Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places, Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger, Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Looking For Answers...



This week, this long week which has been like a roller coaster for my life, my emotions, and my heart, this week is finally over and I'm so thankful for my Monday/Tuesday weekend that I give myself every week.

In this past week I have looked to a Numerologist and  Reiki healer to try to help my spiritual, emotional funk, the energies are there but they just seem to be in the wrong places, for just a moment, a short blink, life was perfect, a glimpse of the future perhaps?  I want you to know that I have never regretted any action I have ever taken, I may have made some wrong decisions along the way because I always listen to my heart in everything I do but I've always believed that in every mistake we do make there's a chance to learn something new.

I cannot be anyone other than the woman I am but I am constantly changing, learning and evolving, healing and growing stronger.   Since the day I halved my bipolar medication I have become happier, I have become more emotional but even under stress, I have been able to cope.  Yes it's hard to have emotions and understand them after being without them for over 10 years but I love feeling real emotions, last night, for instance, I watched the first season of Miranda, now I always thought it was funny but last night I laughed out loud for all 6 episodes, really hearty laughs which make you feel happy, you can't understand just how amazing that is when you haven't felt that for so very long.

There have been rough times, as my medication levels rebalanced themselves and I was reintroduced to the emotional pain and grief I'd never fully dealt with, and for a time I reconsidered going back to a higher dosage but this too has passed and now I feel more emotionally capable of dealing with everything that happens in my life from this point on.

Work of late has been the busiest I can ever remember and after floundering a little and losing my focus, I am on a mission to not only regain it but to push myself forward to the next level, whatever that may be.  I have felt for a while like I'm on the cusp of the next stage of my life like there's something waiting for me just out of reach, just around a corner I can't yet visualise, I think for a while now I felt like this because in life we have to take the rough with the smooth, we all experience times of great turbulence interspersed with calmer happier times.  I know with all of my heart the things I want and need in my life.  I want to live, I want to love and I want to travel, give me just a handful of all of those things and I'll be happy, I don't want to be the richest or the most successful, I don't want to own an empire, I just want to love and be loved and I want to go on great adventures to far off places, I want to learn and understand more about life and love, I want to dance in the rain, I want to sing out loud, I want to show my children that you can have it all, that it's possible if you work hard enough, wish long enough, love hard enough.

At the end of the day, I'm still young and more than anything, I just want to find my happy, my content, my stable, I just want to find the whole complete me.



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