Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places, Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger, Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Friday, December 16, 2016

This is Me, As I am Now

The end of another week beckons and it's my last weekend at work, I get a whole weekend off next week, it might just be because it's Christmas though!  So many brilliant things are happening in my life currently, not all due to the magic of Christmas but I like to think there's an extra sparkle in my step because of it.


So, it's Thursday evening (just about) and I'm pretty tired after 3 events over the last 3 nights, I only have to remind myself that I used to hide away from the world to know just how very far I've come. Even this year I can see a definite transition as I've transformed into, well me, the real me, the me that was hiding inside, I don't want to be narcissistic and say like a butterfly from a cocoon because really, I'm over 40 and I'm far from being a butterfly, maybe I'll settle for a moth, moths are nice too, in their own way and that's me, I'm nice, in my own way.

I have spent too many years feeling not good enough, I've hated the days I feel fat and the days I've felt ugly and the times I've made an effort and had it knocked down by other people were even worse, I am healed well enough now to not completely hate myself every time I look in the mirror and that's important, it was only in September that I actually bought myself a full-length mirror for the first time, mostly I hide it behind a door but I do occasionally look! 

I saw my doctor this afternoon, I have HRT patches now instead of the pills which are surprisingly inconsistent in the hormones they deliver, I am slightly worried about them falling off my bottom in public, "Ooh, what's that you've dropped something" "Oh don't worry, it's just my HRT patch, it must have fallen off my bottom" Anyway, I digress, we talked about the fact that I'd halved my bipolar meds around 7 or 8 months ago now and she's just so happy with my progress as am I, we agreed that I'd probably always need the half dose but that also I'm better than I've ever been and that's testament to the way my life is now, I am a great advocate of self-care and having a great support network around you, I have the best friends online and in real life and I'll never stop being thankful for them.

Now I'm never going to be the biggest fan of photos,  as soon as someone points a camera at me I instantly tense up, so much so that my face is often contorted like a wicked old witch or I look like a woman who's just escaped from a secure facility, and of course there's the blinking thing, yes I am a blinker, you have to take approximately 2867 frames of me to get one where I haven't got one or both eyes shut.  I'm also just better behind the lens than in front of it but I love this photo Harriet took of me, yes it's been edited in the same way I edit all of my images, because if you are going to have photos then they should be the best photos but mostly it's me as I am now, happy, thriving, enjoying life.

Earlier in the week I saw my wonderful psychic friend Susan, she said "You look so great, you are glowing and beaming" I know she could sense the energy I have inside and yes Mr France definitely has something to do with that because I feel alive again, it reminds me of my favourite Roald Dahl quote "If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face and you will always look lovely"

So know this, right here, right now, this is me, not as I was then but as I am now, I am sometimes flaky, I have flashes of creative genius, I am extraordinary and absurd all in the same sentence, I am funny and sometimes cranky, I can get cross and then turn it into laughter in less than 30 seconds, most of all, though,  I love life and I love people and animals.  I love doing good deeds and I love making people smile, I am an idealist, I am completely left leaning and super liberal, I believe in truth, freedom, beauty and love and I truly believe that no one should ever be lonely.

I hope you'll stay around for the next chapter of my adventures because I think, and more so, I feel it in my heart that they might just be the best I've ever had.
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