Yesterday I was faced with the horrible heartbreaking realisation dear reader that leopards really can't change their spots and no matter how many false promises someone makes their true colours will always show.
In the whole of my heart I lived with the hope that we would all be together again as a family one day, I didn't want to give up and I didn't want to have a failed marriage, I never wanted that but I realise that all of the things I have inside of me which make me feel like I've failed and make me feel like I wasn't good enough again were not caused by me.
Life I think in some respects is about to get much harder, without hope I have to go through the breakdown of utter heartbreak again but I was deluded to think that things could ever have been different, in as much as I wanted to hold together the fabric of our family I should have realised that it was ripped to shreds beyond repair long ago.
I think in some sense it's a bit of a relief because now I know the path before me and although I'm facing being lonely for a while I know in the end I'll be ok, one day I'm going to be quite brilliant and I shall sparkle on a daily basis. I know now that I'm going to work hard to make my business amazing so that I can provide my children with every thing they'll ever need and I will do it on my own without any financial support and without complaint and each moment when I am not at work I shall use it to spend with my children so they know just how much I love and adore them, we'll make our house the best home ever, we'll have as many friends around as we want, we'll continue to rescue animals who need a second chance but I think we'll stick to the four legged ones. We'll go on adventures to wherever we want and no one will ever be able to say "you can't do that." I think I'm still in a better place than I was at the beginning of September because a lot of the things have just become clearer to me. I know this much is true, if you love me, you love the whole of me and all of my children equally because all of my children are fabulous amazing people and I'll continue to tell them that every day. When you're in a marriage or relationship you have to accept everyone in that unit, you can't pick and choose and you can never expect the other person to allow you to ignore or turn a blind eye to your hatred of any of them. Mums will always choose their children above a man no matter how old their children are.
It's been hard of late with Abigail spending more time at her dads than at home but today she's going to be here when she finishes school, Iain broke up from college for half term on Wednesday and Looby broke up yesterday so by later this afternoon we'll all be together my children and I and we're having Tacos and it's movie night, Malificent being the movie of choice as it is a tenuously linked movie to Halloween and it's of course that time of year, let me just say that some of the suggestions on our board for this weeks movie had a definite Christmas theme but I am saving Elf (btw, it's only £8 on blu ray on that linky thing) for another day.
Tomorrow I have a day off and I honestly have no idea what we'll do, we did have family plans but it really looks like we can't pretend anymore and they're just not going to happen, I think the most I can hope for is friendship one day, in the end you can't have someone on your own terms, I think my analysis of the situation was that while I wasn't wanted completely I was wanted enough to make sure that I could never move on and you can't do that, it's pretty clear cut for me, together as a family forever or get on with our own healing and lives being co-parents to our children and dog, you can't have it all and expect someone to have a weird courting sort of relationship with their own husband without a promise of anything else for years, I'll never accept second best even if it's heart breaking, one day someone will love me properly with their whole heart without any conditions or expectations that I'll ever be anything other than just me, it may be years before that happens, it may never happen but you never really truly know what's around the corner.
Have a great weekend and don't forget to love the ones you're with and be with the ones you love.