Thurso is cold, 13c cold, Britains most northerly town feels like it's closer to the arctic and indeed Scotland's most northerly islands are actually closer to the arctic than they are to London. I'm not a big fan of the cold so to feel the brisk wind and the autumnal chill in the air did not please me greatly.  Mainly I've brought with me T-Shirts so I may have to purchase another jumper.  I also smelled those first outdoor autumnal scents,possibly a testament to the most northerly situation of Thurso and also the fact that we enter into September next week.

Last night I wrote about the differences in Coronavirus polices when travelling in England and Scotland, well, I have an addendum from the far north.  I'm staying at Thurso House, a cosy bed and breakfast near the beach in Thurso, it's the most expensive room of my trip at £70 per night but breakfast isn't available at all due to Covid and when you check out you have to strip your bed and put it along with the towels in a bin bag which you then tie up!

I did meet the owners earlier and they're lovely and also super helpful.  No information in the room that I could see but I did find a map and they'd kindly had the bus timetables printed out for me as they're all irregular due to COVID.  I really thought all of the variants in policies were down to staying in a different country but now I have no idea as it seems to vary from place to place.  It's great that each place wants to keep us safe I just wish there was a standard set of guidelines so you knew what to expect when travelling.

The Far North Line

This mornings journey to get to Thurso from Inverness was everything I had imagined and more.  The station at Brora was one highlight as the train goes down the main street right in front of people's front doors on it's way into the Highland village station.  Altnabreac station was literally in the middle of nowhere, I couldn't see a single house, just barren heather covered hillsides. Apparently when you travel on the far north line you can see lots of wildlife like stags and seals but I think they may all have been hiding today.

If you haven't done the rail journey between Inverness and Thurso, I really recommend taking the day to do it, yes it takes 4 hours but it's incredible.  You're so close to the coast you can almost dip your toes in the water and at points you're so high and remote you wonder why they decided to put some of the stations in place.  The train was not busy but there were other passengers, with only 4 journeys a day there seemed to be more locals than tourists on the train and arriving in Thurso there were maybe 20 people getting off the train.

Thurso, Britain's most northerly town

If you're expecting a large sprawling metropolis when you get to Thurso you'd be mistaken, it may be Britain's most northerly town but it's much more like a large English village.  It feels like stepping back in town, i'm not sure if it's much quieter than usual but arriving on a Wednesday afternoon to businesses which were closed for a half day felt very like staying with my granny in the 1980's.  That's not necessarily a bad thing of course, I came for a gentle pace of life and that's what I got.  I did a lovely riverside walk that took around an hour and then I added on a trip to the ruins of Thurso castle, accessible by walking through an inauspicious industrial estate but worth the walk.

Thurso feels remote, you stand at the end of the harbour looking out to the nearby Orkney Islands and you feel like you're standing at the end of the earth and in a way you are, you know all those lumpy bumpy bits that stick out on the map of the British Isles, well if you come to Thurso you can say you stood on them, this is literally where the map runs out and any further you'll be swimming in the cold clear waters of the Pentland Firth.

Tomorrow I plan to get the bus to Wick, To John O Groats and I'm going to walk from John O Groats to the lighthouse at Duncansby Head, the northeasterly point of mainland Britain, I hope to feel like I'm standing on the edge of the world.

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Scotland by Rail, part 2 - Inverness is quiet!

Inverness is quiet! Sleepier than I can ever remember, a lot of the Scottish gift shops are closed, the Citybus tour isn't running, the bars and restaurants are half empty even though the governments "Eat out to help out" scheme is currently running.  If there's one good thing for me it's that Inverness feels safe and empty but this cannot be good for the city which relies so much on tourism during the summer months.  

The differences between Scottish and English Coronavirus Procedures with regards to travel

There are subtle differences between England and Scotland in their post-lockdown Coronavirus procedures.  For instance, when I stayed in the Lake District throws and cushions were not allowed on the beds, the buffet breakfast was gone and all of the information leaflets were removed from the hotel rooms.  Not so in Scotland, I have cushions, I have a throw, I have copious amounts of touristic brochures...

