There are not many things better in life as a single parent than spending a week with your teenage daughter in the sunshine, I actually can't think of anything better actually, I mean I could have taken them both along but this doesn't work because Looby likes pool, Abigail likes exploring and never the twain shall meet!

I was lucky that I got an absolute bargain with lastminute.com and we payed less than £340 for our hotel, the lovely Isla Del Sol apartments which are quiet, beautiful and set in a residential area, with Can Pastilla being only a couple of miles away from the airport it's a short transfer time, something I was pretty grateful for after travelling as it always makes me tired!

I had been to Mallorca previously but only for 5 hours, that might sound slightly odd but it wasn't an OAP bus trip, it was just the final day of a cruise so I saw a tiny bit of Palma de Mallorca and instantly fell in love, the city of Palma itself actually reminds me of Barcelona in many ways, maybe a touch less busy but still a big bustling and beautiful city, when you get away from the city though, there are miles and miles of beaches, you can walk 15k along gorgeous coastland paths and around small bays of sleepy villages with azure blue clear water from the Mediterranean Sea.

I'd always thought of Mallorca as a beach resort kind of a place but it is so full of cyclists and walkers, particularly at this time of year and there's plenty of things to do, places to see, you can quite happily spend a week there.

It's true we packed a lot in, the little train to Soller, Palma Aquarium, Palma Cathedral,  the caves of Drach, a 12.5-mile walk from Can Pastilla to Palma and back, it really was the most glorious adventure, even on the day when it rained and was so cold I had to wear a jumper, cardigan and an emergency hoodie which cost more euros than I care to admit but I was very much a sitting target and in need, the shop in Soller I noted was doing a roaring trade in umbrellas, ours lasted approximately an hour before being so broken we had to throw it away!!  Mallorca only gets 65 days of rain a year, if you're going soon, don't worry, there are only 64 to go and yes, you're welcome!!

We never really had what you would call a hot day, there was always a pesky breeze although we didn't mind too much and I did come home a much healthier colour than I was a few weeks ago and yes, I used my P20 every day, I am good at sun protection, I wore factor 20 and Abigail wore factor 30, all day every day!

I'd love to go back to Mallorca again, mostly to go to Soller in the sunshine, it was the most beautiful place with an awe-inspiring train and tram journey and I can only imagine what it looks on a glorious sunny day.  I think though with all of the walking we did we definitely went at the right time of year, I can't imagine doing a 12-mile walk in 30-degree heat!

It's Time To Take A Break

I've made it to the end of a particularly brutal week and all I can think of is, where on earth did I possibly go wrong?  Looby is staying with grandad for a week so she can have some space and in her words, so I can "sort out my life." Now I'm not exactly sure which part of my life needs sorting out which surely makes it harder but I think I'm going to try and get away for a few days, I have some Airbnb credit so I should be able to go away for virtually nothing and I'm sure Holly Bobbins could use the break.

I do know that if I have at all lost my sparkle it's only because I'm working so hard and because I'm lonely in my heart but tell me something new, it's always like this, I'm a self-employed writer/photographer single parent trying to juggle approximately 34 things at once and I have terrible coordination.

It's hard being a mama to teenage girls, teenagers can be irrational at the best of times and it's hard to know exactly what they want, I remember trying not to work so much at weekends before but then they both had so much on that I was just sitting on my own.  I don't think there are any answers, the harder I work the less I'm likely to be around and the less I work the more broke we are so I can't support us, it's a rock and a hard place situation and I would never have chosen to be here, single parenting was not something I happily opted into.

The truth is that mums have needs too, I get lonely and I need my friends around, when the girls aren't here I like going out because the house is so empty and being mostly freelance I have to work whenever I'm called to do so.  Whilst not everything I do is monetized currently I know that it won't always be like this, I am on a path to be discovered I guess, one day I hope that my writing will become more mainstream and that the ideas I have will be paid for.  You have to work hard, though, you can't just sit and rest on your laurels.

This is, I think why a break would do me good, somewhere near the beach or in the countryside, a quaint tiny cottage just big enough for Holly and I, we can go for long walkies and in the other times I can be inspired by nature and I can write and write and write some more.

All I want for my kids and I is for everyone to be happy but that has to include me too so now it's time to plan and think and dream and work, and then it's time to come back refreshed and put plans into action, watch out world, I'm coming to get you!

