Sometimes, no matter how much you want something in your life there just seems to be no feasible way to make it actually happen and no matter how much you want that something or someone there are always going to be situations beyond your control. You know in Love Actually, the relationship between Laura Linney and the hot office assistant, the one that is impossible? It's kind of like that, sometimes the extraneous social circumstances get in the way.
Being 42 and mostly single sucks, I mean it really sucks, it kind of hurts in my heart every day and it's always there like a dull pain that never goes away. When I was married, I gave out my whole heart, when Paul finally left he gave me my heart back, albeit slightly battered, bruised and a little incomplete. One of the worst parts of separating in any kind of relationship is that you essentially also lose your best friend and companion, someone you've spoken with each and every single day for more than a quarter of your life is suddenly gone, the conversation is abruptly ended and only the noise of cold hard silence remains.
In the 2 years after he left there were many days of absolute silence in my life, there was a period I couldn't even listen to music because it felt too loud, but slowly friendships replaced the void and the world became more gentle again, about 6 months ago I started to listen to music again, it doesn't matter whether I'm walking to a photo shoot, travelling on the bus or train or sitting working at my desk I am constantly accompanied by music, a little like a constant companion I guess, I adore music though others may judge me as having dreadful taste, my current theme tune (if I was to be accompanied by one) would be "I can do better than that" sung by Anna Kendrick in The Last 5 Years.
So recently as you all probably know, a little noise returned into my life with an ongoing conversation with a somewhat adorable man, I think we saw each other maybe twice in that first couple of weeks but we've had an ongoing conversation pretty much every single day since. It's lovely and I feel like we're becoming great friends, I also feel like we could have rocked each other's world's as we're so completely opposite to each other, we do seem to agree on our love of Superheroes though but that is possibly the only thing.
I've always been someone who made things happen, someone who would go out and get the things she wanted, it comes from being a strong independent forthright kind of woman, I know that life doesn't wait, you have to go out and grab the things you want by the neck (Mr Adorable, if you are reading this, don't worry sweetie, I'm not about to come and grab you by the neck) but in this situation it's just not a possibility and I'm left constantly thinking that there's something potentially fabulous which is perpetually just out of reach.
So what do I do? The constant dilemma has been at the very forefront of my mind for the last week and the only solution is just to carry on with life, count myself lucky that I've found a new friend and if fate wants us to bump into each other or even go on another real life date then I'll have to trust that fate will indeed intervene. If it doesn't, well then it wasn't meant to be in the first place and that's ok because Mr Adorable, you know what? You will always be the first man in a very long time who I wasn't scared to talk to, someone I've become myself with, it's a shame that I didn't get to make you laugh more in real life and it's a shame there are so many obsticles but life is just like that sometimes, Now I should say that I'm not going anywhere but I can't guarantee I'll always be free or available, the ball is very much in the court of the Universe!!