Happy Christmas Adam Everyone! For anyone who doesn't know, Adam of course, came before Eve and therefore, the 23rd of December is known as Christmas Adam, I'm sure it's not just me that calls it that?!

So, I've just played "find a hole in the fridge for the carrots" (not a euphemism) after being rudely awoken by my fabulous veg man, our fridge is packed so tightly it's a game of skill to find space for even a sprout right now but we are ready for Christmas, hurray!

I just have a couple of presents to wrap which I picked up on a festive saunter through the Metrocentre yesterday with Harriet and Abigail, it was lovely, we went for Yo Sushi and then we wandered around the shops, all around us men (really, yes, mostly men) were running around like headless chickens with their faces contorted with worry searching for the best Pandora charm, or even worse, in the Primark lingerie department which has been recently replenished with the cheapest red underwear I've ever seen!

There's a point I need to make to the menfolk, I know I don't exactly have one but if I was going to be bought lingerie, I along with most of the female population would agree, it's either La Perla or go choose another gift, never ever buy us cheap undersized red lace underwear and especially not from Primark!

I have to admit that I've never really fully understood the male psyche and that is of course why I'm perpetually single but surely they know when Christmas is coming, it can't be a complete surprise that the 25th of December is some kind of special holiday, surely the arrival of the Christmas tree is a big enough hint?  Suffice to say, I'm sorry but I can't really give you any sympathy when you're queuing to get into the Pandora store for 2 hours today although at least with Pandora she's not going to get an uncomfortable crotch just to try and please you.

Now I don't want to bash men because some of them are kind and thoughtful, some of them spend hours agonising over the right presents, many years ago when I was happily married to the girls dad, I was pregnant with Abigail and so a lot of the normal presents were not going to work, I awoke on Christmas morning to find an enormous hamper full of presents, each one individually wrapped, they weren't expensive things, some were just little bubble baths but the fact that he'd gone to the trouble of wrapping up about 50 small things, plus the most gorgeous silver bracelet which was around a cuddly Bagpuss's neck meant everything to me, he actually bought me several bracelets in the time we were together and really, you can't go wrong with a beautiful bracelet.

Anyway, I kind of got distracted there but there's a point in there about thoughtful gifts, to me, the best gifts can't be given in small packages, it took me a long time to realise that, the best gifts for me, well they're experiences, they're time you can't get back, they are the memories you'll dream of in the many years of the life that we live.  I guess that's why I've travelled so much this year because, no matter how trying life can sometimes be I can always look back at the amazing memories I've created with the people I love and then I can smile and appreciate how wonderful and precious life is.

This Christmas won't be about presents for me, it will be about the friends who visit, it will be about the people who have stayed by my side through thick and thin, as my therapist is helping me to understand, it's not worth worrying about the things you can't change and really, you can't change the thoughts of another person, sure there will be those you lose along the way side but if they won't talk to you, what is the point of imagined conversations inside your own head, I'm learning through therapy to put aside the things I can't change, my therapist said more than anything, she wants to give me back my self worth, something that I've lost over many years, I don't think that's something which is going to happen in 8 sessions but I can already see the changes taking place, it's having a profound effect on the anxiety which troubles me so greatly from time to time.  The funny thing is, since finishing work on Tuesday afternoon, mostly all my anxiety has subsided, I haven't really done a lot but I've enjoyed the feeling of just being happy and relaxed.

Today, it's Saturday, the first Saturday I've not had to worry about work in a very long time, I'm going to applaud that and who cares if I stay in my pyjamas all day, you've got to love the life you have, you have to grab it by the horns and be happy that you are living in the way you want to because it's your life, you are unique and no matter what happens, no one ever can take that away from you.

10 things a man should never do on a first date

I have conversed with my panel/squad, think, the ladies of Sex and The City but more glamorous and slightly more northern, we've all been on some great first dates and some disastrous ones, here from the hive mind of lovely ladies I am surrounded by in my life are 10 things you men should not to on a first date.

