I've made it to the end of a particularly brutal week and all I can think of is, where on earth did I possibly go wrong? Looby is staying with grandad for a week so she can have some space and in her words, so I can "sort out my life." Now I'm not exactly sure which part of my life needs sorting out which surely makes it harder but I think I'm going to try and get away for a few days, I have some Airbnb credit so I should be able to go away for virtually nothing and I'm sure Holly Bobbins could use the break.
I do know that if I have at all lost my sparkle it's only because I'm working so hard and because I'm lonely in my heart but tell me something new, it's always like this, I'm a self-employed writer/photographer single parent trying to juggle approximately 34 things at once and I have terrible coordination.
It's hard being a mama to teenage girls, teenagers can be irrational at the best of times and it's hard to know exactly what they want, I remember trying not to work so much at weekends before but then they both had so much on that I was just sitting on my own. I don't think there are any answers, the harder I work the less I'm likely to be around and the less I work the more broke we are so I can't support us, it's a rock and a hard place situation and I would never have chosen to be here, single parenting was not something I happily opted into.
The truth is that mums have needs too, I get lonely and I need my friends around, when the girls aren't here I like going out because the house is so empty and being mostly freelance I have to work whenever I'm called to do so. Whilst not everything I do is monetized currently I know that it won't always be like this, I am on a path to be discovered I guess, one day I hope that my writing will become more mainstream and that the ideas I have will be paid for. You have to work hard, though, you can't just sit and rest on your laurels.
This is, I think why a break would do me good, somewhere near the beach or in the countryside, a quaint tiny cottage just big enough for Holly and I, we can go for long walkies and in the other times I can be inspired by nature and I can write and write and write some more.
All I want for my kids and I is for everyone to be happy but that has to include me too so now it's time to plan and think and dream and work, and then it's time to come back refreshed and put plans into action, watch out world, I'm coming to get you!