Ok, so I fell off my own daily blogging habit again, it happens sometimes, sometimes I just need to take a couple of days away to clear my head and sometimes I'll suddenly become aware that there are people out there in the real world reading my blog, so ok, I know this is going to sound crazy but I've only ever written for me, I write with passion and sometimes with anger, I write when I am deliriously happy or when I am overwhelmingly sad and I always write in the moment.

There's a pressure I think when you count the number of readers you have or the number of people following you on social media, I have those times when I don't blog and then I look at my stats and I feel sad because of the lack of readers but sometimes I genuinely can't write.  I wish, with all my heart that I was the kind of super power blogger who could put out three or four blog posts every day but sometimes I can barely manage one or two a week, it's not that I wouldn't like to blog every single day but I just physically can't.

I read more blogs than ever before, I feel like I'm actually becoming part of the blogging community, if you want to check out some great blogs your first stops should be Lisa, Natalie, Hannah, Martyn and Rachel, oh and Lucy, I adore Lucy's blog and I've actually met her in real life!  I've been pushing my blog out there into the blogosphere now since about September 2014 and I love being part of the North East Bloggers but it's also nice to become part of the wider UK blogging community, I find all of the peoples blogs I recommended to be thought provoking, amusing, engaging, well written and witty and they're my first stops on the internet in the mornings whilst I am nursing that first perfect mug of dark liquid energy.  Sometimes I comment on blogs, not always though for fear I'll come across like a mad stalker and really I'm way too independent and headstrong to have any stalking tendencies whatsoever so take heart internet friends!

I guess I wish that everyone came with a blog, it's so much easier to get to know people, there are bloggers who's blogs I may have only read for a short space of time but I feel like I've known them my whole life and of course just like Netflix you can binge read old posts, I tried to do that with mine yesterday in the hope of finding some inspiration and what I found was actually quite scary.  I actually found myself not knowing the girl who wrote so much 10 years ago, I have changed so very much, I'm way more confident and self-assured, I'm much better at embracing my unique eccentricity which makes me the woman I am right now, I also look better in photos!

I wonder to myself how my blog will look in another decade, I'll always blog now, I know that and anyone who I meet will have to be quite ok with that because it's part of me but I think the one thing they'll have to accept is that sometimes I'll blog what's going on in my head and they'll have to learn to not over analyse or question what I am writing because it kind of cramps my writing style.  I write about my teenagers and they know about it, they read my blog (well Abigail does at least) and they certainly never question it so it's not outside the realms of possibility that I'll meet a man with the ability to do the same.

So here's the message at the end (Jerry Springer style) if you blog, blog with all of your heart, blog what really goes on in your mind, don't gloss over it or pretend that things are all around awesome when they're not because you should only ever write what's in your heart and your readers will appreciate your honesty, you may also help someone out there who's reading but feels they don't have a voice of their own.  So write with passion, write with anger and always remember why on that very first day you sat down to write your very first blog post.

When do we begin again?

It's October tomorrow, the month of glorious leaf fall, bright happy colours and sometimes, just sometimes warm woollen mittens although I must admit that warm woollen mittens do not go well with camera holding so I mainly end up in pointless fingerless gloves which must have been designed by masochists, fingerless gloves have so much promise without any actual point, they're gloves but you still have (or at least in my case) blue numb fingers, yes it's no surprise then that winter isn't my most favourite season.

I've been on my own now, a forty something singleton for over a year and I must admit that although I love my sparkly happy life and I'm grateful for each and every friendship I do miss kisses, hugs and someone to cuddle into on a cold winters evening, I do of course have Holly the Beagle but she's entirely rubbish at political debate.

Last night whilst pondering this and conversing with one of my loveliest friends we mused that when we are old and grey we'll call each other every day just to make sure we haven't died and we aren't currently having our faces eaten off by our cats!

I definitely know now that I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life and more increasingly of late I've been wondering just when do we begin again.  I have this wonderful friend who's marriage ended just a few months earlier than mine and last week came the news that she and her new beau are to live together, it's so amazing that she's found the happiness that she so deserves and all this whilst I haven't even had one meaningful conversation with another member of the opposite sex in all that time.

I'm a bouncer back, I don't like to be sad for too long, I won't let myself be sad for too long, it's not good or healthy but I can't help but have the occasional pang of loneliness, I watch way too many rom coms, one quick look at the list on Sky Movies is enough to tell me that, there are not many I haven't seen.  last night I watched Man Up, a Simon Pegg rom com about a couple who accidentally end up on a blind date together, well sort of, it's a bit more complicated than that but I really recommend it in fact I cried at the end as I always do because I realise every time that's what I want, I want movie love and for anyone who says that never happens in real life well I would have to disagree, I've had it before and I know that I can have it again, well barring the fact that I am somewhat older now, actually lets not say older, lets just say wiser and much more experienced!

I hope one day it will happen to me, I'm certainly not going to force anything, internet dating fills me with dread and fear so I am leaving it to fate and the universe and I know it'll organically happen, I just hope it's before I die a lonely death and have my face eaten by my cat!

Happy 12th Birthday Lovely Looby

You find me still in bed snuggled beneath the duvet feeling like someone hit me over the head with a poorly stick, this week has been the worst health week I've had in over a year, migraines lead to toothache which lead to an emergency extraction at the dental hospital which lead to a reaction to the anaesthetic which meant I lost an entire day of memories and now I'm full of cold, it's that thing where you are usually strong and sturdy and then someone takes the bottom Jenga tile away and you topple, my immune system has taken an attack and my body hasn't quite built up the weaponry to retaliate yet.

Well it's got less than 24 hours to make a movie like comeback and foil the evil germs like a super hero slaying the arch nemesis in the final moments of the story because today my baby girl is 12, today 12 years ago at around this time I was preparing to have my second cesarean section and at just after half past nine Looby's little body was placed on my chest and it was love at first sight.  She's always been my sunny baby, even the night feeds were a chance to spend extra time together, I remember her tiny years where she would still skip along even if she was crying and sad, She's a sunny funny gorgeous girl who loves everything and everyone, there's a special quality she possesses, a caring gene I think, she's always making sure that others are ok and helping where she can, she lives a life of being happy and hopeful and thankful and she gives the very best hugs, Looby like me loves with all of her heart, if Looby and I love you  then we love you and that's all there is.

I'm so proud of my baby, she's transitioned into secondary school far easier than I thought she would, she's still appalled that her school bag has to be a dark colour and can't be covered in unicorns but she managed to get a unicorn lunchbox to compensate, she's still not fond of the confines of the uniform she has to wear but within minutes of her coming home she's back in the brightest boldest colours she has in her wardrobe and when you look at Looby's wardrobe it's like sunshine!

This last year has been not without it's challenges and she's come through it all with joy in her heart and a smile for everyone so this weekend she's getting the five star treatment she truly deserves, tomorrow I have first class tickets to Edinburgh (our favourite place in the whole world, you know this) and we're booked into the 5 star Sheraton Grand Hotel and we cannot wait, I think it's my first 5 star hotel too actually when I think about it, we've read all about the swimming pool right on the very top floor and that's where we'll be heading followed by dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and then I think there'll be lots and lots of shopping and maybe an afternoon tea on Sunday before we come home on Sunday evening.

So a huge happy birthday to my gorgeous girl and I hope you have the most brilliant birthday weekend ever because you truly deserve it.