I slept an hour later this morning dear reader, Petunia went with her daddy yesterday and is staying at his house later and Abigail is going to go and stay with her dad tonight when she finished school, Looby is off to the Hawkhurst residential camp with school until Friday and the inevitable consequence is that I already miss my doggy and when my children aren't here they each take a piece of my heart with them.
Don't get me wrong, I love that we can co-parent our children, there's not a hint of acrimony which is great for the whole family but never at any point in my life did I wish to bring up our girls and our dog in 2 different houses. It makes my heart ache and I'm sure when they're not with Paul he probably feels exactly the same.
I took Abigail to the doctors last night, after posting yesterday that she was doing so much better, when I went to wake her for school she just couldn't get out of bed, the doctor said she's understandably depressed and she's suffering from anxiety, she prescribed that she called an association called Streetwise and got herself some counselling, there's nothing which feels like you have failed as a parent to know that your daughter needs counselling, extra help which you couldn't provide, a need you couldn't meet, it makes me so very sad.
I'm going to a co-working event today, to say that I am dreading it is a complete understatement, I'm just not ready for a chit chat about how is business doing, how are things with my book etc, these are questions I can't even answer myself yet and I think that if I make it even to lunchtime then I am going to call it a success, the same goes for getting to 10am without hiding under my desk a gibbering wreck.
You may have noticed that this blog post isn't so overwhelmingly positive as past posts, I think I'm struggling a little at the moment, I think it's like that in those first few days and weeks of separation, some days you pull your socks up and feel you can conquer a small country and on other days your socks are wrinkled at your ankles and you feel you'll be defeated at any moment, there is no rhyme or reason for this other than the fact that loss is a very difficult thing to deal with in our human psyche, I know that it will get better with the passage of time, I just wish that I had a Tardis to transport myself 6 months into the future.
So today, I think I need to say that it's ok to be sad when you're dealing with loss or divorce or separation but that we all know from the experience of others that it does improve, it will get better and in so very many cases the people in question emerge like a phoenix from the flames in a much better state than they had been for a very long time. It's a huge effort after all to save something which is essentially dying, I expended massive amounts of energy just walking on egg shells and not wanting to rock the boat because I knew that the next cross words would end up where I was left on my own, I tried to avoid all arguments and planned that if we could just get from summer to spring without any tension we would have survived another year, you can't stop a fast moving train on a crash course though can you?