I'm a photographer, I've seen the world through glorious technicolour imagery every day of the last ten or so years, I never used to notice the minute changes in light, or the way shadows fell as the hours in the day drew on, or the way the world looks when the sun shines after the rain or the hours around sunset as the world turns warm and glowing followed by blues and blacks invading on the light that is left in the day.

As I sit here writing this, my only light, the screen and keyboard, it's the wee small hours of the day, it's not quite tomorrow but there's not a lot left of today, all that has gone we cannot change but the unknown awaits, the promise of a new day, a blank page, one more chance to start again.  Often these late hours are the ones I enjoy the most, the comfort of the darkness which befriends my solitude, I'm not sure when I started sleeping in the middle of my bed but the two years that went before this when I slept teetering on the edge as if I might fall off at any time, I guess a reflection of my life stage, my relationship and perhaps my soul.  I really did always sleep half on and half off the bed.

Whilst the first days of September seemed brutal and unkind I always think it's a great time for a new start, to draw a line through the past, there are anniversary's that I am promising myself this time that I will never mark again, it's not good for my soul or my mental health for their is the greatest joy in life right now, I feel ready for a new start and some new adventures and I want to push myself and my business to the next level, I want to take on some new challenges and celebrate the achievements I've already made.

I am in love with photography more than I have ever been and I truly adore writing and blogging, I feel I've finally found my voice through my personal work, both photography and blogging, I'm more honest than I ever have been and every time I share something I do it without fear of repercussion, I was talking tonight to one of my best friends about the boundaries of a personal life when I pretty much live publicly through my blog, I had worried that one day I might meet someone and they're going to find my blog and read my story but then if that happens, I have nothing to hide, I am who I am whether you meet me on the street or you read my tweets/blog/Facebook status.

Whilst I still have anxieties, social, emotional, personal, I know that I am more happy and confident in myself than I have been for a long time and certainly more than I was a couple of years ago, treading on egg shells is not a good state to live in and so thank you September, thank you for temporarily taking me back to relive some pain and anguish because without that I would't have been able to appreciate just how very far I've come.  Sometimes we have to look back to truly be able to move forward.

Onwards to the next chapter, a whole new adventure awaits...

Why I'm reducing my Bipolar medication

13 years ago, there or there about I gave birth to my beautiful Looby by C-Section, no sooner was she born than I was handed a box of medication to control my Bipolar ll disorder and several months later I eventually found a medication that worked for me and my life was changed forever, I still have slight hypomania and I still have times of depression but for the most part the very extremes don't happen which mean I can live, love and function and for 12 years without any change in my meds this is the way it's been.

Here's the thing though, whilst controlling the most extreme effects of my psyche what this medication has also done has robbed me of some fundamental emotions that most people need to get by and function with, for 12 or so years I never felt real emotional pain and I also lacked empathy and lost the ability to laugh at the most simple of things, for all intents and purposes I became a high-functioning robot, that doesn't mean I didn't feel happiness because I did but it's just not like a normal person would, there were still times I would cry but it would be all too short before I just got on with life.  The impact of this was mostly good, it's amazing what you can do without being controlled by emotions but as time has drawn on Robot Mandy has become more and more noticeable.

Around 6 weeks ago I started a program to reduce my medication to half of the dose, it was felt that it was the right time in my life, I was in a good place, have great friends, amazing kids and I know myself inside and out and practice self care so well that I would notice instantly if something was wrong and could revert to the top dose.  I told my good friends and also my daughters so that if I didn't notice something but they did they could come to me and talk to me about it, I trust those close to me enough to know when my behaviours are different from the norm.

So what has happened in a month has completely blown me away, I have emotions now, I have my empathy back and I am able to laugh, get excited and all of the things many people would take for granted, however, the double-edged sword of emotions is that I'm also now feeling absolutely whacked by sorrow, pain, loss and loneliness, all of the emotions I should have experienced when Paul left but didn't, I never grieved at all, I just got on with life and at the time I spoke about it with friends because I was worried with the numbness.

