Hey you!, yes you dear reader, I am talking directly to you today, you see, there's something I've learned to reach this point in my life on our small planet we call earth and here's what it is;

1. Take control of your own life right now!  It's not going to make things instantly better and you will still cry and be sad, you will still have days where you want to hide under your duvet in the corner of your room (it's not just me who does that is it?) but you will be in control of your own destiny and that in itself is a powerful and positive step which no one can take away from you.
2. Ask questions of yourself and others but be prepared for people to tell the truth, this is a step which can actually be the most difficult thing because you might get answers you don't want to hear but even if you do, you chose to ask the question, have the opinion and no one can ever take away the feelings you have inside and you must remember this, never derivate away from it or make compromises for how you feel in your heart and even more so you should never apologise for feeling the way that you do.
3. The unfortunate circumstance is you can't expect people to feel differently to the way that they do and so you're going to have to deal with that yourself because remember that whatever you do you are only able to change yourself, no matter what you do or how you feel you really can't change someone else, they have to do that themselves and if they promise you that they will change you should always take that with a pinch of salt because you then have to ask yourself if that person is saying it to make you feel better or are they compromising their beliefs and opinions to soften the blow?
4. Sometimes even if you can learn from past mistakes there are things in life which are so big that you will never understand that the best course of action is to just draw a line under it, start afresh and never speak of it again.
5. Try to only thing of good things and see the positives in other people, it's a lot easier than being suspicious or making assumptions.
6. Be Open to everything, now I'm not suggesting that you should accept an invitation to cliff jump next weekend but try to say yes more often, especially if it's to a new experience because it might just be the most fun thing you have ever done.
7. Forgive yourself, yes we all make mistakes, some of them are minor, some of them are huge massive cataclysmic mistakes but other people won't forgive you until you can first forgive yourself.
8. Get out more!  I can honestly say that this January my seasonally affective disorder has been a bit rubbish but nowhere near as bad as it's been for years and that's thanks to Holly and our daily adventures, even if we only manage an hour in the park it helps with my social interactions, my soaking up of sunshine and my general happiness over all.
9. Have more experiences and less things yep, I wrote about that one already.
10. Love and hug more, yes I know that we're all terribly British (unless you are reading this from somewhere more exotic) and known for our stiff upper lips but why shouldn't we hug our friends and tell them we love them, I'm not saying we should become false and tell everyone "Oh I love you sweetie" but if you love your friends then it's ok to say I love you, you might even make their day.

Now I could have added in another one about having a pet to cuddle (get a beagle) but I know that's not possible for everyone, I do think having a pet is a great idea if it's possible to have one in your life, pets give far more than they ask for and I think somewhat that could be even more true in the case of rescue pets.

So lets read through the list, follow steps 1-10 and then march forth in the knowledge that we are in control, we are bright and shiny beings and the world is ours!

How to recognise and survive a passive aggressive relationship

When I think about it now, the man I married and spent my life with was always hot headed, irrational and possessive but I chose not to see it.  We do that don't we?  We meet people and then we ignore all of their flaws because we want to see only the good in people, we want to believe in true love and meeting that special someone you can spend the whole of the rest of your time on earth.  If there's one thing that life has taught me about the passive aggressive relationship it's that you can never win.  I have literally trawled the internet and read books seeking to find the person who managed to stay in a successful relationship despite having a partner who was passive aggressive. Often the problem with passive aggressive personalities is that the cause is so deep seated they're often not aware of their own controlling behaviour. 

I think it can almost be an involuntary compulsion to control and if you couple that with a heady hint of a narcissistic personality then they're so far to believing that they are perfect and everyone else is at fault that they'll never acknowledge control or indeed ever doing anything that was less than perfect behaviour.  In my own personal case even the alcoholism was justified as being something he had to do to remain married to me.

People with control issues, particularly passive aggressive personalities can often be the loveliest most charming people you could hope to meet, they will lavish you with gifts (they want others to know how perfect they are) but often they'll set you up to fail at something and that can be quite difficult to understand, for instance they'll forget that special date that you had booked and if you confront them they'll just deny all knowledge and then they may huff or strop so you feel that it's your fault until you actually start questioning if you ever had the conversation.  They really do thrive on you thinking it's all your fault but if you are reading this and nodding along let me just say now, it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong and this is all part of the game of control.

Let me give you another example of control which is so subtle that you can mistake it for someone being in love with you, so you're out with friends and you get text messages asking when you are coming home, they miss you so much, they can't survive without you for hours, they want you to come home so they can love you and hug you and be with you, you are their world.  Let me just put this out there as being a huge warning sign.  In the 15 years of my marriage I've lost count of the times when I felt I had to go home from nights out because of the above or angry calls because there was nothing for dinner or they couldn't remember how to order dinner, when I look at these things now I ask myself if I was actually crazy myself, a grown up adult should always be able to source food/cook something/have a few hours on their own.

If dear reader you are in this kind of situation please don't ever let yourself feel that you are anything less than good enough, I've struggled for years thinking I am a bad person and not good enough and I would hate others to go through the same thing, I guess that's one reason I chose to record this journey, to get it out there, because the victims of silent control might not have bruises but that doesn't mean the damage isn't there.  I don't wish to be categorised as a victim however, I am most definitely an expert in survival and no matter what happens in my future I'm going to survive and grow and flourish like the sparkly person I have inside of me.

In the wee small hours of the morning...

I woke up singing this today, ironically it was 5.30am dear reader!  I've always alternated between someone who could sleep for Britain and the ultimate insomniac.  I suppose that it's to be expected that the insomnia would creep up and get me at this juncture of my life.

I have some rules for life which I try to live by every day - 

1. Be as lovely as you can be every day
2. Be as positive as you can be every day
3. Do good deeds whenever possible 

and yesterday I decided to add number 4 to that list - Just try to do at least one thing every day to make my house lovelier.

I think it's good to set yourself targets to live by, obviously there are days which are tougher than the others but I guess that's all part of the challenges of life.

There is one good thing about the early mornings and the late nights, I write so well at the moment, I find that I get all of those jumbled thoughts out of my mind every morning and it leaves me ready to start the day with a clear head.

I've spoken this week about healing at the passage of time, although I haven't had a time where I have wept inconsolably there are definitely times when the tears come and sometimes by surprise.  I was talking to Paul yesterday about the future and those tears tumbled down my cheeks, salty tears of emotions collected over the years which at times were held back for fear that if I started to cry I may never have stopped.  We had some really difficult times but then we had the best of times too, and sometimes they were intertwined. 

I'm happy that I think we've achieved a strange kind of friendship again, especially at this early juncture but I think that's the thing which will ensure that our children come through this as unscathed as possible.  One thing I hadn't mentioned is that I now share my bedroom with Looby, where Abigail needs space, Looby needs her mum and so I now have in my bedroom, a Petunia, a Looby, 22 My Little Ponies, an original Cabbage Patch doll called Rupert Matlock Smythe and a very curious and slightly sinister china Welsh doll, I haven't asked what her name is!

My message today is that it's ok to cry and have emotions as long as they don't overwhelm all that you are, it's only when we get those emotions out there that we can really begin to heal.

I'm going to go into the office on Monday, I have to work, I can't stay home forever, I need to support myself and my children and that's not going to happen if I hide away in the corner of my room forever.  I'm lucky really that business is so successful that I'm full at weekends until the end of October!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, be kind to yourself and others and maybe do just one thing to make the surroundings in which you live just that little bit lovelier.