So it's been a week and I've not blogged, I think the possibility is that, it's just been quiet apart from my major anxiety meltdown when I found out that I had to go to court as a witness for the prosecution in March over the weird guy who threatened me after me seeing him chasing a man down the street with a knife.

Anyway it's my 4th CBT today and the last before Christmas and I'm not noticing any difference to my anxiety levels yet, surely if I'm halfway through I should be noticing some changes, I honestly don't believe that 8 sessions will be enough, I had a year of psychotherapy!

So, this week is all about finishing up for Christmas, I have 2 more photo shoots tomorrow and then just the editing to go and then I'm done until January 8th which is the longest break I've ever taken.  The £100 all inclusive voucher offer ends at midnight on the 22nd and I'm doing a Facebook Live on the 23rd to announce the winner of the £250 upgrade, or at least I will be if I sell at least 10 so that it's a fair contest.  I'm hoping as people get paid this week that they'll consider purchasing one to use in 2018.  

I stupidly lost my bankcard yesterday, no idea how I did it but between home and the post office it somehow went astray so now I have to rely on Iain and Harriet to give me cash and me transfer the money until the new one turns up, if it's not here by Thursday Iain is on standby to pay for the Christmas grocery shop, thats one delivery you definitely don't want to have cancelled at the last minute or we'll be eating a freezer full of odd contents, chicken breasts with smiley faces for Christmas dinner anyone?  Actually, Iain would probably love that!

I was thinking about 2017 and the fact that I never really expected to be ending another year as a single lady, I really thought after all this time that someone would have found me by now, I'm mean it's basically unsurprising, I'm a middle aged bipolar woman with 3 children, not exactly what you would call a catch.  I do hope though that although I'm happy on my own for now that I won't have to spend the rest of my life alone, I mean 50 years or so, it's a bloody long time, argh, what I wouldn't give to turn the clock back about 10 years, Christmas 2007 I remember being one of the happiest, I loved being a proper family at Christmas, I'd literally sell my soul to have it back.

This blog was not meant to get all maudlin so perhaps it's time to sign off, perhaps that's the reason I've not blogged this week very much, I think I need to go and get a hold of myself, give myself a good talking too.

I wish you could craft your very own life, I would be married with happy teenagers having the friends I have now, it would be like the greatest cake you ever tasted.  Meh!  I'm sure it's just a stage and by midweek I'll be a bouncy, happy, cheery bunny by the middle of the week, Christmas of course fires up all of the emotions and no one can be super happy 100% of the time so maybe this is my hour of mourning the loss of Christmas past and by lunchtime all will be well again, maybe I should cook some party food because that always makes me feel better!

Welcome to Summer...

Sitting on my bed working dear reader, the light is dim and the central heating is whirring in the background, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I'm actually writing this during the month of November but heck, no, it's blooming June, flaming June, bright and sunny June....

My new lovely hair thanks to my amazing friend Steve, Looby calls him Stylist Steve, I think he's got magic haircutting fingers.

These last few weeks have offered many challenges and I ended up with an enforced weekend off due to less than perfect weather conditions.  I wonder if it's because I've not been shooting so many weddings this year, usually June is glorious unlike August, statistically the wettest month of the year, one can only dread what's going to happen this year if even June is letting us down!  So here's the thing, the rest of the week looks quite quiet and then on Saturday I have 2 portrait photo shoots, a 3 hour wedding and a 2 hour ruby wedding anniversary party to photograph and then Sunday I have more portraits, Monday I have portraits, this continues right up until Looby breaks up and we have our summer holidays, weather, you have a couple of days to get your act together and then you must let the sun shine through, the clouds must disappear and all of the fine rain which sticks to your clothes and skin must kindly stop for around 9 weeks, in fact actually if it was just nice until around Christmas Eve that would be perfect.  Oh heck, now look what it's made me do, I've just made my first mention of that C word, forgive my kitchen French and lets say no more about it....

Holly with horns, there's a scary thought!

Moving swiftly on and I have to say that apart from the weather related incidents life is pretty good at the moment, it's a gentle pace and I won't win any prizes for my rockstar lifestyle but I'm pretty content and happy and so are the kids and the menagerie I seem to cultivate.

Holly continues to be the laziest beagle in the world, yesterday she decided to get up at lunchtime, we went to Morpeth for lunch to celebrate my 8th Business birthday and as it was raining she went once around the town centre before deciding she'd had enough.  This morning I coaxed her out of bed at half ten but just to get her down the stairs took more effort than it should, she's definitely a teenager now!

So, 3 weeks on Friday and we're off to Edinburgh, Iain is delighted to get rid of us for a couple of weeks, we bought our rail tickets but we didn't buy returns because we don't know where we're going to go for the second week but to be honest I don't really care, as long as there's Looby, Holly and I I'm going to be delighted.

