Good morning dear reader and it's great to be back to regular blogging every day, last week it all fell apart really between shooting 20 portrait sessions over the course of 7 days and then dog sitting plus trying to squeeze in life and home, in fact I would go so far as to say it was complete chaos but there've been some lovely memories made and this week for me is really about getting back into a proper routine and also really making a huge effort to get up to date with work and business.  I'm aiming for that hallowed two weeks off at Christmas and I feel I can only really do that if business is up to date or I just worry.

Life has been ok though, it's getting better every day I think, I think I'm a pretty good single parent, I seem to remember all of the good things to do with the kids and I'm managing to shoe horn a great business into the times when I can work.

Last week I got 2 new lovely advertisers on my blog so I want you to say a huge welcome to Spark Cleaning Services and Verity Wealth Management.

Spark Plus Services specialise in domestic and office cleaning all over Newcastle and the North East of England and in fact they are coming for a meeting tomorrow because I need an extra pair of rubber gloved hands in my house, I may be many things but I am not full on supergirl and knowing that someone is going to come and work their magic in the core essential rooms of my house once a week is of great comfort and well worth the financial outlay.

Verity Wealth Management, well as their name suggests they're the people to go and see if you need financial advice and again I think it's probable that I need to go and have a chat with them about pensions and financial planning for my future, especially going through a divorce, i'm sure that makes things a little bit more complicated and I really need to make sure that the kids are looked after in the event that anything untoward happens to me, I know, I hope to live until I'm 100, probably really should get that pension sorted out, I can't see myself out photographing kids, families and weddings when I'm 92!!

One of the highlights of the half term holidays for the children was of course Halloween and Looby and I carved pumpkins, made a gingerbread scary house and she also rocked her halloween costume which was Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, Petunia provided her scary face as the wolf ;)

This went down incredibly well with all concerned, Petunia didn't quite manage the scary face but Looby came back home with enough sweeties to last until Christmas 2015 and I commend her for the effort that went into taking Petunia along for what was her first Halloween, I can't wait to see what she comes up with next year, something Game of Thrones themed perhaps?

Abigail came over for 4 days of the week and we all went down to Teeside to visit our lovely friend Li and her daughter on Saturday, what a fun day we had and we can't wait for Christmas together when they're staying over on Christmas day so that Li and I don't have to worry about indulging in a glass of Champagne or two, well it wouldn't be Christmas without being able to drink copious amounts of bubbly stuff all day, I never really manage to do this you know, I have a couple of glasses and then I'm usually craving a nice cup of tea if I'm honest!

This week I have photo shoots on a couple of days and then next weekend I have a photo shoot in Hexham in the park on Saturday so if any blog readers would like to take advantage and have a photo shoot at 11am on Saturday in the park at Hexham please do get in touch, it seems a shame to go all the way to Hexham and only do 1 photo shoot although Looby and I have already planned that we'll have a wonderful mooching around Hexham day afterwards.

Don't forget that weekday photo shoots start at only £25 for a photo shoot in Jesmond Dene, why not take advantage while the weather is still good and there are so many wonderful reasons to have photos, Christmas really is just around the corner now and thanks to Christmas 24 I'm assured of being able to watch Christmas movies at any time of the day or night.  They're not all what I would call totally amazeballs but they're festive and an easy watch, especially if I'm trying to work at the same time.  It's just a shame that the channel isn't in HD!

And so onwards as I launch myself into Monday, 2 photo shoots in Jesmond Dene this morning and then I am editing a wedding and doing album designs, luckily for me it's Monday and Iain picks Looby up on Mondays and then they go to Mcdonalds on the way home, it's their brother/sister bonding time, not that they need it at the moment, Iain sorted out Loobys laptop so she could have Minecraft installed and he helped her set everything up and she thinks he's the best brother ever, I do have the best kids ever!

Have a great day and may Monday be Magnificent!

Time and Space

Time and space dear reader, it sounds like the start of a Doctor Who episode, I nearly actually called this blog adventures in time and space but that might just be seen as plagiarism and quite frankly I am way too original for such nonsense.

Just now I'm at a point in my life where I finally have aforementioned time and space to think and be myself.  I set out my stall that what I needed was a month of complete space to think, mull things over and make one final decision because I've never done that before, i'm usually entirely heart lead which gets me into trouble over and over and at the age of 40 it's time for this to cease.

