Yesterday I happened upon a quote dear reader, it simply said "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."  I didn't go looking for it, I just sort of happened upon it but it spoke to me and the way my heart is now feeling.  I started writing this blog post yesterday and it's changed completely to the piece I originally wrote, I think you should do that some times, I think you need to think about those powerful words you're about to say or write because the pen is almost certainly mightier than the sword.

I met a friend for coffee yesterday, someone completely unbiased and we've not known each other for very long but she herself had been through something similar and  in my own mind I could no longer pretend. For the last few years at least, I had tried everything to try to correct an untenable situation so very many times, I tried to change, but in reality, nothing I could do would make me ever good enough in the eyes of another.

I don't think I can be  hurt any more by the demons of the present or the ghosts of the past, for today I can finally say, "Onwards into a brave new world."

I recognised that sometime yesterday the fog really did start to clear from my mind leaving me so much lighter and brighter than I have felt for the last 2 weeks and though I cannot deny that the path which lies ahead is going to be an incredibly difficult map to navigate I also know that I can do it, I can be the captain of my own ship, I can sail through the storm, adjusting my sails as I go and one day I will emerge on the other side to a beautiful sunrise.

I guess for everyone in similar situations dealing with loss, one day you will feel the same, it's like clarity, I'm not sure if it always suddenly occurs and I hope that it's not one of those moments of clarity you sometimes get which is set on the path ahead to misguide you because it's not really clarity at all but a demon from your mind leading you down the wrong road.

So today I want to focus on the future, we cannot change the past, even if it was only a moment ago, all we can do is reassess, learn from it and move on, we cannot erase the past either but we must learn to look back without a judgement so clouded that all we see are those dark tumultuous storms which hung so heavy in the sky that they enrobed the sunshine hiding it from our view.

Today really is a brave new world, somewhat scary if I'm honest, I've lived so many years thinking I would be with the comfort of companionship for the rest of my days and now I must forge onwards not knowing what the future holds but if I search in my soul there is already at least one part which finds the future journey just a little bit exciting.

Maybe you can start your new beginning today...

Day 10 - Getting back to work

Day 10 and I'd set myself a goal that I would return to work proper this week, I've still been fulfilling some of my commitments but a lot of the admin stuff and the things I really need to think about are sitting there still undone because my mind is such a jumble dear reader.

Day 10 and I have more questions than answers, the biggest of which is the one I need help with, how can two people who still love each other very much be unable to be together?   It's the thing that makes no sense and yet it's fact.  Around this time last year or maybe a little more into October we found ourselves in exactly the same position and so we went to Relate to try and get some external help and guidance, we pretty much attended every week until the middle of April and I think most weeks we just argued without any resolution or I would simply give in and try to carry on regardless no matter how much I disagreed, I just wanted to be ok, to carry on regardless, to shut out the negativity and carry on with the positivity.  In the end I'm not sure if our counsellor had just had enough of us but when I think about it now I still don't know if we actually managed to resolve anything or if it just pointed out even more of our differences than ever before.

I do wonder if there's someone out there who could help us fix things and believe me when I say that I have trawled the internet looking for that person and all I have been left with are a myriad of even more questions.  I think though I would have to approach it as I am now, while I'm a bendable person ready to adapt I am not prepared to change the core values which I have inside of me today, I've tried that and it just doesn't work, I almost wish some times that I was still the person Paul met 14 years ago but I was so different then, maybe it is my fault somewhat because I literally couldn't be more different, I wonder if the friends who've known me throughout that time feel the same because it must be like spending time with a new person, it's the biggest unanswered question out there.

I think the way things currently are we are getting by quite well, our children seem happier and we seem to have recovered our friendship at least partially, yesterday Abigail and I had some wonderful time off from the world, from thinking and being and doing anything other than enjoying the company of each other and Petunia, my favourite moment of yesterday was when Abigail bought Petunia a matching poncho.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who left me a list of their 5 things which make them happy, I posted mine yesterday in the comments too but here they are again in case you missed them.