Right now, life is hard and messy, being flooded with emotions is unexplainable unless you've been through something like it yourself, the nearest thing I can equate it to is when you become a teenager and you're hormone flooded body doesn't know what the hell is going on, I have no choice but to sit it out until everything levels off or I could just make the decision not to bother and go back to the medicated level I was at, I've had definite moments when I've considered it because my heart aches but that's the cowards way out and I know if I can just make it through the next few weeks and months then I should be ok in the end, everything will settle, I'll let go of all of the pain and to all intents and purposes I'll be pretty bloody normal (ish) for the first time in years, I might even be able to read books again.

So why am I writing this all down, well I firmly believe we need to talk about this stuff, there's little enough information out there for people and actual experiences from real people are still in the minority, we misunderstand mental health because we lump each part of it together, even within Bipolar there are many many different presenting symptoms and whilst some people will need heavy medication there are plenty of high functioning individuals who take no medication at all, I don't feel no medication is an option for me just yet and it may never be but for some self-care, diet, exercise and therapy alleviate the need and that's good.

Whilst I may write about amazing shoes, or a fabulous autumn coat, at the heart of everything I write is me, slightly eccentric, mostly happy, smiley, bipolar me, I'll always be Bipolar but I'm also a business owner, mum, friend, advocate, mentor and I believe that mental health shouldn't stop people doing anything, you just have to do things on your own terms and the more we go out there and talk about our health just as we would if we had asthma or diabetes the more understanding and tolerance there would be.  Bipolar is just a label, I'm actually defined only by my own actions.

It's Over, Done, Finished...

Well that's it, over, done, Looby went off to school on her own on the bus for the very first time, I'm not sure given Looby's track record of getting the bus home from school and occasionally ending up in strange places that I am entirely happy with it but with Abigail living in Cramlington now school is very much not on the way!  It does also mean that she's now getting herself up in the morning, going out and I didn't even get woken up, great for me who hates mornings but that same time, it's one of those moments when you realise just how grown up your kids are.

So now for the first time in what seems like months my house is quiet, the low level hum of children playing in the streets is no more and starting the day with a bowl of porridge with just a squeeze of fresh honey, I felt the change in the seasons.  It's also nearly 30c in my back garden currently so I feel we're a long way off winter woollens but if you look beneath some trees there are signs that autumn will soon be here.

Yesterday I sold out all of my sessions on 3 separate weekend dates in October, this year a last minute session does not at all seem possible, I would advise you now to book your Autumn or Christmas card photo shoot right now, it's better to book your session now and get a date in the diary than it is to be disappointed.

These next few weeks are about planning for new projects, collaborating with new brands and catching up, a lot of catching up, I have the most adorable mug of Holly sent to me by Joy who runs Have A Bru I just need time to get it out of it's protective shell and photograph it, I have some gorgeous flowers arriving from one of my lovely clients and the most fabulous autumn coat from another, all just waiting to be showcased and one thing I'm planning this year, instead of a series of gift articles I am going to produce my very first PDF gift guide which will be available for download from October, I'm still looking for more companies to collaborate with on this so if you have a great product or experience you would like to exchange for photos, articles and a page in my gift guide get in touch

September is a difficult month for me, too many demons and memories of Septembers past combined with the blues of the return to normality after an amazing summer I'll never forget but I know all I have to do is plan some great new things to look forward to and after reading Laura's blog this morning I know I'll be adding a little more Hygge (pronounced Hoo-ga) to my home this year, I've already ordered a book called The Cozy Life, rediscover the joy of simple things through the Danish concept of Hygge, I'm actually pretty good at creating cosiness and spend most of my summer hiding in my cool bedroom because my living room is too hot but I'm back in the living room this morning planning a space for a new desk as well as a Hygge corner for relaxing, reading and chilling as well as taking the decision that I am going to take Mondays and Tuesdays off work from next week because I work every weekend, nothing ever happens on a Monday anyway and I'm always exhausted, it really feels a bit alien to take two days off a week after it took me 7 years to just take one but like the Danish it's time to get my work/life balance back and I know it may seem like I'm always going places and doing things but it's just work in other words and a 30 hour week seems like a good plan to me, maybe I am destined to be Danish one day!