You know what though, I'm actually loving not having to answer to anyone but myself and perhaps the children, I finally actually feel in control of my own destiny something which I've never felt for the last 15 years, it wasn't that I didn't have the room to go off and achieve stuff but it was far more controlled than I would have wanted it to be even if it wasn't meant to be.

I actually think I make a pretty good single mum, I'm old and wise enough to have patience and I rarely if ever raise my voice, I have pretty fabulous kids which of course helps but I really don't see the point in screaming and shouting if you want to achieve something anyway.  I also think I'm young enough to still be silly and have fun with the kids, I am seen as slightly eccentric anyway so I can get away with a multitude of strange behaviours without anyone raising an eyebrow, if I feel like dancing along Northumberland street then I do, I did once get told off for twirling in Sainsburys but in my defence Looby had just twirled before me and she was the one telling me off!!  Parents, they're supposed to embarrass their kids right?

I'm actually feeling overwhelmingly positive and happy about the future at present, I can't wait for Christmas and to share that with my lovely friend Li and her daughter, you should see my growing pile of Christmas decorations/homeware I have been collecting on my travels, it's now a rather large pile in the corner of the kitchen, can't wait until I can festoon it around the house, I am going for the full on Christmas house from the movies feel this year, festive duvets on every bed, I do hope I can get all of the decorating done in time.

I'm sure there are going to be times when the loneliness hits and I haven't exactly decided how I'll deal with that if I'm honest but hopefully it'll be with a clear head so I can think it out logically rather than just making stupid decisions which in the end just lead to more pain and heartbreak, don't get me wrong I do believe in true love and soul mates, I do believe that love is the most important thing but that doesn't mean it's enough, it's just not that simple.  If you do have it though, embrace it and enjoy every sweet minute of it, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all as they say...

This is half term...

Apologies for the lack of blogging dear reader, it's half term and I'm currently dog sitting for my lovely friend Aggies baby spaniel who isn't so much of a baby, he's an 8 month old cocker spaniel and he is completely bonkers and he turns my usually quite quiet and calm Petunia into a completely bonkers husky.  I was out with them both at 7am and after a half hour of chasing each other and the other dogs in the dog park and then an hours walk they're both completely passed out, fingers crossed they stay like this for enough time for me to buy paint for the bathroom and toilet, ingredients for my Christmas cake and if I could also have enough time to make said Christmas cake and pop it in the oven that would be great too!

I'm sure I was a confirmed cat lady until Petunia came along and now I just feel like Doctor Dolittle with a house full of animals and children!  I love it though, it totally takes my mind off everything which has been going on around me lately.

I've been thinking a lot over the weekend about being on my own for the short or long term and I think I've come to the realisation that I might actually want to be on my own for a while, I need to find out who I am again and I want to be able to concentrate on my kids, animals and business without having extra things to worry about.  Life has been so overwhelmingly stressful for the past couple of months that I am literally and emotionally exhausted and I just need a break from it all.

I'm making myself really think with my head for a change instead of my heart because my heart just gets me into trouble.  I also have my house which I am renovating and want finished by Christmas if possible so I figure if ever I get a spare moment then I'll just grab a paintbrush or power drill and do something instead of sitting feeling maudlin.

I've always been of the opinion that if you can face even the toughest times with a bit of positivity then they will in the short and long term be a lot easier to deal with.

This half term week I have 20 photo shoots spread over the week and then the days off are going to be spent sharing quality time with my kids interspersed with decorating, emptying the upstairs bedrooms and planning for the future.

I will try and keep up with blogging as much as possible this week but I hope you'll forgive me if I stray a little from my daily posts because life is just so busy and with that I am off to buy that paint while the kids are relaxed and the dogs are sleeping, have a great Tuesday everyone!

Trying to regain control of my life

I wasn't sure I was going to blog today, I'm trying to take some time to process everything that has gone on lately, I realise how little control I've had over my own life and my destiny and I am trying to regain some of that at the moment.

I'm not really sure what I want from my life from this point on, happiness and contentment with my children and dog?  That's not too much to ask for is it?  I have no great plans to be with anyone other than myself for now and maybe forever, I just don't know really, I know that I have the best friends and the most supportive network of wonderful people who care about the kids and I.  I'm going to get some more therapy to help me process everything that has happened and hopefully change my behaviours so that it never happens again.