What I did find weird was that I went to the Visit Scotland shop this morning to buy a book of local walks and they were only giving out free information and not selling anything, when I was in the Lakes, you could buy a book of walks but all of the leaflets were cleared away.  Someone needs to decide which way is the right way.  I did end up getting the books that I wanted from the local Waterstones and I have earmarked several walks for when I'm back in town at the weekend, I'm really hoping the weather picks up too as I want to go on a  boat trip to spot dolphins in the Moray Firth.

I had been hoping to do the City sightseeing tour as it's a good way to while away an hour and you can hop on and hop off but I think they've probably just decided it's not worth it given the lack of tourists. Maybe this will change over the weekend, I had issues finding somewhere with 5 nights availability and currently, I'm due to stay somewhere way out of the centre, I am trying to change it now I know where it is but it's down to lastminute.com whether they have the kindness in their hearts to let me change it to a closer, safer hotel.

Today has been a good day, I love the Ardentorrie Guest House in Inverness where I currently am, I would have come back here again if they'd had availability as it's lovely and the view from my window is beautiful, even if it's raining currently.

When I said I was coming to push myself, I really meant it, today I've walked ten and a half miles. This morning I went down to the Ness Islands, The Botanic Gardens and all through the city centre and it was lovely.  I sat on the edge of one of the islands just listening to the waters of the River Ness as they babbled and bubbled over the rocks.  

The Botanic Gardens was also delightful, it's free entry, they have a safe one-way system and it was so quiet I couldn't feel anything but safe, plus I was amongst the glorious flowers.  The only part of the gardens still to open is the tropical house and well that just makes sense when you think of the conditions in tropical greenhouses. I last visited the gardens in 2014 and they're still just as beautiful today.

I also went to a pub for a late lunch/early dinner,  now this is massive for me, I would never usually go to a pub on my own, I have way too much anxiety but because of the quietness, I thought I would give it a go so I drank Gin on my own in a pub with lunch, possibly for the first time ever.  I'm so proud of myself!

Getting ready for the Far North Line

Tomorrow I leave for Thurso on the Far North Line, my journey may only be taking me another 81 miles but it's a 3 hour and 43-minute journey on this line, crazy when you think about it but it does go through some pretty remote places, if I remember my trivia right, I think there's a stop which only gets used by about 180 passengers a year!!  The train travels along the coast and in some places, there's just one single-track line, to me this is fascinating. Indeed one stop is just for a castle so it only gets used in the summer, it's really things like this which make me so enthusiastic to be finally travelling it and yes, you can bet,  I am going to tell you all about it.

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The Great Scottish Adventure, Scotland by Rail - Part 1

Around a month ago I travelled the Lake District by public transport and on Monday I set off to the do the same thing in Scotland, it's a journey that will take me more than 260 miles (as the crow flies) or 416 miles (driving distance) to the town of Thurso on the far north coast of Scotland. The great Scottish adventure is something I've always wanted to do, I've been to Inverness twice and every time I get off the train there I wonder just what it's like on the Far North Line.  Although I've yearned to do it for years, I've never had the time or flexibility in my schedule, 13 years of wedding photography doesn't leave a lot of time for anything else but as we all know, 2020 is a very different kind of animal.

Running Philomena's Boutique has given me a much more flexible schedule and with the girls, both grown up I'm no longer needed to be around, even Holly Bobbins has other plans and she's off to the Lake District with my friend Robyn and her family, I've mentioned previously she's a very special dog.  

