Day 10 and I'd set myself a goal that I would return to work proper this week, I've still been fulfilling some of my commitments but a lot of the admin stuff and the things I really need to think about are sitting there still undone because my mind is such a jumble dear reader.

Day 10 and I have more questions than answers, the biggest of which is the one I need help with, how can two people who still love each other very much be unable to be together?   It's the thing that makes no sense and yet it's fact.  Around this time last year or maybe a little more into October we found ourselves in exactly the same position and so we went to Relate to try and get some external help and guidance, we pretty much attended every week until the middle of April and I think most weeks we just argued without any resolution or I would simply give in and try to carry on regardless no matter how much I disagreed, I just wanted to be ok, to carry on regardless, to shut out the negativity and carry on with the positivity.  In the end I'm not sure if our counsellor had just had enough of us but when I think about it now I still don't know if we actually managed to resolve anything or if it just pointed out even more of our differences than ever before.

I do wonder if there's someone out there who could help us fix things and believe me when I say that I have trawled the internet looking for that person and all I have been left with are a myriad of even more questions.  I think though I would have to approach it as I am now, while I'm a bendable person ready to adapt I am not prepared to change the core values which I have inside of me today, I've tried that and it just doesn't work, I almost wish some times that I was still the person Paul met 14 years ago but I was so different then, maybe it is my fault somewhat because I literally couldn't be more different, I wonder if the friends who've known me throughout that time feel the same because it must be like spending time with a new person, it's the biggest unanswered question out there.

I think the way things currently are we are getting by quite well, our children seem happier and we seem to have recovered our friendship at least partially, yesterday Abigail and I had some wonderful time off from the world, from thinking and being and doing anything other than enjoying the company of each other and Petunia, my favourite moment of yesterday was when Abigail bought Petunia a matching poncho.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who left me a list of their 5 things which make them happy, I posted mine yesterday in the comments too but here they are again in case you missed them.

1. My beautiful children and the joy they bring me every day

2. Being able to express my thoughts and feelings through this blog

3. I have a huge support network of wonderful friends

4. My job, I love what I do 

5. Hope, I'm hopeful that one day everything will be ok once more

I'm sure that list will change and in fact it's good that it does change, just remember if you wrote it, it's always there to look at and remind you of things that make you happy even on the darkest days.

Today I want to say that work can wait, work for me has always been part of the centre of my universe, part of the stuff which makes me exist, at least for the last 8 or so years since I started my own business, although I don't have what I would call an addictive personality I certainly swapped the highs of partying for the highs that running a successful business can provide. I'm lucky that I love most aspects of what I do so I've not had to cancel any of the photo shoots I had planned and my diary is full until November but admin work can wait, in truth if you are going through the same thing or similar, work will exist long after you don't, we all feel ready to face things at a different pace and no matter what any one tells you or what others expectations are of you the very fact is that if you aren't healthy and focused you're just going to make a mess of any work that you attempt which may in the end put you in an even worse position.

I am going to go into my office tomorrow for the first time since early June and I am going to attempt some admin stuff but I am not going to beat myself up about the things I can't yet face, most people and clients will understand and if they don't understand then they weren't worth worrying about in the first place.

Whatever you're attempting this week remember that your health (mental and physical) is a billion times more important than the work that you do, don't put too much pressure on yourself to try and get back to normal straightaway, that's how people end up having breakdowns a couple of months in, I'd rather take a few weeks off and know that when I return to work I will catch up and forge onwards without more hiccups, I'll simply do it when I am ready

Healing, forgiving yourself and the passage of time

It's been 7 days since life changed forever dear reader, I'm not going to get all Sinead o Connor about it so please don't worry but as I awoke this morning in my brave new world I had the realisation that life will keep speeding by with the same swift pace it always has whether I embrace it or not.  It's only a few weeks ago when I was musing with my daughter Looby at just how quickly the year had passed and in just a few weeks Christmas will once again be the big countdown event that we're all looking forward to.

I have an app called Timehop on my phone, over the last few days it's made me quite sad to see photos from this time last year when we were embracing all things Canarian on our big family holiday to Puerto Rico and having such wonderful fun, I even thought I might just uninstall it for a while because happy memories of 2/3/4 years ago were making my heart ache just a little but then again it's good to remind ourselves that for 10 years out of the 14 year marriage we were amazing, we were like 2 peas in a very odd pod.  It's only when you look at it like that you realise just how easy it is to be bitter or twisted when you split up with someone, I see it all the time, people are hurting so badly that they focus on all of the bad things which hurt them so they can get over the love that in those first few days/weeks/months they're still feeling.  I have a ton of love still in my heart, you can't actually erase 14 years just like that but I don't want to be someone who cringes at every memory I have in my head and even in 5 years time some of my best memories are going to be ones I had with Paul, we have our girls who've given us beautiful wonderful times, the best times and I don't want that to be marred by negative thoughts.

To be honest I'm not even sure if I think there's a need to deeply analyse what went wrong, 1. I'm pretty sure I already know and 2.  What would be the point when it's not going to change anything?  I'm all for analysis and putting things right but this particular thing isn't fixable as a unit.

Last year Paul and I went to Relate for 6 months and somewhat I think it made a deeper wedge between us because for the first time in 14 years we just sat down and set out our stall, laid out our issues and what we discovered was that neither of us particularly wanted to change some of them because they were the building blocks which made us.  I had been trying to change for years whilst he had a refusal to change his core values, it's fine though, I guess it just highlighted our fundamental differences.

So today I want you to forgive yourself for being the person you are because you only ever have to be true to yourself, your inner core values have been with you for years and you don't have to change those for anyone, yes it's OK to try and grow and be a fuller better person, we should all strive to be doing that on a daily basis, that's how we evolve to live happier,  better and more fulfilling lives but those things which are inwardly there at the base of your very psyche, well they're yours, your fundamental building blocks and you never have to apologise to anyone for being the person that you are today.