Over the last few weeks I've faded into the black on even my own facebook page, I stepped away and didn't work for pretty much 3 weeks other than my existing calendar commitments.

The truth is that I've had one of those health scares which I think a large proportion of people have at some time or other but it doesn't stop it throwing your life into turmoil.  I'd been feeling unwell for ages, mostly complete exhaustion coupled with some other dodgy symptoms which we're still trying to get to the bottom of but when I was told I had to have a scan on a lump, well, your mind goes to some pretty dark places and suddenly my world came to a halt.

Here's the thing, if it had been the big C, I honestly have no idea what I would have done, I have business interruption insurance and I have people around me in my business who would have looked after my clients but for me personally, I have the kids, I have a handful of close friends but for someone going through a serious health crisis, I would have had little to no support.  I made plans for work because when you run your own companies that's essential but I didn't really make any plans for me except to take some time off and think it out, and whilst I couldn't concentrate on many things in life I just poured my heart and soul into my garden and making sure I had a haven where I could feel safe and calm.

After 2 weeks and 6 days I finally had a scan on Thursday to be told that I have a cyst and whilst it's a big inconvenience, that's all it is, it's a sebaceous cyst just like the ones I have on my head or have had removed.  I've learnt some people are lumpy and some people are not.  To say I breathed the biggest sigh of relief is an understatement but it lead me to think, for every one who breathes that sigh of relief there are also those who face the real challenges that follow and I can't think how hard that must be.

It's looking more likely that I have CFS, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, also sometimes known as ME, it's not perfect but let me say this now, I work at weekends and whilst it may take me a week to recover with migraines and neck pain almost every day, it won't stop me working.  I have my calendar down to me just working on weekends and Wednesdays now and at weekends I mostly only work for 1 day and sometimes it's just for a couple of hours, it's not brilliant but it's manageable and more than that, it's not cancer and so for me, I'll just have to be careful of the flare ups and it's really something which has probably been underlying for a long time, there are maternal genetic factors that made it 8 times more likely that I would end up with it or the sister syndrome, fibromyalgia, at this point though, it's more likely CFS.  I do have brain fog but I've been straight up, if I get my words mixed up, just laugh at me, it's what the kids do.

I also think since this current flare up I'm actually way better than I was, I'm not getting so mixed up and I'm back to my regular 10 hours of sleep a night and after working on Saturday I didn't even need a nap afterwards, when it was at it's worst I had to have a nap after a half hour photo shoot.

I attribute my improving health 100% to my garden, the ability to be in a calm place outdoors for 10 or so hours a day has aided my recovery tenfold. I already take a whole raft of vitamins including a high strength vitamin D3 but there really is nothing like the real thing, nothing like pure sunshine to make you feel stronger, better and healthier in yourself.

I sat in my garden yesterday afternoon after a day spent pottering around the garden and wandering around a local garden centre with Holly Bobbins and Harriet, I was happy in my heart that I've escaped a crisis, getting old is crappy but at least now I know with some changes to my diet and the continuation of garden therapy I should hopefully live for at least another 50 years if I'm lucky!

What's it really like to have dermal fillers?

If you've been following me on Instagram you may have already seen my stories sharing my progress on my non-surgical facelift journey, yesterday was the day of my appointment, I had Juvederm dermal fillers injected into my face at the Queensway Skin Clinic in Jesmond  and though it's too early to really reveal the final results I thought it might be handy to discuss how it really was, what happens at the appointment and how you're going to feel afterwards.

I don't think anyone should go ahead with this procedure without serious thought, you are after all about to have needles and catheters inserted in your face and whilst Dr Uzma Olbrich and her team are amazing, you should know that there are risks, I read through the consent forms three or four times so that I knew exactly the treatments I was about to undertake, let's just say, the decision to  alter with your face should never be taken lightly.  Thankfully Dr Uzma and her team made sure I was so well informed both at the first consultation and then again before any needles were inserted in my face.

So, I arrived at the practice and the first thing they did was take some photos with a macro ring flash, this helps the practitioner really see where the issues are and also it's a good record of your face before the treatment.  After the photos comes 15- 20 mins of sitting with a good cup of coffee whilst waiting for the numbing cream to work on your face.  This makes treatment much more comfortable although you should note that they are sticking cannulas and needles in your face so it's not completely pain free, I actually found it to be uncomfortable more than painful if that makes sense.

So after drawing on your face to mark out the treatment areas the first needles are inserted, you'll find they use a mix of needles and cannulas so they can direct the Juvederm gel into the right areas, I had a mix of Juvederm Voluma which is a non surgical cheek filler and I also had some Juvederm Volift which is lifting like the name suggests.

