often that they take me by complete surprise.  The heart it seems is such a curious thing, it's not that I ever want to forget some of the memories we made together and it's not like we should still be together because at the end we were hurting and killing each other, our children have flourished since we parted and that for me is everything, sometimes the happiness of your children is even more important than hanging on to a love which is for all intents and purposes no longer there.

My life now is better and better with every day that passes, it's been a long time coming but I've never been quite so organised in life and business as I am now, I feel for the first time that I have my shit together which is a little scary in itself, does this mean I am a grown up?  Do you know I actually bought a table and chairs on Friday?  I'd been admiring it in the window of Fenwick's for weeks and then I saw they were having a furniture clearance and there were my table and chairs I'd lusted after, half price too so I made the man take my money and I'm eagerly awaiting its arrival on Friday.  Now I should tell you that this is such a big thing, this is the first brand new table and chairs I've ever bought, it's white, scandi style and has the most fabulous chairs!  yep, I did it again, I got excited about a table!  Heaven help me, I think I might be a grown up!

And on that bombshell (Thanks, Jeremy) I'll slope off and think more about new furniture and less about old relationships.  Have a great week everyone!

Why I don't live with my mum by Abigail Charlton, aged 14.5

I moved out of my mums house to live with my dad and grandad in the autumn of  2014, this was after my dad had already left about 2 months earlier. It was not an easy decision but I can say I would do it again because it has been the best thing possible to ensure I retain a good relationship with my mum. 

I love my mum unconditionally and forever! It was difficult to leave at 13, knowing that it was hurting my mum. Even though I sort of hated her at that time it didn't mean that I didn't feel guilty for leaving her. However I am so grateful that she allowed me the choice to go wherever I was happiest.

I'd spent 13 years on top of my sister, brother and mums' toes always feeling cramped so when the opportunity came to have my own space, I took it! The most difficult part of moving out for me was not seeing Laura (my younger sister) as much as I wanted to. In the beginning I was so happy to be away from her, as being so close in age was very difficult particularly when you're both teenagers! 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss going home to my mum and talking about my day, or chatting with Laura before bed about school and gossip and stuff like that! I miss playing sing star and screaming down the stairs at my mum to turn the radio down as she blared music whilst making tea.  Truthfully I miss having a mum to come home and cry with after a hard day. I never realised how much girls need there mums up to now, because you never realise what something means to you until its gone.

Living with my dad has been fantastic though, I've got my own room and space to breath! Space to scream at the world for sucking but also to dance around my room! My relationship with Laura is also better as she has her own space, however I often worry that she hates me sometimes for leaving her. She denies it but I was always there for her as a sister and friend but also as an outlet to scream at! I rely on her just as much as she relies on me.  Overall, I'm glad I left my mums house 2 years ago.  

To finish I would like to say that if any parents are out there with children who want to leave home to go live with there dad or mum, I think you should let them (obviously that has exceptions), because at the end of the day, though it may be unbearably hard to begin with they will come back to you in one way or another because children and young people need their mums and dads no matter how much they deny it.

My darling Abigail, watching you leave was the hardest thing I've ever done as a mum but to let you go was to set you free to find yourself and it worked, when you left you were angry and cross and you hated me on the outside but I always knew that one day we would have the best relationship and I am so proud of that, we laugh together and sometimes we cry together, we talk about everything, some things we do just to freak out your sister, heehee  I will always love you and I do miss you every day that I don't see you but I hope we make up for it in the times we are together, I'll never stop being grateful that you are my wonderful amazing Abigail and I am proud of you every single day, I love you so very much.

Separation, 2 Years On, The Unwanted Anniversary

Two years ago today my entire life crumbled when Paul walked out, a month later Abigail went too and life would never be the same again.  On one hand it seems that 2 years have passed in the blink of an eye, that so much has happened and I'm in the best place I could be right now, I have the most amazing relationship with all of my children and I haven't spoken to Paul for several months but then there are the dark moments that catch you unaware, sometimes in the wee small hours of the morning when there's no one around and your heart aches because you feel so lonely or even worse, a passing moment, a smell, a song, a memory which still leaves you feeling like your heart is broken irreparably and you wonder if it will ever be mended again.  It's still so hard to look back when every memory of the last 15 years or so contains you both and that is only going to change with the passage of time, I have no doubt it could take me as long to heal as the time I spent married.

I've seen other marriages end and spoken to single mums who're now in new loving relationships, some are even married to their soulmates and here I am still single and unable to have even a conversation with the opposite sex, if a man comes towards me in a bar I literally become terrified, my anxiety towards a new relationship or even a date is so impossibly high that I don't think it's likely to happen anytime soon.

I wanted to write an honest post and I wanted to be positive but at the same time I can't lie and say I'm fine now because I'm not, mostly I am happy living as I am, I have amazing friends, brilliant children and fantastic adventures and experiences, I have a dog I adore who wakes up cuddled in to me as tight as she possibly can be, some days I wake up wearing a beagle hat or with her paws resting on my cheek and life is rarely boring!  Inside though I am still yearning for the family I lost and if I could turn back time (sorry Cher) then I have no doubt that I absolutely would.  Abigail asked me a couple of weeks ago, "why do you want to spend so much time with me, why do you always want me to stay over?" and I answered her and told her that because each day I don't see her, it kills a little part of me, and now they have a new house in Cramlington so I won't see her every day anymore as they won't be picking Looby up for school although I am happy for her that she finally has a house which is a home for her and her dad.  I guess that brought it finally home though that we would never be a family again.

So now I can finally get divorced without a word of blame being passed and it still feels ridiculous to me that you can get divorced if you love someone but if I wait until I don't I may be waiting forever and who knows, once I am finally, totally and completely free I will relax a little and maybe my anxiety won't stop me speaking to other men and maybe I'll finally have a chance of meeting someone because I really don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own, mourning for an unrequited love.

