Today I have anxiety, I feel it like a lump in my chest, it stops me from the breathing properly, it threatens to become a full blown anxiety attack at any given moment, if you've never been anxious in your life, let me tell you, anxiety is a bitch!
There is no rhyme or reason why today is the worst day, well other than finding out the man I was married to is in love and happy, you know the worst thing? I'm happy for him, we've been apart for over 2 years but I guess it's like that scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Sally finds out that Joe is getting married again, it's those moments which catch you completely unaware that feel like knives in your heart.
I have so much blogging to do and yet I had to write this because I've been unable to think of anything else so the path to get rid of this stuff from my head is to write it down, put it out there in the hope it might help someone else even though I hate writing anything that isn't super positive or fun.
My life is fun now, my world is enriched by the friendship of others, only last night did Harriet and Kelly turn up at my door with an offer of takeaway, a unicorn bubble bath, chocolate and a small tub of sparkle until I can find my own again, I love them so much for that.
The funny thing about anxiety is when I have people near me I am fine, I feel like I can conquer the world but in those times when I have only my own thoughts clashing around in my head, well they're the times that truly suck.
I'm lucky to live in a world where we can all at least be connected via Whatsapp or text or Messenger, a little conversation here and there with friends make the days when I don't see anyone except my dog much easier to deal with.
I fear my anxious mind will encumber any chance of me having a decent human relationship with the opposite sex because I internalise everything, I overanalyse everything, I second guess and question everything, I worry about everything!
I should hate the person who did this to me, who created this anxious mind because 16 or 17 years ago I was not this person at all, anxiety is something which is created, it's different to other types of mental health challenges, anxiety really does have routes which are learned behaviours and to unlearn them is so much harder.
I do think I have that bright shining star of hope and that one day I shall find someone to whom I can love freely without anxiety and finally relax! On a good day (and I need you to know that there are not so many really bad days) I am fun, I'm a chatterbox, I'm the asker of questions, the seeker of knowledge, I love to learn everything about my friends because I have a love and curiosity to learn about my fellow awesome humans.
On a great day my sparkle can't be dimmed by anything, I glow from the inside, when I am happy it resonates from every inch of my body and I like to pass that love and happiness on to everyone I meet, when I find that special person who not only embraces my outside but also reaches in deep to my very soul, well I think that person will know that they're as lucky as I am.
The truth of the matter is that in life, love and even in internet dating, you can't even begin to write honestly so I'm writing this here, in my space and if you are that bright shining star out there reading this and nodding whilst a smile radiates from your face, well then you'll know, it's you, you're the one, you have found me.