Photographer of Families, Small People and Delightful Places, Travel and Lifestyle Writer and Blogger, Lives in Newcastle, Loves the North, Often Accompanied By A Beagle Named Holly Bobbins

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Trying to regain control of my life

I wasn't sure I was going to blog today, I'm trying to take some time to process everything that has gone on lately, I realise how little control I've had over my own life and my destiny and I am trying to regain some of that at the moment.

I'm not really sure what I want from my life from this point on, happiness and contentment with my children and dog?  That's not too much to ask for is it?  I have no great plans to be with anyone other than myself for now and maybe forever, I just don't know really, I know that I have the best friends and the most supportive network of wonderful people who care about the kids and I.  I'm going to get some more therapy to help me process everything that has happened and hopefully change my behaviours so that it never happens again.

I have nothing to offer my children but love and affection which can't really compete with promises of ski-trips, puppies and whole new wardrobes of clothes but then I have no other financial support than what I earn myself, I just hope that the kids in the end will realise that feelings and love can't be bought, I fear this realisation may take a while.

Last night was movie night, our new weekly tradition, it went so well and my chalkboard is already full of suggestions for next weeks movie and food choices, it makes me happy that something which cost so little could be embraced so well.


Excuse the not very high quality of the iphone snap, it was getting dark and it's a miracle they're all actually in it together.  We did have Tacos and then we watched Malificent and of course there was popcorn and ice-cream.  Next weeks suggestions all seem quite Halloween related, I can't think how that happened ;)

You know, I think my main worry in everything that's happened is the misinformation being fed to the impressionable young minds I love, I'm only ever honest but it seems the very things which manipulated my mind for so very long are being used against the kids and I really have no control over this, I can only hope that one day they'll all read my blog and they might understand fully and completely how much I loved them and how hard I tried to stay married and how many chances I offered, I gave until I could give no more and I relinquished any control I had over and over again just to try and find some happiness and stability for us as a family as a whole, I thought we would be a family forever and right up until the very last juncture I tried to hold us all together.  I hate how fractured everything is now and if I had a magic wand or a time machine I would transport us all to a time of happiness and love.

Have a great weekend and I'll be back on Monday, hopefully much more positive, i'm really going to work on that this weekend.

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