What the hell just happened?  I was sitting at my desk quite happily, talking online with another fabulous lady about how happy I am in my life, how great being single is and how I wouldn't change it for the world when "I won't last a day without you" by The Carpenters plays and it makes me cry because it reminds me of my lost love, my soulmate who completed me.  I don't even know what it was about that song, I mean I love the song, I love The Carpenters but it doesn't really have any relevance to my former marriage/relationship.

It's been so long since I cried over Paul, I mean I'm in such a good place ordinarily, I've come full circle to being able to talk to people about how much I loved him, how much he truly was my soulmate and how at times we had movie love and that is one of the reasons I don't mind living a single life.  I genuinely don't believe that you find that in your life multiple times. 

Maybe I'm just cross and sad because I've had my turn at true love so early in my life and yet I'm still so young, the next 60 years probably are too long to spend on my own.

Life is funny like that isn't it, you think you are doing fine and then something, a sound, a fragrance, a memory has you transported back in time and suddenly you find you have salty tears running down your cheeks.

I guess the sad thing about Paul and I is that as far as I'm aware he still hates me so we don't speak at all and that's sad because we lost that friendship and we have children together, it's an easy existence I suppose because we have teenagers, so we have no need to see each other or even communicate but I do wish that sometimes we could at least chat!

I wonder if things will always be this way, with me embracing my singledom and merrily going along with sudden moments of abject loneliness?  Even the temporary ones which last from seconds literally seem to break my heart into pieces and it's often that they take me by complete surprise.  The heart it seems is such a curious thing, it's not that I ever want to forget some of the memories we made together and it's not like we should still be together because at the end we were hurting and killing each other, our children have flourished since we parted and that for me is everything, sometimes the happiness of your children is even more important than hanging on to a love which is for all intents and purposes no longer there.

My life now is better and better with every day that passes, it's been a long time coming but I've never been quite so organised in life and business as I am now, I feel for the first time that I have my shit together which is a little scary in itself, does this mean I am a grown up?  Do you know I actually bought a table and chairs on Friday?  I'd been admiring it in the window of Fenwick's for weeks and then I saw they were having a furniture clearance and there were my table and chairs I'd lusted after, half price too so I made the man take my money and I'm eagerly awaiting its arrival on Friday.  Now I should tell you that this is such a big thing, this is the first brand new table and chairs I've ever bought, it's white, scandi style and has the most fabulous chairs!  yep, I did it again, I got excited about a table!  Heaven help me, I think I might be a grown up!

And on that bombshell (Thanks, Jeremy) I'll slope off and think more about new furniture and less about old relationships.  Have a great week everyone!

Separation, 2 Years On, The Unwanted Anniversary

Two years ago today my entire life crumbled when Paul walked out, a month later Abigail went too and life would never be the same again.  On one hand it seems that 2 years have passed in the blink of an eye, that so much has happened and I'm in the best place I could be right now, I have the most amazing relationship with all of my children and I haven't spoken to Paul for several months but then there are the dark moments that catch you unaware, sometimes in the wee small hours of the morning when there's no one around and your heart aches because you feel so lonely or even worse, a passing moment, a smell, a song, a memory which still leaves you feeling like your heart is broken irreparably and you wonder if it will ever be mended again.  It's still so hard to look back when every memory of the last 15 years or so contains you both and that is only going to change with the passage of time, I have no doubt it could take me as long to heal as the time I spent married.

I've seen other marriages end and spoken to single mums who're now in new loving relationships, some are even married to their soulmates and here I am still single and unable to have even a conversation with the opposite sex, if a man comes towards me in a bar I literally become terrified, my anxiety towards a new relationship or even a date is so impossibly high that I don't think it's likely to happen anytime soon.

I wanted to write an honest post and I wanted to be positive but at the same time I can't lie and say I'm fine now because I'm not, mostly I am happy living as I am, I have amazing friends, brilliant children and fantastic adventures and experiences, I have a dog I adore who wakes up cuddled in to me as tight as she possibly can be, some days I wake up wearing a beagle hat or with her paws resting on my cheek and life is rarely boring!  Inside though I am still yearning for the family I lost and if I could turn back time (sorry Cher) then I have no doubt that I absolutely would.  Abigail asked me a couple of weeks ago, "why do you want to spend so much time with me, why do you always want me to stay over?" and I answered her and told her that because each day I don't see her, it kills a little part of me, and now they have a new house in Cramlington so I won't see her every day anymore as they won't be picking Looby up for school although I am happy for her that she finally has a house which is a home for her and her dad.  I guess that brought it finally home though that we would never be a family again.

So now I can finally get divorced without a word of blame being passed and it still feels ridiculous to me that you can get divorced if you love someone but if I wait until I don't I may be waiting forever and who knows, once I am finally, totally and completely free I will relax a little and maybe my anxiety won't stop me speaking to other men and maybe I'll finally have a chance of meeting someone because I really don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own, mourning for an unrequited love.