Tomorrow I will be fine again, I'm sure, but just today, it's raining, it's dull and my heart is aching, and whilst it's not the blog post I wanted to write today I feel like if I write this and get it out there I not only heal myself a little but who knows who out there might be reading, maybe you're in the same place and if you are let me offer you a virtual hug from one who knows, 99 out of 100 days you feel like you could really conquer an army and that's the thing we all have to focus on, because 1 day really is just one day and soon this feeling too will pass.

Anxiety, Panic attacks and the passive aggressive personality

I've noticed something lately dear reader, when I am on my own and left to get on with my life I have less anxiety than I've had for over 15 years.  There's something about living your life constantly walking on egg shells but I spent a lot of the time which has passed before me never knowing what would be the next thing to trigger the dark cold silences.  When they happened all emotion would be switched off like a punishment and situations could become so tense that in myself I would want to just explode and break down.  I remember in the early years of our marriage and I would go and hide in the loo and cry before coming out like nothing had happened because that's another thing about people with passive aggressive tendencies, they can't can't handle emotion.  I was actually told "I can't handle your emotions so if you want to talk to me about something you better not cry"  and so of course I learnt to shut those emotions away and I went from being someone who cried at most things (kittens, puppies and romantic movie endings) to someone who has massive problems unlocking her own emotions to be able to let them out.

I want my children to be able to express all of their emotions whatever they are, don't get me wrong, give me a primary school nativity play and I am still a weeping mess which is exactly as it should be but I've lost the ability to break down and get deep seated pain out of my system, this has of course over the years lead to anxiety and panic attacks and during my marriage if that happened that was as bad as being emotional, there would be anger and almost a "pull yourself together" attitude.  When I went through my years of dark emotional mental health I really wasn't as supported as I should have been, it was only ever when it got to crisis points and I was just about to see doctors that the darkness would soften and kindness would be shown because of course the passive aggressive person never wants anyone else to think badly of them.  You know they're often the kind of people who will do anything for anyone, it's not a selfless act though, it's so they can believe that people will think highly of them.

I spent my life proclaiming our love and telling everyone how amazing my husband was, he loved it, he drank it up, before nights out he would ask me how he looked and expect compliments, it wasn't exactly reciprocated and if anyone else gave me compliments he hated that, possibly because of his deep seated jealousy issues, there been more than one or two male friends warned off over the last fifteen years even though I would never ever have done any misdeed and it's just a case of me having lots of lovely male friends as well as lovely female friends.

There's worse stuff of course, deeper darker stuff which I'd prefer to not put out there, I have no problems with my children reading this blog because it's the truth, a document of my life and they themselves will only read it when they feel able but I don't want to cause more mental scars than they already have.

If you are in a similar situation you must know that you are never to blame, no matter how bad you feel and if you are reading and you recognise these behaviours in yourself please consider going and getting some help, I think it is possible to change but therapy needs to occur so you can deal with the very deep seated issues which caused the behaviours in the first place, passive aggressive is definitely a learned behaviour and so perhaps with cognitive therapy it's also possible to unlearn those destructive personality aspects.

I hope this post hasn't been too depressing for a Friday, the good news for me is that given 6 months I think I shall probably not suffer from anxiety and panic attacks anymore, I still have times but that's because of the last grasps of control which are still occurring despite me being free, one day though, full on sparkle with no hint of ever being frightened again!

How to recognise and survive a passive aggressive relationship

When I think about it now, the man I married and spent my life with was always hot headed, irrational and possessive but I chose not to see it.  We do that don't we?  We meet people and then we ignore all of their flaws because we want to see only the good in people, we want to believe in true love and meeting that special someone you can spend the whole of the rest of your time on earth.  If there's one thing that life has taught me about the passive aggressive relationship it's that you can never win.  I have literally trawled the internet and read books seeking to find the person who managed to stay in a successful relationship despite having a partner who was passive aggressive. Often the problem with passive aggressive personalities is that the cause is so deep seated they're often not aware of their own controlling behaviour. 

I think it can almost be an involuntary compulsion to control and if you couple that with a heady hint of a narcissistic personality then they're so far to believing that they are perfect and everyone else is at fault that they'll never acknowledge control or indeed ever doing anything that was less than perfect behaviour.  In my own personal case even the alcoholism was justified as being something he had to do to remain married to me.

People with control issues, particularly passive aggressive personalities can often be the loveliest most charming people you could hope to meet, they will lavish you with gifts (they want others to know how perfect they are) but often they'll set you up to fail at something and that can be quite difficult to understand, for instance they'll forget that special date that you had booked and if you confront them they'll just deny all knowledge and then they may huff or strop so you feel that it's your fault until you actually start questioning if you ever had the conversation.  They really do thrive on you thinking it's all your fault but if you are reading this and nodding along let me just say now, it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong and this is all part of the game of control.

Let me give you another example of control which is so subtle that you can mistake it for someone being in love with you, so you're out with friends and you get text messages asking when you are coming home, they miss you so much, they can't survive without you for hours, they want you to come home so they can love you and hug you and be with you, you are their world.  Let me just put this out there as being a huge warning sign.  In the 15 years of my marriage I've lost count of the times when I felt I had to go home from nights out because of the above or angry calls because there was nothing for dinner or they couldn't remember how to order dinner, when I look at these things now I ask myself if I was actually crazy myself, a grown up adult should always be able to source food/cook something/have a few hours on their own.

If dear reader you are in this kind of situation please don't ever let yourself feel that you are anything less than good enough, I've struggled for years thinking I am a bad person and not good enough and I would hate others to go through the same thing, I guess that's one reason I chose to record this journey, to get it out there, because the victims of silent control might not have bruises but that doesn't mean the damage isn't there.  I don't wish to be categorised as a victim however, I am most definitely an expert in survival and no matter what happens in my future I'm going to survive and grow and flourish like the sparkly person I have inside of me.

