Every morning I wake up with a kick ass gutsy determination that everything is going to be OK, that I will arise like a phoenix from the flames dear reader, that I will be like a Peacock and I shall shake my tail feathers! So why then by the evening am I searching the Internet for quotes about divorce, loneliness, and survival feeling sad and alone? Yesterday night I actually asked Siri if I would ever find love again, he advised "I can't find it but I can search for it in the app store if you want me to Mandy?"
Is this what my life has become? Asking Siri for life advice or having a mutual howling session with my husky, I worry that when I am old I will die alone and not be found for several days until someone hears the meowing pile of 136 caterwauling cats under which I am buried.
Yesterday I thought I had cracked it, I had seen the clarity I needed to carry on with my life and within days I would be strong, independent and adored. I think the actuality is that I put too high an expectation upon myself, I've always done this, I remember the last time when we got back together, I was just so convinced that we'd cracked it, I thought we would be recovered and that we would be as one forever in love for the rest of eternity.
I suppose also that even when I got married my expectations were too high for I thought that once you met your soul mate and you were happy and married that you would be able to achieve anything in life as long as you had love, I guess that I still believe that part, what I have to realise now is that without love life still goes on, everything still exists whether you are ready to accept it or not and you will have to adjust because otherwise you will remain stuck like a soul in limbo caught between heaven and hell, like Orpheus in the Underworld to go through those seven levels of hell and still end up at exactly the point in which you started alone and without your true love.
I should be happy in my heart that I got to experience true and unending love at least once in my life time and one day I will be. I'm such a positive person and have been for many years but I'm struggling at the moment to try to maintain the positivity every day, I feel like it's been stolen away by a thief in the night and of course it doesn't help that there are no solid answers as to why it all ended up this way.
To those who tune into this blog every day (and thank you, all 800+ of you) I hope that you will not mind my candid view, I feel that it would not be honest if I claimed that life was wonderful, brilliant and super all in one week, recovery is such a slow process but I find comfort in the fact that I can at least laugh at myself and I hope you'll give yourself permission to laugh at my crazy behaviours because they are slightly odd to say the least, I even told Iain that if he saw me trawling the Internet for quotes again he was to punch me!
Happy slightly soggy Saturday everyone, I am off to the beach to do photography in the rain because it's so much better than wallowing in my own lonely thoughts and one more thing, my own quote I came up with many years ago...
Life is like photography, sometimes it's a bit blurry!