Iain was 20 yesterday and Looby will be 13 in 18 days, my children will be 13, 14 and 20, no longer small and dependent on mum, all independent, spirited feisty fully grown young people in their own rights, time I think to not just plan for autumn but for the future, short and long term, lots of changes and maybe some times of turbulence but all for the best, a couple of huge decisions I've yet to make and I am currently sleeping on waiting for signs from the universe, once I know the paths I have to take you can be sure I'll write it here.

So I hope that this first week of quietness after the summer hullabaloo isn't too awful for we know that in just six or seven weeks we'll all be reunited again for half term and for the first time I am planning to work at the weekends of half term and then I'll be going away and doing something fun on the weekdays because life is too short to not have fun dear reader, now go and plan your next adventures

Hello September!

Today it's really dawned on me that the summer holidays, the summer of excitement and adventure, the best summer ever is drawing to a close, my girls both return to school on Wednesday and my house is going to feel so empty and quiet, not that I've been home very often over the last six weeks, tomorrow I'm throwing a little goodbye to summer soiree to mark the occasion and I plan to cook some super tasty and healthy treats because today is the first day of the Handy Diet and Exercise plan, luckily I managed to eat that last box of Polvorones I bought at the airport, go me!

I've put on about a stone in weight over the last few months and I haven't been running since the girls broke up from school so I really do need a shove if you see me standing still for too long or attempting to fill my face with something which isn't grade A healthy.

September for me means, the start of Autumn, the beginning of the busiest time of year for portraits and I know that over the coming months I'll be out there recording hundreds of families making their own sweet memories in what is the most colourful time of year.

I have some new Autumnal lovely shoes which are going to ensure my feet hold out during the myriad of sessions I'll shoot over the coming months, thanks to the lovely people at Hotter who make the most comfortable stylish shoes, seriously, if you are a photographer and shoot weddings, try wearing a pair of these and you'll still be able to stand up at the end of the night!!  You know when you put new shoes on and think "ooh, they'll be comfortable when they're worn in" well Hotter are different, I put my Stephanie shoes on and they instantly felt like comfortable gloves for my feet!

I will also tell you that even Looby loves Hotter shoes, she has a pair of their plimsoles and has worn them the entire summer, they really do have shoes for all ages.

Now I'm not going to lie when I say that September is always a bit of a hard month for me personally, in some ways it's like January, you've done all of the fun stuff and now it's back to work but at least it's not cold, dark and minus 3 just yet and I am hoping that the Indian summer will last right until the end of October at least.

Over the last few months I've learnt to expect the unexpected, I've learnt that there's adventure waiting to be had around every corner, over spring and summer I have collaborated with some of the most brilliant brands and worked to showcase both their products and they're experiences, it's something I never even thought would happen when I became a blogger ten years ago and I still write for me today about a myriad of subjects as well as collaborating and I think that's why my blog feels like home to me, it's enriched with memories and experiences, it's my happiest place but it's also a place where I can be honest, where I can truly be myself, sometimes venting or laughing or even sometimes crying or reflecting, it's good to remember that life is like a big patchwork quilt and some of the sections are bumpier than the rest.

I'm not entirely sure what this next part of my life is going to hold in store but I do know that every time I come home I get itchy feet again, my thirst for travel is unquenchable whether I'm travelling alone, or with my kids, friends or even with Holly Bobbins.  

So I hope you're reading this having had the very best of summer, I hope that your memories will linger on much longer than the kiss of sunshine on your skin which seems to fade the moment you step on the airplane home!

This post contains a collaboration with Hotter shoes but all thoughts, words and previous summer adventures were mine and mine alone!