I would say the only really uncomfortable bit was on either side of my nose, V ouchie but it was the last bit and bearable, probably not quite as bad as an eyebrow wax really and I'm not hard as nails just in case you are wondering.  In fact I hate needles so I closed my eyes throughout.

The whole treatment probably lasted around 45 mins and the effects of dermal fillers can be immediate though I have to be honest, I couldn't tell any difference at all apart from the swelling and redness.

What Happens Next?

Afterwards you're advised to take it easy for the rest of the day and because there's local anaesthetic in the fillers you're face feels pretty weird, it feels tight and not quite your own and it's a challenge not to touch your skin for 6 hours.  You're also told to wear no makeup for the next 12 hours and it was a blessed relief to cover up my rosacea today.  You also can't lie down for 6 hours and I can't have a facial or massage for at least 2 weeks.  Today my face feels a little tender and a bit bumpy in places but that's just the swelling going down and the fillers settling.  The next 2-3 weeks is really going to be where the magic happens.  Firstly the fillers will settle and they'll also send signals to my own collagen to start producing again and my face should regain a fuller texture.  

I have to admit that I can't really see a difference at all, it is sensitively done though and I'm going back in 3 weeks when we'll decide if I need a top up  but when the work is complete (I know, I sound like I'm having building work done) I'm promised I'll look rested, younger and like I've had a really good holiday.

I'm not sure what I really expected straight after, I have joked that I would wake up looking like Amanda Holden but sadly I'm still me.  If I can look in the mirror in 3 weeks though and see myself how my face looked in my late 30's when I didn't feel the need to use filters then they'll have done their job.

I think it's very hard when you are having stuff like this done, you check in the mirror every few hours to see if the magic has happened yet but really I think it's only going to be in a few weeks that I'll look at one of the photos I took just after and be able to see any big changes or big to me, not big, it's supposed to be subtle after all.

I am being given a non-surgical facelift in exchange for telling my story and I'm so grateful to Doctor Uzma and all of her team for helping me reach my true potential and helping me to look into the mirror and see the best version of myself which at 44 isn't a bad thing at all.

20 Fun Facts About Me!

It's still Twixtmas and I have to say that I am loving the Christmas holidays, yes there's been the odd moment of bittersweet loneliness but it's passed much more quickly and that is because I am of course happy.

Since we're coming to the end of the year I thought I would divert a little and as I've gained lots of new readers of late (hello out there) I thought I would come up with a list of things, you might not know about me or maybe a list that tries to encapsulate who I am in a nutshell, I'm sure there are things I'm going to forget but lets see how far I get...

1. I love Philosophy, I mention bits and pieces in blog posts when I feel it's relevant and I'm a huge fan of Greek mythology, I think lots of the stories are relevant in our lives now, I'm not sure if I believe that the original stories actually happened or if they're just great analogies to help people live good lives and make wise choices, my favourite stories are that of Cassiopia, Sysiphus, and Orpheus and I'm always intrigued by the storiy of Oedipus although that's more to do with Psychology and having daughters I can completely relate to the story of Electra, I may have even been subjected to the Electra complex when Abigail went through her hating mum stage at around the age of 5 and suggested that she and her daddy make poisoned perfume for mammy!  I kid you not!

2. I love talking about time travel and the theories of multiverses, it's probably why my favourite TV show is The Flash.

3. See above point, I adore superheroes, my favourites being The Flash, and Supergirl, also a big fan of Superman.

4. I love shoes, I mean I really love them, the saddest day was when I had to sell all of my Irregular Choice shoes on Ebay, however I'm now pleased to report that I do have a couple of pairs which fit.

5. I sing often, actually I sing all of the time and my close friends know that if I stop singing it's probably a sign that there's something wrong.

6. When there is something wrong, for example if I'm cross or cranky or even a crabby old fish face, I can usually be made to smile and relax with the gentle introduction of cake and perhaps a hug.

7. My love for musical theatre is true and undying, in another multiverse I am a leading lady on Broadway.

8. I once auditioned for Michael Barrymore's My Kind of People, I wasn't successful thank goodness

9. I always have access to emergency cake or chocolate, it's a basical fundamental skill, right now my handbag contains chocolate coins, and everyone knows that chocolate coins are the highest form or bribery and not just for children!

10. My achilles heel is loneliness but I'm working on that and mostly it's only passing moments now rather than days or weeks of feeling like I'm in a barren unloved wilderness.

11.  Every night I make a wish on the first star I see, you should try it too!

12. When I lie in bed every night I try to be thankful for the good things that have happened.

13.  I cry more now than I have done for 12 or so years but it's not a bad thing and it's mostly due to feeling so happy that I want to burst, I absolutely embrace each tear.