1.  Please don't just leave 10 minutes after you arrive with no real explanation! It's just rude!
2. Try and ask questions about your date and don't just talk about yourself. And don't let your date rabbit on about herself. It's about getting to know each other, not an audition for a one person show!!
3.  If you're still in love with your ex and have no intention of moving on, don't go on the First date. It's not nice to get someone's hopes up just to make them feel sad
4. Also, don't expect sexy time on a first date. Don't even expect a snog! If it happens naturally then great, but don't speed through the date hoping to get down to business!! Take time to find out if you actually like each other first. If you do and sexy time happens, then it's a bonus!
5.  Don't make your opening remark "you're bigger than I expected from the pictures" or show your disdain or dislike for something someone says or the way they look by your facial gestures. Remember a picture paints a thousand words and your face can say it all! It's not good for a woman's self-esteem!
6. One thing not to do on a date, talk about the massive spot on your neck and how you want to squeeze it! 
7. I hate it when men expect too much on a first date. I like to keep it chilled and casual. Coffee dates are seriously underrated (and easy to get out of).
8. I don't want to get plastered on a first date or sit down for a huge meal because it can be awkward if you don't get on. Something overly fun like bowling or ice skating can be awkward too, I like to keep it casual.
9. I don't think men should pump on a first date, that's 3rd date material, do it too soon and it's gross, leave it too long and it's just awkward
10. Don't wear rubbish shoes, always remember what your granny used to say "The shoes maketh the man"

I should state that it took approximately 10 minutes of crowdsourcing to come up with this list and in truth, I reckon with a good half hour we could have come up with at least 50 things.  I'll be writing an article concerning women's bad behaviour on dates soon so don't worry men, you'll have your say soon too, in fact, if you want to leave me a comment of the worst things to happen on a first date you know where to leave it.

With thanks to my fabulous friends Katie, Pixie, Li, Laura and Harriet who were only too delighted to share their dating no no's 

This week on Tinder...

In case you aren't one of those ardent calendar page flippers like me, It's March people, the spring is going to be with us in 19 days, well unless you are a weatherman in which case you're already dancing amongst the daffodils because it's the start of meteorological spring today, whichever one you prefer to celebrate, one thing we can all be grateful for are the longer days, increased light levels and the sight of flowers growing on grassy banks. 

This week there have been the first signs of the rise of my business (thank God, the heavens and the universe) we really are all waking up again after the long winter slumber and that makes me happy, for spring, as I have probably already mentioned is quite my favourite season, I get bouncy and happy as the sunshine hits my face and I have an increased zest for life.  I return I suppose to my normal self instead of the woman with SAD who lives like an angry bear who's been woken up from hibernation too early!

This week on Tinder, well I've matched with more men than I've had conversations with, I did have a message from someone who was 150 miles away last night which said "Mmm, yeah, yummy" well, Mr Longdistance, what in the hell do you expect me to do with that information?  Actually, don't answer that, I think we all know the answer of how I was supposed to reply, I didn't though, I'd rather keep my dignity thanks!  The there was the young (33) engineer who's only a few km away from me but I just found myself lacking the enthusiasm to get excited about him, he was kind of hot, good job, not far away but I don't know, just no real gumption maybe?

Our final fine example of the male sex I'm still actually chatting too, he's a beagle daddy and that got him 10 bonus points and he's 37 and currently on his way home from Macchu Pichu, I did ask him why he was on Tinder whilst holidaying in Peru but we all know the answer, it's because men are strange and I'm guessing he's planning his next move, sort of holiday done, time to start dating maybe?  Anyway, I'll have to see what happens but for once I haven't resigned him to the man bin just yet, his beagle is really super cute and I'm sure Holly Bobbins would love some male beagle company.

Oh, something I forgot to mention, this month I'm going to be writing for Huff Post once a week, the truth is that I can write as often as I like but I have issues in that when you are writing for Huff Post you want it to be the very very best that you can do, sort of less rambling than my own blog so I tend to only write when inspiration strikes but I've decided that I'll never increase my readership on there until I write more often so that's the plan.  You know what's weird, though?  Writing for a huge publication where anyone can comment introduces you to the general public and their interesting points of view, let's just say I've had my eyes opened!

