Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places, Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger, Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Friday, December 09, 2016

My greatest fear, dying alone...


everyone deserves to be together without ever feeling lonely, mandy charlton, photographer, writer, blogger


yesterday was one of those massively mixed emotion days, I had not had a lot of human interaction due to Looby being off school and under the weather, I had, of course, talked to aforementioned unicorn daughter but grown up meaningful conversation was definitely lacking in my life yesterday.

I'm not one who deals well with loneliness, in fact, I'd say that it's my Achilles heel, my greatest fear in my whole life is to die alone, I think I've always been this way, it's not that I have a problem with spending time alone, and don't get me wrong, I think one of the most fulfilling experiences I've ever had was to travel through Europe on my own last year.  Some days, though, I find that loneliness can be almost painful in the same way that silence can be deafening.

Look, I don't want this to come across as "woe is me" because I live a good life, I have great friends, I have a job I love and even the prospect of another Skype date with Mr France tomorrow night which I am so looking forward to. The truth is though I still find it quite hard that there's not someone sitting in the chair or lying on the pillow next to me, someone I can just empty my mind out to at any given time, someone who I can look into their eyes and tell them about somethings and nothings and get an immediate reaction, someone to whom I can tell a joke or funny story right now and they'll look at me and say "you're nuts but you make me laugh" or words to that effect.

I've been on my own now for pretty much 2 and a half years and whilst I've had many adventures and spent a great time healing, it's still the lonely moments which are the worst.  Last night I watched Me Before You, this movie should have come with a warning because I sobbed so much that by the end of the movie I needed to be wrung out, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, you must do so but I'd advise you sit with someone who can hug you and tell you that it's all going to be ok and you should also probably have the biggest bar of chocolate next to you because we all know that chocolate contains tryptophan and tryptophan will make you feel better (so does Turkey but that makes you fall asleep, also you can't sit next to a cooked turkey can you?).  I, dear reader, had neither the chocolate or someone to actively hug me and so I ended up being a totally over-emotional wreck, I don't want to give you any spoilers but just be warned and don't do what I did...

The truth is that I think I've just learnt I'm better when I am coupled and yet I refuse to settle for anything less than my kind of perfect so we end up with a double edged sword and the self-knowledge that I may have to spend a few more weeks, months and maybe years crying into my pillow because I've just watched the saddest or indeed the happiest most loved up movie,  or I've just forgotten to buy new supplies of decent chocolate because my other half wasn't there to say "Hey you, don't forget to pick up chocolate, you know how you get when you watch sad movies without it"

I don't quite know what the answer is but I've just found Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford in The Way We Were on Sky Cinema, and yes, I'll probably cry again but only because it's one of the greatest most beautiful movies ever written, well I think so anyway.


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