14.  I can go from intelligent and reasonably high functioning to completely absurd and ridiculous in 3 easy moves and certain people bring this out in me more than others, lets just say that people like Harriet and Mr France encourage my whimsical side.

15.  I am thankful for bipolar because it makes me the person that I am today and I doubt I would be so wildly creative without it, that doesn't mean it's not a challenge to live with but I guess it's about recognising your makeup, not letting it define you and embracing it.

16.  Since September I have truly embraced myself more than ever before, my children notice the laughter, the silliness and the general fun that has returned to my life and my home, they delight in giving me withering looks or just laughing with (or at) me.

17.  My favourite colour is Emerald Green, I suspect it's got something to do with the Wizard of Oz but I can always be guaranteed to cut a dash when I wear green.

18.  Music is one of the most important things in my life, I listen to it every day and sing along at the top of my voice, I often dance along the street with headphones in and if I think no one is around I'll sing out loud, this to me is how life should be.

19.  I'm very good at euphemisms but mostly they're completely accidental, when I try to think of them it doesn't work quite so well so please don't ask, just let it happen or you can of course follow me on Twitter where every day is a euphemism.

20.  My favourite time of day to write blog posts is late at night as I have just proved, I have written more blogposts at 11pm at night than at any other time of day in nearly 11 years.

I hope that you have enjoyed my 20 whimsical facts about me, sometimes it's good to do something just for fun and in this list I have definitely achieved that.

Happy 12th Birthday Lovely Looby

You find me still in bed snuggled beneath the duvet feeling like someone hit me over the head with a poorly stick, this week has been the worst health week I've had in over a year, migraines lead to toothache which lead to an emergency extraction at the dental hospital which lead to a reaction to the anaesthetic which meant I lost an entire day of memories and now I'm full of cold, it's that thing where you are usually strong and sturdy and then someone takes the bottom Jenga tile away and you topple, my immune system has taken an attack and my body hasn't quite built up the weaponry to retaliate yet.

Well it's got less than 24 hours to make a movie like comeback and foil the evil germs like a super hero slaying the arch nemesis in the final moments of the story because today my baby girl is 12, today 12 years ago at around this time I was preparing to have my second cesarean section and at just after half past nine Looby's little body was placed on my chest and it was love at first sight.  She's always been my sunny baby, even the night feeds were a chance to spend extra time together, I remember her tiny years where she would still skip along even if she was crying and sad, She's a sunny funny gorgeous girl who loves everything and everyone, there's a special quality she possesses, a caring gene I think, she's always making sure that others are ok and helping where she can, she lives a life of being happy and hopeful and thankful and she gives the very best hugs, Looby like me loves with all of her heart, if Looby and I love you  then we love you and that's all there is.

I'm so proud of my baby, she's transitioned into secondary school far easier than I thought she would, she's still appalled that her school bag has to be a dark colour and can't be covered in unicorns but she managed to get a unicorn lunchbox to compensate, she's still not fond of the confines of the uniform she has to wear but within minutes of her coming home she's back in the brightest boldest colours she has in her wardrobe and when you look at Looby's wardrobe it's like sunshine!

This last year has been not without it's challenges and she's come through it all with joy in her heart and a smile for everyone so this weekend she's getting the five star treatment she truly deserves, tomorrow I have first class tickets to Edinburgh (our favourite place in the whole world, you know this) and we're booked into the 5 star Sheraton Grand Hotel and we cannot wait, I think it's my first 5 star hotel too actually when I think about it, we've read all about the swimming pool right on the very top floor and that's where we'll be heading followed by dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and then I think there'll be lots and lots of shopping and maybe an afternoon tea on Sunday before we come home on Sunday evening.

So a huge happy birthday to my gorgeous girl and I hope you have the most brilliant birthday weekend ever because you truly deserve it.

My Project - 1 year on, what happens now?

You know I was talking yesterday about our digital legacy and Timehop ect, well just lately my Timehop has been filled with the images and adventures I had when I embarked on the project a year ago and every day I dread opening the app as I suppose I had kind of shut it out, I've spoken about it privately with various friends and I have blogged about it in amongst other subjects but as the one year anniversary approaches with the project stagnant at city number 24 I thought it was time to publicly state where I am with this all.  This week marks 9 months since my husband walked out of our marriage as we knew it and a month later Abigail went to live with him, I don't really talk much about it now in public because we just kind of get on with it but I can tell you that there are things we have been through in the last 9 months that I didn't ever imagine I would have to endure again.  The hardest thing has been going from a 2 income family to a 1 income family, single parenting changes everything, how you live, how you work, your whole life entire becomes something other than that which you knew.  I hadn't for a moment thought when I embarked upon the project that Paul and I would separate, it was my worst nightmare, it still actually is, I still to this very day love him with all of my heart.

