Nine fifteen on a Friday night and here I am, the rockstar, in bed, the cat next to me and some music by my side, music which comforts and soothes, music which heals. This week has been brutal, I have felt the warmth of human kindness and have experienced the cruelty of others which threatened to bring my whole inner self to a grinding halt, I hate negativity in any sense, I fight against it with all of my heart but sometimes things happen which you have no control over...
I've come to understand that this place in which I find myself now has been hurtling towards me for quite a while, what I held in my heart as being my happiest place was actually a bipolar high, all of those months of boundless energy were just my broken brain, thanks God, can't you give a girl a break? The problem is no one noticed, I didn't notice, it's been so long since I've had anything other than small swings and times of light depression that I just thought I was the happiest I'd ever been and the associated anxiety was just that, I didn't see it being that jittery symptom of the high.
I can see all the patterns now though and here I am, on a low shelf somewhere in a well with the water rising to my ankles, I'm not up to my neck because I have friends actively trying to drop a ladder down for my rescue and I'm fighting hard to climb back up it.
I thought I had found everything I was looking for but here's the truth, the pursuit of love is so painful and yet we spend ourselves frantically searching like a lost child looking for their parents. Some of us will search our whole lives and still never find that person, others will be lucky, they will find their soulmate, their twin flame and what I say to them is if you find it, love it, build that flame every day, feel everything with your heart, let yourself go, let yourself be loved and don't hold back, life is precious and short and every day should be spent in the sunshine with the warmth of love on your skin.
In this place where I am, please do not show me sympathy but be empathetic, be understanding and just give me a little time to pull myself back up, do not look down on me for I only write now so that others feel they can speak when they are in these places, do not cry for me for I have cried enough for everyone, in my darkest moments when I feel that the world hates me and I fear my fragile wings are about to break, I remind myself of the love I have for friends, my children and the animals I share my life with.
And, you know what, one day I'm going to have it all, I will be loved and cherished and someone will think me the centre of their universe and every day I will tell them I love them because they found me and didn't run away because I was broken, we'll just get some superglue and turn me into a slightly less broken new piece of artwork and I'll stand on platforms and tell my story, I'll tell the story of the woman with the broken wings, a woman who found the exact thing she was looking for when she wasn't even searching, I'm not going to actively look for something I can't find anymore, I'm just going to hope that it finds me instead, I'm not sure how that happens but love is nothing if it isn't magical.