I have nothing to offer my children but love and affection which can't really compete with promises of ski-trips, puppies and whole new wardrobes of clothes but then I have no other financial support than what I earn myself, I just hope that the kids in the end will realise that feelings and love can't be bought, I fear this realisation may take a while.

Last night was movie night, our new weekly tradition, it went so well and my chalkboard is already full of suggestions for next weeks movie and food choices, it makes me happy that something which cost so little could be embraced so well.

Excuse the not very high quality of the iphone snap, it was getting dark and it's a miracle they're all actually in it together.  We did have Tacos and then we watched Malificent and of course there was popcorn and ice-cream.  Next weeks suggestions all seem quite Halloween related, I can't think how that happened ;)

You know, I think my main worry in everything that's happened is the misinformation being fed to the impressionable young minds I love, I'm only ever honest but it seems the very things which manipulated my mind for so very long are being used against the kids and I really have no control over this, I can only hope that one day they'll all read my blog and they might understand fully and completely how much I loved them and how hard I tried to stay married and how many chances I offered, I gave until I could give no more and I relinquished any control I had over and over again just to try and find some happiness and stability for us as a family as a whole, I thought we would be a family forever and right up until the very last juncture I tried to hold us all together.  I hate how fractured everything is now and if I had a magic wand or a time machine I would transport us all to a time of happiness and love.

Have a great weekend and I'll be back on Monday, hopefully much more positive, i'm really going to work on that this weekend.

Leopards can't change their spots

Yesterday I was faced with the horrible heartbreaking realisation dear reader that leopards really can't change their spots and no matter how many false promises someone makes their true colours will always show.

In the whole of my heart I lived with the hope that we would all be together again as a family one day, I didn't want to give up and I didn't want to have a failed marriage, I never wanted that but I realise that all of the things I have inside of me which make me feel like I've failed and make me feel like I wasn't good enough again were not caused by me.

Life I think in some respects is about to get much harder, without hope I have to go through the breakdown of utter heartbreak again but I was deluded to think that things could ever have been different, in as much as I wanted to hold together the fabric of our family I should have realised that it was ripped to shreds beyond repair long ago.

I think in some sense it's a bit of a relief because now I know the path before me and although I'm facing being lonely for a while I know in the end I'll be ok, one day I'm going to be quite brilliant and I shall sparkle on a daily basis.  I know now that I'm going to work hard to make my business amazing so that I can provide my children with every thing they'll ever need and I will do it on my own without any financial support and without complaint and each moment when I am not at work I shall use it to spend with my children so they know just how much I love and adore them, we'll make our house the best home ever, we'll have as many friends around as we want, we'll continue to rescue animals who need a second chance but I think we'll stick to the four legged ones.  We'll go on adventures to wherever we want and no one will ever be able to say "you can't do that."  I think I'm still in a better place than I was at the beginning of September because a lot of the things have just become clearer to me.  I know this much is true, if you love me, you love the whole of me and all of my children equally because all of my children are fabulous amazing people and I'll continue to tell them that every day.  When you're in a marriage or relationship you have to accept everyone in that unit, you can't pick and choose and you can never expect the other person to allow you to ignore or turn a blind eye to your hatred of any of them.  Mums will always choose their children above a man no matter how old their children are.

It's been hard of late with Abigail spending more time at her dads than at home but today she's going to be here when she finishes school, Iain broke up from college for half term on Wednesday and Looby broke up yesterday so by later this afternoon we'll all be together my children and I and we're having Tacos and it's movie night, Malificent being the movie of choice as it is a tenuously linked movie to Halloween and it's of course that time of year, let me just say that some of the suggestions on our board for this weeks movie had a definite Christmas theme but I am saving Elf  (btw, it's only £8 on blu ray on that linky thing) for another day.

Tomorrow I have a day off and I honestly have no idea what we'll do, we did have family plans but it really looks like we can't pretend anymore and they're just not going to happen, I think the most I can hope for is friendship one day, in the end you can't have someone on your own terms, I think my analysis of the situation was that while I wasn't wanted completely I was wanted enough to make sure that I could never move on and you can't do that, it's pretty clear cut for me, together as a family forever or get on with our own healing and lives being co-parents to our children and dog, you can't have it all and expect someone to have a weird courting sort of relationship with their own husband without a promise of anything else for years, I'll never accept second best even if it's heart breaking, one day someone will love me properly with their whole heart without any conditions or expectations that I'll ever be anything other than just me, it may be years before that happens, it may never happen but you never really truly know what's around the corner.

