When I started a business, I just wanted to change my life, I wanted to prove I wasn't one of life's failures.  Things got out of hand though and before I knew it I had ideas above my station and thought I could end up being rich, powerful, successful.  I failed!

A few years ago I decided to lose weight and though I successfully lost weight I still saw myself as fat and now I've put on all the weight I previously lost, I'm no more unhappy than I was when I was thinner because it's all in my head.  Everything I've ever done, I've set out to do it so that I'd make people say "wow" like I needed some kind of approval and on the projects where no one has cared, I've just given up and shelved things because I've courted public opinion way too much.

I've rarely spoken out about the abuse I've dealt with throughout my life, the fact that I live in social housing and that my bank account isn't overflowing because I am ashamed and talking about it would make people think less of me.  It seems I've gotten so many things wrong and it's no wonder that I have chronic anxiety.

You see, there are things that I am genuinely proud of, the fact that I've been reasonably successful despite everything and the other fact, that I live in the real world and I'm not rocking back and forth in a mental institution, although that would also not make me a bad person it's definitely something which could have happened, something which does happen when you live your whole life with mental health issues.

I started living the slow life about 6 months ago now, spending so much time creating a wildlife haven and a beautiful garden has centred my mind, it's given me time to breathe and something to get obsessed with which is actually a good and positive thing.  I always get obsessed over things, there is no half-hearted, it's probable that I am on the spectrum much like my son although there seems no point in acquiring yet another label. 

My point here is, in living more slowly I think I'm starting to accept myself as I am, I've started talking to my neighbours, (many of whom believe I have ideas above my station I'm sure), I've been for wanders with Holly Bobbins in my local area instead of running straight to the beautiful parklands.  It's time to start accepting all of the aspects of my life before it passes me by completely.

My need for acceptance comes from never being good enough for anyone, a lifetime spent with narcissists will do that to a person, I guess it's why I've chosen to remain single, because really, I'd just be looking to find someone who'd be my cheerleader but there's no point if I can't even do that myself.  This photo below is honestly filtered to within in an inch of its life because I went to a Samsung event where they showed us how to cleanse (yes, I know, weird event) and it left me with my bare face covered in rosacea.

Dress from Simply Be which was gifted to me previously

I've skipped through my life trying to be someone I'm not, always trying to be better than myself or to just pretend to be someone else and I guess it's why I spend so much time living the hermit life, because I'm always a little scared of being found out as an imposter.  Now I would like to add a caveat that so many times I think I've figured it out, I love myself more and life is going to be peachy but...

I think the reality of the situation is that I can learn to accept myself and not be afraid of what people think of me and not be afraid of what I actually think of myself but I've come to the following conclusions.

• I'm going to try and do as much good as I can being the person that I am.
• I'm going to spend more time speaking about the abuse I've survived because not talking about it is just as bad as hiding it and we need to talk about it, people need to know, these behaviours are not okay and if you are experiencing them in your childhood, or relationships, no matter what threats are made.
• I'm going to continue to live life at a much slower pace and try and discover who I actually am.
• I'm going to try and accept myself on a day to day basis

One of the most powerful things my therapist ever told me was "Always know you are good enough, even the times you thought you weren't you were still more than good enough" It kind of changed my life so many years ago but I still forget it every now and again when I'm judging myself harshly so if you're sitting there reading this, please know, that whatever has happened and whoever has told you that you're not, always remember that you are good enough.

Leopards can't change their spots

Yesterday I was faced with the horrible heartbreaking realisation dear reader that leopards really can't change their spots and no matter how many false promises someone makes their true colours will always show.

In the whole of my heart I lived with the hope that we would all be together again as a family one day, I didn't want to give up and I didn't want to have a failed marriage, I never wanted that but I realise that all of the things I have inside of me which make me feel like I've failed and make me feel like I wasn't good enough again were not caused by me.

Life I think in some respects is about to get much harder, without hope I have to go through the breakdown of utter heartbreak again but I was deluded to think that things could ever have been different, in as much as I wanted to hold together the fabric of our family I should have realised that it was ripped to shreds beyond repair long ago.

I think in some sense it's a bit of a relief because now I know the path before me and although I'm facing being lonely for a while I know in the end I'll be ok, one day I'm going to be quite brilliant and I shall sparkle on a daily basis.  I know now that I'm going to work hard to make my business amazing so that I can provide my children with every thing they'll ever need and I will do it on my own without any financial support and without complaint and each moment when I am not at work I shall use it to spend with my children so they know just how much I love and adore them, we'll make our house the best home ever, we'll have as many friends around as we want, we'll continue to rescue animals who need a second chance but I think we'll stick to the four legged ones.  We'll go on adventures to wherever we want and no one will ever be able to say "you can't do that."  I think I'm still in a better place than I was at the beginning of September because a lot of the things have just become clearer to me.  I know this much is true, if you love me, you love the whole of me and all of my children equally because all of my children are fabulous amazing people and I'll continue to tell them that every day.  When you're in a marriage or relationship you have to accept everyone in that unit, you can't pick and choose and you can never expect the other person to allow you to ignore or turn a blind eye to your hatred of any of them.  Mums will always choose their children above a man no matter how old their children are.

It's been hard of late with Abigail spending more time at her dads than at home but today she's going to be here when she finishes school, Iain broke up from college for half term on Wednesday and Looby broke up yesterday so by later this afternoon we'll all be together my children and I and we're having Tacos and it's movie night, Malificent being the movie of choice as it is a tenuously linked movie to Halloween and it's of course that time of year, let me just say that some of the suggestions on our board for this weeks movie had a definite Christmas theme but I am saving Elf  (btw, it's only £8 on blu ray on that linky thing) for another day.

Tomorrow I have a day off and I honestly have no idea what we'll do, we did have family plans but it really looks like we can't pretend anymore and they're just not going to happen, I think the most I can hope for is friendship one day, in the end you can't have someone on your own terms, I think my analysis of the situation was that while I wasn't wanted completely I was wanted enough to make sure that I could never move on and you can't do that, it's pretty clear cut for me, together as a family forever or get on with our own healing and lives being co-parents to our children and dog, you can't have it all and expect someone to have a weird courting sort of relationship with their own husband without a promise of anything else for years, I'll never accept second best even if it's heart breaking, one day someone will love me properly with their whole heart without any conditions or expectations that I'll ever be anything other than just me, it may be years before that happens, it may never happen but you never really truly know what's around the corner.

Have a great weekend and don't forget to love the ones you're with and be with the ones you love.