1. My beautiful children and the joy they bring me every day

2. Being able to express my thoughts and feelings through this blog

3. I have a huge support network of wonderful friends

4. My job, I love what I do 

5. Hope, I'm hopeful that one day everything will be ok once more

I'm sure that list will change and in fact it's good that it does change, just remember if you wrote it, it's always there to look at and remind you of things that make you happy even on the darkest days.

Today I want to say that work can wait, work for me has always been part of the centre of my universe, part of the stuff which makes me exist, at least for the last 8 or so years since I started my own business, although I don't have what I would call an addictive personality I certainly swapped the highs of partying for the highs that running a successful business can provide. I'm lucky that I love most aspects of what I do so I've not had to cancel any of the photo shoots I had planned and my diary is full until November but admin work can wait, in truth if you are going through the same thing or similar, work will exist long after you don't, we all feel ready to face things at a different pace and no matter what any one tells you or what others expectations are of you the very fact is that if you aren't healthy and focused you're just going to make a mess of any work that you attempt which may in the end put you in an even worse position.

I am going to go into my office tomorrow for the first time since early June and I am going to attempt some admin stuff but I am not going to beat myself up about the things I can't yet face, most people and clients will understand and if they don't understand then they weren't worth worrying about in the first place.

Whatever you're attempting this week remember that your health (mental and physical) is a billion times more important than the work that you do, don't put too much pressure on yourself to try and get back to normal straightaway, that's how people end up having breakdowns a couple of months in, I'd rather take a few weeks off and know that when I return to work I will catch up and forge onwards without more hiccups, I'll simply do it when I am ready

Mental health and me...

My life over the last week or so has been anything but normal, not that normal is a state that suits me dear reader but all routine seems to have gone out of the window and been replaced by a new routine I'm having trouble adjusting to.  I feel tired all of the time because I'm not sleeping well and in those moments when I do sleep well I have a husky who doesn't seem to sleep well either.  Sometimes Looby is sleeping next to me, usually shaped like a starfish and snoring, other times she's off being a social butterfly and the space in my bed feels a little chilly and I have too much room.  I'm sure I'll get used to this, more than that I think I'll learn to embrace it, it's those little things though isn't it? Things which were part of the normal routine of the house which aren't anymore but at the same time it's strange how quickly new routines have been formulated.  Blogging for instance, I have a routine of blogging in the morning before the rest of the house is awake, it's when I think better, write better...

I seem to have a clearer head at 7am in the morning than I do at any other time of the day, by afternoon my thought processes are jumbled with the events of the day, there seems to be a new event every day which I can't yet make sense of, things which were said are turned on their heads so that my whole situation becomes unfathomable.

I've had a lot of messages of support from people who care or messages from people who tell me that I'm helping them as they go through the same or even slightly different life events of their own and it's heartwarming to know that.  My decision to be public was not brought with any malice and I really stay away from going into minute detail which I don't feel would be helpful to talk about, in truth though I've always lived my life on line, well for the past 10 years, if it hadn't of been for on line friendships, many which still exist today, I would not have gotten through the years of agoraphobia which blanketed my life several years ago.

Mental health is a strange and funny mistress, when you recover from a challenge you build up a myriad of coping strategies so that you never end up in the same place again, for me that means medication daily, writing as a therapeutic tool and friendships on and offline which feed the very essence of my soul and reassure me that if I got to the point of being overwhelmed by mental health those friends would notice and tell me that maybe I should see someone.  Luckily that hasn't happened and I don't think it will, I feel a great strength and determination with my relationship with bi-polar and with medication at the base of the treatment that I've had for as long as Looby has been on the planet I know that it's unlikely that I would ever be as seriously ill as I was 10/11/12 years ago.

Today I want to say that even though as a society we're only really starting to accept mental health challenges as real and proper illnesses and we still don't talk about them enough, don't feel you ever have to suffer in silence, even speaking to a friend who might help, advise or even hold your hand when you go to see the doctor, there's just no shame in seeking that extra hand of help at difficult vistas in your life,  for some it means daily medication for the rest of their lives whilst for others they just need a little lift while life gets back on track.

Be kind to yourself dear readers and have a lovely weekend.