The Schedule

I'm actually still at the planning stages (and yes, I know, I leave on Monday) but this is the plan so far and I'm going to include the costs, I'm really good at planning travel and often end up with absolute bargain rail fares and hotels - 

Monday - Newcastle to Edinburgh - £13

                 Edinburgh to Inverness - £25 first class

Mon-Wed a guest house stay in Inverness with breakfast included £94 at the Ardentorrie Guest House ( I booked through Booking.com and saved £30 by paying in advance at their genius rate for frequent travellers).  I always check the hotel or B&B's websites before I book as sometimes you can save a few pounds by booking direct and sometimes it's cheaper to go through a hotel booking site, it just depends so do shop around and if you can do it in an incognito window (one which doesn't save cookies) you are more likely to get bargains

Wednesday - Train to Thurso - £35 return ticket, you can do it for £26.40 but the weekend trains were bus replacements so I decided to just stay until Friday.

Wed-Friday - guest house stay - Thurso House, a guest house which you literally open the front door and you're on the beach - £140 (Thurso and Wick were both expensive for accommodation because they're small and it's the summer holidays, in winter you could knock around £20 a night off that price)

Friday - Wednesday - Staying at the Craigmonie Hotel in Inverness so I can base myself there but also explore the whole of the Highlands - £260 including a full Scottish breakfast

Wednesday - Inverness to Newcastle - £45.50

So I make that £612 for a 9-night trip which is cheaper by far than going overseas and the biggest solo adventure I've ever done in my whole life.

Now I should also point out that me, travelling alone is cheap, I can access single rooms, I rarely eat out in the evenings and I take my own bamboo cutlery and just pick up salads and snacks from the supermarkets.  When I was in the Lakes, I rarely even ate lunch and walking is cheap, you can see the most amazing things on big walks and it costs next to nothing.

If you are young you can cut down on costs further with a railcard if you're a student or if you have kids, or even if you're over 50 in some cases, Scotland has a railcard for the over 50's (4 years and counting...).  If you wanted to travel at real bargain prices, you could even stay in a hostel but for me, I'm 46, I'm travelling on my own and I do have chronic anxiety so it's one step too far.  There are also options for bus tickets like in the Lake District but I haven't decided if I'll need one, probably at least one of the days as I want to go to John o Groats although the town of Thurso is actually farther north, it's just that John o Groats gets all of the credit and that's where the "end to enders" start, I should say now, I neither have the time or the fitness to walk from John o Groats to Lands End, I know I like a challenge but...

Whilst some things are the same as the Lake District this time, there's one big difference and that is, I'm taking you all along with me.  I'll be writing each and every day about my adventures, I didn't take my Macbook away when I went to the lakes but I want to write on the go.  When I try and write things afterwards, I get bored, I'm the first to admit that by the time I get back, I'm already planning my next adventure, always keep moving forward I guess.  I also just write better in the moment and so you will be able to follow my adventures on here and also on Instagram where I'll be using Instagram stories as I go about my daily walks and wanders.

I haven't decided when I am coming home yet but I do have a small commitment on the 6th September so I know I have to be back before that, in all probability I'll take 7-10 days and I have some Airbnb  (if you sign up to Airbnb via that link we'll both get £16 off our next journeys) credit to use for the final leg if I don't want to stay in a B&B.

Money-Saving Tips for Travel

* Don't just have the train companies app you're travelling with, sometimes you can find hidden bargains on the Trainline app

* Before you book on Booking.com also check the hotel website in case they can offer a better price, companies pay a lot to be listed on Airbnb etc so sometimes the best prices are going direct but also sometimes it's the exact opposite as sometimes the various aggregator sites have hidden discounts too

* Use Honey, Quidco or similar so you can also get cashback on your purchase, these little things all add up.

* If you are travelling slow, also check the local bus routes as they can work out so much cheaper than the train and Scotland is so beautiful you'd have so much thinking time as you amble through the countryside passed lochs and mountains.

