That might be a weird and slightly shocking blog title but stay with me, I promise it's not just clickbait.

Here's the thing, I've always loved Christmas, I do love Christmas, I just don't think I like actual Christmas anymore.  You see, there's been a dawning realisation lately, Christmas day was magical when the small ones were small, we'd have Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve and then we'd stay in pyjamas on Christmas Day and the kids would open presents until late on Christmas morning because we did Christmas big, I did Christmas big.  When Paul left 4 years ago, I sort of lost my enthusiasm, with grown up children, one of whom is autistic and doesn't do Christmas at all (he's had all of his presents already this year because he can't handle surprises).  And now, I go out on Christmas Day, a new tradition I'm thankful for, I've been adopted by Harriet's family and in writing this please don't think I appreciate it with every bone in my body but as a family we're never all together now, last year Abigail was with dad and this year, it's Looby's turn.  Both of them will be away doing things for the rest of the Christmas break and I'll spend a lot of it alone and lonely.

I suddenly got sad yesterday because I realised, the Christmas build up is nearly over and that's the thing I love most of all, once Looby's birthday is over on the 25th of September I know I have 3 months, they're the best months, business is busy and I don't have a lot of time to think and assess, I love the twinkling lights appearing in the shops and the traditions of the switch on, the putting together of our Christmas house, the trip to see Santa, the talking about how magical it's going to be but all of a sudden I can also see it ending and I've come to realise, it's not Christmas I love now, it's November and the preparation.  Christmas Day is the crescendo after all and then we just slide into a dark and deeply depressing January.

I'm thankful for my small friendship group who I'll hopefully spend some of the days with and I've told the world that my house is open to whoever would like to join me, it's certainly no lie that I love entertaining and my fridge is bursting with enough food to feed the whole of Heaton, it's seems strange that I still stockpile enough to feed an army and I'm not even home for Christmas Dinner.

Next year I need to make some life changes, I need to fix the loneliness, I need to make plans for my business and the future, however scary that may be and most of all I need to work more at fixing myself, that cavernously empty feeling inside my stomach, my head and my heart, they tell me to be happy and positive to keep helping others as much as I can but they also tell me that something is wrong.

I guess it's true to say that I yearn for the past though I wouldn't go back, I would love a huge family and always thought I would have one by now, for now I guess I'll be happy to know that someone's family loves me and I love them, that I'm open to adopting even more family members and oh, if you're out there Mr six foot elf who loves Christmas more than me, go on, jump on that magical sleigh and find me.

Christmas Open House At Chez Mandy

With just over 2 months until Christmas I wanted to get this yearly blog post up, you see Christmas can be a lonely time if you have no family or if you are too far away from them to celebrate with them and whilst I have open house every Monday on Christmas Day/Boxing Day I throw open my doors to anyone who wants to visit, even if it's just for an hour.

For the last 2 years since being on my own, I've just had the guarantee of the kids for Christmas which is lovely but I also love my friends very much and it's been wonderful when they've joined me throughout the festive season.

This year I've been on a bit of a mission to try to extinguish the loneliness from people's lives as much as possible because loneliness kills people, it's a fact, the times I've felt most unwell in my whole life have been the times when I've felt isolated and lonely and though it's like I'm always present because of social media I do spend a little too much time on my own.

Iain started a job today, his first job, so now I have 5 days a week where it's just me and Holly Bobbins (and the cats) and at weekends Looby goes away to Daddy's/granddad's/riding so for a lot of the time I twiddle my thumbs, I watch a lot of movies and box sets and I spend a lot of time going out so I can avoid spending too long on my own.

At Christmas, I take 2 weeks off and it's really my big holiday but being that it's the time when most people are with their families it's also the time when I, myself, can feel a little alone in the world. I know it won't always be this way but whilst it is I want to put myself out there and see if I can help others who might be in similar situations.

I've already invited a couple of people who don't have immediate family to spend time with or who are working for part of Christmas but you, yes you there, what are you doing at Christmas?  Want to come for food and I will feed you until you are happy as a little round barrel?

