You know when you just get into your groove and then life throws something else up in your path and disturbs it?  Yeah, well, that happened.

It's okay though, as much as I loved my new off the cuff writing style, the numbers would suggest that not many other people did so I'm reverting to weekly updates and long rambling sentences (lucky you!).

It seems so long since the carefree days of my holidays, I currently feel like I've shot 100 weddings this year, I haven't but I have shot a lot and I've loved every moment. the editing pile though, uy!

You know I said that I'd stopped swearing and instead replaced it with the word "Uy" well, I now say that approximately 784 times a day and even more if I'm tuned into Sky News.  I'm grateful for my continued success in business.  Both companies are currently thriving, Inspire is only in its second year so it provides more challenges than photography which just continues to be a constant that I am supremely grateful for.

I decided that I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life but at the same time I'm super picky, I installed dating apps and yet, I think I only did it to feel more normal, because window shopping is good in the quiet moments of the night.  I decided that I would truly be myself and so, choosing Pansexual from the list, I was emboldened, even though I've never declared myself to be anything really.

Oh and for those who wonder, what's Pansexual, the Wikipedia definition is - 

"Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others"

The truth is though, just between us, if you ask my friends, I've always been someone who thinks that attraction is based on the person rather than the gender and I've always been someone who's refused to give myself a title, there's  a "love without labels" movement for instance and I've always been a bit of a wild bohemian, though, let's be honest, I'm 45, I'm still a bohemian but my wild days are over.

So there you go, I just sort of came out (in public, on my blog, at least) I guess but that's what you do in your forties isn't it, you figure out exactly who you are, you redefine yourself because after so many years of being defined as mum, your kids are independent and you have to rediscover the whole of you.

I should point out at this point that generally I'm hoping that one day I'll meet someone in real life because it's easier to meet someone on a pub than it is online, I mean, after all, I am a bloody good photographer, I actually look nothing like my dating profile in real life.  At least if you meet someone at the pub then visually at least, what you see is what you get!  Will I ever meet someone?  Who knows, I favour Scottish men and men who have beards and are thin, it's no wonder my top 3 list is Ewan Mcgregor, Richard Madden and David Tennant.  For sure I have a favourite type, I can compromise on the beard and on the Scottishness but hair is super important.  I'm, also not willing to compromise on one other fact...

If you've never seen Moulin Rouge or you hated it, we're never going to have anything in common because to me, Moulin Rouge is more than a movie, I have a clip of it saved on my phone to watch whenever I'm feeling sad or distressed or confused, it always makes me feel better and I guess it has something to do with it being about the bohemian ideals of beauty, truth, freedom and love.  As long as they can put up with the fact that I watch it at least twice a month and that "Come What May" is an anthem for life, well we'll be just fine.  I remember watching it for the first time with my then-husband in 2002 and falling in love with it because we had both found what we were, although I always say, if you think I was a bohemian, he was the real wild one, that's why we fell in love in 1999 because we were the same, at least for a while.

So there you go, my life as it is, it has so much more freedom, something I've fought so hard for and something which has cost me more than you can ever understand.  To have this freedom, I've had to lose things I've loved with all of my heart but I'm happy now, whether that's on my own and accompanied by a beagle or out, at the local with my best friends and friends I've yet to meet.

Being free is future-facing, being free is me, now, and forever

God, The Universe and Everything

Another rainy morning and the official start of my weekend, I've managed to practically turn that into 4 days holiday this weekend though after an enforced 2 days of rain meant I couldn't work.  I didn't even venture onto the internet yesterday, I sent a few tweets and 1 email, that's perhaps the least energetic Sunday I've had this year, I slept a lot and clearly I needed it.  I did have a great night on Saturday catching up with Harriet and Kelly, my friends who I usually see on an almost daily basis had been somewhat absent of late due to travels and poorliness so it was good to have the super team back together for a while and if I do say so myself I was on top form and even managed a little interpretive dance in the pub and being that it's our local, no one even batted an eyelid!  You know if we all did a little more galloping, twirling and occasional interpretive dance the world would be a better, happier, cheerier place!

So this morning after making the required super strength coffee I've crawled back into my lovely cosy bed along with a certain beagle who is snoring loudly right next to my knee, when Eve say that their mattress is the most comfortable mattress in the world they're not wrong, since I got mine in July I've never slept better or had less neck pain, I'm hoping for the pillows and duvet for Christmas.

I have a million things I need to write about this week, I have been to so many events and I also have the first of my Christmas gift guides ready to go but I thought I would start this day with a personal post because it's only due to the emptying of my brain that I manage to survive in this world.

My week since I had reiki has been a strange one, I feel like I opened up my mind to God and the Universe for the first time in ages, I've always been more spiritual than religious, I grew up going to church every week and then I've dipped in and out for many years, for the last 10 since I've had my business I make it to church approximately once a year on Christmas Eve, it's ok though, God doesn't mind, he told me that when I asked and speaking of which, I had a sad moment last week when Looby asked "Do I have to come to church with you on Christmas Eve this year?" Looby and I have gone to the crib service every year for years but I also made a promise never to put any of my beliefs upon my children so this year, even if I have to go myself, I'll just toddle off and have a quiet hour, I say quiet but there's nothing quite so much fun as when you sing Christmas carols at the top of your voice, they're meant to be sung that way I suspect.

Today I have an appointment with a lady who has been looking at my numerology charts, I don't really know very much about numerology other than it's an ancient art so like Reiki I'm going in with a completely open mind and as my ongoing series looking at various ways of alternative ways of sorting one's mind out I shall, of course, report back.  I never rule out any kind of help and guidance in whatever form it comes, after all I take medication every day to deal with all of my health needs, why shouldn't I look at many different forms of therapy too, medication cures symptoms but therapies in all of their forms often deal with the root causes.

I think in the way that I've always classed myself as a wild bohemian it does mean I am open to many different spiritual experiences which perhaps some would look at as being more than a little bonkers, we should not discount anything though because we cannot understand the universe and all of its energies, it's just not possible, even the greatest of philosophers have no solid answers, we're all just trying to make sense of the world and I've always thought that you might die the second you figure out the purpose of life because then you know everything, if you can truly figure out the meaning of life then there is nothing left to know.

The closest I've ever got is to come up with my own beliefs, morals, and ethics, I believe in truth, beauty freedom and love just like the rest of my fellow bohemians, I believe that there is nothing greater than love, in whatever form it is shown, I believe in free thought and that no opinion should be illegal even if it isn't something you believe in yourself, everyone, no matter who they are has a valid point to offer in this life and I believe we are all unique and meant to be here and I believe that we are all looking to find our role and the other half of our whole, I believe in the freedom of expression and the beauty of heart bared open.

I believe that we choose happiness and that if we start each day asking "what can I do today to make myself happy and to make those who are around me happy?" then we are half way to truly understanding the meaning of life and halfway in that case, isn't a bad place to be.