Because I'm going next week, if I do eat out during the day I will definitely be taking advantage of the governments Eat Out to Help Out scheme which is also available in Scotland, if you're just having a sandwich, soup and cake it's pretty easy to bag yourself a lunch for around a fiver.  There are also lots of ways to save on attractions, sometimes regional guides in tourist information shops have vouchers for cheaper tickets.  I'm generally just going to do lots of walking and the best thing about that, it's free, also in Scotland, there is the right to roam which opens up all kinds of possibilities.  Generally, I just stick to well-known routes though as I may be a seasoned traveller but I also have chronic anxiety.

Whatever next week brings I will be writing about it every day, and each day I make it to places I've never been is another virtual kick in the teeth for anxiety, it doesn't matter what happens in life as long as we keep moving forward and that is exactly what I plan to do.

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How to Holiday in the Lake District using Public Transport

A few weeks ago I went to the Lake District, my first solo trip there and being a non-driver I'm reliant on public transport.  To be honest, I'd always thought you had to have a car to get around the lake district but no, it's totally possible to holiday in the Lake District using public transport and I'm going to tell you how.

Now I must add that when I was there, even though it was July, the buses were still using the winter timetables due to the COVID pandemic so had I have gone a week later I would have had even better options and routes and on a much more regular basis than once an hour.

I started my week away by travelling from Newcastle to Penrith by train on the Northern Rail line, it costs just over £30 for a ticket, takes around 3 hours allowing for connections as you have to change at trains at Carlisle and then Penrith is just one stop.

I feel I must point out that I arrived in Penrith early on a Sunday and the town was shut, there was literally nowhere open and even when we're not mid-pandemic it seems like the Cumbrian town of Penrith really doesn't have a lot going on, especially on a Sunday but in saying that it's a great place to locate yourself if you're looking to explore the northern part of the Lake District.

The number 508 bus goes from the Penrith bus station if you want to visit Ullswater, the northernmost lake in the Lake District, I'd chosen to walk to Aira Force, one of the most beautiful waterfalls in the UK, owned and managed by the National Trust, the 508 bus stop is just at the entrance and passes by at least once an hour depending on the time of year.  The waterfall is very popular and can get busy but there is a one-way system in place to help with social distancing.  I'm not going to pretend it's an easy walk up if you, like me, are chunkier than a KitKat Chunky but it's well worth the time to climb right to the top and you'll feel like an elite athlete all day afterwards, you'll even be able to have cake guilt-free!

After I'd climbed Aira Force I was going to get the bus to Glenridding but instead, I decided to walk the 2.5km along the beautiful Ullswater Way, walking along an official walk makes you feel like you've gone semi-professional and it's an easy, well-signposted route you cannot get lost on so perfect if you're just starting out as a hiking enthusiast.  Glenridding is a beautiful little village which looks like a ski-resort and it's from here you can get the Ullswater Steamers to the other edge of the lake where the village of Pooley Bridge lies.  Currently, due to the pandemic, you have to book the day before online and, quite interestingly even if you're a single person you have to pay for 2 adults because of the seating restrictions.  This was a no-brainer to give it a miss this time, I'd already done the same journey in the past with Holly Bobbins and Harriet so it was no loss to give it a miss on this occasion.  If however you're in a couple or a family and you've not done it before then go for it, I really recommend it, it's a beautiful boat ride.

One of my top money-saving tips is that you download the Stagecoach app before you go to the lakes and then look for the Northwest Explorer ticket, a 7-day ticket is going to cost you £30 and it means you have unlimited travel for 7 days all over the northwest and beyond, it even extends down to buses to Chester and up on buses to Newcastle, it's a massive money saver and it's the only ticket you'll need to get around.

Later in the week on my travels, I relocated to a B&B down in Keswick, I got the X5 which takes around 44 minutes and it's a lovely scenic route as most bus routes are in the lakes, it certainly makes a difference to travelling around the city at home, the bus runs once an hour during winter and every half hour during the summer.