Looby goes to St Marys for 2 days next week and she's dreading it, she still says she doesn't want to ever leave Benton Park and I do know how she feels, when Looby leaves I'll have been a parent at that school for 15 years, it really does feel like the end of an era and the jury is still out on who's going to cry more, her or me!  Every time I think of my youngest child reaching the point of going to secondary school I feel strange, the completion of a life stage I suppose and those early days when all 3 of them were small and the days and nights seemed endless from lack of sleep and I guess I had moments where I wished them to be older, we all do that don't we on the bad days?  If I could stop time for a while right now and have the ability to enjoy some of the best days over and over I'd jump at the chance, I know time travel might not be within my grasp but at least I have the ability to remember the moments through photographs I've taken and those are the things I cherish whilst still leaving enough room in my memory and on wall for cherished moments and adventures yet to come. This last year more than any other has taught me to press record in my mind of the best days so I can replay them to myself on the not so bright days and then if you can recapture that feeling of joy you experienced then, well then you have the ability to always be happy and smile even on the darkest, dullest, and stormiest of June November days.

Christmas Memories and trying to remain positive...

Well it's officially December the first dear reader and at the time of writing this I made it to December before putting up my Christmas tree, I hope you're proud!  You see the thing is, well Christmas was always going to be a tricky proposition, it's not that we always had the most amazing Christmases because lots of them involved things which just took the edge off like blatantly awful hangovers which meant grumpiness or being ill which meant saying things you wouldn't normally say but did because of the pain levels.  I remember when we had been together for about a year and we would beg for no grumpiness and so it would be declared some time on Christmas Eve and if we were lucky it would last until Boxing day.  We also had some brilliant Christmases though, I was proposed to at Christmas, the 22nd of December 1999 to be exact, it was after 3 bottles of wine and a biryani so I'm not sure how romantic it actually was but I said yes straight away.  Then there was the Christmas where I was pregnant with Abigail and my present was a hamper filled with about 50 individually wrapped small presents, these are the things I'll always remember and I'll treasure and I'll try to not be too sad if the memory takes me unexpectedly.

The other day I was in the kitchen baking with the music on and suddenly I found myself sitting on the floor crying to Ewan Mcgregor singing Come What May, yes I gave myself a stiff talking to afterwards and then laughed at myself and the ludicrousness of the situation but it's funny how things creep up on you unawares like that isn't it?!

It's been a good but busy work weekend and I'm not out of the woods yet though I do feel like I am entering the home strait now that it's actually December, I have my eyes on the prize, 2 weeks off with my children in the most festive part of the season.

This week I've said to Looby that we are going to do at least one festive activity every day, we have Christmas crackers to make, Christmas decorations to sew and I think once my shopping has arrived tomorrow we can actually make some mince pies, the first batch ever with my home made mincemeat, I can't wait to use that for sure.

When our Beagle Welfare visitor was here she asked if we were having a party because of all of the bottles of alcohol under the bench in the kitchen but the reality is that if I see a bottle I like I buy it, I rarely drink any of it, it's just the power of knowing I can have it in the house, something I could never do before, it's funny the things we do isn't it?  If anyone does pop around at Christmas they'll be sure to be offered a festive tipple for sure, it's funny though that Iain and I rarely touch any alcohol, that's what happens when you have lived with someone who drinks heavily, I think you see the damage it causes and it puts you off for life, don't get me wrong, I still like a nice glass of wine on an occasion but 1 or 2 and I am done, to be honest anymore and I tend to fall asleep anyway!

This weeks family to-do list is another wonderful thing from Looby, you know I think that girl may be the reason I get through difficult weeks, she's a total wonder and her bright enthusiasm cheers me up even in the darkest moments, she's got such a beautiful heart and I hope that her uniqueness never changes.

Being angry in an online world

Good morning dear reader, I hope you'll excuse me for writing this from under the warmth and comfort of my duvet, Looby has gone on a school trip and Abigail and Petunia are with their dad and it's a bit too chilly to get up yet so I've made coffee and come back to snuggle until it gets a lot lighter and warmer.

I wanted to write a really positive blog post today but I feel I can't hide the fact that yesterday made me feel so much sadder than all of the days which had gone before.  You see there I was on Twitter being cheered up by a friend when an online attack was launched at me on twitter, a foray of angry words from someone clearly hurting and needing help and reflection, I think sometimes we forget that we're living in an online world and words can be weapons from time to time, I think sometimes we may engage pen or stylus before brain follows through but I don't believe I have done anything which deserves what happened yesterday.  I asked him to stop, told him he was making the situation so much worse and he did thankfully but 1 panic attack later and a fall onto the bus scattering the change from my pockets all over the bus floor and I was left wondering just what more can I take without taking decisive action about the future.  My main goal since the beginning of this tragedy is that I wanted to remain friends not only for the health and well being of my children but also because I didn't want to have to try and erase 14 years of memories in my mind because they hurt too much.  I think when people are hurt, confused and devastated it can make them do strange things they would never have even considered, they make rash decisions without thinking about the consequences but whatever happens you must understand that there are ways of going about things and there are acceptable forms of behaviour and  unacceptable ones.