Have a great weekend and don't forget to love the ones you're with and be with the ones you love.

Oh how I wish I was a minimalist

Life would be a lot easier if I was dear reader, I could have spent years moving nothing around a virtually empty house musing about the spaciousness of it all.  Sadly I like stuff on the walls, the shelves, in fact pretty much every surface I have has something on and when it doesn't I feel it looks empty, I like a homely home, I like a cluttered home, I like vintage trinkets and treasures to adorn the furniture which is also usually used because I hate new stuff.  This of course is a problem with wardrobes because of the weird town house we live in I can't actually get assembled wardrobes up the stairs. The one in my bedroom which is from around 1930ish had to be dismantled and reassembled and you can imagine the glee that caused ;)  The only solution to the top floor bedrooms will be to buy flatpack Ikea wonders...harumph!

Halloween is almost upon us, I'm also not a huge fan of Halloween because I feel it gets in the way of Christmas but the kids like it and the Amazon Halloween department has just about everything you could ever need for next weeks spooky spectacular.  Looby has her costume already, she's going to be little red riding hood and Petunia is going to be the ferocious wolf, I'm not sure she's going to be able to carry that performance off quite frankly!  Abigail mostly hasn't decided if she's joining in because she's at that funny age where she'd still like the big haul of candies which make your teeth fall out but she feels she's to old and sophisticated to go and knock on neighbours doors wearing a witch costume.  I have a feeling knowing Abigail that she will as ever decide right at the last moment and I'll be ordering the day before hoping that Amazon haven't sold out.

I've decided that I'm not buying house decorations this year, I only end up throwing them away the next day whereas I always store Christmas decorations but I just feel it's an unnecessary spend and after taking 3 black bags full of stuff to the Charity shop yesterday, giving away some Disney costumes, a slow cooker and a hoard of craft supplies I am definitely trying to downsize the clutter I have an not increase it with dead hands and rubber faces.

I finally framed some of my recent images and they'll make the perfect Christmas gift if you're planning ahead, the rustic framed ones are only £25 and the black framed ones are £35, if you would like to purchase one just send me over a quick email and if you would prefer to do your own framing then you can purchase any prints from my Etsy store Philomena's Boutique

It looks like a beautiful day out there, I am going to Jesmond Dene for a couple of photo shoots and it looks like being a sunny lovely morning so whatever you are up to today make sure it's a fabulous Thursday

The continuing quest to have a house just like everyone else

Yesterdays weather rather wrecked all of the plans I first had, I wasn't a huge fan of Washington Old Hall and Gibside was closed due to high winds so Petunia didn't have the huge day of walking but I did go and buy some storage and a shoe rack that matches the coat stand I have in the hall, all I need now is a console table and my hall will very much look like the halls other people have, instead of somewhere filled with clothes horses, ladders and bikes which is pretty much the way it's been for 10 years.

I framed photos yesterday and these two frames are now proudly hanging on my lounge walls, I think there's only 1 gap now that needs a picture/painting/photo, I'm never painting the walls or moving, the displacement of about 50 photos/paintings/pictures would be a nightmare!

Speaking of decorators, I spoke to one yesterday and even though he can't fit me in until the end of November I have hope that by Christmas my house will be fixed and beautiful and in the mean time I'll soldier on and see what more I can achieve.  Both of the bedrooms on the 2nd floor are being gutted and 1 is having a New York loft industrial feel and the other is mostly going to be Maroon with black accents, that's because it's Iains bedroom and he needed something manly and they're his favourite colours.  The NY loft was a theme suggested by Abigail and then I've developed that, it'll be a great teenage bedroom.  My bedroom has a hunting lodge theme and then my living room is overwhelmingly a tribute to a Highland home, my kitchen doesn't really have a theme but at Christmas it becomes Narnia.

I really need to have people over soon, just 1 or two so I can work through the terror of having people in my house, I'll get there one day I'm sure and then I plan to have a house which is constantly full of people, it'll be a lot cheaper than meeting in coffee houses that's for sure!

work continues to be so busy and I thought I would share a few portraits I've shot lately, if you would like to book a family portrait photographer in Newcastle just click on that link and send me an email and I'll try to fit you in as soon as I can either at a location of your choice or I have lots of photo shoots coming up in Jesmond Dene, in fact sometimes I'm there just about every day.

Now go forth, have as much midweek fun as you can and may all of your Wednesdays be wonderful.