There are some conditions - 

1, No Psychopaths, Sociopaths or Serial Killers, I actually don't just give my details out willy nilly you know!

2. Bring alcohol, I always have some in but honestly, I drink a lot less than most of the people I know.

3. Smile, Be Happy, Have Fun, get quite tipsy and sleep in a chair if you want, I live in a creative hovel so bear that in mind that you will have to take me as you find me.

4. Everything stops for The Queens speech, and Doctor Who

5. Don't come if you don't like cats/dogs/kids/mess

6. It would be super helpful if you could tell me if you are coming by the start of November so I can cater for the right amount of people, I usually do a Christmas Dinner and Veggie Christmas Dinner

So not exactly the most strict of conditions but if you remember all of the above then we'll all have a great time, oh and on point number 1, you can't trick us, my friends and I are pretty qualified in the psychology area and we can usually spot weirdo's a mile off!

If you are reading this and think "oh, you know what, that would be lovely" you can email me and I will reply and furnish you with the exact details!

Lets make sure that 2016 is the best Christmas ever and that no one is at home feeling lonely or unloved.

Happy Christmas Adam

You know that Adam came before Eve right?  Yep it's officially Christmas Adam dear reader and tonight will be the night before the night before!

At chez Mandy we are definitely in the Christmas mood and I have a couple of friends popping in today, thankfully after the cleaner comes as my kitchen looks like it's had a volcano go off, either that or malevolent pixies have snuck in during the night to trash the place.

I'm still struggling with feeling festive, our house is so quiet that it just doesn't feel like the usual festive chaos I love so much, I haven't even wrapped any presents yet, Looby has been my wrapper this year and has done just about all of them except her own, I've told her I need to try and actually stay awake tonight when she goes to bed so that I can actually wrap them as tomorrow night she wants to go to Midnight Mass, that's the new tradition we've chosen to start and as the kids are older and it's not so necessary for them to be in bed super early I like the thought of all going to Church for the midnight service instead of the afternoon one and then coming home and opening a present before we all go to bed, this of course will hopefully help with sleeping in, even my dog likes a lie in!

Holly seems to be loving her first Christmas, she's very good at festive posing and also eating the Christmas tree decorations.

I'm so thankful that she came to live with us, it's really helped me focus on happy things as I have to admit I'm finding the whole season of Christmas a tough one this year and I know that some of you who read this are also in similar situations or just situations where you don't feel full of the joys of the festive season.  My offer still stands to anyone on their own or feeling low, just drop me an email and come spend Christmas (or any part of the 2 week holidays) with us, the guest bedroom is only being occupied for one night so we've plenty of room and Waitrose delivered enough groceries to feed a small army so you really won't be imposing!  Don't spend Christmas alone though, that truly would be sad.  I hear somewhere that 5 million britains will spend Christmas alone this year and although I can't promise to find room for 5 million I'm sure we can squeeze in a few extra bodies.

Today is all about friendship, mince pies and mulled wine and with that in mind I better go and actually start making the mince pies, luckily I made the mince meat last week and the pastry is in the fridge, I like to simplify as much as possible at this time of year.

One amazing thing has happened, I've dropped another dress size, that truly is a Christmas miracle, I feel lighter than I have ever been, in fact childhood withstanding I know I am the lightest I have ever been, we'll put that down to flu, dog walking and copious amounts of hot water with lemon, it's very good for the constitution you know!

I hope whatever you do this Christmas Adam you get to do it with the people you love and adore, now go give them a big squishy cuddle or maybe a squeeze under the mistletoe.

Worrying about Christmas...

You'll have to excuse the lateness of my post today, after 3 hours on the beach in sub zero temperatures on Saturday I came down with flu, still went to photo shoots yesterday because I hate letting people down but even I was too ill to do more photo shoots today so after taking Holly for a walk this morning I shan't be going anywhere anytime soon.