Despite Keswick not having its own train station it's one of the best places you can locate yourself when holidaying in the lake district using public transport.  Everywhere is just so convenient whether you're walking, getting the bus or even taking the boat from one side of Derwentwater to the other, I love Keswick, its a town full of dogs, it's got the prettiest gift boutiques (perfect research for Philomena's Boutique) and it's one of the friendliest towns you could ever hope to visit with so many places to eat and drink. 

The best bus route I found was the 555 bus which runs from Keswick to Lancaster stopping at some of the most scenic places in the whole of the Lake District, often the stops might look like deserted places in the middle of nowhere but that's because they're usually on popular walking routes.  There was a day when I got off the bus at Grasmere and decided to just walk to the next place, I felt safe because I knew there was always a bus which could get me back again and on that day I ended up walking to White Moss where I then connected with a walking route around Grasmere Lake back to Grasmere Village which is, of course, famous for Grasmere Gingerbread made to Sarah Nelson's famous recipe and the only place in the world where it's made and sold although if you can't get there right now, you'll be delighted to know that they do have an online shop (you can send me some to thank me).

One of the loveliest places in the lake district for me has to be the scenic town of Ambleside, home to Stock Ghyll Force, another waterfall I accidentally climbed when I got off the bus and just happened to see a sign saying "Waterfalls, this way" I famously accidentally walk up big hills all the time, I hate it too but whenever I reach the top, it's always worth it, even with lashing winds and rains are in my face!

if you get off the bus at Grasmere you can swap to the open-topped 599 bus which takes you all the way down to Bowness on Windermere. If you go there, beware, it gets incredibly busy but do check out the Christmas in Lakes shop, well only if you love Christmas because it's Christmas there all year round, on the day I was there,  the sun was blazing, it was a heatwave and it felt like an out of body experience or like watching a Californian Christmas movie, I'd go there again tomorrow though!! 

In my week on my solo trip to Penrith and Keswick I never once ran out of things to do, there were buses I couldn't get because of the pandemic affecting the timetables and though I didn't have Holly Bobbins with me, if I went back I would love to take her because it's just so dog friendly.  The lakes are so good for clearing your mind, I walked so many miles and I forgave myself for my mistakes as well as eventually coming to terms with the fact that the pandemic and lockdown changed my life, we all know now however that what happened to me, actually, it was for the best because I love running an e-commerce gift boutique with all of my heart, it's diverse, sustainable and totally lush!

if you're feeling bunged up or life is getting you down but you've always thought you could never visit the lakes because you didn't drive, I hope I've proven that not only is it possible but it's also an amazing solo adventure to have for your mind and your body, just don't eat all of the gingerbread!

Spiralling, ASD and Me!

I felt compelled to sit down and write this from my heart, it's been a difficult week in a turbulent month, in an impossible year.  I like constant, predictable, I love organised fun!  Call me Autistic, call me ASD or if you don't know me, you'd probably call me uptight.  (I'm actually fairly laid back and liberal for an uptight person).

I think I may have mentioned in my last blog post that I can't cope with stress, or maybe I just thought it, either way, I was speaking to the mental health practitioner at my doctors because I've spiralled a lot this year after getting my life back to a constant again.

Spiralling or shutting down is quite common in lots of people who might have different types of brains, in some people, with the stress they will shut down completely, in some children they will shut down so much it's like they're catatonic, the brain overloads itself and crashes like an overloaded computer.  In some people, like me, the opposite happens, I literally spiral into an overwhelming depression which can lead to screaming, crying, shouting, shaking, panic attacks, suffice to say it's not a whole load of fun.

What I want most from life is to be like other average people, to be a good mum, a good friend, to be someone who can calmly deal with situations when the chips are down but as I get older, more self-reflecting and as I reach out for help from other wiser people experienced in autism and mental health I'm starting to realise, there is no cure for the spiral, there are a million coping methods but just as not breathing properly is a sign of asthma, the spiral is a symptom of my different brain and it's probable that it will never change because it's part of who I am.

