Yesterday was in part brilliant and in part one of the saddest days so far, it's funny how that happens isn't it dear reader?
I worked really hard yesterday, 6 photo shoots and a wedding meeting but I also had a lovely lunch with my assistant who has also become the most wonderful friend.
I love adult company, I'm a really social person, I love people, that is why I have the career that I do, I love meeting people, hearing the stories they tell and I in turn love to share stories about the latest escapade of my dear children.
The problem comes I think when you return to your solitude, whilst I realise Iain my teenager is now a fully formed adult and he is great company there are still things you can't talk about and it's in those moments of solitude that I feel the greatest loss.
By last night my ability to not keep filling up with tears which tumble down my cheeks at any given moment faded fast and in the end there felt like there was no other alternative than to go to bed and hopefully wake up feeling so much better. Guess what? I do feel so much better, I am great in the mornings, Petunia the husky likes to get me up at about 6am and as I type she's fast asleep on the chair after her early morning raw chicken breakfast, a wee and a howl. It's a hard life being Petunia!
I keep telling myself that I should have pulled myself together by now, I should have returned to feeling like I could conquer small countries every day, I keep lecturing my own mind that I have to feel happy or I will just attract more loneliness because that's the feeling I am putting out there but the truth is that I can't find that thing to fill the desolate gap of loneliness left by the man I love not being there anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I have been in relationships before this one, I have split up with people but never ever did it feel quite so brutal and never did I lose my ability to cope with the space left over.
I hold onto one thing and one thing alone, when I am strong and brave once more I shall write a book of all of these thoughts and fill it with the thoughts I've written on my blog, I hope in part that this chapter is only one of many more happy chapters making up a wonderful adventurous life story of a great woman who loved and lost and lived again. Lets face it dear reader, every great book needs a little tragedy!
Enjoy your Sundays, make every minute special and love as much as you can.