Love and Regret

I can remember the moment I fell in love with my husband, it was 15 years ago and we were on a date, Iain was there too and he met me in town, gave me flowers, took us out for dinner and watching him with Iain I just knew that I'd fallen in love with him, it took approximately 7 weeks for that to happen, the funny thing is that I think falling in love is always something you are so aware of, it hits you like a big love soaked punch in the face.  

Even at that early stage though things were not straight forward, he felt he could only tell me he loved me when he was drunk and it took a very long time for him to say it sober.  I perhaps should have seen this as a sign.

He didn't like Christmas, I am a complete addict to Christmas (I'm sure this you already know even if you've just become a regular blog reader) another sign for sure, sometimes though when you're in love you ignore warning signs because those chemicals overwhelm all sensibilities you might have an as I've already proclaimed on more than one occasion I am a woman who is most definitely ruled by my heart over my head.

You can't of course live your life having regrets because after all if it hadn't been for those 15 years I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters and they were worth every single second of pain and anguish. There were also many amazing times and I am so conscious that in those first months after separation that you can lose them to anger and pain.  I don't want to lose those stories, they're the ones I have to tell my children, my grandchildren, it's part of who I am and who they'll be, every effect has a cause after all.

I am all too aware that I don't want to become a bitter and twisted effigy of my former self, after all I've pretty much lied to myself and everyone else that I was the happiest person on the planet for a long time, the thing is that often I lied to myself so well that I did feel that I was the happiest luckiest person on the planet.

I think I was often too guilty of putting so much love and effort into my marriage that I should have just put into the relationships I had with my friends and children, I'm just glad they forgive me and are letting me make it up to them now.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to share that with you today dear reader, one day I think I shall write a book and maybe put things into proper chronological order but I think for the time being you might just have to bear with the rambled thoughts of a scatterbrained 40 year old who still feels 30 until she looks into the mirror, maybe that's why I only have 3 of them in my whole house and no full length mirrors, I'd rather not look at the whole package thank you very much.

On a lighter note the wonderful lady from Beagle Welfare came yesterday and yay, it looks like we can have a Beagle as soon as the right one needs a new home and a lot of love, I'm so happy about this as are all of the children.

Oh and one more thing, after looking at my blog stats I found that I'm being discussed on a Sunderland supporters forum, I clicked off after the first page but if you're reading this, no it's not HDR crap, I don't use special software and if it was on the front of a Nanna's magazine then it would be the best damn Nanna's magazine that there is, also it's Nanna, not Nana!

Have a fabulous Sunday everyone, find some fake snow and pretend you're in a movie blizzard!

Hello November

Good morning dear reader and it's great to be back to regular blogging every day, last week it all fell apart really between shooting 20 portrait sessions over the course of 7 days and then dog sitting plus trying to squeeze in life and home, in fact I would go so far as to say it was complete chaos but there've been some lovely memories made and this week for me is really about getting back into a proper routine and also really making a huge effort to get up to date with work and business.  I'm aiming for that hallowed two weeks off at Christmas and I feel I can only really do that if business is up to date or I just worry.

Life has been ok though, it's getting better every day I think, I think I'm a pretty good single parent, I seem to remember all of the good things to do with the kids and I'm managing to shoe horn a great business into the times when I can work.

Last week I got 2 new lovely advertisers on my blog so I want you to say a huge welcome to Spark Cleaning Services and Verity Wealth Management.

Spark Plus Services specialise in domestic and office cleaning all over Newcastle and the North East of England and in fact they are coming for a meeting tomorrow because I need an extra pair of rubber gloved hands in my house, I may be many things but I am not full on supergirl and knowing that someone is going to come and work their magic in the core essential rooms of my house once a week is of great comfort and well worth the financial outlay.

Verity Wealth Management, well as their name suggests they're the people to go and see if you need financial advice and again I think it's probable that I need to go and have a chat with them about pensions and financial planning for my future, especially going through a divorce, i'm sure that makes things a little bit more complicated and I really need to make sure that the kids are looked after in the event that anything untoward happens to me, I know, I hope to live until I'm 100, probably really should get that pension sorted out, I can't see myself out photographing kids, families and weddings when I'm 92!!

One of the highlights of the half term holidays for the children was of course Halloween and Looby and I carved pumpkins, made a gingerbread scary house and she also rocked her halloween costume which was Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, Petunia provided her scary face as the wolf ;)

This went down incredibly well with all concerned, Petunia didn't quite manage the scary face but Looby came back home with enough sweeties to last until Christmas 2015 and I commend her for the effort that went into taking Petunia along for what was her first Halloween, I can't wait to see what she comes up with next year, something Game of Thrones themed perhaps?

Abigail came over for 4 days of the week and we all went down to Teeside to visit our lovely friend Li and her daughter on Saturday, what a fun day we had and we can't wait for Christmas together when they're staying over on Christmas day so that Li and I don't have to worry about indulging in a glass of Champagne or two, well it wouldn't be Christmas without being able to drink copious amounts of bubbly stuff all day, I never really manage to do this you know, I have a couple of glasses and then I'm usually craving a nice cup of tea if I'm honest!

This week I have photo shoots on a couple of days and then next weekend I have a photo shoot in Hexham in the park on Saturday so if any blog readers would like to take advantage and have a photo shoot at 11am on Saturday in the park at Hexham please do get in touch, it seems a shame to go all the way to Hexham and only do 1 photo shoot although Looby and I have already planned that we'll have a wonderful mooching around Hexham day afterwards.

Don't forget that weekday photo shoots start at only £25 for a photo shoot in Jesmond Dene, why not take advantage while the weather is still good and there are so many wonderful reasons to have photos, Christmas really is just around the corner now and thanks to Christmas 24 I'm assured of being able to watch Christmas movies at any time of the day or night.  They're not all what I would call totally amazeballs but they're festive and an easy watch, especially if I'm trying to work at the same time.  It's just a shame that the channel isn't in HD!