When your teenagers tell you that you're failing them...

Today, I had planned to write about an amazing International Women's Day and an Inspirational conference which excited me, when the main speaker was talking about sexy science, the science of love and dating and Tinder, seriously I was so enthused and inspired and then I arrived home to my disgruntled teenage daughters...

So, the good stuff will have to wait because I need to write about this instead, my teenage daughters are angry, I work too much, I don't get paid enough, I'm not there enough for them, I am not a good enough mum.

I never chose to be a single mum, no one would choose that, it's the hardest situation to be in, I'm a single mum who has bipolar and juggles around 65 different roles currently!  I work a lot of hours because it's the only way that I can support us and I am working to build a career which not only supports us all but also gives us a life where we can have fun things.

I'll admit it's been extra hard of late, the transition from photography to writing is a constant fight and I'm not ashamed to say that I do a lot of work I don't get paid for, I write gig and show reviews which I don't get paid for, I write a weekly column for Huff Post which I don't get paid for, most of the articles I write I get paid very little for unless they're a brand collaboration.  I'm one of the directors of The Inspire Network and I don't get paid for that either but each and every single thing I do gets my name out there, Inspire is about giving back and blogging is and always has been about recording history, telling my story and I know that it will lead somewhere one day, all of the things I do currently are leading me to something great, one day I will have it all.

At the heart of everything I do, I do it to provide a better life for my kids and we do have tough times and dark times, work is always quieter over the winter and even last weekend, after a week of making zero, I spent my last £30 on an advert which thankfully brought in some money so I could pay our bills.  Mental health, business, parenting and life and it's bloody hard and unenviable but the one thing I thought I was doing was being a good mum so to be sat down and lectured about how I'm failing them is almost too much to bear.  Maybe one day when I do my Ted talk, I can tell this story about how I turned it all around and triumphed.

I'm sure they'll get over it when summer comes and we are going away and having days out like we did last year, I'm sure then I'll be able to give them experiences other parents can't because of the work that I do, it hurts now though because I genuinely don't feel like I can do anymore, it's not nice when your 15-year-old says you need to go and get a job, I've got several jobs, things I've been working hard to try to be brilliant at for over a decade, I get that it must be so hard for them to understand when they have no real experience of the real world, I just wish I could make them understand how hard I'm working for all of us.  The funny thing is that Iain gets it, my son understands how hard I try, I wonder if it's because he's a little older that he can see what's happening a lot more clearly?

So right now, I am sad and hurting because it's not nice to feel not good enough and it's especially not nice when it's your own daughters who are saying it, maybe they do have a point, I never profess to be the best mother, I'm never going to get a mum of the year award but I try, I try so damned hard and I can only keep believing that one day we'll reap the rewards of all of the foundations I'm trying to build for us now.

Perth, Parenting and Those Last Bittersweet Days of Childhood.

Today started so early, too early for at least one Charlton anyway, I actually noticed that at 5.30 in the morning I seemed to look better than when I sleep in until eight or nine and wake up with the face of a 98 year old with puffy skin!

We were bound for glory on a Virgin train out of Newcastle, Perth our destination and home for 3 days, we're staying at the Mercure Perth which is a converted mill dating right back to the 12th century, it's more quirky and historic than spangly and new, in fact there's a river which runs not only underneath the hotel but if you go in reception or the bar downstairs you can actually watch the river running straight through the middle of the hotel, I did ask if it ever caused any problems if the water levels rose but apparently not anymore.

The room itself is a bit a mishmash of old and new and more basic than luxury, I did ask about an upgrade but the hotel is full, presumably because of the summer holidays.  We didn't though come to spend our time in the hotel, we came to spend time together, mum and soon to be teen daughter (in 7 weeks).  We came to dander about the park and jump on trampolines, we came to relax and today that's what we've done, I took about 3 photos with my camera and then left it in the hotel, when they say the best camera is the one you have with you at the time they (whoever they are) are right because today was about a few iPhone snaps here and there, more for Looby's sake more than anything else, she tires of mum and her photography, it's hard to understand I guess when you are young and my business life is so entwined with what I do personally that she just thinks it's work all the time.

We had a splendid lunch, 3 courses at Paco's restaurant, including a Xango pronounced Chango and comprised of cheesecake wrapped in tortilla, deep fried and served with vanilla ice-cream, probably several thousand calories but oh my God, delicious!  Looby and I both recommend you go to Paco's if you are visiting Perth.