This weekend I have a review on Friday, I'm going to review G4 in concert, G4, yes, remember them, runners up on the first XFactor, I loved then and I'm sure I'm going to love them now!  Other than that and apart from a photo shoot with a lovely family on Sunday I'm just writing, writing and writing some more, this is the year when success is going to be mine, I have the excited feelings in my tummy that great things are coming, both professionally and personally, one thing I know, I'm starting to feel stronger and better than I was last month when I had a breakdown and today as I flipped the day on my bedside calendar was a poignant quote from John Milton himself...

"What doesn't not destroy me, makes me strong"

10 Top Online Dating Tips For Men!

Men, let's talk about you on online dating sites, I want to give you some tips about your dating profiles.  The thing is, there are a few things I've noted on my trips around the internet dating sites, having a large bank of mostly single female friends and an interest in how these things work, I've seen a lot of profiles on varying dating sites from  the more casual dating sites like Tinder right through to the more serious sites like Eharmony and Match Affinity (try that one, it's awesome).

I don't profess to be a dating expert and I'm not going to be setting myself up as some kind of relationship guru anytime soon but I am a photographer, writer and a woman looking for her soulmate the second time around so I think I'm qualified to write this and I hope that you'll find it helpful.

1. Blurry photos are bad - seriously, guys, it's not that hard to take a good selfie, find a window with non-direct sunlight, maybe north facing at around 1.30pm in the afternoon, think nice things and smile, if you have a dodgy camera on your phone, get outdoors or let someone else take it, I've had clients over the years who've used my photography services to get great profile photos, this is your one chance to make an initial impression, don't make me swipe left because your photo is so blurry I can't even make out your facial features!
2. Naked photos are the worst - There is no need to ever send a naked photo to someone before you've even so much as had a date, it's seriously bad form and I'll be honest, it's just going to get shown around in the pub and laughed at if you do it!
3. Photos with your children are a no no, look, men, I know you have children and I can imagine you are a fabulous dad but Tinder isn't the place to share photos of your kids, seriously, it's bad form and it makes me disregard you immediately, I love kids but dating sites just aren't a great place to share their photos.
4. Photos with your cute pets are great, now if on the other hand you have a cute puppy or kitty and you have a photo with them then it's probably going to make me want to find out more, pretty much all women like photos of cute men with their adorable pets, think kittens and puppies and you are going to have a plethora of messages from interested ladies.
5. Smiling is awesome, pouting not so much, until I saw dating profiles I honestly believed that pouting was something done by teenagers and drunk people, I was pretty horrified that the menfolk of the UK thought that this was a good way to lure the ladies into their lives, just smile guys, a big open smile is a winner every day of the week!
6. Funny wigs and glasses so I can't see your face, yes, what is it all about if your main profile photo is you dressed as Elvis and I can't even see your face, you may think this is mysterious and alluring but I can promise, it's not, I want to just see a great profile photo, it's not too much to ask is it?
7. Nothing is written in your profile, okay so you've got the photos and you're cute but I'm not going to click on you if I can't find at least a little about you, you don't have to write Moby Dick (not a euphemism) just tell me a little about you and make it interesting, draw me in, it's not rocket science!
8. Text Speak on your profile, I hate text speak, so much so that I don't even understand it so when I see it I want to get rid of it as soon as I possibly can, if you must use text speak, use it in texts to your mates, don't use it to find the next great love of your life!
9. The words "If you want to know anything just ask"  This is about as infuriating as it gets, again, you're telling me nothing and you're expecting that you are so amazing that I'm just going to message but it's like a nice box that doesn't tell you what's inside, would you want to go to the effort of finding out or would you rather it just gave a great description on the front that makes you want to open it quickly!
10. Being disingenuous, okay so this one is tricky, I realise we're all selling ourselves on dating sites but I hate when people lie or they just make themselves out to be so much better than they are, honesty is the most important thing in life, love and relationships and so if you start out with lies and mistruths, well that's not going to lead to long lasting love now is it?

I'm sure I have 20 more tips inside me but these are a good start, I reckon if every man looking for love or dates took note of just these things they would have ladies queuing up and a plethora of messages off women wanting to get to know them better.