And so onwards as I launch myself into Monday, 2 photo shoots in Jesmond Dene this morning and then I am editing a wedding and doing album designs, luckily for me it's Monday and Iain picks Looby up on Mondays and then they go to Mcdonalds on the way home, it's their brother/sister bonding time, not that they need it at the moment, Iain sorted out Loobys laptop so she could have Minecraft installed and he helped her set everything up and she thinks he's the best brother ever, I do have the best kids ever!

Have a great day and may Monday be Magnificent!

Trying to regain control of my life

I wasn't sure I was going to blog today, I'm trying to take some time to process everything that has gone on lately, I realise how little control I've had over my own life and my destiny and I am trying to regain some of that at the moment.

I'm not really sure what I want from my life from this point on, happiness and contentment with my children and dog?  That's not too much to ask for is it?  I have no great plans to be with anyone other than myself for now and maybe forever, I just don't know really, I know that I have the best friends and the most supportive network of wonderful people who care about the kids and I.  I'm going to get some more therapy to help me process everything that has happened and hopefully change my behaviours so that it never happens again.

I have nothing to offer my children but love and affection which can't really compete with promises of ski-trips, puppies and whole new wardrobes of clothes but then I have no other financial support than what I earn myself, I just hope that the kids in the end will realise that feelings and love can't be bought, I fear this realisation may take a while.

Last night was movie night, our new weekly tradition, it went so well and my chalkboard is already full of suggestions for next weeks movie and food choices, it makes me happy that something which cost so little could be embraced so well.

Excuse the not very high quality of the iphone snap, it was getting dark and it's a miracle they're all actually in it together.  We did have Tacos and then we watched Malificent and of course there was popcorn and ice-cream.  Next weeks suggestions all seem quite Halloween related, I can't think how that happened ;)

You know, I think my main worry in everything that's happened is the misinformation being fed to the impressionable young minds I love, I'm only ever honest but it seems the very things which manipulated my mind for so very long are being used against the kids and I really have no control over this, I can only hope that one day they'll all read my blog and they might understand fully and completely how much I loved them and how hard I tried to stay married and how many chances I offered, I gave until I could give no more and I relinquished any control I had over and over again just to try and find some happiness and stability for us as a family as a whole, I thought we would be a family forever and right up until the very last juncture I tried to hold us all together.  I hate how fractured everything is now and if I had a magic wand or a time machine I would transport us all to a time of happiness and love.

Have a great weekend and I'll be back on Monday, hopefully much more positive, i'm really going to work on that this weekend.

Leopards can't change their spots

Yesterday I was faced with the horrible heartbreaking realisation dear reader that leopards really can't change their spots and no matter how many false promises someone makes their true colours will always show.

In the whole of my heart I lived with the hope that we would all be together again as a family one day, I didn't want to give up and I didn't want to have a failed marriage, I never wanted that but I realise that all of the things I have inside of me which make me feel like I've failed and make me feel like I wasn't good enough again were not caused by me.

Life I think in some respects is about to get much harder, without hope I have to go through the breakdown of utter heartbreak again but I was deluded to think that things could ever have been different, in as much as I wanted to hold together the fabric of our family I should have realised that it was ripped to shreds beyond repair long ago.

I think in some sense it's a bit of a relief because now I know the path before me and although I'm facing being lonely for a while I know in the end I'll be ok, one day I'm going to be quite brilliant and I shall sparkle on a daily basis.  I know now that I'm going to work hard to make my business amazing so that I can provide my children with every thing they'll ever need and I will do it on my own without any financial support and without complaint and each moment when I am not at work I shall use it to spend with my children so they know just how much I love and adore them, we'll make our house the best home ever, we'll have as many friends around as we want, we'll continue to rescue animals who need a second chance but I think we'll stick to the four legged ones.  We'll go on adventures to wherever we want and no one will ever be able to say "you can't do that."  I think I'm still in a better place than I was at the beginning of September because a lot of the things have just become clearer to me.  I know this much is true, if you love me, you love the whole of me and all of my children equally because all of my children are fabulous amazing people and I'll continue to tell them that every day.  When you're in a marriage or relationship you have to accept everyone in that unit, you can't pick and choose and you can never expect the other person to allow you to ignore or turn a blind eye to your hatred of any of them.  Mums will always choose their children above a man no matter how old their children are.

It's been hard of late with Abigail spending more time at her dads than at home but today she's going to be here when she finishes school, Iain broke up from college for half term on Wednesday and Looby broke up yesterday so by later this afternoon we'll all be together my children and I and we're having Tacos and it's movie night, Malificent being the movie of choice as it is a tenuously linked movie to Halloween and it's of course that time of year, let me just say that some of the suggestions on our board for this weeks movie had a definite Christmas theme but I am saving Elf  (btw, it's only £8 on blu ray on that linky thing) for another day.

Tomorrow I have a day off and I honestly have no idea what we'll do, we did have family plans but it really looks like we can't pretend anymore and they're just not going to happen, I think the most I can hope for is friendship one day, in the end you can't have someone on your own terms, I think my analysis of the situation was that while I wasn't wanted completely I was wanted enough to make sure that I could never move on and you can't do that, it's pretty clear cut for me, together as a family forever or get on with our own healing and lives being co-parents to our children and dog, you can't have it all and expect someone to have a weird courting sort of relationship with their own husband without a promise of anything else for years, I'll never accept second best even if it's heart breaking, one day someone will love me properly with their whole heart without any conditions or expectations that I'll ever be anything other than just me, it may be years before that happens, it may never happen but you never really truly know what's around the corner.

Have a great weekend and don't forget to love the ones you're with and be with the ones you love.

Clarity and the dawn of a brand new day

Yesterday I happened upon a quote dear reader, it simply said "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."  I didn't go looking for it, I just sort of happened upon it but it spoke to me and the way my heart is now feeling.  I started writing this blog post yesterday and it's changed completely to the piece I originally wrote, I think you should do that some times, I think you need to think about those powerful words you're about to say or write because the pen is almost certainly mightier than the sword.