Separation, 2 Years On, The Unwanted Anniversary

Two years ago today my entire life crumbled when Paul walked out, a month later Abigail went too and life would never be the same again.  On one hand it seems that 2 years have passed in the blink of an eye, that so much has happened and I'm in the best place I could be right now, I have the most amazing relationship with all of my children and I haven't spoken to Paul for several months but then there are the dark moments that catch you unaware, sometimes in the wee small hours of the morning when there's no one around and your heart aches because you feel so lonely or even worse, a passing moment, a smell, a song, a memory which still leaves you feeling like your heart is broken irreparably and you wonder if it will ever be mended again.  It's still so hard to look back when every memory of the last 15 years or so contains you both and that is only going to change with the passage of time, I have no doubt it could take me as long to heal as the time I spent married.

I've seen other marriages end and spoken to single mums who're now in new loving relationships, some are even married to their soulmates and here I am still single and unable to have even a conversation with the opposite sex, if a man comes towards me in a bar I literally become terrified, my anxiety towards a new relationship or even a date is so impossibly high that I don't think it's likely to happen anytime soon.

I wanted to write an honest post and I wanted to be positive but at the same time I can't lie and say I'm fine now because I'm not, mostly I am happy living as I am, I have amazing friends, brilliant children and fantastic adventures and experiences, I have a dog I adore who wakes up cuddled in to me as tight as she possibly can be, some days I wake up wearing a beagle hat or with her paws resting on my cheek and life is rarely boring!  Inside though I am still yearning for the family I lost and if I could turn back time (sorry Cher) then I have no doubt that I absolutely would.  Abigail asked me a couple of weeks ago, "why do you want to spend so much time with me, why do you always want me to stay over?" and I answered her and told her that because each day I don't see her, it kills a little part of me, and now they have a new house in Cramlington so I won't see her every day anymore as they won't be picking Looby up for school although I am happy for her that she finally has a house which is a home for her and her dad.  I guess that brought it finally home though that we would never be a family again.

So now I can finally get divorced without a word of blame being passed and it still feels ridiculous to me that you can get divorced if you love someone but if I wait until I don't I may be waiting forever and who knows, once I am finally, totally and completely free I will relax a little and maybe my anxiety won't stop me speaking to other men and maybe I'll finally have a chance of meeting someone because I really don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own, mourning for an unrequited love.

Tomorrow I will be fine again, I'm sure, but just today, it's raining, it's dull and my heart is aching, and whilst it's not the blog post I wanted to write today I feel like if I write this and get it out there I not only heal myself a little but who knows who out there might be reading, maybe you're in the same place and if you are let me offer you a virtual hug from one who knows, 99 out of 100 days you feel like you could really conquer an army and that's the thing we all have to focus on, because 1 day really is just one day and soon this feeling too will pass.

The Handy Diet and Exercise Plan

It's September, the kids are going back to school and life is calming down after a phrenetic summer of travel and adventure, this means it's time to get back to healthy so along with my lovely friend Harriet we are commencing the Handy Diet and Exercise Plan, called Handy because I came up with the idea after chatting with aforementioned friend and put our two names together, haha!

Here's the good news, there is no plan, there is no "diet" it's simply about eating better food, cutting out the super tasty but calorie laden cakes and treats we've snuck in over the summer and it's about getting back on a path to walking or running every day.  You spend all year working up to summer and having that bikini body or in my case legs for shorts but then it all goes astray once you are travelling, or again in my case, the first time some one offers me an ice-cream!

September is always a time for fresh starts, the start of a new school year and it's always felt to me like the best time to start again, to start from scratch, a new year where there's still a chance of sunshine and warm temperatures and where running and walking are still pleasant, unlike January, no one ever had a lovely walk in lashing rain when its minus 3c!

This plan is not about getting super skinny with thigh gaps or restricting our diets so much that we want to eat our own ankles, and it's definitely not about doing so much exercise that we go cross eyed and fall over, it's simply about regaining the balance, recovering some self control and watching the excess melt away.