I'm not someone who likes to let people down and I'm also not someone who likes to leave things unfinished and I have had many sleepless nights trying to think how I could go forward to the future and finish the project but at this point it's not even vaguely possible, I don't have the income, the business infrastructure or the family support I would need.  I was so used to coming and going as I pleased, I knew that if I wasn't around Paul would be there to tend to the kids and it had always been the same the other way around but you can't just do that as a single parent, I'm not questioning Paul's parental skills, he's a great dad to Looby but Looby has needed me so badly over the last 9 months that my whole life has revolved around her pretty much, and Iain, who has no other family in the whole world apart from me (he tells me this and it makes me so sad, he's said even at the age of 18 all he would really love is a proper dad) still needs me to be there.

When Paul left I tried to maintain my business but my head and my heart weren't in it and something must have gone amiss because in January I saw a huge decline and by March I was living on  batches of cous cous being unable to pay even the most basic of bills.  I haven't had a public mental breakdown, perhaps because I'm too stubborn to fall apart although there've been times when I've certainly been on the edge but luckily every single time I've fought on even further for the sake of the kids and I.

To this day I am now regaining control of my business and have fallen in love with it again, not just portraits but also weddings, something I had previously decided to give up but now I continue onwards for perhaps another 10 years.  It's still very early days where that is concerned though as mostly you're always booking a year or two in advance so whilst we're pretty much out of the woods and I'm being able to invest in my business again we're not exactly ready for a tropical beach holiday. 

I want to say today that I have not given up on the project, one day I intend to finish it, I'm just about to start selling quite possibly the largest collection of life stuff that I have built up over the last few years,  Once I have a large savings pot then I can take the time off to go travelling with Looby and Holly and via air bnb I think it's quite possible that I can finish the project one day.  I think it's about being able to take chunks of time out of my diary and then renting a house for a few days in the south whilst I tackle those cities.

I've questioned myself so much over this, I've had one or two unpleasant emails which have shaken me up, I would not have gone into this if I didn't think I could finish it, I have hated myself for not being able to deliver when I thought I could and I constantly beat myself up that I have let people down.  My business investors continue to be present in my mind and on my blog and they'll remain forever because it's the least I can do.  I'll never ask anyone for any help ever again although I still hold out hope that one day a publisher will think it's a brilliant idea for a book and help me to complete it, obviously even then it would be with Looby and Holly at my side and never being away for so long that Iain feels alone, he often says if I'm away for too long it drives him crazy because he doesn't see other people, he goes out once a week to his friends and he goes to college 3 days a week although he's just about done until September now.

I wish I could go back to the beginning knowing the things I know now, for one thing I didn't even scratch the surface of the cost of the project, I invested every single penny of savings I had and my accounts for last year are going to be so awful that it's probably better to laugh about them than cry. One thing I do know is that I absolutely underestimated just how much the breakdown of a marriage can affect you when you have a business or if you think you are financially independent even within a relationship try taking one half of that away, it's beyond all reasoning and some things I still don't understand.

So thank you if you have stuck around with me, continue to support me with friendship and love and to those who doubt me, hate me or feel let down I truly am sorry, take comfort in knowing no one feels more like that than I do.  This blog has been coming for some time, I hope you'll excuse any typos or bad grammar but I had to just get myself into a space and write it straight off so that I wrote exactly what was on my mind, it's really the best way sometimes.

Impatiently waiting for spring

I don't know about you dear reader but I am so sick of the cold, central heating and having to go out wearing a hat, scarf and gloves.  I am yearning for spring with all of my heart, warm sunny days where you can leave your coat at home.

I woke up with a sigh to see damp and frost on the roofs this morning, this week, to me it's seemed like spring was just on the verge of being sprung but its still been a lot too cold for my liking.  My poor Reynauds fingers and toes are still way too cold and white and sore by the end of long dog walks unless I bundle myself up like a large squidgy marshmallow when I go outdoors.

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed every minute of feeling the sunshine on my face, I just wish it was a teeny bit warmer.

My Mothers Day sessions on the beach look like they're going to be freezing cold again this year, I shall be wearing 16 pairs of socks and 22 pairs of gloves...(or maybe not).

