Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places. Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger. Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Sunday, December 31, 2017

How I'm learning to be myself again.

Sunset skies over heaton by Mandy Charlton, how I'm learning to be myself, mandy charlton photographer, writer, blogger



So here we are, just about to close the book on the old year, near enough to touch the new one, just one day until we get a brand new chance to start again, a blank page without mistakes, without regrets, we get to start 2018 clean and new.

I happened to read my blog post from this time last year and it was so full of hope and promise, I thought that I had cracked it, I'd figured it out, I'd moved on. It's easy to go back and see with hindsight that I was heading for a crash, my bipolar high had lasted for several months, some of it was good, it helped me work, it provided me with the tools I needed to constantly create and it helped me to live in a fairy tale rose-tinted glow where everyone lives happily ever after.

After the crash, I stopped pretending to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be and I learned just to be myself.  I learned that people loved me more for that and those that didn't fell by the wayside. That was okay too because if you don't like someone, it's very much your problem, not theirs, they are merely being the person they are meant to be, but of course, this doesn't extend to people who are just plain bad, that's not your problem, it's most definitely theirs.

So this year, I'm ending the year pretty sanely even by my own standards, I'm scarily well balanced and today I bought new kitchen knives, last year I would have bought a rocket to the moon, Christmas was a calm and relaxed affair instead of one long massive overspend. We're hours from January and I'm not worried about a quiet business month if it happens, I am stable and clear-headed, my meds along with vitamin D, Magnesium and a lightbox are working in synergy.  The only sadness is that my creativity is slightly dulled, the price you pay for sanity I guess.

Each year I choose a focus word, last year it was joy and you know what, I did receive joy and I gave joy, all of the magnificent voyages I took with my children and friends are a testament to that.  2018 though, I want to focus on something deeper, my focus word for 2018 is balance. I just want to find that natural balance in life, in as much as I love being a hermit, I should probably try to get out a little more and that's why I am going out tonight despite many days of protesting with my own thoughts, if I don't ever go out, well life in some parts will pass me by.  Now I'm not about to become Newcastle's next over forties party girl but I guess I'd like to go out to dinner every once in a while and I mean good dinners in lovely places where you get to wear sparkly dresses, don't worry though, I'm not going to dive back into dating, I'm happy as I am, my heart was lost long ago to one man and that's the way it will always be.  Being single though, it comes with such freedom, not having to make compromises and getting the whole bed to myself (well minus the beagle and cat space) I never have to worry about the fact that I don't sleep so well or that I toss and turn for hours each night, I can unapologetically be a bad sleeper.  I know I don't need anyone but myself and I know that I have wonderful friends I can go to dinner with if I want to, I can have as many adventures as I desire without ever feeling the need to be with anyone but myself.

So, 2018, I don't quite know what you have got in store for me and I'm always hopeful that you'll bring good things, in my heart I would love the chance to have someone who really loved me again because let's not pretend that love isn't a magical wonderful thing which makes you feel complete but for now, I'm content and i'm ready, 2018, I'm coming to get you
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