I met a friend for coffee yesterday, someone completely unbiased and we've not known each other for very long but she herself had been through something similar and  in my own mind I could no longer pretend. For the last few years at least, I had tried everything to try to correct an untenable situation so very many times, I tried to change, but in reality, nothing I could do would make me ever good enough in the eyes of another.

I don't think I can be  hurt any more by the demons of the present or the ghosts of the past, for today I can finally say, "Onwards into a brave new world."

I recognised that sometime yesterday the fog really did start to clear from my mind leaving me so much lighter and brighter than I have felt for the last 2 weeks and though I cannot deny that the path which lies ahead is going to be an incredibly difficult map to navigate I also know that I can do it, I can be the captain of my own ship, I can sail through the storm, adjusting my sails as I go and one day I will emerge on the other side to a beautiful sunrise.

I guess for everyone in similar situations dealing with loss, one day you will feel the same, it's like clarity, I'm not sure if it always suddenly occurs and I hope that it's not one of those moments of clarity you sometimes get which is set on the path ahead to misguide you because it's not really clarity at all but a demon from your mind leading you down the wrong road.

So today I want to focus on the future, we cannot change the past, even if it was only a moment ago, all we can do is reassess, learn from it and move on, we cannot erase the past either but we must learn to look back without a judgement so clouded that all we see are those dark tumultuous storms which hung so heavy in the sky that they enrobed the sunshine hiding it from our view.

Today really is a brave new world, somewhat scary if I'm honest, I've lived so many years thinking I would be with the comfort of companionship for the rest of my days and now I must forge onwards not knowing what the future holds but if I search in my soul there is already at least one part which finds the future journey just a little bit exciting.

Maybe you can start your new beginning today...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Here were are 2 weeks on dear reader, trying to get along with life and feeling quite frankly that nothing is really improving and more so in some respects things are getting worse, just like Neil Sedaka sang, Breaking up really is very hard to do.

It's so hard to try and remember that there are things which are beyond your control and things which are no longer your responsibility, it's really hard to shut your brain off and not worry when the person you've spent so many years with but who hurt you so badly over and over comes to you a shell of their former self and says they can't cope with their kids, their dog, themselves, I think in retrospect I should have just refused any help or conversation but that's not me and when you are worried for the sanity of someone you just have to do what you can do to make sure they're ok and that they're going to get proper medical and mental health help as soon as they possibly can.

Life is so complicated because I'm not just sharing it with someone who decided they didn't want to be here anymore, I'm also sharing it with that persons mistress, paranoia.

Paranoia is a horrible and terrible illness, I've seen her in action before, she strips away the rational and replaces it with some of the craziest things you can imagine, things which the ordinary person would reject as pure fantasy but for the person with paranoia in their heads it's so difficult to do anything but sympathise, empathise and try to help that person regain some kind of reasoned thinking.

My mental health in all of this has been remarkably stable, I think the fact that I've never tried to hide it away or pretend it doesn't exist and furthermore that I openly speak about it helps immensely but I do empathise with those who feel they can't admit it because they feel it would mean admitting that they too suffer from the same human conditions as the rest of us.

My plans for the immediate future have had to change and that's fine by me, for every minute I am not working I shall be there with my children, my dog, my cats, the people and creatures who cannot exist without some input from me, I shall embrace each and every one even if they fight against it, Abigail for instance told me she hated me about 6 or 7 times just in the space of an evening but I'm used to it, she always apologises and I know she's struggling so hard to understand the change and her own demons, it's difficult enough to deal with a simple straightforward life when you are 12 going on 13 (or what feels like 23 when it comes to Abigail who's been grown up since she was 2 in her opinion).  I know she loves me really and she's just struggling to come to terms with everything.

My life as I knew it is over and my life as it will be hasn't begun yet, everything is on hold, I am in limbo just waiting and reacting to every new situation which unfolds and evolves, it's hard but I remind myself that one day things will be fabulous again, I'll go out on my own with friends and have fun, I'll laugh with gay abandon and I won't have to worry about anyone but me (and maybe the kids and animals because you do that don't you, whether they're 6 or 66?).  Whilst I'd be a lot happier to forge onwards to a brave new future I'm not going to let the limbo get me down, I try to smile every day, I hug my children and my animals who make my heart smile at every opportunity.

Today, if you're hurting, you feel your life is on hold or you are living in limbo please take a moment to find something lovely to smile about, it doesn't matter how small it is but almost certainly by letting some sunshine into your soul you'll be ensuring the protection of your own mental health and if you can't find anything to smile about I'll give you this one, my dog, Social Media Petunia using Facebook of course!

Have a good day today!

The Inevitable Consequence of Co-Parenting

I slept an hour later this morning dear reader, Petunia went with her daddy yesterday and is staying at his house later and Abigail is going to go and stay with her dad tonight when she finished school, Looby is off to the Hawkhurst residential camp with school until Friday and the inevitable consequence is that I already miss my doggy and when my children aren't here they each take a piece of my heart with them.

Don't get me wrong, I love that we can co-parent our children, there's not a hint of acrimony which is great for the whole family but never at any point in my life did I wish to bring up our girls and our dog in 2 different houses.  It makes my heart ache and I'm sure when they're not with Paul he probably feels exactly the same.

I took Abigail to the doctors last night, after posting yesterday that she was doing so much better, when I went to wake her for school she just couldn't get out of bed, the doctor said she's understandably depressed and she's suffering from anxiety, she prescribed that she called an association called Streetwise and got herself some counselling, there's nothing which feels like you have failed as a parent to know that your daughter needs counselling, extra help which you couldn't provide, a need you couldn't meet, it makes me so very sad.