Our afternoon was spent Pokemon hunting and so was most of our evening, in fact we walked 20k today which sort of slightly deflects the Xango calories, it's just been the best day (barring occasional pre-teen meltdowns) and I truly cherish every moment I spend with my daughters, they're both growing so fast but with every day Looby grows out of childhood a little more, she's growing into a beautiful young woman but I can't pretend I won't miss my baby girl when the magic has been dulled by adulthood.  With your last child you feel that loss as you know your days of parenting the small ones, the ones who depend on you, are coming to an end, Looby will always be my baby whether she's 3, or 13 or 33 but this stage we're at right now seems like such a milestone and it's more noticeable than it was with Abigail who by her own admission was a teenager from being about 4 years old, she's always been the grown up one, the independent one, the one who perpetually plans 10 years in advance, she lamented the other day that she had in her opinion already lived 14 years and an eighth of her life was over, I've never felt nearer to death thinking about that!!  She's a curious one is Abigail!

I saw Looby watching a boy of around the same age today who was playing the bagpipes outside a shop on the high street, she was transfixed, staring and I thought to myself, oh God, she fancies him, she's got hormones, help!

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Why It Sucks to Parent Teenagers

When the kids are young you constantly find yourself wishing they'd be just that little bit older, because whilst you can't effectively communicate with a 2 year old who's got the wrong colour lollipop there's always a chance that when they're older you can have a proper conversation, one where you sit down, discuss the reasons for their being no red lollipops left and then everything ends harmoniously and we all have lashings of Ambrosia creamed rice... And then, the teenage years happen!

When Iain was a teenager I don't remember having too many issues, yes the Aspergers has lead to some interesting times, like the one where I gave him an envelope, told him to buy a stamp and post the letter, he came back without the letter and a stamp, "Well you didn't tell me to put the stamp on the letter before I posted it" he retorted.  Lesson 1, learnt, always think as literally as possibly when you have a child with Aspergers!

The moment that Abigail became a teenager she instantly hated me, it was like there was a secret "I must hate my mum" recipe contained within those scary hormones that turn perfectly delightful people into psychopathic screaming banshees (this is the main reason I no longer have hormones other than the kind that come in small round tablets).  I remember once turning up at school to pick up Abigail with her dad, she got in the car, saw me and asked in a very cutting voice "What's she doing here?"  That wasn't even the worst of it, for about a year I'm not even sure she said anything other than insults other than the days when the hormones would subside and she would tell me she was sorry, it was just hormones and she loved me really.  I lived for the breaks in the moods, she's 14 now and she loves me, she is still blunt enough to look at my face and describe everything that's wrong with it but she's also kind, polite, says the most wonderful things about me and spending time with her is a complete joy!

So we come on to child number 3, Laura or Looby as I like to call her or Jereld as she likes to refer to herself, Looby is 12 and a half, 13 in September and the hormones have swept in taking away my delight of a daughter, my funny onion, my child who expresses her love for me the most.  She's been replaced by what I can only describe as a moody, screaming, door slamming, angry, often monosyllabic (unless she's talking about horses and riding) demon who just disagrees with everything I say.  I can't remember one conversation lately which didn't end up in a fight or in her slamming my bedroom door so hard (it's never hers) that she knocks all the canvases on the staircase off the wall.  I remind myself that this too shall pass, I have to remind myself often as it's increasingly hard to deal with and being a single parent means she's in that phase where daddy is amazing, she wants to be there where she can do whatever she wants because I'm a bad mother, a working mother who works too hard and never does anything fun or spends enough time with her, this would seem to be this weeks fight and I've tried to remind her that I'm only cramming work in this week so I can spend time with her next week after she has her 3rd round of surgery on Monday!  Just like Abigail before her though there are times when the hormones subside and she'll hug me and tell me she loves me and say she's sorry, it's not her, it's just hormones, she hates hormones!

I've felt for a long time now that girls are easier to photograph but boys are much easier to parent and for once it's definitely oestrogen that wholly gets the blame for this life stage!  If you're reading this and nodding along because you too have teenagers you wrangle with on a daily basis then you have my sympathy, if however you have cute little people who occasionally flail around and scream because teddy isn't smiling the way he usually does then I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but it's just going to get worse before it gets better!