The biggest coping strategy I have is to not get stressed so, for instance, I only listen to happy music, watch happy, joyous things (don't get me wrong, I love a good crime drama) but in real life, I try where I can to avoid difficult subjects and difficult circumstances and it's not because I don't feel anything, it's because I feel too much. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I cry at brass bands, tv adverts, stories about animals, I sometimes struggle with just feeling the emotion of the whole world.  Or I feel the emotion and stress in friends and then because of the ASD I catastrophise which makes me believe it's me, it's all my fault and I'm a terrible human being.

I wish, right now, that it wasn't the way that it is, I really would give everything and anything to be a normal mum and a normal friend, it's heartbreaking because as much as I perpetually do try to grow as a person part of me still can't accept that I will never be the mum my children need or someone who it's easy to be friends with.

Despite all of this, I do have a heart full of love and no one is more loyal to friends than me, no one wants to be a better mum more than me and no one wants to be able to give and receive love as normally as I do.

I've decided to completely rule out even thinking about dating until I have fully worked on myself, I could never have a relationship with anyone until I come to terms with who I am, it's not fair to them or me and I'm quite prepared to stay single for the rest of my life if I have to rather than to try and manufacture things that aren't there.

In a world where no one is perfect, why do I feel so imperfect?

How to look after your rented garden

If you’re lucky enough to rent a home with an outdoor space - be that a modest balcony, a small paved area or more - it’s important to take good care of it. It can be difficult to put your heart into a space that technically isn’t yours but when you rent, you need to remember that you’re still paying for a property to be your home. Why not treat it like one?

I can’t speak for everybody, but you wouldn’t let your kitchen become impossibly untidy and covered in grime… So why let that happen to your garden? 

What are the tenants' responsibilities for a garden?

There can often be a little confusion amongst tenants on what within their rented garden is their problem, and what is their landlords. Whether you’re a keen gardener or you really can’t be bothered, you’ll want to know the ground rules and where the boundaries lie.

In simple terms, as a tenant, it is your responsibility to keep your garden looking as lovely as your home. That could be simply keeping the paving swept and free of weeds and mowing the lawn, or lovingly tending to beds of plants - as long as it’s not a total bomb site then you’re doing your job. Your landlord is responsible for anything where there is a level of expertise required such as pruning tall trees, maintaining a pond or if you come across an issue that’s not your fault, such as a rotting fence. 

Your landlord may even choose to hire a gardener to save themselves the headache of trusting their tenants to look after a garden. This usually comes with a slightly higher monthly rent, but it does mean you’ll always have a lovely garden to enjoy in return.

In most cases, however, the tenant is responsible for maintaining an outdoor space to at least an acceptable standard. Your landlord will have to allow for fair wear and tear but if supplied plant pots, furniture or garden gates get damaged then they will be able to deduct money for the repairs from your deposit - just as they would for anything inside the home. A good landlord will have the right landlord insurance in place in case of garden damages or neglect but it’ll be you that loses out. It’s all about respect and looking after the space as you should.

Why look after your garden?

If you’re not naturally green-fingered, then that’s ok. There’s plenty of ways that you can keep gardening low maintenance and easy but you’ll be surprised at how much you can get out of being in the garden. I think the coronavirus lockdown has taught us all that, right? Being outdoors is so important for our mental health - especially if you live in the city so in many ways, creating the right city garden is more important than a leafy suburban one. It creates a space for you to unwind, for local wildlife to thrive and improves the quality of your air.

So, what can I do to improve my city garden?

With that in mind, there’s so many tricks and hacks that you can implement in your city garden, whatever the size. For instance, encourage birds into your garden with feeders, birdhouses and baths. There’s not a lot that’s more relaxing than hearing the birds singing and even more so if you can see them fluttering about your garden. 