I'm going to a co-working event today, to say that I am dreading it is a complete understatement, I'm just not ready for a chit chat about how is business doing, how are things with my book etc, these are questions I can't even answer myself yet and I think that if I make it even to lunchtime then I am going to call it a success, the same goes for getting to 10am without hiding under my desk a gibbering wreck.

You may have noticed that this blog post isn't so overwhelmingly positive as past posts, I think I'm struggling a little at the moment, I think it's like that in those first few days and weeks of separation, some days you pull your socks up and feel you can conquer a small country and on other days your socks are wrinkled at your ankles and you feel you'll be defeated at any moment, there is no rhyme or reason for this other than the fact that loss is a very difficult thing to deal with in our human psyche, I know that it will get better with the passage of time, I just wish that I had a Tardis to transport myself 6 months into the future.

So today, I think I need to say that it's ok to be sad when you're dealing with loss or divorce or separation but that we all know from the experience of others that it does improve, it will get better and in so very many cases the people in question emerge like a phoenix from the flames in a much better state than they had been for a very long time.  It's a huge effort after all to save something which is essentially dying, I expended massive amounts of energy just walking on egg shells and not wanting to rock the boat because I knew that the next cross words would end up where I was left on my own, I tried to avoid all arguments and planned that if we could just get from summer to spring without any tension we would have survived another year, you can't stop a fast moving train on a crash course though can you?

Mental health and me...

My life over the last week or so has been anything but normal, not that normal is a state that suits me dear reader but all routine seems to have gone out of the window and been replaced by a new routine I'm having trouble adjusting to.  I feel tired all of the time because I'm not sleeping well and in those moments when I do sleep well I have a husky who doesn't seem to sleep well either.  Sometimes Looby is sleeping next to me, usually shaped like a starfish and snoring, other times she's off being a social butterfly and the space in my bed feels a little chilly and I have too much room.  I'm sure I'll get used to this, more than that I think I'll learn to embrace it, it's those little things though isn't it? Things which were part of the normal routine of the house which aren't anymore but at the same time it's strange how quickly new routines have been formulated.  Blogging for instance, I have a routine of blogging in the morning before the rest of the house is awake, it's when I think better, write better...

I seem to have a clearer head at 7am in the morning than I do at any other time of the day, by afternoon my thought processes are jumbled with the events of the day, there seems to be a new event every day which I can't yet make sense of, things which were said are turned on their heads so that my whole situation becomes unfathomable.

I've had a lot of messages of support from people who care or messages from people who tell me that I'm helping them as they go through the same or even slightly different life events of their own and it's heartwarming to know that.  My decision to be public was not brought with any malice and I really stay away from going into minute detail which I don't feel would be helpful to talk about, in truth though I've always lived my life on line, well for the past 10 years, if it hadn't of been for on line friendships, many which still exist today, I would not have gotten through the years of agoraphobia which blanketed my life several years ago.

Mental health is a strange and funny mistress, when you recover from a challenge you build up a myriad of coping strategies so that you never end up in the same place again, for me that means medication daily, writing as a therapeutic tool and friendships on and offline which feed the very essence of my soul and reassure me that if I got to the point of being overwhelmed by mental health those friends would notice and tell me that maybe I should see someone.  Luckily that hasn't happened and I don't think it will, I feel a great strength and determination with my relationship with bi-polar and with medication at the base of the treatment that I've had for as long as Looby has been on the planet I know that it's unlikely that I would ever be as seriously ill as I was 10/11/12 years ago.

Today I want to say that even though as a society we're only really starting to accept mental health challenges as real and proper illnesses and we still don't talk about them enough, don't feel you ever have to suffer in silence, even speaking to a friend who might help, advise or even hold your hand when you go to see the doctor, there's just no shame in seeking that extra hand of help at difficult vistas in your life,  for some it means daily medication for the rest of their lives whilst for others they just need a little lift while life gets back on track.

Be kind to yourself dear readers and have a lovely weekend.

In the wee small hours of the morning...

I woke up singing this today, ironically it was 5.30am dear reader!  I've always alternated between someone who could sleep for Britain and the ultimate insomniac.  I suppose that it's to be expected that the insomnia would creep up and get me at this juncture of my life.

I have some rules for life which I try to live by every day - 

1. Be as lovely as you can be every day
2. Be as positive as you can be every day
3. Do good deeds whenever possible 

and yesterday I decided to add number 4 to that list - Just try to do at least one thing every day to make my house lovelier.

I think it's good to set yourself targets to live by, obviously there are days which are tougher than the others but I guess that's all part of the challenges of life.

There is one good thing about the early mornings and the late nights, I write so well at the moment, I find that I get all of those jumbled thoughts out of my mind every morning and it leaves me ready to start the day with a clear head.

I've spoken this week about healing at the passage of time, although I haven't had a time where I have wept inconsolably there are definitely times when the tears come and sometimes by surprise.  I was talking to Paul yesterday about the future and those tears tumbled down my cheeks, salty tears of emotions collected over the years which at times were held back for fear that if I started to cry I may never have stopped.  We had some really difficult times but then we had the best of times too, and sometimes they were intertwined. 

I'm happy that I think we've achieved a strange kind of friendship again, especially at this early juncture but I think that's the thing which will ensure that our children come through this as unscathed as possible.  One thing I hadn't mentioned is that I now share my bedroom with Looby, where Abigail needs space, Looby needs her mum and so I now have in my bedroom, a Petunia, a Looby, 22 My Little Ponies, an original Cabbage Patch doll called Rupert Matlock Smythe and a very curious and slightly sinister china Welsh doll, I haven't asked what her name is!

My message today is that it's ok to cry and have emotions as long as they don't overwhelm all that you are, it's only when we get those emotions out there that we can really begin to heal.

I'm going to go into the office on Monday, I have to work, I can't stay home forever, I need to support myself and my children and that's not going to happen if I hide away in the corner of my room forever.  I'm lucky really that business is so successful that I'm full at weekends until the end of October!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, be kind to yourself and others and maybe do just one thing to make the surroundings in which you live just that little bit lovelier.