I know how to do this because I've done it before, it's about good fats and fresh food lovingly prepared from scratch, with the hectic living of summer I've turned too often to a quick takeaway even though I know that they're not good for me.  I also know that I've eaten way too much bread, not enough fresh fruit and vegetables and let us not dwell upon the cake consumption, enough is enough, you can't change the past, Monday is a new start, a path back to my happy healthy wellness, it's not that I feel particularly bad about myself currently but I know I felt better, happier, healthier, stronger, and fitter when I was at my thinnest.  Last time I got there by completely cutting out sugar but I've learnt that life isn't about extremes, if you do anything to extremes one day you'll find yourself falling off the wagon and probably with your head inside a jar of Nutella.

This plan is all about balance and being sensible but it's not about completely closing off the things that you love either, I can't promise to make it to Christmas without ever eating cake, it's more likely that I would become the next president than it is that I would make it for 3 and a half months without cakes but I can at least try to cut down my cake consumption to a once a month afternoon tea rather than having cake every afternoon with tea!

So if you have had a summer like me, a summer of glorious fun and delicious treats and memories which have lingered on the tummy as much as they have on the tongue then why not join in with my plan, lets all cook more fresh food, eat less crap, get out there and exercise more and we'll be back to our best, happiest, healthiest sizes before even the mention of winter rears it's ugly head and chin up, It'll soon be Christmas when it's perfectly acceptable to eat cake for breakfast (I am joking about that, no really I am).  Life, wellness and health, although serious are not to be taken too seriously I feel so without  further ado lets get out there, spring clean our fridges and lets skip to the beat of a new healthier tune.

Travel, Summer, Life, An Update!

This is what you would call a little life update or a little blog update to be precise, I got back from Barcelona (click the link to see Freddie and Montserrat singing their hearts out) earlier this afternoon and apart from briefly going out for some lunch and (of course) cake I've not really moved from sitting on my comfy lovely bed!

There hasn't been one week this summer where I've done nothing and I'm almost certain that is just the way that I like life to be, you see to me I think you have two choices in life, you can choose to live life in the slow lane, sitting on your couch, complaining that you are bored and that nothing ever happens or you can get out there into the big wide world and take life by the neck and live every second getting as many experiences from it as possible.  Perhaps because I once had agoraphobia it makes me appreciate it even more.

I cannot tell you one single favourite experience I've had this summer because there are simply too many to count, each moment of each day that I have lived this summer has been a moment to remember from feeding friendly sheep on a nature reserve to taking a cable car up Monjuic with Harriet, from meandering down a lazy river Avon on a small boat with Abigail to swimming around a lazy river at a leisure centre in Perth with Looby, a simple experience but one where we laughed and had so much fun.  I may not be the one who goes out and drinks until I fall over, I may not be the one who is the queen of social events and without a doubt I am not the coolest most fashionable, fun mum on the planet but I am the one who has the thirst for travel, adventure, new experiences and exploration.

For every day that I travel I feel more free, more enriched and my soul fills with joy, I wish I had the courage to do this at twenty but then I also think travelling in your forties is even better because you are more confident, it's not all about the nightlife and you can choose to share or not share as much as you want, you can be selfish and travel alone, something I love but then to share travel with your friend or your child is also special too.  The great thing about travelling in the connected age is the ability to share the moment, I have shared with my children the magic fountains of Monjuic, sunsets in cannes, great views in Palma and Pisa, with Facetime and Video calling you are never far apart and even when you are travelling on your own, with social media you can share precious moments with thousands, we live in a special age of travel.

This weekend apart from fulfilling a couple of photo shoots I plan to just be, to reflect and maybe to start organising, editing and maybe even sharing the thousands of photographs I've taken this summer, I never buy souvenirs other than a magnet for my fridge because I have the photographs, I can relieve every single experience every time I look at the image, I may have been slightly cursed with being bi polar but I've also been blessed with the ability to be amazingly creative, a double edged sword but I cannot imagine seeing the world through the colours I see it in.