I really do want to have a world of love where everyone finds their soulmates, I still believe in true love after all.  So men, go follow my tips and let me know if you have any luck, I'd love to hear your dating stories, I might even feature you on my blog as long as you don't mind. You can always get in touch with me at mandy@mandycharltonphotography.com

The unfortunate case of the manly man

A couple of days ago, I got a match from a man who I'm going to call "The Glass Cutter" He quickly messaged me saying something about breaking the ice and I messaged back remarking that what he really needed was a ten tonne penguin, an exchange took place which was momentarily whimsical and then I had to go review Anton and Erin at the Sage, he messaged me several times and what I should have done straight away was asked the important questions - 

1. Do you like superheroes, sci-fi and Doctor Who?

2. If Metrosexual man is at one end of the scale and super butch manly man is at the other end, where would you place yourself?

3. Do you like musicals and cake?

4. Logans Run, was the carousel actually a quite brilliant form of entertainment?

If I'd asked these in the first instance then I would have quickly found out we were destined to be completely incompatible.

Oh and if you are wondering, a metrosexual who likes all of the above and knows Logan's Run is pretty much the jackpot for me, obviously some things I am prepared to compromise on, I mean, cake, well I think you're a weirdo if you don't like cake but I get that it's not a life or death decision and if it means more cake for me then I won't complain but everything else, they're pretty much staples of my average day, I can forgive someone for not having seen Logan's Run,  I get that it's kind of niche but if you don't like Doctor Who or musicals well dating me isn't even an option.

The thing is, I kind of have this written on my dating profile which begs the question?  Does anyone apart from me actually read the things people write on Tinder or is that just on Eharmony or Guardian Soulmates?  and if it is, maybe they're the sites I should be on, actually, I am on Guardian Soulmates, I've just haven't paid for a subscription but it's certainly a hub of interesting, deep, metrosexuals.

I should have known when I asked him what he did and he said he was a glass cutter, even more so when he said if he could do anything he would have been a soldier!  The thing is I have tried relationships like that before and they don't work, we politically disagree on everything, I emasculate them because I'm an independent business woman and although I might be lonely I certainly don't need to be saved by a man.

I feel what I'm doing now is somewhat groundbreaking (for me anyway) I am actively turning down men who are not suitable, I would never have done this previously for fear of spending my life alone but I've come to realise, give me Netflix and my beagle and I'm actually pretty happy, or maybe I'm just working my status as a professional part time hermit currently but sprinkle in there my best friends and I really am ok with just being on my own until I find my kind of perfect.

So, is it bad to have certain requirements or questions that you have to ask to find your kind of perfect?  I mean it's possible that I might have this all wrong and maybe I should be looking for the exact opposite of myself but somehow I think not, I have enough experience in relationships to know what does and doesn't work for me and you know what?  If you can't sing along to some of the musical numbers from Moulin Rouge or similar and you can't name at least some of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webbers greatest shows, if you can't tell me your favourite Doctor and why and if we can't have a discussion about DC vs Marvel then what in the hell are we going to talk about for the next 20 years?

Meanwhile on Tinder

When I woke up at 9.45am this morning I suddenly realised I'd once again failed at writing a blog post in preparation for today, to coin a phrase I am something of a blog numpty at the moment, it's the damn transitional times when to be quite frank, nothing is really happening, most people think I live a life of Carrie from Sex in the City but actually, the reality is that for the most part, I live a pretty quiet life, some days it's harder to blog than others because nothing happens and I can't imagine 30,000+ people turning up every month to read the tales of a lady who gets up every day, does a little work, has some toast, walks her dog, does a little more work, watches too many movies and goes to bed, even Dickens couldn't make a bestseller out of that!!

It's true, I live a life of vicarious adventures through the movies I watch and in the way that I write, even I think my life sounds more exciting when I read some of my blog posts back, it really is a shame that I didn't ride off into the sunset on the back of a white stallion with Mr France, I am thankful though because of all of the things I've ever written about, that was my favourite chapter so far, if nothing else, it helped me be a much better writer and in some ways he fixed me and showed me there was life post marriage.  Still sad though I guess as, and I'm going to say this out loud, I HATE dating, I know it's supposed to be fun but it really isn't when you are in your forties. 

I hope you'll forgive me but I strayed back onto Tinder late last night, it's not that I'm looking to meet anyone right now but a little window shopping never hurt anyone and let's be fair, Tinder is a game, it's window shopping for grown ups and it's about a million more times exciting than doing your weekly online shop at Waitrose.  