Healing, forgiving yourself and the passage of time

It's been 7 days since life changed forever dear reader, I'm not going to get all Sinead o Connor about it so please don't worry but as I awoke this morning in my brave new world I had the realisation that life will keep speeding by with the same swift pace it always has whether I embrace it or not.  It's only a few weeks ago when I was musing with my daughter Looby at just how quickly the year had passed and in just a few weeks Christmas will once again be the big countdown event that we're all looking forward to.

I have an app called Timehop on my phone, over the last few days it's made me quite sad to see photos from this time last year when we were embracing all things Canarian on our big family holiday to Puerto Rico and having such wonderful fun, I even thought I might just uninstall it for a while because happy memories of 2/3/4 years ago were making my heart ache just a little but then again it's good to remind ourselves that for 10 years out of the 14 year marriage we were amazing, we were like 2 peas in a very odd pod.  It's only when you look at it like that you realise just how easy it is to be bitter or twisted when you split up with someone, I see it all the time, people are hurting so badly that they focus on all of the bad things which hurt them so they can get over the love that in those first few days/weeks/months they're still feeling.  I have a ton of love still in my heart, you can't actually erase 14 years just like that but I don't want to be someone who cringes at every memory I have in my head and even in 5 years time some of my best memories are going to be ones I had with Paul, we have our girls who've given us beautiful wonderful times, the best times and I don't want that to be marred by negative thoughts.

To be honest I'm not even sure if I think there's a need to deeply analyse what went wrong, 1. I'm pretty sure I already know and 2.  What would be the point when it's not going to change anything?  I'm all for analysis and putting things right but this particular thing isn't fixable as a unit.

Last year Paul and I went to Relate for 6 months and somewhat I think it made a deeper wedge between us because for the first time in 14 years we just sat down and set out our stall, laid out our issues and what we discovered was that neither of us particularly wanted to change some of them because they were the building blocks which made us.  I had been trying to change for years whilst he had a refusal to change his core values, it's fine though, I guess it just highlighted our fundamental differences.

So today I want you to forgive yourself for being the person you are because you only ever have to be true to yourself, your inner core values have been with you for years and you don't have to change those for anyone, yes it's OK to try and grow and be a fuller better person, we should all strive to be doing that on a daily basis, that's how we evolve to live happier,  better and more fulfilling lives but those things which are inwardly there at the base of your very psyche, well they're yours, your fundamental building blocks and you never have to apologise to anyone for being the person that you are today.

Divorce is a 7 letter word

Tammy Wynette dear reader, she sang about it didn't she?  "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" although she also sang about standing by her man, bit of a mixed message there then ;)

Yesterday I agreed to let Paul divorce me on grounds of irreconcilable differences, lets just take a moment to think about that, we had issues so deep that we simply couldn't meet in the middle or make compromises so that we could stay together.  I think that might be true somewhat but then I would have kept trying.  It seems strange to me that I couldn't sort out a problem with the person I called my soul-mate and my best friend.  Of course it's just language solicitors use so that you can get a divorce when your relationship fails but it's no ones fault.  I don't really agree with that either as I think I tried to love as much as I could love every single day of our entire relationship. I don't fully understand the need for the expediency of the process although I do understand we need time to heal and recognise the need to move on, we seem to have been able to retain some kind of friendship even at this early stage and that makes me feel happy because we need to be a strong unit together or apart for our children.

Our girls have been dealing with things in their own way, Looby is remarkably unscathed but then she's happy and hopeful, that's how she lives, the message I've given her every day since I took a vow of positivity in 2008 worked, you can't find anyone more positive than Looby.  I do though wish I could say the same for Abigail though as she's really struggling, my poor daughter is depressed and because she deals with emotions inwardly and feels she can't express them and doesn't trust anyone enough to share them (and because she's 12 and full of destructive hormones) she's really very angry and the mood swings are gargantuan.  I've told her though that if she needs to be angry then she can shout and scream at me and tell me she hates me and that it's all my fault and I'll take it and I won't stop loving her even for a second.  She's still resisting going to the doctors and she's been told that if she doesn't go to school today then we're going to get in trouble so I feel like I can't protect her from this world in the way that I'd like, how can you send your child to school when she feels like she's covered in a pile of bricks, that she doesn't have the strength to get out of bed, that she wants to curl into a ball under the covers and never come out?  I so wish I was in the place that I feel I am now, 10 years ago, I would have home educated and I would have known so many others doing the same thing.  I didn't then of course and I was struggling with my own mental health at the time.

I don't know what lies ahead for my daughters, my son and I but all I can do is tell them I love them 10 times, 20 times, 50 times a day if they need it, if you have children tell them you love them, that they're the best little people (or big people) in the whole world, tell them every day how valued they are, lift them up and embrace them so that they feel whole and unbroken and ready to be able to face anything, if you do that and there are hard times you will have given them the tools they need to cope with the tricky waters they're going to to sail through.

You only have to be good enough

7 hours, dear reader, 7 whole hours, that's exactly how long it took to clean, reorganise and declutter my kitchen, I could have run a marathon in 7 hours, well possibly, I'm really not a runner, in fact I have trouble running for the bus, I can say honestly though that once my house is finished I shall be employing a cleaner, parenting and running a business and trying to have a life is not going to leave enough time for cleaning that's for sure!

I'm thinking of having several new Pinterest boards to help me in my quest to have a beautiful artists house, if you're on Pinterest do feel free to follow me and throw some ideas at me.