Tomorrow I will be fine again, I'm sure, but just today, it's raining, it's dull and my heart is aching, and whilst it's not the blog post I wanted to write today I feel like if I write this and get it out there I not only heal myself a little but who knows who out there might be reading, maybe you're in the same place and if you are let me offer you a virtual hug from one who knows, 99 out of 100 days you feel like you could really conquer an army and that's the thing we all have to focus on, because 1 day really is just one day and soon this feeling too will pass.

I have loved, I do love and I will love again

I said in my last blog dear reader that this week has been a challenge but I have emerged from the other side of it stronger, better and wiser and I feel that I really have, I guess we never stop learning from life, ourselves and others.

1 thing I really need to do is reconnect with a social life.  Don't get me wrong, I am rarely home, I am always off on one adventure or another but it's usually quite insular, Holly and I traverse wide and far and we meet interesting people on our journeys but I do sometimes feel I lack the joy of other people and the experiences they offer.  I have friends, wonderful friends who will always be there for me and but I think for one reason or another we just haven't had time to arrange lunches and trips out for cocktails.  I miss two of my friends Elanor and Li so very much, both moved away last year to fabulous new and inspiring lives and I just haven't seen them enough. I must make more effort and arrange things!

I hope my holiday next week with Abigail and Looby (and Holly) will be the start of the healing process for me really, I say to myself, "it's been 7 months since Paul left, how can you not have sorted yourself out yet?" I've always been a survivor (sorry Beyonce), I know my own self in that respect but I guess 15 years (and it will be 15 years on the 14/4) is harder to move on from than I ever imagined it would be and maybe in some way there are parts of me I'd given away and they will remain gone for the rest of my life, that's what you do isn't it, when you marry someone?  You give parts of your soul and they're just not yours anymore, it's part of the contract of marriage, you have to give all of your heart and soul on that day when you walk down the aisle because you have to believe that you will be together for the rest of your lives.  I still believe that, I still believe in unbreakable, enduring true love which lasts forever.

For now though in whatever form I have to live most days on a path of my own and I'm sure as I walk down this new road I'll meet friends along the way and I'll stop to drink from fountains of life and I'll gaze at beautiful vistas and my heart will smile back at me.  This week whilst walking many many miles (over 45 so far) my heart smiled at me as I simply enjoyed the company of my dog and the sunshine on my face and the sounds of the birds in the trees, nature is at it's most splendid and miraculous in spring.  Maybe that's what it is, maybe I've had to wait until spring to feel able to start again?

What it is I guess is that when it all comes down to it I know I have loved, I do love and I will love again...

Clarity and the dawn of a brand new day

Yesterday I happened upon a quote dear reader, it simply said "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."  I didn't go looking for it, I just sort of happened upon it but it spoke to me and the way my heart is now feeling.  I started writing this blog post yesterday and it's changed completely to the piece I originally wrote, I think you should do that some times, I think you need to think about those powerful words you're about to say or write because the pen is almost certainly mightier than the sword.

I met a friend for coffee yesterday, someone completely unbiased and we've not known each other for very long but she herself had been through something similar and  in my own mind I could no longer pretend. For the last few years at least, I had tried everything to try to correct an untenable situation so very many times, I tried to change, but in reality, nothing I could do would make me ever good enough in the eyes of another.

I don't think I can be  hurt any more by the demons of the present or the ghosts of the past, for today I can finally say, "Onwards into a brave new world."

I recognised that sometime yesterday the fog really did start to clear from my mind leaving me so much lighter and brighter than I have felt for the last 2 weeks and though I cannot deny that the path which lies ahead is going to be an incredibly difficult map to navigate I also know that I can do it, I can be the captain of my own ship, I can sail through the storm, adjusting my sails as I go and one day I will emerge on the other side to a beautiful sunrise.

I guess for everyone in similar situations dealing with loss, one day you will feel the same, it's like clarity, I'm not sure if it always suddenly occurs and I hope that it's not one of those moments of clarity you sometimes get which is set on the path ahead to misguide you because it's not really clarity at all but a demon from your mind leading you down the wrong road.

So today I want to focus on the future, we cannot change the past, even if it was only a moment ago, all we can do is reassess, learn from it and move on, we cannot erase the past either but we must learn to look back without a judgement so clouded that all we see are those dark tumultuous storms which hung so heavy in the sky that they enrobed the sunshine hiding it from our view.

Today really is a brave new world, somewhat scary if I'm honest, I've lived so many years thinking I would be with the comfort of companionship for the rest of my days and now I must forge onwards not knowing what the future holds but if I search in my soul there is already at least one part which finds the future journey just a little bit exciting.

Maybe you can start your new beginning today...