Ok, so I swipe left way more than I should for someone of my age and status but I'm nothing if not picky, I mean, given some of my past choices you might argue with that but no, I definitely have a type and although I may have changed from favouring clean shaven to loving the bearded sorts I'm mostly unwavering, tall, dark (or blonde) and a little bit geeky gets me every single time, I can't help it, I'm definitely more brains over beauty but at the same time I'm quite visual so it always helps when my face likes their face!

I've dipped in and out of Tinder a few times in the last year or so and I've had approximately 3 matches in that time, whilst my friends seem to get matches every 30 seconds, it's the curse of all of my friends being younger than me and suitably more glamorous I suspect but for now at least it's something to entertain me on the dark stormy nights, I'm not even sure I've ever had a conversation on Tinder but I hold out some hope at least that there's a high functioning man who'd like to date a quirky lady and have adventures in my time machine as we fly across galaxies exploring multiverses and eating way too much cake with china cups of Earl Grey tea.

So that was Wednesday ladies and gents, I went to an event, drank 2 cocktails, watched a movie or two and caught up on The Flash and Supergirl, oh and walked Holly Bobbins in the spring like sunshine where I took the above selfie whilst singing loudly amongst the trees, oh and Nelly said to me last night, "I love your blog, I have to read it every day because it's better than a soap opera"  Well Nelly, soap operas must have gone down hill a lot in the last few years, that's all I'm saying!!

In Support of Metrosexual Men

Yesterday wasn't the best day, I accomplished very little other than the basic fundamentals of self-care, I didn't go anywhere, I spoke to barely anyone and my only friend was my dog and a pile of movies, it's a sign when you have seen every single movie on the Sky Valentine channel, I knew I was a movie buff (or a Cinephile if you want the correct term) but I really have seen a lot of movies!

I watched The Girl On The Train and then I watched Australia and then I watched The Truman Show, all great movies in their own genre, particularly Baz Luhrmann's Australia, a cinematic delight with the most beautiful cinematography I have ever witnessed, it had been a few years since I last watched it and something strange happened, I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Hugh Jackman, well it seems I've done an 180 degree turn where his face is concerned, I used to love unbearded Hugh and now I prefer him with a beard.  I never really liked bearded faces you know, for many years I would dread when Paul would grow one and now I love beards, I'm not going to say the beardier the better but a well-coiffured beard and matching hair is always going to be a win, I'm a big fan of male grooming, we ladies have been doing it for years, I love that men are now embracing it. 

I think perhaps the day I decided I needed to find a metrosexual man was possibly the start of my slide into a love of beards, I guess if you are in touch with your feminine side then you are going to have to even that out with a little hair.  You know, when I was younger, the thought of finding a "nice" man wasn't that appealing, I think a lot of women rebuff the nice friendly men in the hope they'll find someone manly but you know what, I'm so done with the treat her mean to keep her keen kind, I'm done with passive aggressiveness and narcissism and I'm done with trying to fix lost causes, I have enough of my own issues without trying to make a big hard man try to love more. 

I know I'm a bit broken at the moment and that's ok, I'm not asking anyone to fix me either, I'll do that myself with some people who are trained to help me, I don't want sympathy, I just need a little empathy and understanding, I need hugs and I do need to have supportive people around me, I don't think there's any shame in asking for that.  While leaving part of my online life has left a huge gap in my life currently I know that in the coming months I will heal and I'll move on, the spring will come and I will want to be outdoors, I will spend my time walking in the sunshine and I'm making it my quest to find new real life people to spend time with, there's always room for more friends and even though I have social anxiety in some situations I'm going to try hard to work on that.

In writing about my life for so long now I really hope that what's happening now is just a speedbump, in every great story that's ever been told you have a beginning, a middle and an end and in the best stories you get plot twists all the way through, sometimes you don't even understand what's going on until just before the very end.  Well, I hope that what I'm writing about now is the middle of my story and when we get to the end I hope it'll be the happiest chapter, maybe even the most surprising.  Oh and if there are many more twists and turns ahead then I can't help but hope for the musical crossover, every story should have at least 1 musical episode!