Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places, Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger, Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Why I still cry over my lost love...



when the sun sets on a relationship, what to do after divorce, why I still cry over my lost love, Mandy Charlton, photographer, writer, blogger

What the hell just happened?  I was sitting at my desk quite happily, talking online with another fabulous lady about how happy I am in my life, how great being single is and how I wouldn't change it for the world when "I won't last a day without you" by The Carpenters plays and it makes me cry because it reminds me of my lost love, my soulmate who completed me.  I don't even know what it was about that song, I mean I love the song, I love The Carpenters but it doesn't really have any relevance to my former marriage/relationship.

It's been so long since I cried over Paul, I mean I'm in such a good place ordinarily, I've come full circle to being able to talk to people about how much I loved him, how much he truly was my soulmate and how at times we had movie love and that is one of the reasons I don't mind living a single life.  I genuinely don't believe that you find that in your life multiple times. 

Maybe I'm just cross and sad because I've had my turn at true love so early in my life and yet I'm still so young, the next 60 years probably are too long to spend on my own.

Life is funny like that isn't it, you think you are doing fine and then something, a sound, a fragrance, a memory has you transported back in time and suddenly you find you have salty tears running down your cheeks.

I guess the sad thing about Paul and I is that as far as I'm aware he still hates me so we don't speak at all and that's sad because we lost that friendship and we have children together, it's an easy existence I suppose because we have teenagers, so we have no need to see each other or even communicate but I do wish that sometimes we could at least chat!

I wonder if things will always be this way, with me embracing my singledom and merrily going along with sudden moments of abject loneliness?  Even the temporary ones which last from seconds literally seem to break my heart into pieces and it's often that they take me by complete surprise.  The heart it seems is such a curious thing, it's not that I ever want to forget some of the memories we made together and it's not like we should still be together because at the end we were hurting and killing each other, our children have flourished since we parted and that for me is everything, sometimes the happiness of your children is even more important than hanging on to a love which is for all intents and purposes no longer there.

My life now is better and better with every day that passes, it's been a long time coming but I've never been quite so organised in life and business as I am now, I feel for the first time that I have my shit together which is a little scary in itself, does this mean I am a grown up?  Do you know I actually bought a table and chairs on Friday?  I'd been admiring it in the window of Fenwick's for weeks and then I saw they were having a furniture clearance and there were my table and chairs I'd lusted after, half price too so I made the man take my money and I'm eagerly awaiting its arrival on Friday.  Now I should tell you that this is such a big thing, this is the first brand new table and chairs I've ever bought, it's white, scandi style and has the most fabulous chairs!  yep, I did it again, I got excited about a table!  Heaven help me, I think I might be a grown up!

And on that bombshell (Thanks, Jeremy) I'll slope off and think more about new furniture and less about old relationships.  Have a great week everyone!
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