A garden should be a relaxing space where you can go to unwind at the end of the day. Could you invest in a water feature? Water features have been proven to reduce blood pressure and stress levels to improve your physical and mental health - something we could all do with at the moment, let alone those of us living in fast-paced cities. It gives your garden a sense of calm and tranquillity. They’re particularly suitable for gardens in busy, built-up areas as the right style of water feature (something with a bit more power such as a water blade) will help to mask any traffic and outside noise. It’s also so much easier than you’d think to have a water feature installed as you can power them through your mains, solar power or by a battery.

One of the most important aspects of having a garden is making it an extension of your home. You want it to be somewhere that you can sit and enjoy a book or your morning coffee, or somewhere you can eat dinner with friends. That’s why a living space is so important. Find a spot to add in some garden furniture. There’s so much out there so whatever space you’re working with, you’re bound to find something that’s perfect. If you don’t have much of a paved space, deck chairs and egg chairs work well. If you have a balcony, fold-out furniture that you can tuck away when it’s not being used is the perfect option.

Never underestimate the importance of a garden. When you’re renting, it’s you who will lose out if you neglect it and it turns into a jungle. Gardening doesn’t have to be time-consuming but if you dedicate a little effort into keeping your outdoor space nice, you’ll reap the rewards.

Why I'm coming out of the lockdown as a completely different person

Before we went into the lockdown and Coronavirus changed everything I was pretty sure of who I was, my self-identity is a really important thing to me and after all for the last 13 years, ever since I started Mandy Charlton Photography I've known myself inside and out as a photographer, I lived, breathed, ate photography until this year of course due to Coronavirus I've not worked as a photographer since early March and I won't return until September 19th when I have a wedding which looks like it will definitely go ahead. 

When the lockdown first happened, I did what most people did, I got tipsy, I cried and then I had a massive meltdown when it felt like my whole life/business/family/friendships were collapsing around me.  Don't get me wrong I like my own space but I operate best when I have people around me and all of a sudden I was completely alone in the world and I did not like it one bit.

I learnt over the first 9 weeks that I could actually spend life alone, I didn't want to but I can be good company to myself if needed.  I think loneliness is actually like illness and it's something I've dealt with for years no matter how many friends I've had.  Call it ASD to give it a medical name or call it being a unicorn, it's always meant that pretty much, I am different, I don't feel things the way other people do and I don't process the world in the same way either.  I find it especially hard when people don't see the world in the same way as me because it's impossible to describe, it's like being a Narwhal in a sea of whales if that makes it clearer?

Coming out of the lockdown has forever changed me, physically, mentally, emotionally, philosophically... I went into one side as a photographer and came out the other door being the owner of a gift boutique which I wouldn't even have thought about starting four months ago.  My gift boutique, Philomena's Boutique continues to show early signs that it will be a success and it will thrive in the future.  It will be a long time before it makes workable profits because of the constant reinvestments into stock but I am looking at a plan to help me scale up quickly so that it provides a viable income so that when I run it alongside my photography business I can make an actual income again one day.

Right now I am questioning everything I ever knew, why don't people understand me, why do I make such a mess of understanding other people.  Why is the world the way that it is and when is it all going to feel safe and comfortable again?

I have a feeling there's not just me that is struggling massively with my identity at the moment. When the world changes so abruptly it's almost a certainty that our reaction to that will be to change ourselves to deal and cope with it all.  I feel like I've missed so much of life but at the same time, trying to return to the norm is fraught with fear and other problems and I'm questioning myself constantly and overthinking every damn thing so if you're feeling the same way then know that you are heard.

One of the biggest things is with this enormous paradigm shift I question just where we'll all be in another 6 months, these first 6 months have felt like an entire century, an epoch all of its own so what if tumultuous things keep happening, what if I end up having to spend another 3 months locked away on my own?  I always try to live like something is amazing is about to happen which is perhaps why the last 6 months have knocked me so hard.  I have learnt one fact though, the way I love my friends and family is different to anyone else and it's almost a certainty that I will never find anyone to love me in the way that I love them and that is the hardest lesson I'll ever have to learn.