Sometimes in life we find ourselves standing on the edge of a cliff, sometimes we sit and dangle our feet off the edge, sometimes we feel we are going to fall and sometimes we stand on the precipice wondering if we should just jump, occasionally we feel like we've been pushed and we're spiraling through the air waiting to crash onto the ground below.
Today I fell off that cliff, you could call it a meltdown, an emotional breakdown, a mental health crash, whatever it is, it's not the most fun thing ever and I just didn't see it coming...
Except, I did, it's been waiting to happen since at least October, you see I found myself or I thought I had, I thought I could go back into the world, find someone, love would blossom and for the first time in my life I would have it all. The truth is though that no one wants the broken girl, I'm so completely damaged the repair work is going to take a long time and it's probably going to cost a fortune, at least in the emotional sense.
You see, the thing is, we just don't know how broken we are until we try to begin again, I thought I was healed and at least whilst I was on my own I really believed it but as soon as I tried to date again, all of the patterns from my past life started to unravel.
I'm a crowd pleaser, I lack self-worth so I seek approval in others whilst lying to myself that I don't require validation, the truth is, I needed to find someone who would build me up, someone who would tell me every day that I'm a little bit special and I'm ok, one of my greatest goals in life is to enrich the lives of others in as much as I possibly can and I always hope that a little of that might come back to me.
I've cried today, more than I've cried for years, please don't think there were floodgates opened but I cried, I spoke to a therapist but they couldn't offer a treatment plan until they've spoken to colleagues about my previous mental health issues, yep, bipolar is a bitch!
There are good things in my life, I very much have control in many areas, the part I'm lacking is learning to love myself and see myself as someone who's good enough to be loved and until I fix that, as much as my heart is lonely and broken it's got to be a brave and supportive man who would even consider being with me, it's literally the biggest ask, maybe too big?
So, what happens now? Well I get some therapy, I try to work through it, I need some new challenges and to be honest, a nice overseas assignment I could throw myself into would be lovely right now, in as much as I'd love to stop the world and climb off it for a while I'm not sure it's going to be possible. I'm lucky I have good people around me, not lots of people but a few good people are all it takes and I have the best teens, we're a super team together and always have been. I just wish life was a little simpler and I myself was easier to understand. I'm brilliant in so many ways, photography, writing, being a mum, it's funny that I can see those bits, I just can't see the part where I deserve to be loved.