When I came to a decision yesterday to just take it easy on myself, live one day at a time and be good to myself and others it felt like such a relief, as my daughter Looby reminded me "all you need to be is happy and hopefully mammy".  This is something that I've told her about a million times in her nearly 11 years on this earth.  I'm usually such a wonderfully positive person full of love and warmth for others but I'm definitely right in saying that it's a lot more easy in life when you're a positive person to deal with difficult issues.  These last few days positive Polly the parrot nearly fell off the perch but I think I've regained my standing, my balance and composure and as I remarked to my girls dad last night, we need to be together as parents and friends to guide our children through the waters ahead even if we're not truly sure what's out there.  I think the inevitability of divorce is not a situation I would have ever chosen but I plan to come through it with grace, dignity and children who are as happy as they can be in that situation in which they get no choice.

As I stood in the kitchen last night with my girls around the kitchen table doing homework, chatting and laughing I realised that life is actually good, yes, not all of it is 24 carat best day ever but my children give me so much joy and strength, they make me laugh and they're at an age where they can talk, chat and understand things so I realise our situation could be much worse and many peoples are.

The redefinition of self is something which will come in time but I don't need to redefine myself as a mum of Abigail, Looby and Iain for I had been that forever and I'm definitely proud of the fact that I'm a good mum, I'm a mum who believes in laughter and cuddles and treats and in talking about feelings and occasionally screaming them loud if that's what we feel we must do and when the teenage tantrums happen "I hate you mum, you're the worst mum in the world" followed later by "I'm really sorry mum, I didn't mean that" I tell them that it's OK, it doesn't matter what they say because I'm their mum, I'll love them wholly and completely, it's OK if they need someone to be angry at, I have big shoulders.

So remind yourself today just what a brilliant mum or dad you are, be easy on yourself and think about all the good things you have in life even if life isn't quite so perfect as you wish and just remember the most important thing anyone ever told me - You only have to be good enough.

On redefining and new beginnings

This weekend dear reader has been such a mix of emotions and I guess this is going to continue, for so very long I've been a happy and positive person, the fact is that even though our relationship had been in trouble for quite some time I was still happy, I think I'm just someone who refuses to be anything other than happy, yes I really am that stubborn.

The truth is that our relationship was ill, it was like a cluster of termites eating the way through the foundations of our relationship slowly. Because it's the 4th consecutive year I'd ended up on my own when Sept/Oct hit we were all more prepared for it than we gave ourselves credit.

I do not wish this blog to become a bitter dissection of a troubled marriage, I have no bitterness, no anger, no wish to place blame, I'm sad, my heart hurts and I feel lonely, but in the corners of the darkness I'd felt that anyway.  In the end it was relief because I never would have made the move but I know it perhaps went on for 2 years longer than it should have.  We tried marriage guidance, I still think that's a recommended path when you hit the bumpy bits you might not be able to steer yourself over.

Our girls are ok, they're hurting but they still have 2 parents who love them and care for them and will do anything they can for them and as for Iain, he has me and as I've said before, one awesome parent is really all any child needs.

I've written now for the last 10 years, I've opened up about my mental health, my troubled childhood with a dysfunctional mentally unwell mother, (who is still actively stalking my children and I) my business, my family, my life.  I always figured that there are others out there in similar situations who might just need to read something and know they're not alone.

I guess my biggest challenge will be redefinition, both of myself and of my business and life goals, my business will continue to grow and thrive but I will take on an ever decreasing amount of weddings, I love them but I can only do so much and my family portraiture business is sizeable now and my girls come along with me when I photograph kids and family so it's the perfect single parent career.  I want to focus more on writing and blogging, and my book?  Well that's the biggest question I have yet to answer, for now I need to be there for my children as much as I possibly can be, I'm not sure spending time alone in a hotel room is the thing I need or indeed they need right now.

I've already started new beginnings, I've rearranged furniture, I've put up new photographs and paintings and room by room I hope to redecorate and redefine the space which surrounds us, and photos, new family photos, I really want to do that, I've shot portraits for people redefining their families and I've always thought it such an important healing thing to do so I want to do that myself for the children and I.

Friends are the most important thing, the messages of support have simply been amazing and last night when the kids were away I got to go out again for the first time in 2 years for a night of fun and laughter, it felt strange and weird, a brave new world, a world I don't quite understand yet but that I'm sure I'll fit into one day soon.

I have not stopped believing in true love, soul mates or life long relationships, Plato said "All love is pursuit of the whole" and I still believe that one day I'll find someone who will love and embrace all that I am and in turn I will with them, never give up hope, never!

On being a single parent...

My wonderful, beautiful, amazing son is 18 tomorrow dear reader, I hope you'll be the first to join me in congratulating him in reaching this pretty epic event and life stage, he told me he really doesn't have any wish to go and get drunk and then vote which is a shame really, it seems like a fun way to do things and maybe the best way to vote!

When I gave birth to Iain I was married but alone, a single parent and now at the precipice at the ending of this era of his childhood I find myself once again married, alone, facing divorce and being a single parent of 3 kids, 3 cats and a rescue husky.

My favourite quote is "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be love in return" I think I would like to replace that with the "hardest"  Just when you think your life is sorted, wrapped up, tied with a bow and decorated with icing it's true to say that you never really see what's coming around that next corner until it whacks you in the nose.

I don't wish to be maudlin even though my heart needs a plaster, preferably a colourful waterproof one with a hug on it.

We'll be fine my fabulous family and I, after all, all you need is 1 great parent, 1 family member who would poke their own eyeballs out for you if the situation arose.  I don't profess to being the greatest mum in the world, I just try hard to love every day and tell my children how much they are loved and valued every day.

I'm 40 years old, I probably have another 60 or so years left on this earth, I'm hopeful, I'm always hopeful, even at this very newly single life stage I have to believe that I won't spend the rest of my days as an effigy of Miss Haversham even if she is one of my most favourite Dickens characters.

I need some time now though to let the dust settle, business can wait just for a moment, a couple of days to adjust, to hug the kids tight, tell them I love them and tell them that in the end we'll be ok, we'll be better than ok, we'll be technicolour fabulous with purple stripes of amazing.

Normal service will be resumed on Monday...