When you are hurting it's very hard to remain calm and dignified but you must for in many years from now you won't be able to erase the harsh words or thoughtless actions and then it may be too late to recover all of the friendship and happy times because they have been buried under a larger pile of unpleasant thoughts and words and deeds.

Be kind to yourself and others, treat yourself as you want to be treat, do good deeds, say lovely things and it will all come back to you so that you may live a peaceful life of happiness and one where you can forgive yourself and others, paranoia, ugly thoughts and anger will only lead to a long term life spent alone and bitter.

Two good things happened yesterday, firstly before I had a panic attack I managed to quite successfully stay at the desk in my office without having a meltdown and hiding under it, thanks to Helen, your coping strategy absolutely worked wonders so that's my tip for today on dealing with conversations on the return to life after a major life event, if someone asks how you are, just say fine and ask them how they are in return, completely deflecting the attention and creating a much more comfortable moment until you decide what to say at a later date.

My second good thing was that I got my half stone award on only my 3rd return visit to Slimming World, 8lb in 3 weeks which does go to prove somewhat that eating on trains and the Megabus isn't so good for your waistline and also I believe that when I lose some bulk when I look in the mirror I feel a little better about the face that stares back at me, one day I may even be brave enough to buy a full length mirror, not quite there yet and it's always a bit of a shocker when I go into changing rooms and see myself in full length mirrors, if I get to a size 12 I may take the chance and actually purchase one.

Today dear reader I want you to look into your mirror and see the face before you and give them a smile, they might have had a bad day but it's amazing what a smile from another person can do for your soul.

Crafty Goings On

I decided in light of the fact that I've been fighting an ear infection for nearly 3 weeks that I'd take the whole weekend off and concentrate on scrapbooking in the kitchen and so I thought I'd share what I've been up to so far.

I've been working in 8.5x11 a lot this weekend, I find it's quicker and I tend to make simpler layouts and with 500 photos to catch up on from the wilderness years where I didn't scrap (june 2007-nov 2010) I think speediness has to come into it.  This first layout is a tribute to the fact that whenever we have photos together Meandering Paul always pulls silly faces, together we're not quite picture perfect!

I'm not one of those scrappers who only scraps the perfect parts of life, I think it's important to let our ancestors see that, well not everything always goes to plan and so this next layout is of the Christmas where Meandering Paul couldn't remove himself from the sofa and was a bit crabby due to over indulgence on Christmas Eve when I was ill and couldn't stop him.

another 2009 photo, we went to Hartlepool historic Marina, thats not really the point, the point is I think it was the last time both of the girls wore anything matching and pink, Abigail definitely isn't a girly girl and Looby, although she's girly she says of pink "it's my worst favourite colour mammy"

Yesterday I got a lovely box of Amy Tangerine stash and OMG it's blimmin lovely, straight to the pile of photos I went and scrapped this photo from 2010 at Alton Towers, spiritual home of the Charltons.

Finally something scrapped with my August 2011 Sarahs Card Kit

my first month as a subscriber and I loved this box full of goodies, I scrapped photos from the summer holidays 2010, a year when we had so many adventures, I did remark to the girls that summer 2010 was the summer of fun, sadly summer 2011 has been the summer of ill for lots of different reasons.

I most definitely have my scrappy happy head on at the moment so I'm off to the kitchen table again to create more works of art to leave a legacy to my ancestors.

A little light reflection

So last night, Looby was on the computer googling, let me tell you a 7 year old with the power of Google is a scary thing.  It was quite sweet though when she found me through a google search, she hadn't faired so well with her daddy so it was a bit like magical surprise when she found me!

She found my blog, I always knew that one day my kids would find it and I'm so glad they did because they spent the next hour looking at old photos of themselves (my blog began in 2006 when Looby was only 2) and watching old home video clips that I put up there, I'm so glad I had the chance to capture her cuteness and bottle it forever.

I looked at my blog stats and realised I rarely blog anymore, well not in comparison to how often I used to, in 2006 I blogged an astonishing 400+ times, this steadily declined and after I started my business it's down to about 60 posts a year.

Looby also noted that my blog was full of strangers and not enough photos of them, I did explain that I blog everything including favourite shots of clients and she's fine with that as long as I blog more photos of them and so dear reader that is the task I am setting myself, I have taken back my blog, given it a fresh look and now it's time to try and use it more often to blog our daily lives and our memories so that when they sit reading with their kids on their laps their kids will also marvel at a 2 year old Looby saying "Bye Bye Everybody".

My quest to document more of our lives has begun....

Guess Who We Saw Yesterday

Looby waiting Patiently.Abigail waiting with anticipation. There he is, can you see who it is yet?Taking Orders for the list.Finding out what the children will leave on Christmas eve for him and the reindeers.
Yep, it's Santa, the girls had a blast, we go and see Santa at Heighley Gate garden centre every year, you can see last years visit here. It's the beginning of our festive celebrations and of course I bought a new winter throw, Paul will tell you of my obsession with throws if you ask him nicely!!

Oh and those of you who've just joined my readership, I thought you might care to see a little craft so here's my button tree I mentioned earlier in the week.