So universe if you are listening, I know it's not astronomical spring until the 21st of March (I know this because my good friend Darren tells me off every year if I mention that it might be spring before that, it's his birthday on the 21st so early Happy Birthday if you're reading) but if you could just see your way to providing some warm with your sunshine I would love you forever.

One thing I have noticed though is that the crocuses seem to have bloomed everywhere, huge carpets of them, I'm not sure if there's been a mass planting of them when I wasn't looking but I can't remember there being quite so many in previous years.

I'll take any promise of spring at this point, especially today when the mizzle I can see through my window does not look inviting for my 10k steps for the day.

Maybe I knew, I had a bit of a nesting thing yesterday so I must have known that today would be a soup day!

I'm off to meditate to the universe now and along with abundance and peace and vitality I shall also be asking for warm, coatless days and central heatingless evenings!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

The festive period has well and truly landed at Charlton towers, yesterday we festooned the house with as many Christmas lights as we could find and Looby, the little gem that she is did the entire tree apart from fluffing up the branches and putting the lights on, she's a little Christmas wonder that one, she even said as we were having our 10 minute bedtime chat that she knows that Christmas isn't about presents, it's about spending time together as a family, I told her she should never change and she told me her teacher had said that to her last week too!

Apologies for the slightly dodgy quality of the Instagrams but it was pretty dark by the time I was able to photograph it and still no photographs of downstairs, I might do that after the cleaner has been as it's abysmal!

There was a certain sadness yesterday as putting the Christmas decorations up was always such a family occasion, I would do all of the decorating, the kids would put the decorations on the tree and Paul would sit in the corner getting drunk on egg nog, it's not that I miss that part so much but I've always so strongly firmed in being a family that it's sad the way that things ended up.  Poor Abigail is really poorly and stuck at her dads, too ill to come home apparently so Abigail if you are reading this, get well soon and come home to see that Christmas has arrived!

Tonight I am going to a Christmas party, my first foray into the world and being social, I've already tried to get out of it several times but I am taking Stacey to thank her for working so hard for me this year and also because there was less chance that I would actually chicken out of going.  I did say to all of the children that I could stay home if they needed me more but Looby said this morning that she wanted me to go out.  This is the first of 3 festive events I have invitations to but this one is the only evening event out in the big wide world, I'm slightly terrified but at least it's at The Stand in Newcastle so 1, it's in the dark and 2, it's comedy so I don't actually have to talk to people.  I don't actually have anything to wear at this point and there's a bottle of hair dye on top of the fridge which stands between grey haired old lady me and slightly younger red headed me.  I'm running to the retail park once lovely Daria stops cleaning around me and I've seen the black dress I'm going to buy so it's just a quick run into the M&S outlet store and a grab at the nearest rail!

Back tomorrow, if I survive...

This is half term...

Apologies for the lack of blogging dear reader, it's half term and I'm currently dog sitting for my lovely friend Aggies baby spaniel who isn't so much of a baby, he's an 8 month old cocker spaniel and he is completely bonkers and he turns my usually quite quiet and calm Petunia into a completely bonkers husky.  I was out with them both at 7am and after a half hour of chasing each other and the other dogs in the dog park and then an hours walk they're both completely passed out, fingers crossed they stay like this for enough time for me to buy paint for the bathroom and toilet, ingredients for my Christmas cake and if I could also have enough time to make said Christmas cake and pop it in the oven that would be great too!

I'm sure I was a confirmed cat lady until Petunia came along and now I just feel like Doctor Dolittle with a house full of animals and children!  I love it though, it totally takes my mind off everything which has been going on around me lately.

I've been thinking a lot over the weekend about being on my own for the short or long term and I think I've come to the realisation that I might actually want to be on my own for a while, I need to find out who I am again and I want to be able to concentrate on my kids, animals and business without having extra things to worry about.  Life has been so overwhelmingly stressful for the past couple of months that I am literally and emotionally exhausted and I just need a break from it all.

I'm making myself really think with my head for a change instead of my heart because my heart just gets me into trouble.  I also have my house which I am renovating and want finished by Christmas if possible so I figure if ever I get a spare moment then I'll just grab a paintbrush or power drill and do something instead of sitting feeling maudlin.

I've always been of the opinion that if you can face even the toughest times with a bit of positivity then they will in the short and long term be a lot easier to deal with.

This half term week I have 20 photo shoots spread over the week and then the days off are going to be spent sharing quality time with my kids interspersed with decorating, emptying the upstairs bedrooms and planning for the future.

I will try and keep up with blogging as much as possible this week but I hope you'll forgive me if I stray a little from my daily posts because life is just so busy and with that I am off to buy that paint while the kids are relaxed and the dogs are sleeping, have a great Tuesday everyone!