Newcastle Photographer and Content Creator, Mandy Charlton, Always on a quest for adventure, often seen on buses, trains and planes. On a quest to be happier and healthier. Lives in Newcastle with her 3 cats, Iris, Maggie and Arthur. Loves good vibes, musicals and cakes. Full time professional wedding photographer in the north east of england alongside content creator on Tiktok, Instagram and Facebook

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Why coming off Reboxetine didn't work for me

Today, I took a choice, I took the choice to be happy rather than being medication free, after 9 days the withdrawal was intolerable, every measure I have in my self-care checklist told me that I needed to do something to rescue myself from the place that I've slipped to over the last couple of days.

Okay you're thinking, 9 days wasn't exactly the biggest victory and really you are right, I could have given it a little longer but as I sobbed to Harriet on the phone at the end of an afternoon of crying for no other reason than the effects of withdrawal I just knew that it wasn't worth it anymore.

Right now, my heart is the saddest it's been in a long time but for no known reason and that's the worst part, over the last couple of days my moods have plummeted to the very depths of depression like they used to when I was on the worst downswing of bipolar and I'm sitting her now writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks because I feel in such despair.  The fact that I've gone from happy to this in such a short space of time is scary, really scary.

I have not given up,  going back to the half dose is half the dose I've taken for nearly 15 years and yes I may lose out on getting back some of my muchnesses but it is better to have my high functioning quality of life back than to go through any extremes of mood ever again.  How I feel now is too familiar to the long dark days of depression.

The article I released on Blue Monday was actually written last Friday when I was still doing amazingly, had I written it on Monday it wouldn't have said what I wanted and so I'm glad I was still in my happy place when I wrote it.

I took some meds about half an hour ago and so I know it is now just a matter of sitting and waiting, in a few hours the physical side effects from withdrawal should disappear without a whisper, it may take several days for my moods to get back to tip top and full on sparkly but hopefully by the time I go to London on the 28th I'll be back to my old new sparkly wonderful self.

I have to forgive myself for not succeeding, I wanted to do it so badly, I wanted to be the success story but really I'm more than a little cross that these things aren't spoken about when you go onto the medications in the first place, yes it makes you better but you also lose facets of your personality, no one told me that I wouldn't be able to laugh for 10 years, nothing like that was ever discussed and whilst I now might be on this half dose for the rest of my life I'm not even sure what I'm giving up to be this way, are there parts of my psyche that I'll never get back, it makes me sad and it makes me wonder.

I don't think anyone will judge me for taking the action that I have taken but if there are one or two naysayers out there I just want to say one thing, in the last 6 months on the half dose I have had the happiest life that I can ever remember, it can't be such a bad thing to want to remain in that state forever.

Update -

It's 10pm and within a couple of hours of taking the medication pretty much all of the medical withdrawal symptoms disappeared, the emotional ones will clear up within a couple of days because I do at least have the medication still in my system.  Harriet hugged me and took me out for dinner and I've spoken with friends and Mr F tonight, all who have reassured me that I haven't failed.  To not try something is to fail, to try something that doesn't work is just a learning curve and this has by far been one of the tougher lessons I've had to experience.

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