This week has a lot of important things going on in it, it's the final date for Christmas orders today, it's always quite an exciting day as the orders usually come in right up to the 10pm deadline, after this it's really all down hill into Christmas, on personal note I just need to make enough money to have the 2 weeks off without worry, since becoming a single parent life has definitely gotten harder in many respects, I just can't be away from the kids like I was previously, I feel every spare second I have I need to be at home with them rather than working, it's brilliant in one sense because I was definitely guilty of being a workaholic but I just wanted them to have everything I could provide, last night as I was sorting through my Christmas cupboard I apologised to Looby for the lack of Christmas presents this year would bring, "Don't worry mammy, Christmas is about the baby Jesus not presents"  I'm not sure where I got that one from but she's amazing, Iain also said I shouldn't worry too much because he understands, I haven't actually had the conversation with Abigail yet!  I could get cross and angry about it all and the position I've been forced to be in but what would be the point, who has time for bitterness, Christmas is a time for forgiveness after all, the girls are actually going to visit their grandparents on the day after boxing day and I'm not looking forward to the fact that Abigail and Looby are now going to dads on the night of Christmas day and won't be back home until the night of the 27th, I just hope I can get those books I want and then I can read myself through the lonely gap which is supposed to contain wall to wall family time.

It's funny, while writing this I'm watching The Wright Stuff and they're talking about how the marketing men shove big family time down our proverbial throats more at Christmas than at any other time of the year, we're constantly bombarded with messages and adverts about all those amazing big family meals we'll have, parties, constant social engagements, though the chances are that there will be days where I might not see another living breathing human, thank goodness then for Holly, she really is a blessing from God.

Don't be lonely this Christmas, come to our house!

Apologies for not blogging yesterday but between work and this sweet little face all of my time is taken up right now.

She's just so blooming adorable and I'm totally in love!

So I was lying half awake this morning worrying about Christmas again, I worry a lot dear reader, my daughters inform me that they will be away from Boxing day until late on the 27th and as Iain is getting new games for his PS4 it's unlikely he'll be coming down stairs very often so there's just a chance that I might be a bit blue, obviously I'll have Holly but it would also be lovely to have some company or have something planned to do and I'm wondering if maybe you're reading this and feeling the same, well my message to you is don't be lonely at Christmas, get in touch and lets do something, even if it's just coming around here and drinking copious amounts of Hestons Mulled Cider.  I'd also like to extend that invitation to Christmas day, if you are going to be on your own, why not get in touch and come here, the more the merrier in my opinion and no one, and I do mean no one should be lonely at Christmas or indeed that whole 2 week holiday period, I literally have no plans for the whole of the 2 week period and I love seeing people, kids, animals so lets do stuff!  Now obviously if you are a serial killer I might not be able to accommodate you but lots of regular readers of this blog I already know so if you're one of them and you might have moments of loneliness during the festive period just get in touch and we'll try to make this Christmas the best one ever.

I'm off to the beach this morning for 4 very chilly photo shoots, I'm thinking there aren't enough thermals in the world for being out there for 2.5 hours today dear reader but someone has to do it and tomorrow I have 6 back to back outdoor photo shoots in Saltwell Park, luckily it's supposed to be a tad warmer tommorrow.  Monday I have another 2 photo shoots and then next weekend I am out on Saturday for my final day of photo shoots and then it's a gradual downhill slide into Christmas, I have my shopping deliveries booked for next week, Christmas and the New Year, quite frankly I have never been quite so organised.

What I want to do now is make enough money to secure the time off without worry, a few more gifts on the wish lists for my children and some of my wish list for me, mainly books which should keep me entertained for the 2 weeks I'm off.  It's funny really, I've always worked on the middle weekend but I found that I just never really relax when I only have a few days off so this week 2 whole weeks and hopefully I will be as relaxed as I was when we went to Gran Canaria.

Whatever you are doing this festive weekend I hope you have the most amazing festive spectacular filled with wonder and magic, send me some warm thoughts!